Today was a regular summer Saturday...girls sleeping late (I didn't mind...just glad they are home at the same time!), errands and grocery shopping, the girls' dad came over and spent some time with them, and then they left for the Memphis Redbird game. I finished up some work in the backyard, and then upon feeling a cool breeze....quickly made my way to my favorite outdoor spot....the hammock.
I had been having a mental pity party while I was mowing. It's an odd feeling seeing the girls go off with their dad. Not that I don't want them to....I'm glad they do. It's just that the dissolvement of a family is sad all the way around. There's no other way to put it. Baseball games are something we all enjoyed together. One year, that was his Valentine Day present from me, season tickets. So, I was feeling nostalgic and sad knowing they were doing something we used to all do together. We have also had some wonderful July 4ths together....and it is sad to me, knowing that we won't be anymore. So my mind was getting bogged down in sadness.
I eased in, glad to have a place to rest the tired ol' body (yard work takes a toll on me the older I get), and looked up towards the sky. Gorgeous blue, a few white fluffy clouds. The dogs were laying in the grass next to me, birds were actually chirping, leaves rustling in the wind....it was a perfect evening.
I was able to think on some things that have been crowding my mind lately...and for some reason, I think clearly outside and even more clearly in my hammock. Maybe it's all in my head, but I seem to have better focus out there. I spent some much needed time in prayer. And afterwards, I dozed in my hammock and enjoyed a nap in the fading sunshine.
When it came time to come back inside, I felt more relaxed and centered. I was able to realize that I am still going to feel some sadness over 23 years of marriage ending. There is still some pain to work through, and more tears that will be shed. But, I was also able, after my prayers and reflection, to realize that God still has plans for me....and they are going to be good, and I am excited to find out what they are. I felt His healing hands upon me again today...reminding me that He is in control, and He has me safely in His arms.
That's what my hammock does for me.
Today I am grateful for:
1. My hammock.
2. The freedom I have to go outside in my backyard and worship and pray. What a great country we live in!
3. Healing.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
Anticipation
Friday.....yea!!! There's always a sense of anticipation for me on Fridays...I look forward to my weekends, whether they be quiet relaxing ones with no agenda or hectic ones with a full schedule. Just the change of being away from the office (as much as I love my job) is good for me.
I am eagerly awaiting the arrival of both of my girls tonight. Casie coming home for just the weekend, and Linds coming back home to stay after spending a week with her sister. Too much quiet was a little offsetting for me. I actually accomplished NOTHING as far as household projects this week. I DID accomplish alot of reading, and that was nice.
Things I am grateful for today:
1. Anticipation - I like having something to look forward to.
2. Simplicity - we are going to have a simple weekend this July 4th....time together spent relaxing, board games, good food. A small party of Lindsey's friends on the night of the 4th, and I'm sure a few fireworks.
3. Time - I love the time that I spend with friends and family....I am thankful for it, and I treasure time more and more with each passing year. Aging has a way of doing that for you!
I am eagerly awaiting the arrival of both of my girls tonight. Casie coming home for just the weekend, and Linds coming back home to stay after spending a week with her sister. Too much quiet was a little offsetting for me. I actually accomplished NOTHING as far as household projects this week. I DID accomplish alot of reading, and that was nice.
Things I am grateful for today:
1. Anticipation - I like having something to look forward to.
2. Simplicity - we are going to have a simple weekend this July 4th....time together spent relaxing, board games, good food. A small party of Lindsey's friends on the night of the 4th, and I'm sure a few fireworks.
3. Time - I love the time that I spend with friends and family....I am thankful for it, and I treasure time more and more with each passing year. Aging has a way of doing that for you!
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Just an Ordinary Day
It's Thursday, and nothing really spectacular has happened today...nothing has really been revealed to me during prayer time or any of my thinking time. Just an ordinary, regular day...a mixture of problems, solutions, conversations, emails, work, errands.
