Wow....October 30th. Hard to believe. October begins my favorite time of the year, and this month has flown. Alot has taken place in my life this month....some things bad, some things okay, and alot of things good.
My friend Vicki began her first round of chemo on Thursday. So far, she is doing wonderful. She is a wonderful giver and encourager, and because of the way she has lifted people up her whole life, everyone has been so wonderfully encouraging and supportive of her during this time when she needs it so much.
I've got dinner cooking for her and her family right now...a tad intimidating, since cooking is her forte, and well....it's NOT mine!
Casie is home from school again this weekend...and so I'm always happy when both girls are together. Last nite I took Linds and 2 friends to Memphis looking for costumes, and was regaled with ghost stories and urban legends the entire time. It definitely took me back to when I was 13 or 14 and how much we loved scaring one another at slumber parties. The stories are basically the same, just more updated versions. It made me smile. The girls are with their dad right now, and so I've been busy running errands, painting a wooden jack o'lantern (yes, I know Halloween is tomorrow...so my neighborhood will enjoy it for a day and half until next year), and cooking. Gingerbread cake is in the oven right now. I'm looking forward to watching Ranger baseball and Razorback football later. Once the girls come back home, the house will be chaotic again as I get food ready to take to Vicki and her family, and Casie and I will be helping Linds get ready for a Halloween costume party. It's wonderful weather to enjoy the hammock, and if I manage to squeeze in a few minutes, that would be icing on the cake.
I hope everyone out there is enjoying a gorgeous fall day! Time to take the cake out of the oven. Mmmmm...
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
An Unexpected Makeover
Last night was my first night in my DivorceCare Recovery Group since my divorce was final last week. For anyone not familiar with divorce recovery groups, it might sound like I was getting the "cart before the horse" by beginning the group before I was divorced, but within this group are a roomful of people who are at various stages in the separation/divorce process. Some walk in just hours after a spouse has left, some have been alone for months or years, some are separated hoping to reconcile, some are separated just flat out confused and emotionally paralyzed, some are separated waiting on the lengthy and tedious divorce process to end. Some are in contentious divorces, some are in peaceful divorces. Some stories are worse than mine, some stories are not as bad. The one thread of commonality in this diverse group are that we are all in pain...whether we instigated the divorce or not.
Each evening of this group has been enlightening for me. Not enjoyable, by any means, but I am learning, and I am benefiting from it. It is a RECOVERY group after all, which means you are in pain if you are in there. It is stretching me as a woman, as a Christian, as a healing individual. It is making me healthier. We go through alot of kleenex in that room, and that's the men as much as the women. We cry alot, we listen alot, we share alot, and we laugh alot.
Last night I was so encouraged however, when we started the meeting off in our usual way....by saying ONE gratitude we have that week. Some of these gratitudes are as basic as "I got dressed today", "I got 2 hours of sleep last night", "I didn't drink myself to sleep last night." Some are desperate "I am thankful for the food stamp approval", "I am thankful my house is not in foreclosure", "I am thankful I have a place to sleep". As people heal a little, the gratitudes change as well to things like "I am thankful for my children", "I am thankful for my friends", "I am thankful I have a job". I mean...we are talking RAW emotions here. The gratitudes usually reflect the level of pain and/or healing that has been felt that week.
Let me get back to my point...I was encouraged last night because I was able to say "After 3 long and painful years of separation, reconciliation, separation again, I am grateful that I am divorced and that I am at peace finally." The responses I received were things like "I never seen you smile like that", "Your whole demeanor has changed", "You look years younger", "I see a joy in you".
It reminded me of one of my all-time favorite Anne Lamotte quotes - "Joy is the best makeup."
Am I joyful that I am divorced? NO.
I AM joyful that I am healing. I AM joyful that I am at peace finally. I AM joyful that I am now feeling hope again. I AM joyful that I am loved by family and friends. I AM joyful that they didn't tire of me on my darkest days! I AM joyful that I see blue in a sky that has been black for a long time.
My joy has given me an unexpected makeover.
Don't get me wrong...I'm not throwing out the drawerful of Clinique, Maybelline, L'Oreal or Origins. I am middle aged after all, and even with my new joy and peace, I know I still need coverup, mascara and the lipstick.
