Halftime in the Arkansas/Auburn game, and we Hog fans are not pleased at the moment. I decided to get online and check some articles and blogs I wanted to read. I came across an article by a young woman named Holly Gerth. She is a write for Dayspring, and a co-founder of (in)courage.
This short article was on how God makes us amazing. And one part that stuck out was:
"You....the one doing your own thing, making your difference, being a glorious mess that God can use."
I smiled. I feel like a mess alot of the time. But I've never put the word "glorious" in front of it. I have wondered how my marriage got in a mess. I've wondered how my life became a mess. I've wondered if my daughters will be a mess because of mine and their father's mistakes. Now that I'm coming out stronger on the other end, I've realized that being a mess isn't necessarily a bad thing. Especially if we don't just stay a mess, but become "a glorious mess that God can use."
Just look at the examples in the Bible.....God has always used people who were a mess. We just have to be open and obedient. He'll take care of the rest.
So for today, I am smiling that I am a glorious mess. And I'm saying "God, please us me. Let me make a difference."
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Understanding
I've been spending alot of time in the Psalms lately, as I tend to do frequently at various times in my life. A verse that has struck me today is "Give me understanding that I may live" Psalm 119:144.
There's alot going on my world that I don't understand right now....within my own life and also within the lives of others around me.
While my trust in others is something that has been shaken, my trust in the Lord just continues to grow...the roots going deeper and the trust becoming more solid. And I have realized over the last three years that there will be many times I will not understand, but will need to continue to trust. And I have become better at that. Not perfect, but better.
But I find myself today praying and thinking on the verse in Psalm 119. I do wish for some understanding on things. And as the second part of the verse says "that I may live"...I think some understanding will help me as I am on this wondrous journey of life.
I do believe the understanding will come. It always has before. But it may not come in the timeframe that I want it to...so again, I will trust. I will trust that God's timing is perfect, and that the understanding will come to me at the exact time that it needs to.
There's alot going on my world that I don't understand right now....within my own life and also within the lives of others around me.
While my trust in others is something that has been shaken, my trust in the Lord just continues to grow...the roots going deeper and the trust becoming more solid. And I have realized over the last three years that there will be many times I will not understand, but will need to continue to trust. And I have become better at that. Not perfect, but better.
But I find myself today praying and thinking on the verse in Psalm 119. I do wish for some understanding on things. And as the second part of the verse says "that I may live"...I think some understanding will help me as I am on this wondrous journey of life.
I do believe the understanding will come. It always has before. But it may not come in the timeframe that I want it to...so again, I will trust. I will trust that God's timing is perfect, and that the understanding will come to me at the exact time that it needs to.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Reflection
It's been almost a week since my last blog post...and although I haven't been writing, I've certainly been living, thinking, feeling, and reflecting.
It's hard to put into words a description of the past week. My precious friend, Vicki, came back to work after her surgery and is now dealing with the reality of life with cancer. She doesn't know how to "be" a woman diagnosed with breast cancer. We (all her friends and family) keep asking her what she needs and what can we do, and she tells me she doesn't know what to say at this point...and I'm getting that. She's still processing all of this herself, and this cancer train pulled out of the station very quickly and it is rolling along. She told me she feels so out of control, and I can only imagine.
As she has dealt with the reality of this new journey, she is coming back to work, she is adapting to new bits of information being thrown at her almost everyday, she is going to doctors, experiencing discomfort, facing the reality of how tough her upcoming battle is. She has started a website on caringbridge.org so that she can journal and people keep up with her. She is dealing with a vast array of emotions as this new reality sets in. She is positive...she is full of courage and hope. We have cried....buckets. We have laughed till our sides hurt. We have hugged and we have been angry. Today she is wig shopping. Her chemo doctor informed her this week that with her type of chemo her hair will fall out rather quickly. I know she is angry on one hand that this is how she is spending her Saturday....on the other hand, she is with her two college aged daughters and her wonderful hubby and they are having fun and making the best of it. They just sent two pics of her modeling wigs to my cellphone...and I laughed. She will choose one close to her original hair, but she is certainly going to have fun trying on some wild and crazy wigs.
As I have reflected this week, I have thought about friends and family. It's really what life is all about. The people we love are what matter. So many of the other things we spend our time and attention don't really matter when it gets right down to it. My thoughts and feelings have been spent this week thinking about those that I love. And realizing that I want to make sure that I always let these people know how special they are to me.
I want to be a better mom, Christian, friend, daughter, sister, and woman. I want to enjoy life and savor those relationships I am blessed with. I want to heal, to recover, to find confidence as a single mom and woman. I want to grow from my own life's journey. I want to help my girls realize that no matter what life throws our way.....be it divorce, tragedy, cancer, changed dreams, financial loss, failures, death of loved ones, illness, or any of the other unexpected curves that life can deal us....that with a strong faith in God, with a group of people who love and support you, and with a strength of character you CAN face it. I want to be a person who will walk with others on their tough journeys and not shy away.
