There is a saying on friendship that I love: "It takes a long time to grow an old friend."
I love my friends, both the old and the new. But there is something so comforting about the old friends. It is like being wrapped up in a warm old soft blanket or quilt...the kind you have had for ages. Or sitting in your favorite comfy chair...it fits just right and almost seems to hug you when you sink into it.
The comfort of old friends is the familiarity..the knowing that you don't have to overexplain yourself, sometimes you don't have to explain at all. You can be comfortable with an old friend in total silence or talking. If it's an old friend, chances are, you have shared laughter and tears, joys and sorrows, tragedies in life, fun in life...and the list can go on and on.
I just spent a weekend with my former sister in law and my two nieces. I have come to think of as a genuine sister. We have become treasured friends over the years. She is one of my strongest encouragers and prayer warriors in life. I feel no need to put on a mask when I am with her..I can be my true genuine self....and what a relief that can be. We had a weekend that simply involved hanging out, talking, catching up. We ventured out for dinner, but other than that, it was just time meant for visiting. For me, it was wonderful.
Tonight, I am going to be having coffee and visiting with four of my other oldest friends. They too have been in my life for ages, and we have weathered all sorts of things together. I am myself when I am with them also. When we are together, the conversation goes from light to deep, jokes are shared, laughter is frequent, real "gut level" emotions are free to be shared, and tears can be spilled. We simply love one another.
I've always remembered this song from my Brownie Girl Scout days:
"Make new friends, but keep the old.
One is silver, and the other gold."
I'm so thankful for my friends of gold!
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Wounds v. Scars
I woke up this morning at my usual (as of late) odd hour of 3 or 4 am. Insomnia....induced by hormones (thank you mid life), stress and my upcoming divorce...I also recently have been referred for A.D.D. testing and have learned that insomnia and the inability to turn off one's mind from worries is a symptom. Soooo....take your pic of any of the 3 above or all 3 as to why I wake up between 3 and 4 each morning.
I had gone through a very emotional evening last night...many tears (and the gut wrenching sobs) of someone in deep pain. Without going into detail, let's just say that the end of a marriage and rearranging of the family unit is more painful than I could ever have imagined. It's as if I take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back in my healing.
For the last few weeks, I have been eager for the legal process to end, hopeful for the future, and ready (gulp) to face the life ahead of me. Someone even told me last week that my countenance was returning to one of joy, and that there was a lilt in my voice and a lilt in my step again. I think I walked on air the rest of the day. Those words meant alot to me.
Then BAM! Last night happened...and a painful event that seemed to sucker punch me in the gut and there I found myself....down on the ground again and bleeding out. After crying (thank goodness for sleepovers with friends, so that one daughter was at a friend's house last night...and the other away at college), no....after sobbing...I found myself with my Bible in my hands and prayers on my heart. I spent some very intimate time with my Savior....my Healer...my Comforter....my Rock. My sobbing subsided to tears...the tears subsided to gulps of fresh air....and then....calm. My cries for help turned to praises for His healing balm that He so generously pours over me.
After waking up at my odd hour, I got up, made something to drink and read a little. Once my mind and heart were settled down and peaceful again, I drifted off to sleep. I ended up awakening before the alarm went off, and was eagerly awaiting a broadcast of "Wednesdays with Beth". I love Beth Moore...listening to her, reading her books, doing her bible studies. Sometimes I feel as if she writes directly to me.
This morning she was speaking on rejection. Whoa. Almost changed the channel....I didn't want to be reminded of rejection. Then I realized that it was something I am meant to hear, since I am living it. I can't remember everything she said, because one example she spoke of just stuck out....it reached out through the television and grabbed ahold of me.
She spoke on the difference between scars and wounds. She pointed to a spot on her leg and said that was a scar...an old scar from a bicycle accident. She poked it, punched it....and told everyone that it did NOT hurt. She went on to say that if we are truly healed by God, sure...we will have scars from that old wound. But there will be no more pain. For we have been healed. If we poke or punch on that spot, and it hurts, it is still a wound. And we need to ASK and then to ALLOW God to pour out His healing on us.
I realized that my healing is a journey. The whole 3 steps forward, 2 steps back thing is normal. I'm quite weary of the whole thing...hurting for so long and so much takes a toll. But it brings such amazing grace, and it has allowed me to grow in my walk with Christ in a way that might not have happened if I weren't in this state of despair. When you poke and punch on me, I still hurt. I still bleed. And just like a wound begins to first heal with a scab, that scab can come off easily before the healing is through. That's where I'm at now in the healing process. The wounds are healing...I see God's handiwork in my life each and everyday. But I'm not healed to the point of having a painless scar....I have a tender scab on those wounds, and sometimes, that scab gets ripped off.
For the first time ever, I think I am actually looking forward to a scar. In the physical realm, scars are either revered (i.e., the person who proudly shows off the scar from a battle wound or sports injury) or they are not wanted out of vanity and our need to think real beauty is flawless.
I realize that my wounds are deep, and I will have scars. I will never be flawless. But that's okay. I look forward to the scars...because maybe, when someone asks how I got them, I can share my story and share how the wonderful healing and grace of God closed up my wounds.
