Hot Flashes

I'm at the age in life where the hot flashes are normal....they're something I am living with, although I don't really greet them with a smile. Unless you've experienced this physical phenomenon, you may not understand just HOW HOT they can be. But trust me...it's like molten lava is running through your body. I remember one time at Home Depot, my family found me in the refrigerator section, with my head stuck in the one freezer the store had set up and running. Another time, they had an "intervention" for me...I was called to the living room where they sat in winter gloves, coats and hats....begging me to turn the A/C up because they were so cold. I looked at them like they were crazy....I was perfectly comfortable.

However, when Casie, my 22 year old daughter, told me over the phone that had began having these a few months ago, I wasn't concerned at first. I just figured she was getting overheated while exercising or doing something physical. But a couple of weeks ago, when she and I were in Texas, I actually saw her have a true hot flash....just like her menopausal mama. Now...she and I have alot in common. We love reading, we love old movies, musicals, Cary Grant and Gene Kelly, we love Sonic, we love dogs, and well...the list could go on and on. But hot flashes? We really don't need to have this in common. I mean...if you see a 45+ woman walking with a personal mister and cooling fan pointed at her face, you don't even blink. But if you see a young, cute college girl doing the same thing, you do a double take.

I told her to go get some bloodwork done when she got back to campus, and lo and behold...several days later we have an official diagnosis now. She has Graves Disease, unfortunately inherited by me. I was diagnosed at 27, and I thought THAT was young. She's just 22. Alot has changed in the medical world since my diagnosis, and as we learned today about her options for treatment and she made her choice, I was thankful she had other routes to go than what I had 20 years ago.

As we sat in the waiting room today, she began to have one of these "ever so fun episodes", and all we could find after frantically digging through both of our purses, was one legal sized envelope with which we devised a fan and frantically began trying to cool her down. We began to laugh and joke about how many middle aged moms and college aged daughters have hot flashes together.

As we laughed and joked in the waiting room, I realized I was glad to share this moment with her. NOT the hot flash moment itself, but the moment of spontaneous laughter we shared as we were dealing with it.

We picked up her meds tonight, and we are hoping that they work quickly.

Today I am grateful for:

1. Medical improvements.

2. The ability to laugh when things aren't going as you planned.

3. Portable fans and personal misters...and Sonic ice...and freezers....and snow cones....and cold showers....well, you get the idea.

Today has been a nice relaxing Sunday...my favorite kind!

I was able to spend some early morning time in my hammock....Flash laid across my lap and took a nap and Cocoa laid underneath the hammock. It was a wonderful morning...cool, a slight breeze, beautiful sunshine...a wonderful way to start a Sunday morning. By the time I needed to go inside and get ready for church, I had already spent some wonderful one-on-one time with God, and in the place I feel Him the most...outside in His creation.

After church, I headed straight for the town of Conway, where Casie is going to school and living. We have hung out in her apartment together today and I really am enjoying the time with her. We both love rainy days, and by this afternoon, the sunshine had changed to thunderstorms. We popped popcorn and watched movies. Took her out for dinner and then a quick trip to the store, and we are back now.

We both wish Linds was here with us, but she and a friend are in Oklahoma visiting another friend who had to move this summer. I just love the specialness and intimacy of good friendships, and so glad that she is able to spend time with these special people.

As I've aged, one thing I've learned is that a regular, ordinary, relaxing day is really special. I don't have to have something exciting or extraordinary. So many of life's memories that we treasure are made up of the simple days we share.

Today I am grateful for:

1. My quiet morning in the hammock.

2. My time with Casie.

3. Knowing Lindsey is building memories of a lifetime just by being with friends.

Helping a Friend Cry

I'm currently reading a book entitled "Walking with God on the Road You Never Wanted to Travel" by Mark Atteberry. I'm about to begin Chap 4, and already several things are speaking out to me.

As you know, I AM on a road I never wanted to travel. But here I am. And quite awhile back, I decided that I'd better get all the help I could in navigating this journey. I'm very thankful that I was healthy enough to make that realization, because I don't think we are designed to travel hard roads alone, no matter how strong we might be.

This is the type of book that would be great to discuss with others...alot of thought provoking statements inside.

I'll just touch on one thing today that has struck a chord within me.

The author writes:

"I love the story about the four-year-old boy who saw his next door neighbor, an elderly gentleman, sitting on his porch, weeping after his wife's funeral. Without saying a word, he walked over, climbed up on the old man's lap, and just sat there. Later, his mother, who'd been watching out the window, asked him what he said to the old man. The little boy answers, "Nothing; I just helped him cry."

WOW. Out of the mouths of babes, eh? I've been blessed to have friends who will simply be with me and help me cry...either sitting next to me, or from afar. They are the kinds that are comfortable being with you in your time of pain, without the need to offer platitudes, advice, or empty words. They don't feel the need to cajole you into laughing or the need to "shush" your tears. They are content to just BE.

The author also reminds us of the verse Romans 12:15 "When others are happy, be happy with them. If they are sad, share their sorrow."

We aren't meant to always fix it, or try to fix it. We aren't expected to say something all the time. Sometimes we just need to be the friend that helps another cry.

