Another Rainy Day

We had another rainy day here...which again means no time in the hammock. (sigh)

It's the kind of day where I would have preferred to lounge around in comfy pj's all day, with a blanket and a good book, wonderful aromas coming from the kitchen, a classic old black and white movie on tv, a nap and then time for reflecting.

It hasn't quite happened that way. Work was extremely busy, parent teacher conferences were tonight, as well as a quick trip to the grocery store. By the time I made it home, I was feeling frazzled and tired.

However, I have done some reflecting the last couple of days on something I read. I was reading "A Beautiful Offering" by Angela Thomas. The particular chapter was "Being Yourself". One paragraph really struck a chord with me. She was speaking to the fact that we all have insecurities, and often we think that God must be crazy for calling us or asking us to do some of the things He lays before us. She writes "I imagine He listens to my protests and says, I hear whining like this all the time. Why does everyone question My sovereignty? I am the Creator here, and I'm not surprised by the talent pool. I have always known it's just you, and I choose to use you anyway."

Wow. I am a person plagued with insecurities. To some people, I hide them well. I believe many others can see right through me. I have realized over the last year that I sabotage myself alot, and I sell myself short as well. For the past year, I have been working on accepting myself but also making healthy changes where needed. I haven't quite learned how to juggle the self-acceptance with the self-improvement. I don't always know what needs to be worked on. And I often feel hopeless. So when I read this paragraph...I realized that God knows me. The real me. There's no hiding or pretending with Him. And yet, He still chooses me. Flaws and all. In spite of my failures. Willing to take on my insecurities. Not minding that I am broken and trying to mend. When the world shuns me, He embraces me.

My human nature finds this hard to accept. Along with the changes and acceptance I have been working on this year, I have felt God not only healing me, but changing things in my life. I feel some doors being closed and others opened. I am beginning to think about the possibilities of God preparing me to possibly lead out in other areas than what I am used to. Getting me out of my comfort zone...which oftens leads to complacency. And as God has been laying new possibilities before me, I have been arguing with Him. Telling Him that I wouldn't be good at this or that, that I'm not organized or disciplined enough, that I need more time to heal, and so on and so on.

Maybe I just need to accept God's sovereignty, as Angela says. Maybe I just need to realize that He wants to work through me. Maybe I need to trust, and not just say that I do. Maybe I need to be more willing to follow where He leads.

He knows my strengths and my weaknesses, my failures and successes. It's not like I need to give Him my resume. I just have to be willing to give of myself. Humbly come before Him and say "Here I am".

God isn't surprised by us....so why are we surprised by Him?

Extreme Makeover

"Joy is the best makeup" - Anne Lamotte

I get an e-newsletter from a website each day that has a daily quote, and this was one of the quotes this week.

As a middle aged woman who is frantically trying to hold back the aging process the best that she can, I found this quote from Anne Lamotte so refreshing.

If you looked in my bathroom drawer right now, you would find a wicker basket filled with items such as "Age Defying Daily Renewal Cleanser", "Dead Sea Anti-Stress Face Tonic", "Youthtopia Skin Firming Cream", "Radiance Boost Eye Cream", "Intensive Restoration Treatment", and that's not even to the cosmetics! Those are just skincare products.

If you look further in the drawer for cosmetics, you will find all shades of eye shadow, lipstick, blush, foundation, concealers, eye liners, mascaras, and so forth.

It's actually quite funny when I look at my collection and realize that while these products might make me look somewhat better (well, alot better actually) and make me feel "spiffier".....that they really aren't changing the aging process. My birthday still rolls around every year.

I've decided that Anne is onto something. Have you noticed the faces of people who are full of joy? Their joy is contagious. People smile at me....I smile back. A joyful person has a countenance about them that is radiant. Try hanging out with a joyful person.....I don't care if you are normally Oscar the Grouch, you are going to start feeling some joy. You won't be able to stop yourself.

One thing that I have learned in life is that joy is not happiness necessarily. Some of my most joyful times have been in times of sadness, turmoil, chaos, and the like. How is that possible? Because joy is more than simply an emotion. Joy goes deeper for me. Joy comes from a deeper place than myself.

Joy is found through God. And when I am going through troubled times, and I feel the Heavenly Father picking me up, dusting me off, and helping me back on my way....I have joy. I have cried tears of anguish, felt God's arms wrap around me, and have had joy in the middle of tears. It's hard to explain if you've never experienced it. But it is real, my friends.

Look at the people around you....I bet you will be able to tell who has joy and who does not. There is a peace that comes with joy. A peace that surpasses all understanding.

I want that makeover. I want joy to be part of my daily countenance. I want to be so closely anchored to the Lord that no matter what emotions and/or circumstances I might be going through, joy is something that never leaves.