Each evening of this group has been enlightening for me. Not enjoyable, by any means, but I am learning, and I am benefiting from it. It is a RECOVERY group after all, which means you are in pain if you are in there. It is stretching me as a woman, as a Christian, as a healing individual. It is making me healthier. We go through alot of kleenex in that room, and that's the men as much as the women. We cry alot, we listen alot, we share alot, and we laugh alot.
Last night I was so encouraged however, when we started the meeting off in our usual way....by saying ONE gratitude we have that week. Some of these gratitudes are as basic as "I got dressed today", "I got 2 hours of sleep last night", "I didn't drink myself to sleep last night." Some are desperate "I am thankful for the food stamp approval", "I am thankful my house is not in foreclosure", "I am thankful I have a place to sleep". As people heal a little, the gratitudes change as well to things like "I am thankful for my children", "I am thankful for my friends", "I am thankful I have a job". I mean...we are talking RAW emotions here. The gratitudes usually reflect the level of pain and/or healing that has been felt that week.
Let me get back to my point...I was encouraged last night because I was able to say "After 3 long and painful years of separation, reconciliation, separation again, I am grateful that I am divorced and that I am at peace finally." The responses I received were things like "I never seen you smile like that", "Your whole demeanor has changed", "You look years younger", "I see a joy in you".
It reminded me of one of my all-time favorite Anne Lamotte quotes - "Joy is the best makeup."
Am I joyful that I am divorced? NO.
I AM joyful that I am healing. I AM joyful that I am at peace finally. I AM joyful that I am now feeling hope again. I AM joyful that I am loved by family and friends. I AM joyful that they didn't tire of me on my darkest days! I AM joyful that I see blue in a sky that has been black for a long time.
My joy has given me an unexpected makeover.
Don't get me wrong...I'm not throwing out the drawerful of Clinique, Maybelline, L'Oreal or Origins. I am middle aged after all, and even with my new joy and peace, I know I still need coverup, mascara and the lipstick.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Ending and Beginning
I've sat down at the laptop almost everyday this week, trying to find the words to write. I had a major event happen in my life this week, but the words just haven't been coming out in a coherent way. I've had so many different emotions and thoughts that my mind seems to be in a jumble when it comes to expressing myself.
This week my divorce wrapped up....I went to court, and it is all final. A very surreal feeling....the ending of 23 years of my life as I knew it, well, 25 years if you count our courtship. There is sadness, but there is an overwhelming feeling of peace. My life has been in turmoil for such a long time, and I prayed for peace the day I was going into court, and God answered my prayers. My best friend was my witness, and another dear friend of mine came for moral support. The court proceeding was very quick, as ours was an uncontested divorce. My spouse and his attorney did not even have to be present. I was actually grateful for that. I felt stronger without him there. I had a tough day emotionally the day before court...just knowing it was all ending was very hard. I reached out to my inner circle of family and friends, and was received with overwhelming support and encouragement, and alot of prayer.
For those who know me well, you know I am opposed to divorce in most situations and did everything I knew to do to work on the marriage, but it was not meant to be. Two people have to want to be willing to stay together and work on the relationship. When one spouse has made up their mind it is over, there is very little that can be done at that point. I am not blaming my spouse, I am simply stating the facts at this point. So, I came to the legal ending of a marriage that had already ended quite awhile ago. I grieve that, but more than anything, I am full of hope for my future, and for the beginning of a new chapter in my life.
There has been alot of pain, alot of chaos, and now...for me, there is peace. Still alot of healing to be done, still some grieving to go through. But what a blessing to feel a sense of peace! My prayers for my daughters are that they will continue to have the healing that God provides when we are so deeply wounded. They amaze me, and they have been strong in their faith. We continue to grow closer, and for that, I am so thankful. I have spent a wonderful lazy, rainy Sunday with both of them...we have talked, shared, napped, and laughed together today. We have had LOTS of laughter. I look at both of them with such mixed feelings...so sad that their pain has been caused by the ending of mine and their father's marriage, but so grateful on one hand that my girls have learned that life can be very painful, messy and at the least, is not perfect. They have taken a hit emotionally, and they are still standing. They are learning the same thing I am learning...that life is full of endings, but also beginnings. Life goes on...and it will be sweet and wonderful, full of laughter. Mixed into that will be pain, tough times, illness, and many hurdles to face and overcome. But that is what makes life so rich....it is a tapestry woven out of ALL of our experiences and relationships.
