It's about 10 pm on Monday evening, and I am bone tired....the kind of tired where I really need to sleep, my eyes are heavy, and yet, sleep is eluding me just a little while longer.
It's been a rough several days. My friend had her breast surgery today. The lumpectomy went great, however, there was cancer in her sentinal nodes, so they removed those nodes under the right arm. After a few weeks of recovery from the surgery, she will begin rounds of radiation and chemo. I spent most of the day at the hospital with family and friends from 8 am until about 2:30. I had a nice chat with her on the phone this evening from her hospital bed. She was telling ME she wished she could help me do things this week, that she knew I had alot on my plate. What a friend. I told her that her job is to recover and heal. I got the other stuff covered.
I have suffered from insomnia quite a bit as I have entered the menopausal years. Add to that factor, the stress of trying to work on a failing marriage, then realizing that divorce was imminent. Worries about the future, finances, household maintenance, etc have all added to the insomnia. Receiving a diagnosis of A.D.D. and the medication I take for that add to that problem as well. So I seem to walk around in a state of sleep deprivation.
This week I have had my friend heavy on my heart. I've also had a couple of unpleasant surprises thrown my way in the divorce. Things I am dealing with, but unpleasant nonetheless. So, tonight..I am tired. Weary. In need of sleep. If I can turn off my brain, I think I just might be able to rest.
So, I'm about to turn of the computer, pick up a book and unwind. I'm already in pjs and in my comfy bed. I feel as if I could sleep for days...but I think I'll be happy to get 6 or 7 hours.
So good nite to all...I hope everyone has a restful sleep and peaceful dreams.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
The End of the Week
It's Saturday night, and as I sit in my room reading and typing, I am listening to the giggles of two 13 year olds girls in my living room. It's a sound that I love dearly, although when it's past midnight, there are times I have to ask that giggles be held to a whisper. I remember being a teenager and how much fun I had with my girlfriends when they came over. So, the sounds bouncing off my walls tonight are a good sound.
It's been a different sort of week, and a tough week. First and foremost in my heart and on my mind, is one of my dearest and most precious friends in the world. She has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, and an agressive one. In the time span of little more than a week, her life has been turned upside down. I have never felt more inadequate as a friend. But we have talked, cried together AND laughed together this week. There is alot of power in being able to do both...the crying and laughing with someone you love dearly. She goes in for surgery on Monday morning, and then will be going through both radiation and chemo later. I wish she wasn't traveling this road, but here she is. She and her family have a vast network of friends and supporters, and they are being lifted up in prayers from all over. She is handling this with an amazing strength and a wonderfully positive attitude. She has been a hero to me this week, although she wouldn't really like that tag on her. But she's really quite a gal.
DivorceRecovery is going well, although it is difficult. I'm learning alot. And I've had alot of ways this week to practice what I am learning. Let's just say...it hasn't been an easy week. But onward we go, and I'm glad that onward is the direction I am moving.
My small group of bible study gals started back up for the fall. We are studying Galatians. We met on Thursday, had a nice meal of salad, baked potato and a fabulous dessert. The fellowship was wonderful, and I'm looking forward to our weekly time together. I will miss a couple of weeks due to the privilege of watching Lindsey play in the junior high band, but I will gladly miss for that reason. I'm so proud of the accomplishments in both girls.
As I wrap up this week, I find myself tired from all the worry and emotion over my friend and her cancer. And then I remind myself, "if I'm this tired...imagine how SHE must feel, the person actually living through it." I want to be the kind of friend and support to her that she has always been to me....so this is not the time for me to be emotionally tired.
As for the rest of my worries and stresses from this week, I listen again to the giggles coming from the next room. I am so blessed, and the giggles remind me of that.
Tomorrow begins a new week....and onward we all go!
It's been a different sort of week, and a tough week. First and foremost in my heart and on my mind, is one of my dearest and most precious friends in the world. She has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, and an agressive one. In the time span of little more than a week, her life has been turned upside down. I have never felt more inadequate as a friend. But we have talked, cried together AND laughed together this week. There is alot of power in being able to do both...the crying and laughing with someone you love dearly. She goes in for surgery on Monday morning, and then will be going through both radiation and chemo later. I wish she wasn't traveling this road, but here she is. She and her family have a vast network of friends and supporters, and they are being lifted up in prayers from all over. She is handling this with an amazing strength and a wonderfully positive attitude. She has been a hero to me this week, although she wouldn't really like that tag on her. But she's really quite a gal.