So while I'm not advocating leaving off the makeup...heaven knows that I will have mine on tomorrow, I am saying that I want my face to reflect the joy that is in my heart. I believe that I will not only look younger, but will feel younger, will have a "spring in my step" and a "sparkle in my eye". I hope that when people see my mouth, they don't necessarily notice the shade of my lipstick (not that I don't love lipstick...'cause in all honesty, I do) but I hope my mouth reflects words of encouragement and kindness, a smile across my lips, and joyful laughter that comes forth easily.

I want a joy makeover.

No Maintenance Required

My thumb hasn't been very green this year...I've barely managed to maintain my yard, which means I haven't spent much time on the flowers this year.

But thankfully, God created perennials for fickle gardeners like me, and I still am able to enjoy wonderful bursts of color in my yard even though I have done nothing.

After hibernating all summer, my mums have opened forth with their beautiful cheery yellow and you just can't help but smile when you look at them.

There's not much in life that doesn't require some kind of maintenance at the least, and more importantly, some TLC. This morning, my mums reminded me that even when I am neglectful, God is still out there doing His thing. Always faithful.

Be Still

I don't think I'll normally blog twice in one day, but since I'm doing this for me, and not really for anyone else, I guess there are no rules and I can do what I feel like.

When downloading some pics today off of my camera, I came across this picture that I had forgotten I had taken this spring. If you look real closely through the branches, you will see a bird sitting on the eggs in her nest. She made her home in my redbud tree, and she was a beautiful bird.You can't zoom in like I was able to, but you can make out the shape of her tail and her head. She stoically and faithfully sat on that nest day in and day out.

Many people would not find this very significant at all...I mean that's what mama birds do, right?

But this bird became a symbol for me this spring.

Spring weather can be brutal....it's warm one day, freezing the next. Storms come through this area very frequently during springtime. The wind can gust quite often.

This bird NEVER left her nest...she was so steadfast and dedicated to protecting her eggs. Now I'm sure at some times during the day, she would have to leave and get food for herself. I never saw it happen, but I'm sure it did. I do feel certain, however, that she was never far from the nest, and probably dined on her seeds or bugs with one eye on that nest at all times.

The reason this bird and her nest became so symbolic to me is that I, too, was going through a season of change. My life became very stormy....the wind would blow so hard, I felt as if my entire family were going to blow away. I questioned God, I questioned myself. Even when I didn't have answers...I could hear (or feel) God's voice telling me to "Be Still". I felt as if He were telling me on a daily basis that I was to trust....to remain steadfast...to protect my nest, and that He would be there for me.

Everything about the bird became symbolic. The branches that gave her cover and refuge symbolized the refuge that prayer gave me. When I turned to God, I felt as if He were wrapping His arms around and keeping me safe.

The sturdiness of her nest became symbolic of the sturdiness of my family. Sure, we were being tossed around by a storm....unsure of what was going to happen next. But I had to trust and believe that we had built a strong and sturdy home...and that in the end, we would be sheltered from the devastation of life's storms. We WOULD go through storms....we all do. And we might experience some loss, but God would be faithful to carry us through the storm.

The ever-changing weather became symbolic of our ever-changing world during that time. There were new emotions, challenges, trials....that seemed like a daily occurence. I was so weary....there were so many times I wanted to give up....but I would look out my window at that bird....sitting....on her nest. The tree might be bending with the wind, but there she sat. She might get soaked in a storm, but there she sat. There were days when the winds would calm and the sun would shine on her....and there she sat. Patiently. Dutifully. Never flinching. She knew what her task was, and she stuck to it.

During this time in my life, I knew that my task was to keep my focus on God. I had alot of issues that I needed to work on...issues that had been buried deep inside, and that were brought to the surface in an abrupt and painful way. I had the task of confronting my insecurities, weaknesses and fears...and I could either let the storm blow me off course, or I could remain steadfast.

I'm not sure where Mama Bird got her perserverance from...but I know where mine came from. It was my Father....pure and simple. He wrapped me up in His love and daily reminded me to just "Be Still". To wait. To allow Him to transform me. To trust. To have faith. To be diligent. To do whatever task He lay before me and to not waiver.

It wasn't easy...it still isn't. But just as Mama Bird got through her task of protecting her eggs, and gave birth to new life, God helped me stay on my task. And I feel as if I was given new life.

I still stumble, I still lose my focus, I still have troubles with insecurities and failures. Amazingly, however, God has this incredible way of bringing me back to Him and back to focusing on the task at hand.