This week my divorce wrapped up....I went to court, and it is all final. A very surreal feeling....the ending of 23 years of my life as I knew it, well, 25 years if you count our courtship. There is sadness, but there is an overwhelming feeling of peace. My life has been in turmoil for such a long time, and I prayed for peace the day I was going into court, and God answered my prayers. My best friend was my witness, and another dear friend of mine came for moral support. The court proceeding was very quick, as ours was an uncontested divorce. My spouse and his attorney did not even have to be present. I was actually grateful for that. I felt stronger without him there. I had a tough day emotionally the day before court...just knowing it was all ending was very hard. I reached out to my inner circle of family and friends, and was received with overwhelming support and encouragement, and alot of prayer.
For those who know me well, you know I am opposed to divorce in most situations and did everything I knew to do to work on the marriage, but it was not meant to be. Two people have to want to be willing to stay together and work on the relationship. When one spouse has made up their mind it is over, there is very little that can be done at that point. I am not blaming my spouse, I am simply stating the facts at this point. So, I came to the legal ending of a marriage that had already ended quite awhile ago. I grieve that, but more than anything, I am full of hope for my future, and for the beginning of a new chapter in my life.
There has been alot of pain, alot of chaos, and now...for me, there is peace. Still alot of healing to be done, still some grieving to go through. But what a blessing to feel a sense of peace! My prayers for my daughters are that they will continue to have the healing that God provides when we are so deeply wounded. They amaze me, and they have been strong in their faith. We continue to grow closer, and for that, I am so thankful. I have spent a wonderful lazy, rainy Sunday with both of them...we have talked, shared, napped, and laughed together today. We have had LOTS of laughter. I look at both of them with such mixed feelings...so sad that their pain has been caused by the ending of mine and their father's marriage, but so grateful on one hand that my girls have learned that life can be very painful, messy and at the least, is not perfect. They have taken a hit emotionally, and they are still standing. They are learning the same thing I am learning...that life is full of endings, but also beginnings. Life goes on...and it will be sweet and wonderful, full of laughter. Mixed into that will be pain, tough times, illness, and many hurdles to face and overcome. But that is what makes life so rich....it is a tapestry woven out of ALL of our experiences and relationships.
Monday, October 18, 2010
The Bottom is Solid
Yesterday's worship service was very emotional for me, as well as several of my dearest friends. One friend, very dear to my heart, was preaching and another was singing a solo. These two fellows go way back in ministry together...having been on staff as pastor and music minister in more than one church. They and their wives also happen to be some of my dearest friends in the world.
Barry sang a solo, "Praise the Lord". It's a song he does very well...and he has done many times. His voice was soaring, when he got to a verse that talked about life's storms, and his voice cracked with emotion. I was sitting with my daughter, Casie, on the 2nd pew, and looked at my precious friend, Vicki, in the choir loft. She is Barry's wife, and she is dealing with her newly diagnosed breast cancer. My tears were already flowing, and I saw hers as well. This was a small congregation, and one that is very close, and there were many tears as Barry struggled with his emotion, and then finished the song, once again soaring. Mark got up to preach, and his topic was "The Bottoms in Life". So relevant, as we all hit bottoms. One thing he said was that he and Vicki had been talking the day before and she had said "the bottom is solid". I nodded my head in agreement.