And for now, I want my friend Vicki to know how brave and courageous I think she is. I want her to know that I hurt with her and I am mad with her. I am also hopeful and positive with her. I feel ready to charge into battle with her. She is a beautiful and strong woman, and I am honored to be her friend.
It's hard to put into words a description of the past week. My precious friend, Vicki, came back to work after her surgery and is now dealing with the reality of life with cancer. She doesn't know how to "be" a woman diagnosed with breast cancer. We (all her friends and family) keep asking her what she needs and what can we do, and she tells me she doesn't know what to say at this point...and I'm getting that. She's still processing all of this herself, and this cancer train pulled out of the station very quickly and it is rolling along. She told me she feels so out of control, and I can only imagine.
As she has dealt with the reality of this new journey, she is coming back to work, she is adapting to new bits of information being thrown at her almost everyday, she is going to doctors, experiencing discomfort, facing the reality of how tough her upcoming battle is. She has started a website on caringbridge.org so that she can journal and people keep up with her. She is dealing with a vast array of emotions as this new reality sets in. She is positive...she is full of courage and hope. We have cried....buckets. We have laughed till our sides hurt. We have hugged and we have been angry. Today she is wig shopping. Her chemo doctor informed her this week that with her type of chemo her hair will fall out rather quickly. I know she is angry on one hand that this is how she is spending her Saturday....on the other hand, she is with her two college aged daughters and her wonderful hubby and they are having fun and making the best of it. They just sent two pics of her modeling wigs to my cellphone...and I laughed. She will choose one close to her original hair, but she is certainly going to have fun trying on some wild and crazy wigs.
As I have reflected this week, I have thought about friends and family. It's really what life is all about. The people we love are what matter. So many of the other things we spend our time and attention don't really matter when it gets right down to it. My thoughts and feelings have been spent this week thinking about those that I love. And realizing that I want to make sure that I always let these people know how special they are to me.
I want to be a better mom, Christian, friend, daughter, sister, and woman. I want to enjoy life and savor those relationships I am blessed with. I want to heal, to recover, to find confidence as a single mom and woman. I want to grow from my own life's journey. I want to help my girls realize that no matter what life throws our way.....be it divorce, tragedy, cancer, changed dreams, financial loss, failures, death of loved ones, illness, or any of the other unexpected curves that life can deal us....that with a strong faith in God, with a group of people who love and support you, and with a strength of character you CAN face it. I want to be a person who will walk with others on their tough journeys and not shy away.
And for now, I want my friend Vicki to know how brave and courageous I think she is. I want her to know that I hurt with her and I am mad with her. I am also hopeful and positive with her. I feel ready to charge into battle with her. She is a beautiful and strong woman, and I am honored to be her friend.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Comfort
I've been thinking lately about comfort....what brings comfort to others, what brings comfort to myself. Going through the divorce process, I have lost alot of the comfort I once had. I'm having to redefine what brings me comfort now. Somethings I found comforting stayed the same, some have not. So, this is a topic I think about alot lately.
When I think of comfort....I usually think of a variety of different things. Comfort foods, comfort items, comfort in family or friendships, books, my Bible...
Some comfort foods that I enjoy are chicken and dumplings (they remind me of my beloved great-grandmother who made them often and I think each of us in the family thought she was making them for us individually), homemade soups bubbling in my kitchen, or banana or pumpkin bread baking in my oven.
Smells often bring back nostalgic feelings and comfort: I can smell paints and art supplies and think of my Dad who majored in commercial art. When I was little, I loved smelling his art box...the paints, chalks, and all of that. The smell of doublemint gum...that's my mom. I would open her purse when I was a little girl, and that's what I would smell. It's comforting to me. A turkey roasting in the oven reminds me of one grandmother, the smell of oatmeal cookies reminds me of another, chicken and dumplings reminds me of my great grandmother mentioned above.
When I want to escape to a comfort spot at home, I usually find a chair that is my favorite. I love reading, so I find comfort in being surrounded by books. I love little lap blankets or afghans...snuggling brings me comfort. For a very long time after separation, my bedroom was a reminder of loneliness and pain for me. After redoing it in the spring, and after spending alot of time grieving and praying in here, it has become a place of comfort for me now. It's my "retreat". A place where I find solace and hope.
When I am outdoors, my hammock is a place of comfort for me. It's another retreat in my little world where I can escape for reading, prayer, a nap, or sometimes a conversation with someone sitting close by or on the phone. Just being outside listening to the birds and looking up at the sky is peaceful and comforting to me.