I had gone through a very emotional evening last night...many tears (and the gut wrenching sobs) of someone in deep pain. Without going into detail, let's just say that the end of a marriage and rearranging of the family unit is more painful than I could ever have imagined. It's as if I take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back in my healing.
For the last few weeks, I have been eager for the legal process to end, hopeful for the future, and ready (gulp) to face the life ahead of me. Someone even told me last week that my countenance was returning to one of joy, and that there was a lilt in my voice and a lilt in my step again. I think I walked on air the rest of the day. Those words meant alot to me.
Then BAM! Last night happened...and a painful event that seemed to sucker punch me in the gut and there I found myself....down on the ground again and bleeding out. After crying (thank goodness for sleepovers with friends, so that one daughter was at a friend's house last night...and the other away at college), no....after sobbing...I found myself with my Bible in my hands and prayers on my heart. I spent some very intimate time with my Savior....my Healer...my Comforter....my Rock. My sobbing subsided to tears...the tears subsided to gulps of fresh air....and then....calm. My cries for help turned to praises for His healing balm that He so generously pours over me.
After waking up at my odd hour, I got up, made something to drink and read a little. Once my mind and heart were settled down and peaceful again, I drifted off to sleep. I ended up awakening before the alarm went off, and was eagerly awaiting a broadcast of "Wednesdays with Beth". I love Beth Moore...listening to her, reading her books, doing her bible studies. Sometimes I feel as if she writes directly to me.
This morning she was speaking on rejection. Whoa. Almost changed the channel....I didn't want to be reminded of rejection. Then I realized that it was something I am meant to hear, since I am living it. I can't remember everything she said, because one example she spoke of just stuck out....it reached out through the television and grabbed ahold of me.
She spoke on the difference between scars and wounds. She pointed to a spot on her leg and said that was a scar...an old scar from a bicycle accident. She poked it, punched it....and told everyone that it did NOT hurt. She went on to say that if we are truly healed by God, sure...we will have scars from that old wound. But there will be no more pain. For we have been healed. If we poke or punch on that spot, and it hurts, it is still a wound. And we need to ASK and then to ALLOW God to pour out His healing on us.
I realized that my healing is a journey. The whole 3 steps forward, 2 steps back thing is normal. I'm quite weary of the whole thing...hurting for so long and so much takes a toll. But it brings such amazing grace, and it has allowed me to grow in my walk with Christ in a way that might not have happened if I weren't in this state of despair. When you poke and punch on me, I still hurt. I still bleed. And just like a wound begins to first heal with a scab, that scab can come off easily before the healing is through. That's where I'm at now in the healing process. The wounds are healing...I see God's handiwork in my life each and everyday. But I'm not healed to the point of having a painless scar....I have a tender scab on those wounds, and sometimes, that scab gets ripped off.
For the first time ever, I think I am actually looking forward to a scar. In the physical realm, scars are either revered (i.e., the person who proudly shows off the scar from a battle wound or sports injury) or they are not wanted out of vanity and our need to think real beauty is flawless.
I realize that my wounds are deep, and I will have scars. I will never be flawless. But that's okay. I look forward to the scars...because maybe, when someone asks how I got them, I can share my story and share how the wonderful healing and grace of God closed up my wounds.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Getting to Know Myself
“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” - Dr. Seuss.
The above quote is my status today on Facebook. Yep, I'm 47 years old, about to be single, mother to two amazing daughters, loved by family and friends, happy in my job and there are days where I feel as if I'm just now getting to know myself.
Walking through a storm in life, and surviving, will cause deep reflection. I have resisted the break up of my family with every ounce of strength I have. I have prayed for healing and reconciliation. The healing has come, the reconciliation was not meant to be. Although I am deeply saddened by this unwanted change in my life, I am learning to find out who I am. I am God's creation, and I know He has plans for me that are yet to be discovered.
I'm learning to be alone, and not feel lonely. I am learning to treasure every ounce of life in a day, and never take for granted those that I love. I am learning that "life is messy" (to borrow the phrase from a friend of mine), but life is still worth living and it is still a gift. I am so far from perfect it is scarey. I have made so many mistakes that I would take back if I could. But they are out there, and they are a part of me....who I am now. And hopefully, who I am now is better than who I was, and again, hopefully, what I am becoming is a better version of who I am now.
I'm also learning to love myself...as God would have me to. I'm learning that being true to myself and simply being "me" is a very good thing. In the past I allowed relationships, circumstances, mistakes and events beat me down, and keep me down. That was my own fault. So, I'm owning up to the fact that no one can make me feel bad about myself without my permission...so no excuses from now on, and no more shifting of the blame.
I am me....and I am uniquely made. I am flawed, but none of us isn't. I've lived long enough to fail and to succeed. I have ached with pain and I have danced with joy. I have cried an ocean and I have doubled over with laughter. I have been surrounded by friends and I have been alone. I have felt the sting of rejection and the grace of acceptance. I have been ignored and I have been embraced. I have loved and been loved. I hope to love again.
