I am on Day 3 of my study of "The Book of Ruth: Loss, Love and Legacy" and I am LOVING it. So far, it's very applicable to this stage in my life. The concept I have related to the most is "weeping forward". I am at a stage of loss, and I am still weeping (grieving is more appropriate...alot of the tears have subsided) but I AM moving forward. Which is a total "God thing". Phillippians 4:13 at its best. There is no way I could move forward on my own. I haven't even been able to conceive of a life in which I am not married to this man until recently. God has helped me face the inevitable, He has held me in His arms as I have pleaded for it not to happen, questioned why it did, asked for His healing and grace, asked for His help in forgiveness, and now...He is taking me by the hand and helping me to walk forward. And with every step I take, I get stronger, and my steps become more confident and hopeful. I am actually looking forward to the next stage of my journey. So, although I may still be weeping...I am weeping forward, and that is so much healthier emotionally and spiritually than weeping backwards, or weeping while staying put. God will never lead me somewhere I don't need to be!
Today I am grateful for:
1. The God given grace to handle loss.
2. Forgiveness.
3. Hope.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Contemplative
I'm in a very contemplative mood this morning...thinking...reflecting...praying. I'm in a situation where I find myself extremely disappointed in someone that I expect more out of. Someone whom I am watching make one bad decision after another. Someone who is making me question who they REALLY are.
Have you ever wondered if you really knew a person? Someone who was once very close to you, or maybe still is? Someone who you watch self-destruct before your very eyes, and there is nothing you can do? Someone whose actions are having a domino effect on alot of lives around them, and yet, it's like they can't see through the fog to get a clear vision of how they are paying it forward.
I love the phrase "pay it forward"...and I loved that movie when it came out a few years ago. I'm forever telling my girls to pay it forward, and to think about WHAT IT IS that you are paying forward. In some ways, it's the golden rule simply restated..."Do Unto Others As You Would Have Done Unto You". Put forth kindness, and you will receive kindness. Put forth neglect, and you will receive neglect. And so on and so on. The other side to it, besides the return you will yield, is that when there is no other way to pay back a kindness done unto you, say a thank you by paying it forward.
Anyway....the person who is heavy on my heart this morning is paying it forward in a negative way. And it breaks my heart, and is tearing at my soul. All I know to do is to continue to show grace towards this person, and to lay this person at the foot of the Cross.
There you go...I think that may be my first "sad" blog ever. I have a hard time writing when I am sad. Well, I write, but more in a prayer journal instead of on here. But for now, my blogging is therapeutic for me, and so I am becoming a little more real in what is going on in my life, and at the same, very cautious of what I say, since this is a public venue.
This morning I am grateful for:
1. Sleep. I hope to get some later...lol. Insomnia struck AGAIN last night...I couldn't turn my brain off.
2. The relationship of sisters. I am very close to my own sister, and I treasure talking with her. We had a great talk yesterday. And I look at my own daughters, and I see such a deep and close relationship between them (and yes, they do argue). They are spending time together this week at Casie's apartment, and it makes me feel good inside.
3. My new online Bible study. I am participating for the first time ever in an online study...it should be interesting at the least. We are studying the Book of Ruth, and it is going to be a very powerful study for me at this point in my life...I can already tell.
Have you ever wondered if you really knew a person? Someone who was once very close to you, or maybe still is? Someone who you watch self-destruct before your very eyes, and there is nothing you can do? Someone whose actions are having a domino effect on alot of lives around them, and yet, it's like they can't see through the fog to get a clear vision of how they are paying it forward.
I love the phrase "pay it forward"...and I loved that movie when it came out a few years ago. I'm forever telling my girls to pay it forward, and to think about WHAT IT IS that you are paying forward. In some ways, it's the golden rule simply restated..."Do Unto Others As You Would Have Done Unto You". Put forth kindness, and you will receive kindness. Put forth neglect, and you will receive neglect. And so on and so on. The other side to it, besides the return you will yield, is that when there is no other way to pay back a kindness done unto you, say a thank you by paying it forward.
Anyway....the person who is heavy on my heart this morning is paying it forward in a negative way. And it breaks my heart, and is tearing at my soul. All I know to do is to continue to show grace towards this person, and to lay this person at the foot of the Cross.