I have relationships that are comforting ones. The people in life who are good listeners, but who also feel free enough to share with you as well. There's something about the friendships where the opening up is a two way street, that leads to comfort for me. Maybe it's because the pretenses and walls have been let down, and we've dared to be vulnerable, and after doing so, found that we are still loved after all. There's comfort in the safety of a trusted friend.
I find comfort in my daughters....which may sound odd at first. It's usually the role of parents to comfort children, not the other way around. Maybe the comfort with my girls simply comes from knowing I am the comforter. Maybe that's a role I treasure more than I ever realized. As the years have gone by though, I find that they offer comfort also. There's nothing sweeter than the handpicked bouquet of flowers or weeds brought by a young child. Or having a book brought to you and a little one climbing in your lap, and snuggling in for a story ready by "Mommy". Oh how I miss those precious days! But now, I find comfort in our mother/daughter roles to be different for sure, but still just as precious. I am comforted when they come to me for encouragement, or have reached out to encourage me themselves. I am comforted when I get that unexpected hug for no reason at all....the power of the physical touch is often underestimated, but needed by us all.
My parents are a huge comfort to me. Our home growing up was always a home where we knew family was important. We talk frequently on the phone and although we don't see each other as much as I wish we could, our visits are precious and special. There's a comfort when I walk through their door on my visits back home. No matter what struggles I am facing, I am able to escape for a few days and just enjoy being with them.
I lost the comfort of a spouse....the comfort of my best friend, confidante, teammate, soulmate. Although we are co-parenting, it's not the same...so I feel as if I've lost my co-parent as well. I lost a certain level of comfort financially, I lost the comfort of my lifelong dream of being married to someone for a lifetime, I lost the comfort of family as I knew it.
This leads me to my greatest comfort....the comfort I find in my Savior. My Bible has been worn out over the last 3 years, especially the book of Psalms. My prayer life has never been more honest, intimate or more of a comfort. The arms of my Savior are the most comforting to me of all. He sees the good, the bad and the ugly.....and He longs to make it beautiful. I find comfort in the hope that my faith brings to me.
What brings you comfort? I guarantee when you think about it, you can't help but smile.
When I think of comfort....I usually think of a variety of different things. Comfort foods, comfort items, comfort in family or friendships, books, my Bible...
Some comfort foods that I enjoy are chicken and dumplings (they remind me of my beloved great-grandmother who made them often and I think each of us in the family thought she was making them for us individually), homemade soups bubbling in my kitchen, or banana or pumpkin bread baking in my oven.
Smells often bring back nostalgic feelings and comfort: I can smell paints and art supplies and think of my Dad who majored in commercial art. When I was little, I loved smelling his art box...the paints, chalks, and all of that. The smell of doublemint gum...that's my mom. I would open her purse when I was a little girl, and that's what I would smell. It's comforting to me. A turkey roasting in the oven reminds me of one grandmother, the smell of oatmeal cookies reminds me of another, chicken and dumplings reminds me of my great grandmother mentioned above.
When I want to escape to a comfort spot at home, I usually find a chair that is my favorite. I love reading, so I find comfort in being surrounded by books. I love little lap blankets or afghans...snuggling brings me comfort. For a very long time after separation, my bedroom was a reminder of loneliness and pain for me. After redoing it in the spring, and after spending alot of time grieving and praying in here, it has become a place of comfort for me now. It's my "retreat". A place where I find solace and hope.
When I am outdoors, my hammock is a place of comfort for me. It's another retreat in my little world where I can escape for reading, prayer, a nap, or sometimes a conversation with someone sitting close by or on the phone. Just being outside listening to the birds and looking up at the sky is peaceful and comforting to me.
I have relationships that are comforting ones. The people in life who are good listeners, but who also feel free enough to share with you as well. There's something about the friendships where the opening up is a two way street, that leads to comfort for me. Maybe it's because the pretenses and walls have been let down, and we've dared to be vulnerable, and after doing so, found that we are still loved after all. There's comfort in the safety of a trusted friend.
I find comfort in my daughters....which may sound odd at first. It's usually the role of parents to comfort children, not the other way around. Maybe the comfort with my girls simply comes from knowing I am the comforter. Maybe that's a role I treasure more than I ever realized. As the years have gone by though, I find that they offer comfort also. There's nothing sweeter than the handpicked bouquet of flowers or weeds brought by a young child. Or having a book brought to you and a little one climbing in your lap, and snuggling in for a story ready by "Mommy". Oh how I miss those precious days! But now, I find comfort in our mother/daughter roles to be different for sure, but still just as precious. I am comforted when they come to me for encouragement, or have reached out to encourage me themselves. I am comforted when I get that unexpected hug for no reason at all....the power of the physical touch is often underestimated, but needed by us all.
