I've sat down at the laptop almost everyday this week, trying to find the words to write. I had a major event happen in my life this week, but the words just haven't been coming out in a coherent way. I've had so many different emotions and thoughts that my mind seems to be in a jumble when it comes to expressing myself.
This week my divorce wrapped up....I went to court, and it is all final. A very surreal feeling....the ending of 23 years of my life as I knew it, well, 25 years if you count our courtship. There is sadness, but there is an overwhelming feeling of peace. My life has been in turmoil for such a long time, and I prayed for peace the day I was going into court, and God answered my prayers. My best friend was my witness, and another dear friend of mine came for moral support. The court proceeding was very quick, as ours was an uncontested divorce. My spouse and his attorney did not even have to be present. I was actually grateful for that. I felt stronger without him there. I had a tough day emotionally the day before court...just knowing it was all ending was very hard. I reached out to my inner circle of family and friends, and was received with overwhelming support and encouragement, and alot of prayer.
For those who know me well, you know I am opposed to divorce in most situations and did everything I knew to do to work on the marriage, but it was not meant to be. Two people have to want to be willing to stay together and work on the relationship. When one spouse has made up their mind it is over, there is very little that can be done at that point. I am not blaming my spouse, I am simply stating the facts at this point. So, I came to the legal ending of a marriage that had already ended quite awhile ago. I grieve that, but more than anything, I am full of hope for my future, and for the beginning of a new chapter in my life.
There has been alot of pain, alot of chaos, and now...for me, there is peace. Still alot of healing to be done, still some grieving to go through. But what a blessing to feel a sense of peace! My prayers for my daughters are that they will continue to have the healing that God provides when we are so deeply wounded. They amaze me, and they have been strong in their faith. We continue to grow closer, and for that, I am so thankful. I have spent a wonderful lazy, rainy Sunday with both of them...we have talked, shared, napped, and laughed together today. We have had LOTS of laughter. I look at both of them with such mixed feelings...so sad that their pain has been caused by the ending of mine and their father's marriage, but so grateful on one hand that my girls have learned that life can be very painful, messy and at the least, is not perfect. They have taken a hit emotionally, and they are still standing. They are learning the same thing I am learning...that life is full of endings, but also beginnings. Life goes on...and it will be sweet and wonderful, full of laughter. Mixed into that will be pain, tough times, illness, and many hurdles to face and overcome. But that is what makes life so rich....it is a tapestry woven out of ALL of our experiences and relationships.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
The Bottom is Solid
Yesterday's worship service was very emotional for me, as well as several of my dearest friends. One friend, very dear to my heart, was preaching and another was singing a solo. These two fellows go way back in ministry together...having been on staff as pastor and music minister in more than one church. They and their wives also happen to be some of my dearest friends in the world.
Barry sang a solo, "Praise the Lord". It's a song he does very well...and he has done many times. His voice was soaring, when he got to a verse that talked about life's storms, and his voice cracked with emotion. I was sitting with my daughter, Casie, on the 2nd pew, and looked at my precious friend, Vicki, in the choir loft. She is Barry's wife, and she is dealing with her newly diagnosed breast cancer. My tears were already flowing, and I saw hers as well. This was a small congregation, and one that is very close, and there were many tears as Barry struggled with his emotion, and then finished the song, once again soaring. Mark got up to preach, and his topic was "The Bottoms in Life". So relevant, as we all hit bottoms. One thing he said was that he and Vicki had been talking the day before and she had said "the bottom is solid". I nodded my head in agreement.
I've been to the bottom very recently, with the dissolvement of my family. My prayers and dreams for reconciliation were not to be, and I am now healing, rediscovering and redefining. I have and continue to go through all the vast array of emotions as I recover...denial, disappointment, woundedness, anger, disillusionment, grief, joy and healing. As a believer in Christ, I can honestly say that when I hit the bottom, yes, it was solid. God was right there to catch me. I thought about my precious friend, Vicki. She is at a HUGE bottom in her life. Cancer...what a scary diagnosis to receive. I can't even imagine how I would be feeling. A lump in her breast, that spread to her lymph nodes. She has had 3 surgical procedures in two weeks...a lumpectomy, lymph nodes removed in one arm, and a port installation for her upcoming chemo. Today she is getting a full body pet scan to see if the cancer has spread anywhere else. She has an "army" of people praying for negative results today. Her life has been turned upside down in the last 4 weeks, and will be for quite some time. And yet, SHE is the one who said "the bottom is solid". Mark, our dear friend who preached, whom I have known since college and have been honored to be pastored by and friends with, hit a bottom eleven years ago this month, with the acknowledgment of his battle with alcoholism. He now speaks at AA meetings and his wife, my friend Janie, speaks at Al-Anon. They minister to addicts all the time. But eleven years ago, he had disappointed himself, family, friends, and his church congregation. He lost his job and spent 90 days in rehab. He is an example of someone who not only hit the bottom, but who found it solid. And with God's help and alot of hard work, he is no longer on the bottom, but soars through life, still ministering and still helping others. A friend sitting behind me has hit bottom with a past divorce, suicide of her ex spouse, drug addiction in her family, and a recent death of someone close to her.
