Friday, May 6, 2011

Grand Ladies




It’s only a couple of days from Mother’s Day, and I’ve been doing alot of reflecting on the women in my life. I plan on writing more about this and my own mother in the next day or so.



Today I want to take a minute to honor the “grand” ladies in my life. I came into the world with a “Ma” (one great great grandmother), a “Momo” (great grandmother), a “Mama May” (another great grandmother), a “Mimi” (grandmother) and a “Gran’mom (grandmother). Was I doted on by a small army of women??? You bet!

I never really knew “Ma”, she passed away before I got the chance. My Mama May, Momo, and Mimi all lived in the small town of Atkins. My Gran’mom lived in Russellville and then Little Rock. My feisty Gran’mom lives in my hometown of Grand Prairie, Texas now…just a few minutes from Mom and Dad. Sadly, all the others have passed. Fortunately for me, I am blessed with a treasure chest of memories, feminine strength and grit, and lots of love.

We all have stories of the people who have touched us. Just like yours, mine are stories filled with both tragedy and joy, failures and successes, strengths and weaknesses, solemnity and humor, and I am blessed to say “a whole lotta love”.

I’ve had times in life where I’ve had to be strong and “pull myself up by the bootstraps” so to speak. I totally give God the credit for any strength I have had when I didn’t think I could go on; but God has also used the legacy of women in my life to remind me of the strength I come from. Between them, they are women who survived illnesses, the Great Depression, and World Wars. These are women who survived the death of a child, which no one should have to do; who struggled to feed their families, but did; who survived job losses and crop losses; who survived raising a family while their husband was overseas fighting in a war. These are women whose hands have picked cotton, planted gardens, crocheted slippers for about a hundred great grandchildren, who have quilted, who have nursed the sick for generations, who have sewn, who have crafted, who have made homemade pie crusts and biscuits, who have run a business, worked in a factory, driven across country, milked cows, given many spanking and even more hugs, who have turned the pages of treasured books and their well worn Bibles.

These are also the women who while being incredibly strong, have given me some of the most tender moments….dipping orange sherbet into a bowl on a hot summer’s day, making my favorite meal of chicken and dumplins when I came for a visit, playing with me and reading to me when I was little, letting me “sit in” on a quilting bee when I was young (and with my very own quilting square), clapping whenever I sang ANY song at all (and no matter how off key that might be), listening to me talk about boys, teaching me to shell purple hull peas, making my favorite oatmeal cookies, driving from Arkansas to Texas to see me in ballgames, concerts, recitals or plays.

I wish I could share all the stories that are so precious and dear, but time and space do not allow. But a tiny peek into their worlds….two of these matriarchs would go fishing together and impress their families with their “catch”. The funny part is, they would secretly stop by a fish market after a day of not even having a nibble on their poles and bring home their fish….presented, I’m sure, with a twinkle in their mischievous eyes. One had an elderly man come visit her in the hospital during her final days to pay his respects, because as a young boy he stopped by the store she ran, and she would give him a Baby Ruth candy bar each day, knowing he had no money. Her kindness was emblazoned in his memory. Another, drove twin infant boys from Florida to New Jersey in the hot summer of 1942, while her husband was away in a war. She had a clothes line stretched across the inside of the car where she would hang the cloth diapers to dry, and she stopped at a farm once to milk a cow and pasteurized the milk herself to feed to her boys when she ran out of milk on the way.

These are the women who taught my parents how to love and parent, who in turn taught me to love and parent. I am grateful and I am blessed.






Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Water, Worry, Weariness and Wisdom



Well, April has come and gone and I didn't write one word on my blog.  There isn't one particular reason as to my absence...there are actually a few reasons.

Every now and then, I wonder if my blog is a tad self-indulgent.  I started writing as both a creative release and a form of emotional therapy.  Since I write for myself, every now and then I worry that I might be boring anyone who reads.  I eventually get over it, and realize that yes, it may be self-indulgent, but it is good for me.  Good for my soul and good for clearing out the cobwebs in my head.