There you go...I think that may be my first "sad" blog ever. I have a hard time writing when I am sad. Well, I write, but more in a prayer journal instead of on here. But for now, my blogging is therapeutic for me, and so I am becoming a little more real in what is going on in my life, and at the same, very cautious of what I say, since this is a public venue.
This morning I am grateful for:
1. Sleep. I hope to get some later...lol. Insomnia struck AGAIN last night...I couldn't turn my brain off.
2. The relationship of sisters. I am very close to my own sister, and I treasure talking with her. We had a great talk yesterday. And I look at my own daughters, and I see such a deep and close relationship between them (and yes, they do argue). They are spending time together this week at Casie's apartment, and it makes me feel good inside.
3. My new online Bible study. I am participating for the first time ever in an online study...it should be interesting at the least. We are studying the Book of Ruth, and it is going to be a very powerful study for me at this point in my life...I can already tell.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Monday Blues
Well, 'tis Monday and I am back to reality. I usually get a little "blue" late on Sunday evenings or early Monday mornings, and this week was no exception. I'm so grateful for my quick trip back home, time spent with family, time spent with friends. And I'm very grateful in this economy to have a job I love to come back to, and to all of my wonderful friends here in my town.
Yet, even having said that, I am still a little "blue" on this Monday. I came back home to the same stresses everyone else has. I guess I just wanted to be able to plop back into the comfy guest bed at my mom and dad's house for ONE MORE DAY and be able to pull the covers over my head and just be pampered a wee bit longer.
The girls have left together...Casie had to go back to Conway for the week, and took her little sis with her. Some special "sister time" will be good for them. So, it's me and the dogs for a week. I don't have a dime to spend, since I just got back from the roadtrip, but that's okay. Instead of shopping by myself, or getting with someone to see a movie or go out to eat, I'm going to use it as a time to catch up on my reading, to correspond with some friends, to sleep WHENEVER I want...lol, to eat popcorn for dinner if I feel like it, and to just enjoy myself at home.
Today I am grateful for:
1. Time alone - I am learning to appreciate it instead of dreading it.
2. Good books.
3. Long telephone conversations with special people.
Yet, even having said that, I am still a little "blue" on this Monday. I came back home to the same stresses everyone else has. I guess I just wanted to be able to plop back into the comfy guest bed at my mom and dad's house for ONE MORE DAY and be able to pull the covers over my head and just be pampered a wee bit longer.
The girls have left together...Casie had to go back to Conway for the week, and took her little sis with her. Some special "sister time" will be good for them. So, it's me and the dogs for a week. I don't have a dime to spend, since I just got back from the roadtrip, but that's okay. Instead of shopping by myself, or getting with someone to see a movie or go out to eat, I'm going to use it as a time to catch up on my reading, to correspond with some friends, to sleep WHENEVER I want...lol, to eat popcorn for dinner if I feel like it, and to just enjoy myself at home.
Today I am grateful for:
1. Time alone - I am learning to appreciate it instead of dreading it.
2. Good books.
3. Long telephone conversations with special people.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Heading Home
Well, it's a little after midnite on Saturday, and I should be in bed since we are leaving in the morning heading back home. It's a long 8 hour drive, but I'm not quite ready to hit the hay just yet.
I'm going through that wistful nostalgic feeling of not wanting to head back to home...to reality...to work...to the struggles and stress. But I AM more than ready to give my Lindsey a big ol' bear hug. It's a weird feeling traveling with only part of your family, and not the whole.
I'm learning and RE-learning ('cause I'm slow in this area) just how much of life is about changes, transitions and loss. I'm having to be flexible more than ever in my life...it's all about giving up control...my OWN control...trusting God to take the reins and lead.
Giving up control is hard...loss is hard....the changes and transitions vary from hard to tolerable to getting easier. I'm also at the point where I'm embracing many of the changes, and that is exciting.
Today I am grateful for:
1. Coffee with a friend this weekend.
2. Feeling valued by people. I've been missing that emotionally in a certain area of my life....it's nice to experience it again.
3. Laughter. I know I've listed this one before...but honestly....laughter does have amazing healing power. And I've laughed ALOT on this trip.
I'm going through that wistful nostalgic feeling of not wanting to head back to home...to reality...to work...to the struggles and stress. But I AM more than ready to give my Lindsey a big ol' bear hug. It's a weird feeling traveling with only part of your family, and not the whole.