I thought of how blessed we all are. We are so loved by a gracious and merciful God, who catches us at the bottom. The chords of friendship among each other have held us together through all kinds of bottoms....and the chords have grown stronger with each pit we have climbed out of. We're smart enough to know that we can't climb out of the pit for one another, but we can lean over and give each other a hand. We're even the kind of friends that will get down in the pit WITH each other, if that's what it takes. Not hitting rock bottom together, but getting down there to help the one who's hit the bottom, and to offer the acceptance, love, support and encouragement needed.
I can't imagine going through life's bottoms without a close walk with God, and I can't imagine going through life's bottoms without close encouraging friends at your side.
I thought of my girls, one a young woman in her twenties, and one a young teenage woman. They've already had a tougher time than I would have wanted for them at a young age. And as much as my maternal instincts want to protect them from the rock bottoms in life, very few of us get through life without hitting a bottom of some sort. My prayer for them is that they will believe that God will be at the bottom when they hit, and that they will recognize Him when they are there.
Another point that Mark made, (he had four - but I'll only address this one) is that the best way to get out of the pit when you hit bottom is to begin and continue with a spirit of gratitude. If all you can say at that point is "Thank you God for being here", or "thank you that I'm alive"...that is enough. Whatever you find, it IS enough. The crazy and wonderful thing about gratitude, is that once you start it, your eyes will open more and more to blessings around you. You will begin to see things differently, and in a positive way. I know that God has done His most amazing work in me when I've been at the bottom. I certainly don't like it there, but I can honestly say, that the bottom can be the beginning of something amazing.
Barry sang a solo, "Praise the Lord". It's a song he does very well...and he has done many times. His voice was soaring, when he got to a verse that talked about life's storms, and his voice cracked with emotion. I was sitting with my daughter, Casie, on the 2nd pew, and looked at my precious friend, Vicki, in the choir loft. She is Barry's wife, and she is dealing with her newly diagnosed breast cancer. My tears were already flowing, and I saw hers as well. This was a small congregation, and one that is very close, and there were many tears as Barry struggled with his emotion, and then finished the song, once again soaring. Mark got up to preach, and his topic was "The Bottoms in Life". So relevant, as we all hit bottoms. One thing he said was that he and Vicki had been talking the day before and she had said "the bottom is solid". I nodded my head in agreement.
I've been to the bottom very recently, with the dissolvement of my family. My prayers and dreams for reconciliation were not to be, and I am now healing, rediscovering and redefining. I have and continue to go through all the vast array of emotions as I recover...denial, disappointment, woundedness, anger, disillusionment, grief, joy and healing. As a believer in Christ, I can honestly say that when I hit the bottom, yes, it was solid. God was right there to catch me. I thought about my precious friend, Vicki. She is at a HUGE bottom in her life. Cancer...what a scary diagnosis to receive. I can't even imagine how I would be feeling. A lump in her breast, that spread to her lymph nodes. She has had 3 surgical procedures in two weeks...a lumpectomy, lymph nodes removed in one arm, and a port installation for her upcoming chemo. Today she is getting a full body pet scan to see if the cancer has spread anywhere else. She has an "army" of people praying for negative results today. Her life has been turned upside down in the last 4 weeks, and will be for quite some time. And yet, SHE is the one who said "the bottom is solid". Mark, our dear friend who preached, whom I have known since college and have been honored to be pastored by and friends with, hit a bottom eleven years ago this month, with the acknowledgment of his battle with alcoholism. He now speaks at AA meetings and his wife, my friend Janie, speaks at Al-Anon. They minister to addicts all the time. But eleven years ago, he had disappointed himself, family, friends, and his church congregation. He lost his job and spent 90 days in rehab. He is an example of someone who not only hit the bottom, but who found it solid. And with God's help and alot of hard work, he is no longer on the bottom, but soars through life, still ministering and still helping others. A friend sitting behind me has hit bottom with a past divorce, suicide of her ex spouse, drug addiction in her family, and a recent death of someone close to her.
I thought of how blessed we all are. We are so loved by a gracious and merciful God, who catches us at the bottom. The chords of friendship among each other have held us together through all kinds of bottoms....and the chords have grown stronger with each pit we have climbed out of. We're smart enough to know that we can't climb out of the pit for one another, but we can lean over and give each other a hand. We're even the kind of friends that will get down in the pit WITH each other, if that's what it takes. Not hitting rock bottom together, but getting down there to help the one who's hit the bottom, and to offer the acceptance, love, support and encouragement needed.
