Roadtrips and Change

On this extremely hot southern Thursday morning, I am thinking about one of the many changes in a family that occurs due to separation and divorce. The summer vacation, or road trip.

Due to our very changing and limited financial circumstances, there is no "big" extravagant vacation this year, but two relatively small but fun road trips (mini vacations) planned for my girls next week. Half of the week will be with their dad on a trip and half with me on a trip.

We never did have alot of money, and so we never were a family that did alot of the "big" vacations. We had some wonderful ones, don't get me wrong. But we never did "big" each year. Sometimes it had to be as simple as a getaway to the grandparents for a few days. That was always fine with our girls...they love being around extended family.

Due to their father being a firefighter/paramedic and having odd shifts, and due to our often tense marriage, I became quite used to the trips back home being on my own..just me and the girls. But I guess just knowing that the 4 of us could take a trip together and often would, made it not seem unusual.

This summer it is different. We are intentionally taking separate vacations and it just seems a little weird...and on one hand, natural at this stage of the relationship. I know, I know...that is conflicting. Welcome to my world. Lots of conflicting emotions.

I find myself being nostalgic over the trips we took together as a family of four, and I hope that in spite of all that has taken place, that those memories will forever remain in the hearts and minds of our girls.

Like the roadmap picture above, my life right now seems like a new road trip. Where will I go? What kind of journey am I on? What is my destination? How many stops along the way? How many times will I take a wrong turn, get lost or have to back up and retrace? It's all a new adventure.

My prayer for my girls is that they will have wonderful experiences with each of us, and that good memories will be made. There is so much pain tangled up in all of this, and we all need a mini break from it.

Now...to list my blessings this morning:

1. I am blessed by the beauty of flowers around me. I haven't done much in my yard this year, and don't plan on it. But my few pots are thriving and pretty, and I just cut some daylilies from the flower bed outside my office window and brought them into my office to enjoy. Flowers make me happy.

2. I am thankful for cherries. Yep...you heard me. And for the friend who brought me a huge bag of them. I love the fresh cherries in summertime, but they are often very expensive. It's a real treat when I buy them for myself. And I eat them slowly and savor each one. My treasure of a friend, Debbie, brought me a large bag when she came with my nieces to visit this past weekend. In addition to being one of my favorite fruits, the biggest blessing was in the simple fact that Debbie, who lives 11 hours away from me in Austin, remembers the "small things". Like the fact that I love cherries.

3. I am grateful for the encouragers in my life. I have many. Encouragement is really a gift from God. I hope that I use it when I am prompted to lift someone up. Whether my encouragement is in the form of time spent with a friend, a text, an email, a phone call, a card in the mail, or a facebook message...I have so many people out there who are good at that. What a HUGE blessing they are!

Gratitude

I'm home today from the office...relishing my all time favorite role in life...that of "mom". Unfortunately, I'm nursing Linds from a double tooth extraction today, which although she did very well, has definitely caused some discomfort and tears this afternoon. I hate seeing either one of my girls in pain, but I'm glad when I can offer comfort during that time. Thankfully, I have a wonderful job that allows me to do this sort of thing without the guilt and worry that some people have in their jobs when they need to take off. I've had jobs like that, and I hate the conflict between work and family.

While Linds has been napping, I've been blessed enough to talk to my older daughter on the phone, to read a little in my current book, and to visit other blogs. One blog that I came across was talking about living more joyfully. I was interested....one of her suggestions was to start naming 3 blessings a day. I think that's a worthwhile endeavor, and one that should be easy.

So far today:

1. I am thankful that I am blessed with a job that enables me to do "the mom thing" and that is very family friendly.

2. I am thankful for the local Sonic which we frequent, and the slush that soothed my daughter's pain earlier and the iced tea that refreshed me on this hot summer day.

3. I am thankful for the 2 Texas bluebonnets standing tall in my Delta Arkansas yard. It's not exactly a field of bluebonnets, but it reminds me of my beloved Texas, and of the friend and my grandmother, who each sent me seeds.

This is something I am going to try and do daily. They may not show up on my blog each day, but then again, they may for awhile.

If you read me at all, you know I am going through a painful divorce. One that was very unwanted, but one that I see now is necessary. Losing my husband and my best friend has been the pits. Although my girls have not lost their father (he loves them dearly), they have lost him in a way, as far as the dailiness of life, and him being a part of the small things. That has pretty much sucked.

So we are all about grace, healing, joy and gratitude these days. I'm hoping this naming of blessings and seeking joy in an intentional way will be something that reminds me that life is FULL of joy...sometimes I just have to open my eyes and notice.

Fear

Tonight, alone in my room, I'm thinking of the things that frighten me. My fears have a tendency to grip me in the night, and as a result, I've endured many restless and/or sleepless nights.

Throughout the long journey of the breakup of my marriage, the two separations, and the finalizing of my divorce, God has done some very incredible things in the midst of deep pain. I've often felt alone in this process, but it seems at those times when I do feel alone, He wraps His arms around me and reminds me that I'm not.

And yet, fears still haunt me...they still plague me. And to make it worse, I feel as the mom, I'm supposed to be the brave one and show my girls my strengths and not my weaknesses.

But I'm learning, that sometimes, God gives us the most strength and courage when we are brave enough to admit "I'm scared. And I'm scared of ____________".

The things that scare me the most right now:

Worrying the impact the divorce is having on my daughters, and knowing I can't stop the onslaught of pain they are feeling.

Fear that total healing will not come.

Fear of rejection.

Fear of abandonment.

Fear that I will never be loved by someone, and never again have the chance to love.

Fear that I will find love again. Then what?

Fear of my financial state.

Fear of trusting again.

Fear of settling.