At the present, my focus is firstly on Him and working on myself. I am to continue being diligent and steadfast...and I am to be like Mama Bird was all spring....to just Be Still and Trust.

Reflections

We've had some very beautiful fall days here lately. Which for me, of course, means more time in my hammock.

I find that I am able to "clear my head" when I am outside, and better able to reflect on my own thoughts and feelings.

Yesterday at church, Pastor John gave me some food for thought. He said that we should have each of the following three in our life:

A "Paul" - someone who teaches us and mentors us.

A "Timothy" - someone we can teach.

A "Barnabas" - someone who is our encourager.

I've been mulling this over ever since yesterday's worship service. I have a "Paul" and a "Barnabas" in my life. I don't even know if they're aware of it.

My dear friend, Janie, would be my "Paul" right now. She had the wonderful vision a few years ago to start up a small group bible study and let me tell you, our group has definitely been a "God thing". We are a group of about 10 women, very diverse, from different stages and walks of life, different churches...and yet, we are so incredibly close. Our small group times are some of the most precious and valued times in my life. Janie has an incredible thirst for knowledge and spiritual growth, and she seems to keep her finger on the pulse of what our group needs and can grow from. She challenges me to think about my spiritual walk....she challenges me to not limit my viewpoint of God but to be willing to see Him "outside of the box" of my own upbringing, theology, etc.

My "Barnabas" is Vicki - what a precious, treasured friend she is! She is the biggest encourager in my life right now. She has this uncanny gift of knowing when I need encouraging, sometimes before I know it myself. We see each other almost daily, since we work in the same office. Our families are best friends....we have worshipped together. We are in small group together. We went to the same college. We have history. Sometimes it's just her mere presence in my life that is encouragement for me. I laugh with her like I laugh with no one else. There's probably many times that no one else would "get it"...understand why we are laughing. Sometimes I'll find a little "happy" on my desk at the office, or she'll bring something by the house. One of the unhappiest days of my life, she brought by a hamburger straight off her grill wrapped in foil. They had just eaten supper, and she had called me at a terrible time, heard the fear and hurt in my voice, and drove immediately over knowing that I had not taken time to eat that day. That simple gesture meant alot. This morning, she brought me a piece of homemade apple cake...what a wonderful way to start out a Monday. We talk, listen, laugh, cry, get silly, be serious, pray for each other and lift one another up. Yep, she's my Barnabas.

But I don't have a "Timothy" in my life right now. And that has given me pause. Something to reflect on and figure out what I need to do to correct that. For years, I worked in children's ministry, so I had many "Timothys" that I taught. I love teaching children, and it's something I felt called to do for a long time. But recently, God has had me "step back" so to speak, to do some soul searching, inner reflection, and healing within my own life. I have the feeling He is preparing me for something else. I guess my two daughters could be counted as "Timothys". God has given me the blessing and honor of being their mother and I am to teach them God's Word.

Which leads me to another thought....it is scary in a sense to have a Timothy in your life. If we make our lives open and transparent, if we allow people access into our world, then they all of us....the good, the bad and the ugly. The warts and all. They see the good days and the bad days. When I taught childrens Sunday School, in all honesty, the children probably only saw what I wanted them to see. It is fairly easy to put on my "Sunday best" and present the lesson I have prepared. It's a little harder when it's my own girls - who see me as I really am. Wow. Talk about a heavy responsiblity. When they look at me, they will see a Mom who has screwed up many times - reacted in ways I shouldn't, procrastinated on things I should've done sooner, yelled when maybe I should've listened first, but hopefully they will see a Mom who loves them with all of her heart, and hopefully they will see a woman who loves God with all of her heart, and who is taking this journey called "life" one day at a time, and learning to live in God's grace and mercy.

Maybe it's a good thing that they've seen the "real" me...the good, the bad, and the ugly. Maybe that will help them understand how awesome God is....that He loves us no matter what we do or say, how bad we might mess up. Because life can get pretty complicated. (which of course, makes me love the hammock even more....nothing complicated about lying in that!)

So...I guess my girls are my "Timothys" right now. Although maybe John's point was to have someone else besides our own kids as a Timothy. I guess I'm just now starting to realize that I need to ask God to open my eyes and show me people within my own world with whom I can be a part of their life. I'm not trying to say that I have answers and knowledge and all that.....on the contrary. I'm a seeker also....I'm a believer who is realizing that I need to seek God more than I have. He needs to be my heart's desire.

I hope this week that God opens my eyes to more Pauls, Timothys and Barnabas'. I hope that I see and listen when He speaks to me. I hope that I put aside my own selfishness or insecurities and will be willing to allow Him to use me in someone's life as a Paul, Timothy or Barnabas.

Here I am, Lord. Send me.