I can't imagine going through life's bottoms without a close walk with God, and I can't imagine going through life's bottoms without close encouraging friends at your side.
I thought of my girls, one a young woman in her twenties, and one a young teenage woman. They've already had a tougher time than I would have wanted for them at a young age. And as much as my maternal instincts want to protect them from the rock bottoms in life, very few of us get through life without hitting a bottom of some sort. My prayer for them is that they will believe that God will be at the bottom when they hit, and that they will recognize Him when they are there.
Another point that Mark made, (he had four - but I'll only address this one) is that the best way to get out of the pit when you hit bottom is to begin and continue with a spirit of gratitude. If all you can say at that point is "Thank you God for being here", or "thank you that I'm alive"...that is enough. Whatever you find, it IS enough. The crazy and wonderful thing about gratitude, is that once you start it, your eyes will open more and more to blessings around you. You will begin to see things differently, and in a positive way. I know that God has done His most amazing work in me when I've been at the bottom. I certainly don't like it there, but I can honestly say, that the bottom can be the beginning of something amazing.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Glorious Mess
Halftime in the Arkansas/Auburn game, and we Hog fans are not pleased at the moment. I decided to get online and check some articles and blogs I wanted to read. I came across an article by a young woman named Holly Gerth. She is a write for Dayspring, and a co-founder of (in)courage.
This short article was on how God makes us amazing. And one part that stuck out was:
"You....the one doing your own thing, making your difference, being a glorious mess that God can use."
I smiled. I feel like a mess alot of the time. But I've never put the word "glorious" in front of it. I have wondered how my marriage got in a mess. I've wondered how my life became a mess. I've wondered if my daughters will be a mess because of mine and their father's mistakes. Now that I'm coming out stronger on the other end, I've realized that being a mess isn't necessarily a bad thing. Especially if we don't just stay a mess, but become "a glorious mess that God can use."
Just look at the examples in the Bible.....God has always used people who were a mess. We just have to be open and obedient. He'll take care of the rest.
So for today, I am smiling that I am a glorious mess. And I'm saying "God, please us me. Let me make a difference."
This short article was on how God makes us amazing. And one part that stuck out was:
"You....the one doing your own thing, making your difference, being a glorious mess that God can use."
I smiled. I feel like a mess alot of the time. But I've never put the word "glorious" in front of it. I have wondered how my marriage got in a mess. I've wondered how my life became a mess. I've wondered if my daughters will be a mess because of mine and their father's mistakes. Now that I'm coming out stronger on the other end, I've realized that being a mess isn't necessarily a bad thing. Especially if we don't just stay a mess, but become "a glorious mess that God can use."
Just look at the examples in the Bible.....God has always used people who were a mess. We just have to be open and obedient. He'll take care of the rest.
So for today, I am smiling that I am a glorious mess. And I'm saying "God, please us me. Let me make a difference."
Monday, October 11, 2010
Understanding
I've been spending alot of time in the Psalms lately, as I tend to do frequently at various times in my life. A verse that has struck me today is "Give me understanding that I may live" Psalm 119:144.
There's alot going on my world that I don't understand right now....within my own life and also within the lives of others around me.
While my trust in others is something that has been shaken, my trust in the Lord just continues to grow...the roots going deeper and the trust becoming more solid. And I have realized over the last three years that there will be many times I will not understand, but will need to continue to trust. And I have become better at that. Not perfect, but better.
But I find myself today praying and thinking on the verse in Psalm 119. I do wish for some understanding on things. And as the second part of the verse says "that I may live"...I think some understanding will help me as I am on this wondrous journey of life.
I do believe the understanding will come. It always has before. But it may not come in the timeframe that I want it to...so again, I will trust. I will trust that God's timing is perfect, and that the understanding will come to me at the exact time that it needs to.
There's alot going on my world that I don't understand right now....within my own life and also within the lives of others around me.
While my trust in others is something that has been shaken, my trust in the Lord just continues to grow...the roots going deeper and the trust becoming more solid. And I have realized over the last three years that there will be many times I will not understand, but will need to continue to trust. And I have become better at that. Not perfect, but better.
But I find myself today praying and thinking on the verse in Psalm 119. I do wish for some understanding on things. And as the second part of the verse says "that I may live"...I think some understanding will help me as I am on this wondrous journey of life.
I do believe the understanding will come. It always has before. But it may not come in the timeframe that I want it to...so again, I will trust. I will trust that God's timing is perfect, and that the understanding will come to me at the exact time that it needs to.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Reflection
It's been almost a week since my last blog post...and although I haven't been writing, I've certainly been living, thinking, feeling, and reflecting.