I'm learning and RE-learning ('cause I'm slow in this area) just how much of life is about changes, transitions and loss. I'm having to be flexible more than ever in my life...it's all about giving up control...my OWN control...trusting God to take the reins and lead.
Giving up control is hard...loss is hard....the changes and transitions vary from hard to tolerable to getting easier. I'm also at the point where I'm embracing many of the changes, and that is exciting.
Today I am grateful for:
1. Coffee with a friend this weekend.
2. Feeling valued by people. I've been missing that emotionally in a certain area of my life....it's nice to experience it again.
3. Laughter. I know I've listed this one before...but honestly....laughter does have amazing healing power. And I've laughed ALOT on this trip.
Reconnecting
Yesterday was a day of reconnecting for me. It's always great being in my hometown....I seem to just soak up the time I get to spend with my parents, grandmother, my brother and his family. I always walk through the door, and it's as if my worries and stress are able to simply melt away for a few days.
This trip has been no different in that regard. We've laughed alot...I mean REALLY alot. Which tends to be the case. And we've had long talks at length. My life has changed drastically over the last few years, and it has been hard on my parents living 8 hours away and not being geographically closer. And as a parent, I understand that feeling they have had. However, that's probably been very good for me. As I rediscover myself on this journey of life and loss, I've had to lean on the Lord in such a profound way, and I probably would've been tempted to lean on my earthly parents more if they were closer.
But I do treasure these times when I AM able to be close to them and bask in the comfort and love of home.
But another wonderful treat happened on this trip....I've been able to reconnect with two very special people in my life. Both were very special in the past, and remain so today. One of my dearest girlfriends ever, a "heart" friend, as I like to say came to the house and picked me up for lunch. We talked, listened, shared, laughed and were serious for the next 3 hours. It's a treasure when you are able to pick up with someone after a few years, as if it has been only a few days since you talked last.
The other person I was blessed enough to reconnect with, left me with very overwhelming thoughts and emotions. It is simply a person from my past, very very special to me and it was just simply amazing to share a cup of coffee after not seeing one another for 29 years. It was simply....a very good thing.
And of course, the time with my brother, his wife and kids is always fun. The boys are so energetic and full of life....I always want to say "Gimme some of that!" Jason and Wendy are awesome parents, and I love watching the interactions between their family. I'm reminded of how quickly children grow and how much I sometimes miss those times when my girls were younger.
I'm missing Linds like crazy, and am in the mood to tell her so....but since it's 6:30 am on a Saturday morning and she would kill me if I called...I think I'll wait.
This morning I am grateful for:
1. Reconnections.
2. The comfort of a familiar embrace.
3. The inner strength I seem to gather when I am in an environment of love, support and acceptance.
This trip has been no different in that regard. We've laughed alot...I mean REALLY alot. Which tends to be the case. And we've had long talks at length. My life has changed drastically over the last few years, and it has been hard on my parents living 8 hours away and not being geographically closer. And as a parent, I understand that feeling they have had. However, that's probably been very good for me. As I rediscover myself on this journey of life and loss, I've had to lean on the Lord in such a profound way, and I probably would've been tempted to lean on my earthly parents more if they were closer.
But I do treasure these times when I AM able to be close to them and bask in the comfort and love of home.
But another wonderful treat happened on this trip....I've been able to reconnect with two very special people in my life. Both were very special in the past, and remain so today. One of my dearest girlfriends ever, a "heart" friend, as I like to say came to the house and picked me up for lunch. We talked, listened, shared, laughed and were serious for the next 3 hours. It's a treasure when you are able to pick up with someone after a few years, as if it has been only a few days since you talked last.
The other person I was blessed enough to reconnect with, left me with very overwhelming thoughts and emotions. It is simply a person from my past, very very special to me and it was just simply amazing to share a cup of coffee after not seeing one another for 29 years. It was simply....a very good thing.
And of course, the time with my brother, his wife and kids is always fun. The boys are so energetic and full of life....I always want to say "Gimme some of that!" Jason and Wendy are awesome parents, and I love watching the interactions between their family. I'm reminded of how quickly children grow and how much I sometimes miss those times when my girls were younger.
I'm missing Linds like crazy, and am in the mood to tell her so....but since it's 6:30 am on a Saturday morning and she would kill me if I called...I think I'll wait.
This morning I am grateful for:
1. Reconnections.
2. The comfort of a familiar embrace.
3. The inner strength I seem to gather when I am in an environment of love, support and acceptance.
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