Morning Ritual

I enjoy waking up early in the morning to enjoy the quiet. I grumble getting out of bed (I've never learned the art of "bounding" out of bed in the mornings). My enthusiasm for morning is hidden for a few moments until the coffee kicks in, but once it does, I'm enjoying my favorite time of the day.

Over the past couple of weeks, I've been struggling in my morning time...distractions have kept me from focusing on God, which was what I need every morning. It keeps me centered. So my "center" has been out of whack.

I decided this morning that I would lay the groundwork for good quality time with the Lord...I prepared my coffee, I went and sat at the kitchen table, I even lit a mulled cider candle because candles relax me. I got out my Bible, books and journal. I even found some beautiful hammered dulcimer music on Rhapsody, and had the soothing sounds playing softly in the background. My lab was laying at my feet (usual behavior for Cocoa) and even Flash, our jack russell puppy, seemed to know to be still. Go figure. He laid on a little red pillow and left me alone.

It was exactly what I needed to start off my day. Nothing big was revealed to me this morning. I haven't walked away feeling more spiritual than when I began. But I am calm and rested, and looking forward to a new day.

The best part of the morning so far?? Looking at the sunrise from my front porch and and being amazed at God's faithfulness to me.

Chill

Merriam Webster dictionary gives two definitions of the word "chill" - 1) a sensation of cold accompanied by shivering 2) a check to enthusiasm or warmth of feeling.

We've had a cold front come through the last few days...and I just love it. There is a chill in the October air that tells me that we're deeper into fall now. In the south, sometimes our warm (hot) air lingers much longer than I would like for it to. So I always welcome the chill of the mornings and evenings about this time of year. I love to snuggle in blankets, sweatshirts and jackets. I get excited when the weather calls for comfort foods like pumpkin bread, apple cake, chili or stew. I like to hold a hot mug of coffee or tea and relax with a book or magazine. When the world "chill" is used to describe a coolness in the weather, it has a positive connotation for me.

But when the word "chill" is used to describe a coolness in a relationship, it has negative meaning. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about - we've all felt it. Something happens in a relationship that causes us to feel distant or uncomfortable. Maybe we know what caused it, maybe we have no clue. But you can "feel" the chill between you and the other person, and it is one of the most unsettling feelings I know. Just today, I asked God to show me areas in which maybe I am responsible for bringing a cooling of relationships with others. I have felt a chill between me and someone else, and my feelings have been wounded. But the Lord has gently turned my line of thinking inward instead of outward. Rather than lick my own wounds, He is showing me that there is room for improvement on my end. Maybe I am the one who needs to work on bringing back the warmth. So while I am enjoying the recent chill in the air outside, I certainly don't want a chill in the air of my relationships.

I'm realizing that maybe I need to wrap a blanket of love and encouragement around the people in my life.

Thankful and Sad

I write this morning with a thankful yet sad heart. Our oldest daughter, Casie, is in her junior year at UCA and there was a school shooting last night on campus. Two young lives were taken. She is safe - she was home in her apartment when the shooting occurred. I am so thankful that my child was nowhere near the incident. I am thankful she is safe. I am thankful that I still have her to hug and hold. My heart is saddened however, for the lives lost. I am sad for their families. I am sad for the rest of the student body who are grappling with this news.

I spoke with Casie quite a bit last night by phone. There was alot of frustration over lack of news coming out, there was alot of worry over who had been injured, concern over the suspects on the loose. The campus was on lockdown, and one of her friends was texting from the library, unable to leave. It is a scary thing when your world is turned topsy turvy that way.

I had every intention of blogging about the wonderful weekend we had here, but my mind can't get past the shooting at the present. It happened around 9:30 last night, and at the present, it is consuming my thoughts as well as the thoughts of many others.

Casie was extremely touched last night by all the phone calls, texts, and facebook messages she was getting from friends all over who were checking on her. I was touched as well. I don't know if she and her roommate slept last night or not, but I do know that it wouldn't be well received if I called her this early in the morning. As a mom, I just want to talk to her again. I actually want to get in the car and make the drive and just be with her.

I am going to go get my morning cup of coffee and spend some time with the Lord. I am going to thank Him for keeping my child safe. I am going to thank Him that more students were not shot. I am going to ask Him to comfort the families of the victims and all who have been effected by senseless act of violence. I am going to ask that the person(s) responsible for this act are caught soon so that the lockdown will be lifted. I don't know how long it will take for Casie and the others to feel safe again.