I've been to the bottom very recently, with the dissolvement of my family. My prayers and dreams for reconciliation were not to be, and I am now healing, rediscovering and redefining. I have and continue to go through all the vast array of emotions as I recover...denial, disappointment, woundedness, anger, disillusionment, grief, joy and healing. As a believer in Christ, I can honestly say that when I hit the bottom, yes, it was solid. God was right there to catch me. I thought about my precious friend, Vicki. She is at a HUGE bottom in her life. Cancer...what a scary diagnosis to receive. I can't even imagine how I would be feeling. A lump in her breast, that spread to her lymph nodes. She has had 3 surgical procedures in two weeks...a lumpectomy, lymph nodes removed in one arm, and a port installation for her upcoming chemo. Today she is getting a full body pet scan to see if the cancer has spread anywhere else. She has an "army" of people praying for negative results today. Her life has been turned upside down in the last 4 weeks, and will be for quite some time. And yet, SHE is the one who said "the bottom is solid". Mark, our dear friend who preached, whom I have known since college and have been honored to be pastored by and friends with, hit a bottom eleven years ago this month, with the acknowledgment of his battle with alcoholism. He now speaks at AA meetings and his wife, my friend Janie, speaks at Al-Anon. They minister to addicts all the time. But eleven years ago, he had disappointed himself, family, friends, and his church congregation. He lost his job and spent 90 days in rehab. He is an example of someone who not only hit the bottom, but who found it solid. And with God's help and alot of hard work, he is no longer on the bottom, but soars through life, still ministering and still helping others. A friend sitting behind me has hit bottom with a past divorce, suicide of her ex spouse, drug addiction in her family, and a recent death of someone close to her.
I thought of how blessed we all are. We are so loved by a gracious and merciful God, who catches us at the bottom. The chords of friendship among each other have held us together through all kinds of bottoms....and the chords have grown stronger with each pit we have climbed out of. We're smart enough to know that we can't climb out of the pit for one another, but we can lean over and give each other a hand. We're even the kind of friends that will get down in the pit WITH each other, if that's what it takes. Not hitting rock bottom together, but getting down there to help the one who's hit the bottom, and to offer the acceptance, love, support and encouragement needed.
I can't imagine going through life's bottoms without a close walk with God, and I can't imagine going through life's bottoms without close encouraging friends at your side.
I thought of my girls, one a young woman in her twenties, and one a young teenage woman. They've already had a tougher time than I would have wanted for them at a young age. And as much as my maternal instincts want to protect them from the rock bottoms in life, very few of us get through life without hitting a bottom of some sort. My prayer for them is that they will believe that God will be at the bottom when they hit, and that they will recognize Him when they are there.
Another point that Mark made, (he had four - but I'll only address this one) is that the best way to get out of the pit when you hit bottom is to begin and continue with a spirit of gratitude. If all you can say at that point is "Thank you God for being here", or "thank you that I'm alive"...that is enough. Whatever you find, it IS enough. The crazy and wonderful thing about gratitude, is that once you start it, your eyes will open more and more to blessings around you. You will begin to see things differently, and in a positive way. I know that God has done His most amazing work in me when I've been at the bottom. I certainly don't like it there, but I can honestly say, that the bottom can be the beginning of something amazing.
Barry sang a solo, "Praise the Lord". It's a song he does very well...and he has done many times. His voice was soaring, when he got to a verse that talked about life's storms, and his voice cracked with emotion. I was sitting with my daughter, Casie, on the 2nd pew, and looked at my precious friend, Vicki, in the choir loft. She is Barry's wife, and she is dealing with her newly diagnosed breast cancer. My tears were already flowing, and I saw hers as well. This was a small congregation, and one that is very close, and there were many tears as Barry struggled with his emotion, and then finished the song, once again soaring. Mark got up to preach, and his topic was "The Bottoms in Life". So relevant, as we all hit bottoms. One thing he said was that he and Vicki had been talking the day before and she had said "the bottom is solid". I nodded my head in agreement.
I've been to the bottom very recently, with the dissolvement of my family. My prayers and dreams for reconciliation were not to be, and I am now healing, rediscovering and redefining. I have and continue to go through all the vast array of emotions as I recover...denial, disappointment, woundedness, anger, disillusionment, grief, joy and healing. As a believer in Christ, I can honestly say that when I hit the bottom, yes, it was solid. God was right there to catch me. I thought about my precious friend, Vicki. She is at a HUGE bottom in her life. Cancer...what a scary diagnosis to receive. I can't even imagine how I would be feeling. A lump in her breast, that spread to her lymph nodes. She has had 3 surgical procedures in two weeks...a lumpectomy, lymph nodes removed in one arm, and a port installation for her upcoming chemo. Today she is getting a full body pet scan to see if the cancer has spread anywhere else. She has an "army" of people praying for negative results today. Her life has been turned upside down in the last 4 weeks, and will be for quite some time. And yet, SHE is the one who said "the bottom is solid". Mark, our dear friend who preached, whom I have known since college and have been honored to be pastored by and friends with, hit a bottom eleven years ago this month, with the acknowledgment of his battle with alcoholism. He now speaks at AA meetings and his wife, my friend Janie, speaks at Al-Anon. They minister to addicts all the time. But eleven years ago, he had disappointed himself, family, friends, and his church congregation. He lost his job and spent 90 days in rehab. He is an example of someone who not only hit the bottom, but who found it solid. And with God's help and alot of hard work, he is no longer on the bottom, but soars through life, still ministering and still helping others. A friend sitting behind me has hit bottom with a past divorce, suicide of her ex spouse, drug addiction in her family, and a recent death of someone close to her.