I'm missing my girls like crazy. While I am used to Casie being away at school, this is the first year she has chosen to go to summer school. I still haven't quite adapted to her being gone all year long, and it's now July. So yes, I'm missing her. And I'm missing Lindsey like crazy. This past year, she and I have grown really close as it's just been "us". The two of us living in our home. She is spending the week with her sister, which is great for them. For me, however, it just makes me want to be where they are or have them here with me. We love to pile up on the bed and talk and laugh, share stories and laughter over a meal, and just hang out in general. I TREASURE these times...I just soak it all in. Life is so short, and time flies so quickly...and I am always aware that our times together are valuable. They will be "home" tomorrow evening, and I will be a happy mama.
Today I am grateful for:
1. The bird outside my office window who actually pecked at the glass for more food (I had put out food on my windowsill yesterday). How fun! I went out and put some crushed up crackers on the windowsill (while he watched from a tree), came back inside and watched him fly back to my window ledge and eat away.
2. My prayer life. I think I am blessed to have been raised in a family that emphasized the power of prayer, and who prayed on a regular basis. Combine that with a wonderful church family growing up, and wonderful Christian friends along the way...and my prayer life has grown, deepened, and I treasure my time talking with and listening to God.
3. Crushed ice. I'm addicted. Totally. And it's a great treat on a hot summer day.
I'm missing my girls like crazy. While I am used to Casie being away at school, this is the first year she has chosen to go to summer school. I still haven't quite adapted to her being gone all year long, and it's now July. So yes, I'm missing her. And I'm missing Lindsey like crazy. This past year, she and I have grown really close as it's just been "us". The two of us living in our home. She is spending the week with her sister, which is great for them. For me, however, it just makes me want to be where they are or have them here with me. We love to pile up on the bed and talk and laugh, share stories and laughter over a meal, and just hang out in general. I TREASURE these times...I just soak it all in. Life is so short, and time flies so quickly...and I am always aware that our times together are valuable. They will be "home" tomorrow evening, and I will be a happy mama.
Today I am grateful for:
1. The bird outside my office window who actually pecked at the glass for more food (I had put out food on my windowsill yesterday). How fun! I went out and put some crushed up crackers on the windowsill (while he watched from a tree), came back inside and watched him fly back to my window ledge and eat away.
2. My prayer life. I think I am blessed to have been raised in a family that emphasized the power of prayer, and who prayed on a regular basis. Combine that with a wonderful church family growing up, and wonderful Christian friends along the way...and my prayer life has grown, deepened, and I treasure my time talking with and listening to God.
3. Crushed ice. I'm addicted. Totally. And it's a great treat on a hot summer day.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Weeping Forward
I am on Day 3 of my study of "The Book of Ruth: Loss, Love and Legacy" and I am LOVING it. So far, it's very applicable to this stage in my life. The concept I have related to the most is "weeping forward". I am at a stage of loss, and I am still weeping (grieving is more appropriate...alot of the tears have subsided) but I AM moving forward. Which is a total "God thing". Phillippians 4:13 at its best. There is no way I could move forward on my own. I haven't even been able to conceive of a life in which I am not married to this man until recently. God has helped me face the inevitable, He has held me in His arms as I have pleaded for it not to happen, questioned why it did, asked for His healing and grace, asked for His help in forgiveness, and now...He is taking me by the hand and helping me to walk forward. And with every step I take, I get stronger, and my steps become more confident and hopeful. I am actually looking forward to the next stage of my journey. So, although I may still be weeping...I am weeping forward, and that is so much healthier emotionally and spiritually than weeping backwards, or weeping while staying put. God will never lead me somewhere I don't need to be!
Today I am grateful for:
1. The God given grace to handle loss.
2. Forgiveness.
3. Hope.
Today I am grateful for:
1. The God given grace to handle loss.
2. Forgiveness.
3. Hope.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Contemplative
I'm in a very contemplative mood this morning...thinking...reflecting...praying. I'm in a situation where I find myself extremely disappointed in someone that I expect more out of. Someone whom I am watching make one bad decision after another. Someone who is making me question who they REALLY are.