Fear of changes.

I could go on and on with my list of fears. And the funny thing is...they are fluid. What scares me tonight may not scare me tomorrow.

One thing that is NOT fluid, however, is God's faithfulness in tending to my fears.

"When I am afraid, I will trust in you." Psalm 56:3

It's so good to know that I don't have to STAY afraid and full of fear. I may choose to, which would be sad for me. But I don't have to. So....I'm choosing to trust. I've never been let down yet.

But feel free to email,write or text at 3 am. After all...it IS a process. And chances are...I'm wide awake.

Old Friends

There is a saying on friendship that I love: "It takes a long time to grow an old friend."

I love my friends, both the old and the new. But there is something so comforting about the old friends. It is like being wrapped up in a warm old soft blanket or quilt...the kind you have had for ages. Or sitting in your favorite comfy chair...it fits just right and almost seems to hug you when you sink into it.

The comfort of old friends is the familiarity..the knowing that you don't have to overexplain yourself, sometimes you don't have to explain at all. You can be comfortable with an old friend in total silence or talking. If it's an old friend, chances are, you have shared laughter and tears, joys and sorrows, tragedies in life, fun in life...and the list can go on and on.

I just spent a weekend with my former sister in law and my two nieces. I have come to think of as a genuine sister. We have become treasured friends over the years. She is one of my strongest encouragers and prayer warriors in life. I feel no need to put on a mask when I am with her..I can be my true genuine self....and what a relief that can be. We had a weekend that simply involved hanging out, talking, catching up. We ventured out for dinner, but other than that, it was just time meant for visiting. For me, it was wonderful.

Tonight, I am going to be having coffee and visiting with four of my other oldest friends. They too have been in my life for ages, and we have weathered all sorts of things together. I am myself when I am with them also. When we are together, the conversation goes from light to deep, jokes are shared, laughter is frequent, real "gut level" emotions are free to be shared, and tears can be spilled. We simply love one another.

I've always remembered this song from my Brownie Girl Scout days:

"Make new friends, but keep the old.
One is silver, and the other gold."

I'm so thankful for my friends of gold!

Wounds v. Scars

I woke up this morning at my usual (as of late) odd hour of 3 or 4 am. Insomnia....induced by hormones (thank you mid life), stress and my upcoming divorce...I also recently have been referred for A.D.D. testing and have learned that insomnia and the inability to turn off one's mind from worries is a symptom. Soooo....take your pic of any of the 3 above or all 3 as to why I wake up between 3 and 4 each morning.

I had gone through a very emotional evening last night...many tears (and the gut wrenching sobs) of someone in deep pain. Without going into detail, let's just say that the end of a marriage and rearranging of the family unit is more painful than I could ever have imagined. It's as if I take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back in my healing.

For the last few weeks, I have been eager for the legal process to end, hopeful for the future, and ready (gulp) to face the life ahead of me. Someone even told me last week that my countenance was returning to one of joy, and that there was a lilt in my voice and a lilt in my step again. I think I walked on air the rest of the day. Those words meant alot to me.

Then BAM! Last night happened...and a painful event that seemed to sucker punch me in the gut and there I found myself....down on the ground again and bleeding out. After crying (thank goodness for sleepovers with friends, so that one daughter was at a friend's house last night...and the other away at college), no....after sobbing...I found myself with my Bible in my hands and prayers on my heart. I spent some very intimate time with my Savior....my Healer...my Comforter....my Rock. My sobbing subsided to tears...the tears subsided to gulps of fresh air....and then....calm. My cries for help turned to praises for His healing balm that He so generously pours over me.

After waking up at my odd hour, I got up, made something to drink and read a little. Once my mind and heart were settled down and peaceful again, I drifted off to sleep. I ended up awakening before the alarm went off, and was eagerly awaiting a broadcast of "Wednesdays with Beth". I love Beth Moore...listening to her, reading her books, doing her bible studies. Sometimes I feel as if she writes directly to me.

This morning she was speaking on rejection. Whoa. Almost changed the channel....I didn't want to be reminded of rejection. Then I realized that it was something I am meant to hear, since I am living it. I can't remember everything she said, because one example she spoke of just stuck out....it reached out through the television and grabbed ahold of me.

She spoke on the difference between scars and wounds. She pointed to a spot on her leg and said that was a scar...an old scar from a bicycle accident. She poked it, punched it....and told everyone that it did NOT hurt. She went on to say that if we are truly healed by God, sure...we will have scars from that old wound. But there will be no more pain. For we have been healed. If we poke or punch on that spot, and it hurts, it is still a wound. And we need to ASK and then to ALLOW God to pour out His healing on us.

I realized that my healing is a journey. The whole 3 steps forward, 2 steps back thing is normal. I'm quite weary of the whole thing...hurting for so long and so much takes a toll. But it brings such amazing grace, and it has allowed me to grow in my walk with Christ in a way that might not have happened if I weren't in this state of despair. When you poke and punch on me, I still hurt. I still bleed. And just like a wound begins to first heal with a scab, that scab can come off easily before the healing is through. That's where I'm at now in the healing process. The wounds are healing...I see God's handiwork in my life each and everyday. But I'm not healed to the point of having a painless scar....I have a tender scab on those wounds, and sometimes, that scab gets ripped off.

For the first time ever, I think I am actually looking forward to a scar. In the physical realm, scars are either revered (i.e., the person who proudly shows off the scar from a battle wound or sports injury) or they are not wanted out of vanity and our need to think real beauty is flawless.

I realize that my wounds are deep, and I will have scars. I will never be flawless. But that's okay. I look forward to the scars...because maybe, when someone asks how I got them, I can share my story and share how the wonderful healing and grace of God closed up my wounds.