Although I haven't written, alot has gone on, and I've  been caught up in the normal routine and chaos of life...and in all honesty, sometimes I am just too tired at the end of a day to reflect much.  April was a busy month....I had a wonderful birthday celebration, a family reunion, and the celebration of Easter.  I've been able to spend some wonderful time with family (even if too short).  We've had some scary weather here this month, and now everyone in my area is worried about the rising levels of the Mississippi.  Many towns and highways are flooded in our state and surrounding states.  Not a day goes by without the conversation being dominated by talk of the rising waters of the Mississippi, other local rivers and the levee that protects our town.

I've found myself struggling with both worry and weariness the past few weeks.  While I am redefining and rediscovering myself at this stage in life as I adapt to being a single mom and a single woman, I also find that I am just sometimes worn out.  Physically, emotionally and mentally...I have just been tired. I miss not having another person to share worries with, to help ease the load, to bounce ideas, thoughts and feelings of off.  I don't mean to whine...it's just where I am at on some days.

However, God seems to give me a second wind just when I really need it.  Our stormy weather has turned to sunshine the last couple of days, and we are forecasted to have a few more days like this.  My daughters, always so thoughtful and so giving of themselves, made me feel like a million bucks on my birthday.  Then on Easter morning, right next to their Easter baskets, was a beautiful and thoughtful basket made for me.  We have had some wonderful mother/daughter time this past month which has been rich with love, warmth and laughter.  We cherish one another...and THAT is what puts a song in my heart and energy back in my steps when I am feeling worn down.  My wonderful Circle of Friends, the amazing small group of women I am blessed to be friends and Bible study partners with, are meeting tomorrow for dinner and study, and that always perks me up.

Sitting in my email inbox this morning were these words...."When it looks like you're at a dead-end...keep on gong.  It just might be a hallway with a corner."  What a wonderful pearl of wisdom for my soul this morning.  My worries often leave me feeling like I am at a dead-end.  When I can't see the next step in front of me right away, I struggle with feelings of defeat. I need to be reminded sometimes (often) that God always has a plan, and His ways are not my ways, and His timing is always perfect...even when I wish it were sooner  (or immediate).  This verse was also in my inbox next to my little nugget of wisdom:

           "No eye has seen, no ear has heard,
            no mind has conceived what God
            has prepared for those who love Him." 1 Corinthians 2:9

I'm not sure what God has planned for me next, but I know it's going to be good!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

New Growth


I'm trying something new this spring that I've never really tried before....I'm starting plants from seeds I have purchased and I've planted them in peat pots and have them on trays on the kitchen table for now.  I've sowed seeds directly into the ground before, and have had very mixed results.

But as far as planting a large number and variety of seeds this way, hoping to transplant them into larger pots, and then into the ground is something new to me.  I'm in the mood to try new things this year.  Plus, I'm on a much tighter budget these days, and seeds are alot less expensive than actual plants purchased at a nursery.  Of course, I know I'll end up purchasing a few established plants at my local nursery, because I'm too impatient to wait for results...I like bringing home a pretty plant, popping it into the ground or a container and enjoying that instant gratification of beauty in the yard.  But I'm limiting my plant purchases this year, and going to see how I do with the Great Seed Growing/Patience Growing/Budget Friendly Experiment of 2011.

I planted a large tray of seeds exactly 6 days ago.  I have one variety that is already grown about 3 inches and is just taking off.  I have another variety that are up about an inch and straining towards the sunlight coming through the window.  Two other varieties are still hiding in the soil, not peeking through yet.  I have to say that I enjoy looking at the tray each day to see if I can spot more green poking through the soil and I get tickled when a tiny little plant makes it way through.

