Mother May I

I remember as a child LOVING to play "Mother May I"....the game where you could take the baby steps, giant steps, scissor steps, etc.

Sometimes I feel like I am playing that in my own life right now as I begin to redefine and rediscover who I am. Will today be a day of baby steps as I inch towards something? Will I feel very confident and exuberant enough to....GULP....try a GIANT step? Will I be uncertain and wary and go for the awkward scissor step....trying to sidestep certain issues or people? What if I mess up and find myself taking a backward step?

Learning to navigate life as a single mom and woman is a series of ALL of these steps. Although our divorce isn't final yet, I feel single already, in the sense of tackling life alone, as we have basically been separated most of the last three years. I am still living life very respectful of the boundaries of marriage, and so, until our divorce is final, I do know that I am still married. But due to the fact that this has been such a long few years, and the fact that we are in the final stages, I am finding myself thinking and reacting to life as a single mom. Sound confusing? Yep, it is.

Anyways....I am taking all of these steps. I will say that ANY step forward...the baby step or the giant step, is so good for my soul. I feel as if I've accomplished something major everytime my life, my healing, my self esteem, my conquering of fears moves forward. I'll gladly take it an inch at a time...when I'm able to leap..I feel ecstatic. But there has been alot of the scissor stepping...learning to discuss issues with the girls' father from a different perspective...someone who loves our girls as deeply as I do, yet someone who is no longer living with me requires alot of that awkward scissor stepping. And believe me, I have taken alot of backward steps on this journey also.

As I think of this, I realize that our spiritual lives and emotional lives are often full of these steps anyway...regardless of our marital status. We grow a little, take a baby step. We discover something about ourselves or something about our Lord and move forward with that giant step. We feel unsure and take the scissor step....we mess up, and backwards we go.

Lately, I've been taking more of the forward moving steps....and it is feeling really good. I mean REALLY good. I've learned alot about perseverance and that means that sometimes, I've just had to "stand still". As a kid, if the person playing "Mother" didn't call on my name to take a step, I remember feeling impatient waiting my turn. As I'm learning more and more about handing over my control to God, there has been ALOT of waiting...standing still. And yes, true to my human nature, I have been impatient. I have tapped my toes. But God is sovereign, and knows what is best...and my toe tapping probably only makes Him chuckle. You see, I am really trying not to take steps without asking "God, may I?" Because I have found that when I take these steps in life WITHOUT Him, I often find myself having to go backwards and start over. But I am here to say that God rewards our obedience, and when the time is right, when it is HIS time, and not ours, He says "Yes, you may"....and we find ourselves able to take these steps.

Today, I am grateful for:

1. The value in standing still.

2. Steps.

3. The fact that God still loves me and smiles on me, even when I have to go back to the starting line.

Changes

Nothing in my life seems stable right now....although when I actually stop to reflect on that statement, I can see that I need to restate. ALOT in my life is changing, and unstable.

What is constant is God's amazing grace, mercy and love for me. He just continues to pour it down over my head.

Another constant....the love that flows between my daughters and me. They are my greatest joy on earth.

And yet....another constant....the love and support of the fabulous friends I have.

Maybe I should rename this blog "My Constants"????

But it really is true that my life is changing...I am seeking to redefine myself and rediscover myself. I am transitioning from wife to single woman. In mid-life. A scary and daunting venture...but God is holding my hand.

My oldest daughter transitioned this summer from coming home to staying at UCA fulltime. I wasn't quite prepared for that. It seems as if she is gone permanently, although she comes home alot. For which I am thankful.

My youngest daughter is changing from pre-teen to full blown teenager. Well, she is 13....in her eyes, a full blown teenager. She keeps reminding me of the ability to get her permit next year.

My health is changing...I recently was diagnosed as A.D.D....yep, in my late 40s. (I'm always late...so this would be typical for me) I started meds today, and could already tell a difference in my focus. I'm hoping my disorganized mind vastly improves.

My financial status has changed...the pending divorce leaves me with alot of worry and concern over being responsible for so much. I have to take deep breaths....and tell myself "God knows my needs".

Casie, my oldest, has a health issue that is a big change for her. I won't share that just now...it's hers to share. And although it's going to be okay, it will mean a daily medication for her and some changes in her life.

My attitude is changing....I find myself becoming more peaceful and happy. This is a result of healing.

My activities and interests are changing...I feel the need to broaden my activities and relationships.

My walk with the Lord is changing....my personal family crisis has made me rely on God in a deeper way than ever before. I've learned to say "Here.....it's in YOUR hands". I have realized that giving up control is hard....but comes with such huge blessings.

My self confidence is changing....I am moving (maybe 2 steps forward, 3 steps back...but still...) into a place where I am confident...confident that I am a child of the King and that I AM LOVED. Being rejected took a huge toll on me, and feeling discarded and unloved as well as unloveable kept me in a pit. I am emerging.