Please keep them in your prayers.

Unsinkable

I wish I had the opportunity for a costume for myself this Halloween. I think I'd like to go as the "Unsinkable Molly Brown". She survived the disaster of the Titanic, and was stuck with that nickname. From what I have read, she was quite a feisty gal.

I've had the kind of year where God has carried me through, and shown me that WITH Him, I am unsinkable.

I have made choices and decisions in my life which have led to consequences that haven't been so great. I've carried around alot of baggage as a result. Baggage that would normally sink a person. And I was sinking. I would tread water and stay afloat for awhile, but eventually I would tire and begin to sink. The baggage grew heavier and heavier.

There have been many times in my adult life that God has tried to show me that the baggage can be thrown overboard. And I would do that...only to jump back in the water, retrieve it, and struggle some more.

This year, I realized that I'm tired of being weighed down. I'm ready to throw it all away. It's hard....in some strange ironic sense, there's comfort in holding onto my baggage. It's a little frightening to release it. But with EVERY piece of baggage I throw overboard (and allow to be swept away, and not try to jump in to retrieve it) there is an INCREDIBLE freedom.

I'm realizing that I'm unsinkable. At long as I'm letting God keep me afloat. And as long as I allow Him to throw the baggage overboard. It's hard to release my grip....my fingers clench tightly to some of the stuff I carry.

Quoting Anne Lamotte again: "Sometimes grace works like waterwings when you feel you are sinking." I want to be aware of and embrace God's grace. I want His grace to be my waterwings.

I want to be unsinkable. So I'm going to continue letting go.

Another Rainy Day

We had another rainy day here...which again means no time in the hammock. (sigh)

It's the kind of day where I would have preferred to lounge around in comfy pj's all day, with a blanket and a good book, wonderful aromas coming from the kitchen, a classic old black and white movie on tv, a nap and then time for reflecting.

It hasn't quite happened that way. Work was extremely busy, parent teacher conferences were tonight, as well as a quick trip to the grocery store. By the time I made it home, I was feeling frazzled and tired.

However, I have done some reflecting the last couple of days on something I read. I was reading "A Beautiful Offering" by Angela Thomas. The particular chapter was "Being Yourself". One paragraph really struck a chord with me. She was speaking to the fact that we all have insecurities, and often we think that God must be crazy for calling us or asking us to do some of the things He lays before us. She writes "I imagine He listens to my protests and says, I hear whining like this all the time. Why does everyone question My sovereignty? I am the Creator here, and I'm not surprised by the talent pool. I have always known it's just you, and I choose to use you anyway."

Wow. I am a person plagued with insecurities. To some people, I hide them well. I believe many others can see right through me. I have realized over the last year that I sabotage myself alot, and I sell myself short as well. For the past year, I have been working on accepting myself but also making healthy changes where needed. I haven't quite learned how to juggle the self-acceptance with the self-improvement. I don't always know what needs to be worked on. And I often feel hopeless. So when I read this paragraph...I realized that God knows me. The real me. There's no hiding or pretending with Him. And yet, He still chooses me. Flaws and all. In spite of my failures. Willing to take on my insecurities. Not minding that I am broken and trying to mend. When the world shuns me, He embraces me.

My human nature finds this hard to accept. Along with the changes and acceptance I have been working on this year, I have felt God not only healing me, but changing things in my life. I feel some doors being closed and others opened. I am beginning to think about the possibilities of God preparing me to possibly lead out in other areas than what I am used to. Getting me out of my comfort zone...which oftens leads to complacency. And as God has been laying new possibilities before me, I have been arguing with Him. Telling Him that I wouldn't be good at this or that, that I'm not organized or disciplined enough, that I need more time to heal, and so on and so on.

Maybe I just need to accept God's sovereignty, as Angela says. Maybe I just need to realize that He wants to work through me. Maybe I need to trust, and not just say that I do. Maybe I need to be more willing to follow where He leads.

He knows my strengths and my weaknesses, my failures and successes. It's not like I need to give Him my resume. I just have to be willing to give of myself. Humbly come before Him and say "Here I am".

God isn't surprised by us....so why are we surprised by Him?