It's hard to put into words a description of the past week. My precious friend, Vicki, came back to work after her surgery and is now dealing with the reality of life with cancer. She doesn't know how to "be" a woman diagnosed with breast cancer. We (all her friends and family) keep asking her what she needs and what can we do, and she tells me she doesn't know what to say at this point...and I'm getting that. She's still processing all of this herself, and this cancer train pulled out of the station very quickly and it is rolling along. She told me she feels so out of control, and I can only imagine.
As she has dealt with the reality of this new journey, she is coming back to work, she is adapting to new bits of information being thrown at her almost everyday, she is going to doctors, experiencing discomfort, facing the reality of how tough her upcoming battle is. She has started a website on caringbridge.org so that she can journal and people keep up with her. She is dealing with a vast array of emotions as this new reality sets in. She is positive...she is full of courage and hope. We have cried....buckets. We have laughed till our sides hurt. We have hugged and we have been angry. Today she is wig shopping. Her chemo doctor informed her this week that with her type of chemo her hair will fall out rather quickly. I know she is angry on one hand that this is how she is spending her Saturday....on the other hand, she is with her two college aged daughters and her wonderful hubby and they are having fun and making the best of it. They just sent two pics of her modeling wigs to my cellphone...and I laughed. She will choose one close to her original hair, but she is certainly going to have fun trying on some wild and crazy wigs.
As I have reflected this week, I have thought about friends and family. It's really what life is all about. The people we love are what matter. So many of the other things we spend our time and attention don't really matter when it gets right down to it. My thoughts and feelings have been spent this week thinking about those that I love. And realizing that I want to make sure that I always let these people know how special they are to me.
I want to be a better mom, Christian, friend, daughter, sister, and woman. I want to enjoy life and savor those relationships I am blessed with. I want to heal, to recover, to find confidence as a single mom and woman. I want to grow from my own life's journey. I want to help my girls realize that no matter what life throws our way.....be it divorce, tragedy, cancer, changed dreams, financial loss, failures, death of loved ones, illness, or any of the other unexpected curves that life can deal us....that with a strong faith in God, with a group of people who love and support you, and with a strength of character you CAN face it. I want to be a person who will walk with others on their tough journeys and not shy away.
And for now, I want my friend Vicki to know how brave and courageous I think she is. I want her to know that I hurt with her and I am mad with her. I am also hopeful and positive with her. I feel ready to charge into battle with her. She is a beautiful and strong woman, and I am honored to be her friend.
It's hard to put into words a description of the past week. My precious friend, Vicki, came back to work after her surgery and is now dealing with the reality of life with cancer. She doesn't know how to "be" a woman diagnosed with breast cancer. We (all her friends and family) keep asking her what she needs and what can we do, and she tells me she doesn't know what to say at this point...and I'm getting that. She's still processing all of this herself, and this cancer train pulled out of the station very quickly and it is rolling along. She told me she feels so out of control, and I can only imagine.
As she has dealt with the reality of this new journey, she is coming back to work, she is adapting to new bits of information being thrown at her almost everyday, she is going to doctors, experiencing discomfort, facing the reality of how tough her upcoming battle is. She has started a website on caringbridge.org so that she can journal and people keep up with her. She is dealing with a vast array of emotions as this new reality sets in. She is positive...she is full of courage and hope. We have cried....buckets. We have laughed till our sides hurt. We have hugged and we have been angry. Today she is wig shopping. Her chemo doctor informed her this week that with her type of chemo her hair will fall out rather quickly. I know she is angry on one hand that this is how she is spending her Saturday....on the other hand, she is with her two college aged daughters and her wonderful hubby and they are having fun and making the best of it. They just sent two pics of her modeling wigs to my cellphone...and I laughed. She will choose one close to her original hair, but she is certainly going to have fun trying on some wild and crazy wigs.
As I have reflected this week, I have thought about friends and family. It's really what life is all about. The people we love are what matter. So many of the other things we spend our time and attention don't really matter when it gets right down to it. My thoughts and feelings have been spent this week thinking about those that I love. And realizing that I want to make sure that I always let these people know how special they are to me.
I want to be a better mom, Christian, friend, daughter, sister, and woman. I want to enjoy life and savor those relationships I am blessed with. I want to heal, to recover, to find confidence as a single mom and woman. I want to grow from my own life's journey. I want to help my girls realize that no matter what life throws our way.....be it divorce, tragedy, cancer, changed dreams, financial loss, failures, death of loved ones, illness, or any of the other unexpected curves that life can deal us....that with a strong faith in God, with a group of people who love and support you, and with a strength of character you CAN face it. I want to be a person who will walk with others on their tough journeys and not shy away.
And for now, I want my friend Vicki to know how brave and courageous I think she is. I want her to know that I hurt with her and I am mad with her. I am also hopeful and positive with her. I feel ready to charge into battle with her. She is a beautiful and strong woman, and I am honored to be her friend.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)