In some ways, I feel like these little seedlings, even though I'm (cough) 47.  At times, I'm extremely aware of my middle age....I wake up with a little more stiffness these days; even with bifocals, I find myself holding something I am trying to read closer to my face, pulling away from my face, pulling closer again...over and over until I find "that spot" where the words are clear; I think about things like cholesterol and digestion; and comfort is more important than cuteness in shoes now.  At other times, I turn on my classic rock station and sing along at the top of my lungs and feel 18 again, or I realize I know most of the words to the music my girls like and I realize that I'm thankfully not "out of touch" at 47.  I definitely wish I had the energy I did when I was 18.  I enjoy hanging out with my daughters and their friends, mainly because I love them all, but also, they help keep me energized.  But as I mentioned earlier, I feel like a little seedling right now in some ways.

I'm experiencing new growth at this stage in my life...definitely not a bad thing, but growth in a way I didn't expect.  I'm learning how to be single after spending most of my life married.  I'm learning how to let go of my need for control and let God take control  Yeah...that one is pretty hard. I'm learning that the sun always comes out eventually, that healing always comes, and that although we shouldn't sweat the small stuff, it's often the small things that bring us the most happiness.  I'm learning that being rich in life has nothing to do with money.  I'm learning although I have many flaws, weaknesses , that although I have had failures and will most likely have more, that God is ever faithful and never falters in His grace and love.  I'm learning that family and friends are what makes life worthwhile and beautiful.  I'm learning that everything I'm learning makes me feel more alive each day.  My seedlings need soil to establish their roots, they need nourishment and they need the sun.  Each day, the frail little stems and new leaves reach towards the light that streams in through my kitchen window.  They are still tender and delicate, and not strong enough to be transplanted just yet.

And just like my seedlings, I find myself needing fertile soil for my roots to grow.  I need and cherish my time alone with God...my times of prayer, digging into His word, and times of reflection.  My roots are getting stronger everyday.  The more time I spend with Him, the more nourishment I get.  I find myself straining towards the Light, especially after having spent a rather lengthy time feeling like I was in the darkness.  Although I did have some very dark days, I realize now that some of that time when I was in the dark, was actually a time of being planted like a seed.  God was sowing me in His soil, I was being tended to by His mercy and grace,  and covered with by His Healing Hands.  Now, after alot of the Father's TLC, I am breaking through and able to grow above ground.  I'm still very tender, fragile in some ways.  But stronger than I was a year ago.  I'm not quite ready to be transplanted just yet, but I hope that by continuing to allow myself to be nurtured by the Father, that I will flourish in my new growth, and will be strong enough to allow myself to be transplanted into this new phase of life, with growth that others can see.  I hope that wherever God plants me, that I will be able to grow and blossom and be a testament to God's amazing love, grace, mercy and healing.

Monday, March 21, 2011

More Than a Song





I had a wonderful Saturday hanging out with my oldest daughter, Casie.  We went to Wye Mountain, where a small country church has planted thousands and thousands of daffodils on their hillside.  It's open to the public to walk around and take pictures.  It was a gorgeous sunny spring day, and we enjoyed both the drive and the outdoors.  We had time for wonderful mom/daughter talks...topics ranging from serious to funny to the frivolous (the cute fashions this spring).  I kept hoping the radio would play a song I had been telling her about, but KLOVE must  have played it each time we were out of the car, because we never heard it on the drive.



Is there a song that really grabs you?  Music does that for me alot, and I like several different genres. If you listened to my cds, iPod playlist, or followed my XM activity - you would think I have multiple personalities when it comes to music.  I can go from Michael Buble to Aerosmith to Allison Krause to Casting Crowns to Rod Stewart to Sugarland without batting an eye.  And don't forget Motown or the Broadway showtunes!  So many times, a song is more than "just" a song to us. It touches us so deeply, we listen or sing along to it as if it were intended for us - to tell our story, or to tell how we feel.   One that has really touched me the last couple of weeks is a Christian song. If you haven't heard the song "Blessings" by Laura Story, you need to listen to it on her website, KLOVE, or youtube.  This song has touched me in such a personal and intense way, as I'm sure it has many.  It's just that kind of song....grabs you by the heart.