My parents are a huge comfort to me. Our home growing up was always a home where we knew family was important. We talk frequently on the phone and although we don't see each other as much as I wish we could, our visits are precious and special. There's a comfort when I walk through their door on my visits back home. No matter what struggles I am facing, I am able to escape for a few days and just enjoy being with them.
I lost the comfort of a spouse....the comfort of my best friend, confidante, teammate, soulmate. Although we are co-parenting, it's not the same...so I feel as if I've lost my co-parent as well. I lost a certain level of comfort financially, I lost the comfort of my lifelong dream of being married to someone for a lifetime, I lost the comfort of family as I knew it.
This leads me to my greatest comfort....the comfort I find in my Savior. My Bible has been worn out over the last 3 years, especially the book of Psalms. My prayer life has never been more honest, intimate or more of a comfort. The arms of my Savior are the most comforting to me of all. He sees the good, the bad and the ugly.....and He longs to make it beautiful. I find comfort in the hope that my faith brings to me.
What brings you comfort? I guarantee when you think about it, you can't help but smile.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Too Short, But Very Sweet
Last night was a treat for Lindsey and I. My parents came into town (we live 8 hours away from each other). They are in the Natural State for Daddy's 50th high school reunion. They left the Dallas area yesterday, stopped in Arkadelphia, AR for lunch with my nephew, their grandson. He is a soph at OBU there. Next stop an hour later was at my sister's house in Little Rock. She loaded them with 3 bags of beautiful clothes after cleaning out her closet and sending my way. What a blessing!!! She and I are both losing weight but began with different starting points, these were clothes that are recently too big for her. I'm now at that size after some weight loss, and being on such a tight budget, it has felt like Christmas to me. (What a strange twist....I'm sure she had to wear tons of hand-me-downs when we were growing up since I am the older of us). My closet and my heart are both full!
Daddy and Mother arrived about the time I was picking up Linds from band practice. They brought with them a chair from one of the guest rooms that is now taking up residence in my bedroom....in front of a window, between my bookshelves and my nightstand....a wonderful spot for me to read and to blog. Again, a blessing! We visited awhile, went to dinner, then stopped by my friend, Vicki's house to visit her. She is my friend bravely fighting breast cancer right now. Mom and Dad had brought her a delicious pie (one for Linds and I as well) from a dear friend of ours back home who makes the most wonderful pies that melt in your mouth. Vicki is looking wonderful and our visit was one of great conversation and laughter. After leaving Vicki's, we came back home to continue our visit. Mom, Lindsey and I opened the bags of clothes with delight and I tried them all on. We cut into the cherry pie and indulged in pie and coffee before they left for their hotel. They are heading out this morning to go back across the state to where other relatives live for more visiting and the reunion. They will be able to see Casie, my oldest on Sunday as well as my sister and her family again as they celebrate my niece's birthday. As I said, they are on a whirlwind trip until Monday.
Our time together is always precious....never long enough. We talk, laugh, share...just simply enjoy being together. I wish the distance between our homes wasn't so far, but it does make our time together all the more special. After dropping Lindsey off at school today, I'm going to head over to the hotel for a cup of coffee with them.
What blessings I have had this week....a visit from my folks, a closet full of beautiful clothes, and a comfy chair for my bedroom.
Daddy and Mother arrived about the time I was picking up Linds from band practice. They brought with them a chair from one of the guest rooms that is now taking up residence in my bedroom....in front of a window, between my bookshelves and my nightstand....a wonderful spot for me to read and to blog. Again, a blessing! We visited awhile, went to dinner, then stopped by my friend, Vicki's house to visit her. She is my friend bravely fighting breast cancer right now. Mom and Dad had brought her a delicious pie (one for Linds and I as well) from a dear friend of ours back home who makes the most wonderful pies that melt in your mouth. Vicki is looking wonderful and our visit was one of great conversation and laughter. After leaving Vicki's, we came back home to continue our visit. Mom, Lindsey and I opened the bags of clothes with delight and I tried them all on. We cut into the cherry pie and indulged in pie and coffee before they left for their hotel. They are heading out this morning to go back across the state to where other relatives live for more visiting and the reunion. They will be able to see Casie, my oldest on Sunday as well as my sister and her family again as they celebrate my niece's birthday. As I said, they are on a whirlwind trip until Monday.
Our time together is always precious....never long enough. We talk, laugh, share...just simply enjoy being together. I wish the distance between our homes wasn't so far, but it does make our time together all the more special. After dropping Lindsey off at school today, I'm going to head over to the hotel for a cup of coffee with them.
What blessings I have had this week....a visit from my folks, a closet full of beautiful clothes, and a comfy chair for my bedroom.
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