That's not to say that we are to enable a person to stay in a pit, or be mired down in the mud. Sometimes we are needed to be proactive with our wounded friends. But that's another chapter.

Today I am grateful for:

1. Friends who help me cry.

2. Learning through my own pain how to be THAT kind of friend myself.

3. The amazing way that sometimes tears give way to smiles and laughter. "Weeping may remain for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."

Mother May I

I remember as a child LOVING to play "Mother May I"....the game where you could take the baby steps, giant steps, scissor steps, etc.

Sometimes I feel like I am playing that in my own life right now as I begin to redefine and rediscover who I am. Will today be a day of baby steps as I inch towards something? Will I feel very confident and exuberant enough to....GULP....try a GIANT step? Will I be uncertain and wary and go for the awkward scissor step....trying to sidestep certain issues or people? What if I mess up and find myself taking a backward step?

Learning to navigate life as a single mom and woman is a series of ALL of these steps. Although our divorce isn't final yet, I feel single already, in the sense of tackling life alone, as we have basically been separated most of the last three years. I am still living life very respectful of the boundaries of marriage, and so, until our divorce is final, I do know that I am still married. But due to the fact that this has been such a long few years, and the fact that we are in the final stages, I am finding myself thinking and reacting to life as a single mom. Sound confusing? Yep, it is.

Anyways....I am taking all of these steps. I will say that ANY step forward...the baby step or the giant step, is so good for my soul. I feel as if I've accomplished something major everytime my life, my healing, my self esteem, my conquering of fears moves forward. I'll gladly take it an inch at a time...when I'm able to leap..I feel ecstatic. But there has been alot of the scissor stepping...learning to discuss issues with the girls' father from a different perspective...someone who loves our girls as deeply as I do, yet someone who is no longer living with me requires alot of that awkward scissor stepping. And believe me, I have taken alot of backward steps on this journey also.

As I think of this, I realize that our spiritual lives and emotional lives are often full of these steps anyway...regardless of our marital status. We grow a little, take a baby step. We discover something about ourselves or something about our Lord and move forward with that giant step. We feel unsure and take the scissor step....we mess up, and backwards we go.

Lately, I've been taking more of the forward moving steps....and it is feeling really good. I mean REALLY good. I've learned alot about perseverance and that means that sometimes, I've just had to "stand still". As a kid, if the person playing "Mother" didn't call on my name to take a step, I remember feeling impatient waiting my turn. As I'm learning more and more about handing over my control to God, there has been ALOT of waiting...standing still. And yes, true to my human nature, I have been impatient. I have tapped my toes. But God is sovereign, and knows what is best...and my toe tapping probably only makes Him chuckle. You see, I am really trying not to take steps without asking "God, may I?" Because I have found that when I take these steps in life WITHOUT Him, I often find myself having to go backwards and start over. But I am here to say that God rewards our obedience, and when the time is right, when it is HIS time, and not ours, He says "Yes, you may"....and we find ourselves able to take these steps.

Today, I am grateful for:

1. The value in standing still.

2. Steps.

3. The fact that God still loves me and smiles on me, even when I have to go back to the starting line.

Changes

Nothing in my life seems stable right now....although when I actually stop to reflect on that statement, I can see that I need to restate. ALOT in my life is changing, and unstable.

What is constant is God's amazing grace, mercy and love for me. He just continues to pour it down over my head.

Another constant....the love that flows between my daughters and me. They are my greatest joy on earth.

And yet....another constant....the love and support of the fabulous friends I have.

Maybe I should rename this blog "My Constants"????

But it really is true that my life is changing...I am seeking to redefine myself and rediscover myself. I am transitioning from wife to single woman. In mid-life. A scary and daunting venture...but God is holding my hand.

My oldest daughter transitioned this summer from coming home to staying at UCA fulltime. I wasn't quite prepared for that. It seems as if she is gone permanently, although she comes home alot. For which I am thankful.

My youngest daughter is changing from pre-teen to full blown teenager. Well, she is 13....in her eyes, a full blown teenager. She keeps reminding me of the ability to get her permit next year.

My health is changing...I recently was diagnosed as A.D.D....yep, in my late 40s. (I'm always late...so this would be typical for me) I started meds today, and could already tell a difference in my focus. I'm hoping my disorganized mind vastly improves.

My financial status has changed...the pending divorce leaves me with alot of worry and concern over being responsible for so much. I have to take deep breaths....and tell myself "God knows my needs".

Casie, my oldest, has a health issue that is a big change for her. I won't share that just now...it's hers to share. And although it's going to be okay, it will mean a daily medication for her and some changes in her life.

My attitude is changing....I find myself becoming more peaceful and happy. This is a result of healing.

My activities and interests are changing...I feel the need to broaden my activities and relationships.

My walk with the Lord is changing....my personal family crisis has made me rely on God in a deeper way than ever before. I've learned to say "Here.....it's in YOUR hands". I have realized that giving up control is hard....but comes with such huge blessings.

My self confidence is changing....I am moving (maybe 2 steps forward, 3 steps back...but still...) into a place where I am confident...confident that I am a child of the King and that I AM LOVED. Being rejected took a huge toll on me, and feeling discarded and unloved as well as unloveable kept me in a pit. I am emerging.

Today, I am grateful for:

1. Changes.

2. Growth

3. Constants