The lyrics are so powerful and true...especially the chorus:



'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

These lyrics move me...it's that simple.  I've had more tears and sleepless nights than I can count...but I've also had more blessings and mercies than I can count as well.  We all go through times and events in life that devastate us...and we may wonder if the pain or the trial will ever go away.  One wonderful thing I have experienced over and over is that yes, the pains in life run deep....BUT God's blessings, healing, nearness and mercies run even deeper still. 
I'm in awe of God's provision for us. 

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Making All Things New


We're getting into the middle of March, and spring is officially right around the corner.  My yard is currently a combination of dead winter grass, mud from the rains, bare limbed trees begging to be pruned...but also there is new green grass peeking through, buds on the bare trees, and the early-bird specials are blooming.  I have daffodils, hyacinth and forsythia greeting me in the midst of my neglected winter yard.

I'm ready for more sunshine and warmer weather.  I'm ready to put on the gloves and start cleaning out the stuff that needs to be cleaned out.  I'm ready for the plants that are peeking up out of the ground to have room to burst forth and grow.

Spring is a wonderful time...the earth starts to bounce back from the dead of winter and is full of life again.  My dear friend Vicki and I have been listening to the birds chattering and singing outside our office windows and door this week.  Even though I haven't made the time yet to put cleanup effort into my yard, the signs of new life can't be stopped. 

A favorite passage of mine is "See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come." Song of Solomon 2: 11-12.  I often wondered if this verse would still have meaning for me, at one time in my life, 25 years ago, it was a special verse, shared between my ex-husband and me.  It had very personal meaning for the two of us, and many things that were personal and meaningful to us as a couple, I have found too painful to embrace in my singleness.

But the amazing thing I am reminded of is that the Scriptures are holy.  They are God's words.  Not mine, not my former husband's.  This passage is still one of my favorites, but my reasons have changed.  God's words and promises have not. 

I wondered if my season of winter would ever end.  And I am speaking of the winter in my heart, and in my soul.  God has done some amazing winter cleanup throughout my entire life, but over the last 3 years, there has been more clean up than ever.  I am coming up out of the mud, struggling to bloom..but with God's healing, I shall.  A part of me has felt "dead" for a long time.  Sometimes we feel dead to avoid pain, or sometimes the deadness is a numbing that happens as a result of too much pain.  Whatever it was for me, (and I'm sure it was both at different times)...the deadness is changing and being replaced with new life.  I know I'm not completely over the grief of a broken family after 23 years, but I feel the restoration.  I see signs of spring in my soul.  God has been replacing old thoughts with new ones, old emotions with new and healed emotions, a dead heart with a heart full of life, a broken soul with a soul that wants to continually seek Him. 

I am reading a book called Desire: The Journey We Must Take to Find the Life God Offers by John Eldredge. There is a chapter entitled "The Great Restoration" in which the author talks about spring returning to our souls.  I love the poem he quotes:

                 Grief melts away
                 Like snow in May
                 As if there were no such cold thing.
                 Who would've thought my shrivel'd heart
                 Could have recover'd greennesse?  It was gone
                  quite underground.

                 And now in age I bud again,
                 After so many deaths I live and write;
                 I once more smell the dew and rain,
                 And relish versing: O my only light
                 It cannot be
                 that I am he
                 On whom they tempests fell all night.

                                                  ('The Flower' George Herbert)


Eldredge questions the reader "Can it really happen?  Can our lives be green again?"  He also goes on to point out that we have practically accepted the winter of our life for what is is, striving to find life wherever we can.  That is very true of me in my divorce recovery.  I have intentionally recognized that I have to accept this season in my life, embrace it, honor it, grieve it, but still move forward looking for life where I can.  However, in my intentional journey of healing, one thing I overlooked is that spring always comes.  Oh, I know this in the back of my mind.  I know this in my heart.  I know that God is always at work.  But I still am surprised when I see the first daffodil poking through the muddy wintry ground.  I still love driving home each day and finding something new and colorful that has emerged.  And I love waking up in the mornings and finding that I am joyful and smiling and healing more than I am hurting now; and peaceful in the knowledge that when I do hurt (and yes, life will always have hurts for us all) that God is already there...comforting, soothing, healing and restoring.