Have you ever wondered if you really knew a person? Someone who was once very close to you, or maybe still is? Someone who you watch self-destruct before your very eyes, and there is nothing you can do? Someone whose actions are having a domino effect on alot of lives around them, and yet, it's like they can't see through the fog to get a clear vision of how they are paying it forward.
I love the phrase "pay it forward"...and I loved that movie when it came out a few years ago. I'm forever telling my girls to pay it forward, and to think about WHAT IT IS that you are paying forward. In some ways, it's the golden rule simply restated..."Do Unto Others As You Would Have Done Unto You". Put forth kindness, and you will receive kindness. Put forth neglect, and you will receive neglect. And so on and so on. The other side to it, besides the return you will yield, is that when there is no other way to pay back a kindness done unto you, say a thank you by paying it forward.
Anyway....the person who is heavy on my heart this morning is paying it forward in a negative way. And it breaks my heart, and is tearing at my soul. All I know to do is to continue to show grace towards this person, and to lay this person at the foot of the Cross.
There you go...I think that may be my first "sad" blog ever. I have a hard time writing when I am sad. Well, I write, but more in a prayer journal instead of on here. But for now, my blogging is therapeutic for me, and so I am becoming a little more real in what is going on in my life, and at the same, very cautious of what I say, since this is a public venue.
This morning I am grateful for:
1. Sleep. I hope to get some later...lol. Insomnia struck AGAIN last night...I couldn't turn my brain off.
2. The relationship of sisters. I am very close to my own sister, and I treasure talking with her. We had a great talk yesterday. And I look at my own daughters, and I see such a deep and close relationship between them (and yes, they do argue). They are spending time together this week at Casie's apartment, and it makes me feel good inside.
3. My new online Bible study. I am participating for the first time ever in an online study...it should be interesting at the least. We are studying the Book of Ruth, and it is going to be a very powerful study for me at this point in my life...I can already tell.
Have you ever wondered if you really knew a person? Someone who was once very close to you, or maybe still is? Someone who you watch self-destruct before your very eyes, and there is nothing you can do? Someone whose actions are having a domino effect on alot of lives around them, and yet, it's like they can't see through the fog to get a clear vision of how they are paying it forward.
I love the phrase "pay it forward"...and I loved that movie when it came out a few years ago. I'm forever telling my girls to pay it forward, and to think about WHAT IT IS that you are paying forward. In some ways, it's the golden rule simply restated..."Do Unto Others As You Would Have Done Unto You". Put forth kindness, and you will receive kindness. Put forth neglect, and you will receive neglect. And so on and so on. The other side to it, besides the return you will yield, is that when there is no other way to pay back a kindness done unto you, say a thank you by paying it forward.
Anyway....the person who is heavy on my heart this morning is paying it forward in a negative way. And it breaks my heart, and is tearing at my soul. All I know to do is to continue to show grace towards this person, and to lay this person at the foot of the Cross.
There you go...I think that may be my first "sad" blog ever. I have a hard time writing when I am sad. Well, I write, but more in a prayer journal instead of on here. But for now, my blogging is therapeutic for me, and so I am becoming a little more real in what is going on in my life, and at the same, very cautious of what I say, since this is a public venue.
This morning I am grateful for:
1. Sleep. I hope to get some later...lol. Insomnia struck AGAIN last night...I couldn't turn my brain off.
2. The relationship of sisters. I am very close to my own sister, and I treasure talking with her. We had a great talk yesterday. And I look at my own daughters, and I see such a deep and close relationship between them (and yes, they do argue). They are spending time together this week at Casie's apartment, and it makes me feel good inside.
3. My new online Bible study. I am participating for the first time ever in an online study...it should be interesting at the least. We are studying the Book of Ruth, and it is going to be a very powerful study for me at this point in my life...I can already tell.
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