The above quote is my status today on Facebook. Yep, I'm 47 years old, about to be single, mother to two amazing daughters, loved by family and friends, happy in my job and there are days where I feel as if I'm just now getting to know myself.
Walking through a storm in life, and surviving, will cause deep reflection. I have resisted the break up of my family with every ounce of strength I have. I have prayed for healing and reconciliation. The healing has come, the reconciliation was not meant to be. Although I am deeply saddened by this unwanted change in my life, I am learning to find out who I am. I am God's creation, and I know He has plans for me that are yet to be discovered.
I'm learning to be alone, and not feel lonely. I am learning to treasure every ounce of life in a day, and never take for granted those that I love. I am learning that "life is messy" (to borrow the phrase from a friend of mine), but life is still worth living and it is still a gift. I am so far from perfect it is scarey. I have made so many mistakes that I would take back if I could. But they are out there, and they are a part of me....who I am now. And hopefully, who I am now is better than who I was, and again, hopefully, what I am becoming is a better version of who I am now.
I'm also learning to love myself...as God would have me to. I'm learning that being true to myself and simply being "me" is a very good thing. In the past I allowed relationships, circumstances, mistakes and events beat me down, and keep me down. That was my own fault. So, I'm owning up to the fact that no one can make me feel bad about myself without my permission...so no excuses from now on, and no more shifting of the blame.
I am me....and I am uniquely made. I am flawed, but none of us isn't. I've lived long enough to fail and to succeed. I have ached with pain and I have danced with joy. I have cried an ocean and I have doubled over with laughter. I have been surrounded by friends and I have been alone. I have felt the sting of rejection and the grace of acceptance. I have been ignored and I have been embraced. I have loved and been loved. I hope to love again.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Knocked Down, But Not Out
Today, I had an incident happen in which I was pretty much knocked down. Not literally, but emotionally. It was a very hurtful situation, and done by someone once very close to me. It pretty much had me in a "funk" most of the day, and then I just now read something that has helped me pick myself back up, dust myself off, breathe deeply and smile.
The author was relating life to those punching bags that bounce back after they are punched or knocked down. The key to being able to bounce back is to not do it on your strength, but to allow God to lift you back up.
Life can be tough...even brutal at times. Relationships, events, illness, circumstances, and so on can punch us hard in the gut and before we know it, we've been knocked down....the breath taken out of us. But we need to breathe deeply...inhale God's strength, and allow the Lord to help us bounce back.
When I was reading this article, I thought of an old Bozo punching bag I played with as a kid. I was googling images of the punching bag, when I found the one I posted here, the brand "Everlast". So much more fitting for God's strength than the image of a Bozo punching bag, don't you think?
So...I have decided to visualize this Everlast punching bag the next time I am knocked down by someone or something. And I'm going to smile...because God isn't going to let me stay down. And that is a wonderful feeling!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
New Path
"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be." Douglas Adams
When I married 23 years ago, I fully intended for it to be a one time event. I never foresaw that my marriage would be one of the many that end in divorce. I never thought our family would shatter.
However, it did. Wounds have been inflicted and lives forever altered. But, through the miracle of God's faithfulness and grace....we are beginning to heal.
We never intended to go down this road, but here we are. On a journey that has included alot of pain, but also an incredible amount of love and hope.
The old and familiar is being replaced with the new and the unknown. Some relationships are transforming, being introduced...others are staying the same in their faithfulness even in the face of change, but with renewed commitment to the continuation of always "being there" for one another.
No...I would not have chosen a path this painful. I would've avoided the storms of life if I could have. But without pain, there is no healing. Without trials, blessings are often not recognized. Without the understanding of loss, there is no compassion. Without failures, successess go unnoticed. Again, I would not have chosen to go down this path. But now that I have, I realize this is where I need to be. Hopefully...a person with a deeper love, understanding and compassion for those around me. Hopefully, a more faithful servant to my Lord. Hopefully, a better mother, daughter, sister, friend and woman... this much improved emotional and spiritual place is exactly where I intended to be.
When I married 23 years ago, I fully intended for it to be a one time event. I never foresaw that my marriage would be one of the many that end in divorce. I never thought our family would shatter.
However, it did. Wounds have been inflicted and lives forever altered. But, through the miracle of God's faithfulness and grace....we are beginning to heal.
We never intended to go down this road, but here we are. On a journey that has included alot of pain, but also an incredible amount of love and hope.
The old and familiar is being replaced with the new and the unknown. Some relationships are transforming, being introduced...others are staying the same in their faithfulness even in the face of change, but with renewed commitment to the continuation of always "being there" for one another.
No...I would not have chosen a path this painful. I would've avoided the storms of life if I could have. But without pain, there is no healing. Without trials, blessings are often not recognized. Without the understanding of loss, there is no compassion. Without failures, successess go unnoticed. Again, I would not have chosen to go down this path. But now that I have, I realize this is where I need to be. Hopefully...a person with a deeper love, understanding and compassion for those around me. Hopefully, a more faithful servant to my Lord. Hopefully, a better mother, daughter, sister, friend and woman... this much improved emotional and spiritual place is exactly where I intended to be.
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