DivorceRecovery is going well, although it is difficult. I'm learning alot. And I've had alot of ways this week to practice what I am learning. Let's just say...it hasn't been an easy week. But onward we go, and I'm glad that onward is the direction I am moving.
My small group of bible study gals started back up for the fall. We are studying Galatians. We met on Thursday, had a nice meal of salad, baked potato and a fabulous dessert. The fellowship was wonderful, and I'm looking forward to our weekly time together. I will miss a couple of weeks due to the privilege of watching Lindsey play in the junior high band, but I will gladly miss for that reason. I'm so proud of the accomplishments in both girls.
As I wrap up this week, I find myself tired from all the worry and emotion over my friend and her cancer. And then I remind myself, "if I'm this tired...imagine how SHE must feel, the person actually living through it." I want to be the kind of friend and support to her that she has always been to me....so this is not the time for me to be emotionally tired.
As for the rest of my worries and stresses from this week, I listen again to the giggles coming from the next room. I am so blessed, and the giggles remind me of that.
Tomorrow begins a new week....and onward we all go!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Baby Bro
Today is my little brother's birthday....Jason is the Big 4-0. Out of the 3 of us siblings, he's the youngest.
As you can see from the pictures above, Jason is....ummmm...unique. Hehe. No, the guy is serious about his fun. He enjoys life and he grabs it with gusto. He is smart, fun, full of life and loves his family like crazy. He has a wonderful wife and 3 wonderful boys.
Mom tells us (Terri and I) that we used to stand over his bassinet and sing to him when he was a baby. We felt quite thrilled and very proud to be his big sisters. And I can honestly say, that is still how we feel today....although I don't think we'll stand over his bed and sing. That's just kinda weird.
So...Happy Birthday Jason. May your next 40 be filled with as much love and gusto as your first 40.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Shared Tears and Prayers
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. . . . Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit" (Psalm 147:3, 5).
This morning I have the privilege of praying for different friends' struggles. The privilege part is simply the blessing of being intimate with certain people to the point where they share their innermost fears, struggles, wounds, brokenness with you.
When you have intimacy like this in your relationships, you can shed tears with them as easily as you can laugh with them. Well...maybe it's never easy for some of us to share tears. It's a much more vulnerable reaction to emotion than laughter is. But you let your guard down in these relationships and you know you have the safety and freedom to shed that tear with them.
There are times, like this morning, when I feel so inadequate and helpless over the burdens my friends are facing. But this is when I'm supposed to just let them know I am here, and that I will simply walk with them as they travel a difficult path.
I'm so thankful that the Lord does heal, and that His understanding and power are strong and limitless. For I know when I, or my friends feel weak or inadequate, we have someone to go to. And when I cannot understand, He does.
The refrain of one of my favorite Cece Winans songs goes:
He knows
He cares
He sees
He's there
He'll carry you
He's concerned about you
My hope comes from the Lord....He hears our prayers, and He shares our tears. My friends are in perfect hands.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
A Nice Surprise
As I sit in my favorite spot early on this Sunday morning, I am smiling. It's quiet in the house....the dogs have been let outside, and I'm the only one awake. Both girls are sleeping...yes, BOTH girls.
Linds was at the football game Friday night with some friends, and I was talking on the phone to Casie, my oldest. We were talking about her plans for the night, and she had told me she was planning on just "chilling" at home. We had a nice long talk, and ended our conversation in the usual way "Love you - talk with you soon". Imagine my surprise when she walked through our front door! I thought "chilling at home" meant heading back to her apartment where she lives 2 hours away. My mouth hit the floor and she was grinning widely that she had managed to pull off a surprise over us.
She told me that she came home because she felt I had been through a rough week, and she just wanted to be here. My daughter wanting to encourage and uplift me, the mother. It was one of those moments when you realize that your child has grown into an adult, and a caring adult at that.
I wasn't exactly aware that I had communicated with her that it had been a rough week, but somehow, she read that between the words in our many conversations we have during the course of a week, and she just wanted to come home. It has been a very different kind of week for me. I think when Casie walked through the door Friday night, I realized that we were going to be okay as a family....better than okay, we are going to be good.
One of my greatest fears and worries, is how my daughters are going to fare with our family changing. It's a very valid concern.....the impact that divorce has on children, whether they are minor or adult, is significant to say the least. I hate that my girls are going through this. But when she came home Friday night, simply wanting to support her mother and spend time with her sister, I realized that I am blessed. You see, Casie gets it. I want our family to be one of love, encouragement, acceptance, a mixture of tenderness and grit, sharing with one another, and supporting one another. We can get on one another's nerves, we can argue, we can be selfish at times....we are human and extremely normal. But more than that....we love, accept, support and encourage one another.