Today, I am grateful for:

1. Changes.

2. Growth

3. Constants

July 4th

Well, my blog is simply titled July 4th, although today is the 5th. Yesterday was too busy for me to sit down and take the time to write. Actually, I could've given up the after church nap....but...nah.

More nostalgia on this holiday, as I reminisced about all the July 4ths our family enjoyed together. Wonderful memories....now it's simply time to make new ones. As I go through these nostalgic times of realizing how much our lives have changed, I simply have to mentally will myself to "snap out of it"...take the good memories with me, treasure them, not be afraid to revisit them, but also find the God given strength (and I give Him all the credit on my strength) and move ahead...forging new traditions, keeping some of the old, and making new memories that will be different, but hopefully just as good.

Had a wonderful worship service, and grilled ribs (our tradition we shall keep) and the sides for our lunch after church. Took a quick nap (always my Sunday routine...but especially needed since Lindsey was hosting a few of her friends over for a party at supper time). I was a little intimidated by the boy/girl aspect, and of the shooting of the big fireworks, knowing it would just "be me". I was the solo adult in charge. I felt more than capable, and yet, intimidated at the same time. These are a great group of kids however, so I felt it would be fine. And fine it was...they were fun, energetic, lively and well behaved. Of course, they were way more preoccupied with fire power than I would've liked...but hey...you're only 13 once. Casie had gone out with some of her old high school buddies who had decided this would be a good time to catch up on where their lives had taken them over the last 4 years. Hanging out with young people is a good way to feel young yourself...of course, I felt quite old this morning when I woke up. I've had alot of late nites recently, and they are definitely taking a toll on this ol' chick.

This morning, I slept in late, then woke up, made a cold drink, and took the current novel I am reading, and made my way to the hammock. A wonderful summer breeze and cooler temps allowed me to enjoy being outside for a couple of hours before the heat kicked in and I wanted a/c. I felt lazy and wonderful. Casie goes back to UCA tomorrow, and it'll just be me and Linds again. I love having both of them together, as all moms do when their kids are all at home at once.

Today I am thankful for:

1. My girls

2. Lazy days of summer.

3. Fireworks and freedom.

A Little Hammock Time

Today was a regular summer Saturday...girls sleeping late (I didn't mind...just glad they are home at the same time!), errands and grocery shopping, the girls' dad came over and spent some time with them, and then they left for the Memphis Redbird game. I finished up some work in the backyard, and then upon feeling a cool breeze....quickly made my way to my favorite outdoor spot....the hammock.

I had been having a mental pity party while I was mowing. It's an odd feeling seeing the girls go off with their dad. Not that I don't want them to....I'm glad they do. It's just that the dissolvement of a family is sad all the way around. There's no other way to put it. Baseball games are something we all enjoyed together. One year, that was his Valentine Day present from me, season tickets. So, I was feeling nostalgic and sad knowing they were doing something we used to all do together. We have also had some wonderful July 4ths together....and it is sad to me, knowing that we won't be anymore. So my mind was getting bogged down in sadness.

I eased in, glad to have a place to rest the tired ol' body (yard work takes a toll on me the older I get), and looked up towards the sky. Gorgeous blue, a few white fluffy clouds. The dogs were laying in the grass next to me, birds were actually chirping, leaves rustling in the wind....it was a perfect evening.

I was able to think on some things that have been crowding my mind lately...and for some reason, I think clearly outside and even more clearly in my hammock. Maybe it's all in my head, but I seem to have better focus out there. I spent some much needed time in prayer. And afterwards, I dozed in my hammock and enjoyed a nap in the fading sunshine.

When it came time to come back inside, I felt more relaxed and centered. I was able to realize that I am still going to feel some sadness over 23 years of marriage ending. There is still some pain to work through, and more tears that will be shed. But, I was also able, after my prayers and reflection, to realize that God still has plans for me....and they are going to be good, and I am excited to find out what they are. I felt His healing hands upon me again today...reminding me that He is in control, and He has me safely in His arms.

That's what my hammock does for me.

Today I am grateful for:

1. My hammock.

2. The freedom I have to go outside in my backyard and worship and pray. What a great country we live in!

3. Healing.

Anticipation

Friday.....yea!!! There's always a sense of anticipation for me on Fridays...I look forward to my weekends, whether they be quiet relaxing ones with no agenda or hectic ones with a full schedule. Just the change of being away from the office (as much as I love my job) is good for me.
I am eagerly awaiting the arrival of both of my girls tonight. Casie coming home for just the weekend, and Linds coming back home to stay after spending a week with her sister. Too much quiet was a little offsetting for me. I actually accomplished NOTHING as far as household projects this week. I DID accomplish alot of reading, and that was nice.

Things I am grateful for today:

1. Anticipation - I like having something to look forward to.

2. Simplicity - we are going to have a simple weekend this July 4th....time together spent relaxing, board games, good food. A small party of Lindsey's friends on the night of the 4th, and I'm sure a few fireworks.

3. Time - I love the time that I spend with friends and family....I am thankful for it, and I treasure time more and more with each passing year. Aging has a way of doing that for you!