I thought of how blessed we all are. We are so loved by a gracious and merciful God, who catches us at the bottom. The chords of friendship among each other have held us together through all kinds of bottoms....and the chords have grown stronger with each pit we have climbed out of. We're smart enough to know that we can't climb out of the pit for one another, but we can lean over and give each other a hand. We're even the kind of friends that will get down in the pit WITH each other, if that's what it takes. Not hitting rock bottom together, but getting down there to help the one who's hit the bottom, and to offer the acceptance, love, support and encouragement needed.
I can't imagine going through life's bottoms without a close walk with God, and I can't imagine going through life's bottoms without close encouraging friends at your side.
I thought of my girls, one a young woman in her twenties, and one a young teenage woman. They've already had a tougher time than I would have wanted for them at a young age. And as much as my maternal instincts want to protect them from the rock bottoms in life, very few of us get through life without hitting a bottom of some sort. My prayer for them is that they will believe that God will be at the bottom when they hit, and that they will recognize Him when they are there.
Another point that Mark made, (he had four - but I'll only address this one) is that the best way to get out of the pit when you hit bottom is to begin and continue with a spirit of gratitude. If all you can say at that point is "Thank you God for being here", or "thank you that I'm alive"...that is enough. Whatever you find, it IS enough. The crazy and wonderful thing about gratitude, is that once you start it, your eyes will open more and more to blessings around you. You will begin to see things differently, and in a positive way. I know that God has done His most amazing work in me when I've been at the bottom. I certainly don't like it there, but I can honestly say, that the bottom can be the beginning of something amazing.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Glorious Mess
Halftime in the Arkansas/Auburn game, and we Hog fans are not pleased at the moment. I decided to get online and check some articles and blogs I wanted to read. I came across an article by a young woman named Holly Gerth. She is a write for Dayspring, and a co-founder of (in)courage.
This short article was on how God makes us amazing. And one part that stuck out was:
"You....the one doing your own thing, making your difference, being a glorious mess that God can use."
I smiled. I feel like a mess alot of the time. But I've never put the word "glorious" in front of it. I have wondered how my marriage got in a mess. I've wondered how my life became a mess. I've wondered if my daughters will be a mess because of mine and their father's mistakes. Now that I'm coming out stronger on the other end, I've realized that being a mess isn't necessarily a bad thing. Especially if we don't just stay a mess, but become "a glorious mess that God can use."
Just look at the examples in the Bible.....God has always used people who were a mess. We just have to be open and obedient. He'll take care of the rest.
So for today, I am smiling that I am a glorious mess. And I'm saying "God, please us me. Let me make a difference."
This short article was on how God makes us amazing. And one part that stuck out was:
"You....the one doing your own thing, making your difference, being a glorious mess that God can use."
I smiled. I feel like a mess alot of the time. But I've never put the word "glorious" in front of it. I have wondered how my marriage got in a mess. I've wondered how my life became a mess. I've wondered if my daughters will be a mess because of mine and their father's mistakes. Now that I'm coming out stronger on the other end, I've realized that being a mess isn't necessarily a bad thing. Especially if we don't just stay a mess, but become "a glorious mess that God can use."
Just look at the examples in the Bible.....God has always used people who were a mess. We just have to be open and obedient. He'll take care of the rest.
So for today, I am smiling that I am a glorious mess. And I'm saying "God, please us me. Let me make a difference."
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