Casie and I jumped in my car and we drove to the church where the teenagers were hanging out at the 5th Quarter Club after the football game. I called Linds on her cell and asked her to come out to the car. She wanted to know why of course, and I just said I was coming by to say "hi". Pretty lame in retrospect, but I didn't know what else to say. I could hear her say "okay?" in a confused tone. She and a friend walked out to the car, saw Casie in the passenger seat and the look on her face was priceless when she saw her big sis. She begged Casie to come inside and say hi to her friends. Although tired from a day of class, work, and driving, Casie obliged. I stayed in the car so the sisters could have their moment. And I smiled.....we are good.
We haven't done anything special this weekend. We kept the secret that she was home from their dad until Saturday. He thought Linds was coming over to watch the Razorback game with on Saturday, and opened the door to find them both there. I know his face was just as thrilled and surprised as mine was. It's still hard getting used to sharing their time individually, instead of sharing time as a traditional family....it's not the way it supposed to be. But, it's the way it is for us, and we are coping better each time. While they were gone, I watched the game myself and stayed busy in the kitchen cooking. I baked cookies and made a pot of chicken and dumplings - a meal my girls love. Casie has studied this weekend, Linds and I had to go to a softball event for a little while, and then we just rented a chick flick. As I said, we haven't done anything special. But as I've aged, I learn more and more that it's not "doing" of special things you cherish....it's just the regular ordinary times of being together.
Linds was at the football game Friday night with some friends, and I was talking on the phone to Casie, my oldest. We were talking about her plans for the night, and she had told me she was planning on just "chilling" at home. We had a nice long talk, and ended our conversation in the usual way "Love you - talk with you soon". Imagine my surprise when she walked through our front door! I thought "chilling at home" meant heading back to her apartment where she lives 2 hours away. My mouth hit the floor and she was grinning widely that she had managed to pull off a surprise over us.
She told me that she came home because she felt I had been through a rough week, and she just wanted to be here. My daughter wanting to encourage and uplift me, the mother. It was one of those moments when you realize that your child has grown into an adult, and a caring adult at that.
I wasn't exactly aware that I had communicated with her that it had been a rough week, but somehow, she read that between the words in our many conversations we have during the course of a week, and she just wanted to come home. It has been a very different kind of week for me. I think when Casie walked through the door Friday night, I realized that we were going to be okay as a family....better than okay, we are going to be good.
One of my greatest fears and worries, is how my daughters are going to fare with our family changing. It's a very valid concern.....the impact that divorce has on children, whether they are minor or adult, is significant to say the least. I hate that my girls are going through this. But when she came home Friday night, simply wanting to support her mother and spend time with her sister, I realized that I am blessed. You see, Casie gets it. I want our family to be one of love, encouragement, acceptance, a mixture of tenderness and grit, sharing with one another, and supporting one another. We can get on one another's nerves, we can argue, we can be selfish at times....we are human and extremely normal. But more than that....we love, accept, support and encourage one another.
Casie and I jumped in my car and we drove to the church where the teenagers were hanging out at the 5th Quarter Club after the football game. I called Linds on her cell and asked her to come out to the car. She wanted to know why of course, and I just said I was coming by to say "hi". Pretty lame in retrospect, but I didn't know what else to say. I could hear her say "okay?" in a confused tone. She and a friend walked out to the car, saw Casie in the passenger seat and the look on her face was priceless when she saw her big sis. She begged Casie to come inside and say hi to her friends. Although tired from a day of class, work, and driving, Casie obliged. I stayed in the car so the sisters could have their moment. And I smiled.....we are good.
We haven't done anything special this weekend. We kept the secret that she was home from their dad until Saturday. He thought Linds was coming over to watch the Razorback game with on Saturday, and opened the door to find them both there. I know his face was just as thrilled and surprised as mine was. It's still hard getting used to sharing their time individually, instead of sharing time as a traditional family....it's not the way it supposed to be. But, it's the way it is for us, and we are coping better each time. While they were gone, I watched the game myself and stayed busy in the kitchen cooking. I baked cookies and made a pot of chicken and dumplings - a meal my girls love. Casie has studied this weekend, Linds and I had to go to a softball event for a little while, and then we just rented a chick flick. As I said, we haven't done anything special. But as I've aged, I learn more and more that it's not "doing" of special things you cherish....it's just the regular ordinary times of being together.
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