Ash Wednesday

Today is Ash Wednesday, a day of repentence and recognizing the need for forgiveness, also-the beginning of the Lenten season, a time of prayer and reflecting on the sacrifice of Christ, and the anticipation towards the Resurrection.  Growing up Southern Baptist, I was pretty naive on worship, liturgical rites and practices within other Christian denominations...well into my early 20s, I'm ashamed to say. My home church didn't have an Ash Wednesday service, and very few practiced observing Lent.  Nowadays, I know many Baptists who observe Lent.
I wake up now each Ash Wednesday, smiling and chuckling over the year that I said to a co-worker "Oh come here, you've got some dirt smudged on your forehead" as I tried to wipe it off.  The look on her face was priceless as she explained Ash Wednesday to me, and I'll never forget the group around us with their jaws agape (over my ignorance).  She didn't run away from my friendship (thankfully) and we're still friends today (if only on Facebook because we live in different towns).  In my defense, I think her cross of ashes may have been a little smudged...but really, there is no defense.  I was just ignorant.
I remember that year realizing I had alot of learning to do about the diversity of Christian worship....and so I began to pay more attention to the different ways my friends worshipped, and it has been a rich and rewarding experience as I have grown.  I have been in a small group of ladies for several years now, and we are diverse...yet the same.  We are different ages, come from different backgrounds, are at various lifestages, worship in different denominations.  And yet, we come together and we share, we study and we grow. We also laugh hyserterically and at the same time are comfortable with one another's tears.  We rejoice together and we mourn together.  We lift each other up.  We strive to be more Christlike together.  We recognize each other's humanity, struggles and fears, and we just seem to embrace one another all the more.  I have grown tremendously from the different perspectives we all bring to the group when we do a study.  They challenge me and bless me continually.
So today, I have my Ash Wednesday smile as I remember the year I realized I had alot to learn.  And I smile bigger still, because one thing age and life has taught me, is that I STILL have alot to learn. Let me re-emphasize...STILL ALOT TO LEARN.  I certainly don't have it all together, I'm often a mess. I've also been reflecting this morning on areas in my life in which I need repentance and forgiveness.Hmmm..there's ALOT there too.  I'm thankful for this season of sacrifice and for the ultimate sacrifice of Christ...I am thankful that God is a God of renewal and forgiveness...of second and third and fourth (and so on and so on) chances.  I am thankful for FORGIVENESS, GRACE and MERCY...and I am thankful for all of my "soul sistahs", near and far, ones from my past and my current ones, who have helped me grow by showing me that diversity can lead to unity in Christ.

Beauty from Ashes

The girls and I made a quick trip to Memphis tonight for dinner and shopping.  We had to take a different route on the way back home to avoid a traffic jam.  I found myself driving a road I had not driven in about a year.  As the memories of a year ago came flooding over me, I had to smile and I had to thank God for being my Healer and my Counselor.
It was during this very season last year that I was going through the most painful time of my life to date...the end of my 23 year old marriage.   At the encouragement of my family counselor, I sought out a DivorceCare recovery group at a church in Memphis.  Every Tuesday night, I would make the 45 minute drive to this support group...where I met a roomful of both women and men, going through the same devastation, rejection and broken dreams that I was going through.  Our circumstances led us to form a tight knit bond throughout those 12 weeks.  I saw that I wasn't the only one hurting so deeply, and in that room full of raw emotional wounds and pain, I found God's healing power in a way that I had never known.
I remember feeling and thinking that the wounds would never heal, and that I would never be the same as I had before.  Well, the truth is....I can honestly say that the wounds do heal...some of them have definitely healed, some are still healing.  It is also true that I will never be the same again, and I am now okay with that.  I am better than "okay" with that.  I have learned so much about the depth and power of God's faithfulness, His healing, His mercies and His grace. Yes, my wounds have healed...and there are scars.  But the scars to me are not something to be sad over, they are something to rejoice over.  
Back to the road I was driving on earlier tonight....as I said, it was a year ago that I would drive that road.  It was a year ago that I could barely see the road for my tears.  It was a year ago that I sat in the church parking lot, terrified to take that first step into the group...terrified to open my soul to strangers.  It was a year ago that I was racked by sobs in that same parking lot...beating my steering wheel out of sheer frustration at what I could not control.  It was a year ago that I faithfully made that drive, walked up that long staircase into the room with a group of strangers with whom I would find trust, honesty and healing.  Fast forward to this evening and I am driving that road with a smile on my face.   I am remembering all the people who told me that yes, I would get through this, and that I would be find peace and happiness again.  I am remembering all the times I made that drive when I would say aloud "God, I believe You are healing me...I don't feel it, but I believe it, and I trust in it." In the next breath I would cry out "When God, when????!!!! When will I ever stop hurting?"
I had to walk through the fire....I had to face the pain.  It hurt, it was ugly, it was deep, it was raw, it was demanding, it was tiring and it was VERY long.  I still have steps to take. But as I drove tonight laughing, singing, talking with the girls....I was reminded that beauty DOES come from ashes. I have the beauty of a deeper relationship with the Lord.  I feel as if all of my relationships have deepened.  My heart is no longer heavy...and THAT is beauty.

The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me...
To comfort all who mourn, To console those who mourn...
To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning,
The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.  Isaiah 61:2-3
    

Catch a Wave

Well, summer is winding down.  Not temperature-wise, it's still blazin' hot here.  But school will be starting in 16 days and for us, that means summer is winding down.
We had a WONDERFUL family vacation in Destin this year.  All of my good intentions regarding writing about our vacation and various other summer activities obviously went by the wayside.  I think Father's Day was when I last took time to write.
Our trip to Destin was in honor of my parents' 50th wedding anniversary, which is actually next month.  Instead of a traditional "Golden Anniversary" party or reception, they really just wanted all of us to be together. They rented a beautiful house on the beach and those of us who could get away for the week, spent that time hanging out together, talking, laughing, playing games, and soaking up that wonderful beachy feeling of total relaxation.
I really enjoyed being able to "get away"...from work, from responsibilities, from pressures and worries for that week.  I enjoyed spending time with my parents, my siblings, my nephews and niece, and especially my two daughters.  It was a week of more healing for me....the healing that comes with being able to destress, of being able to connect with God in HIS world, to thank Him for His creation; of being able to talk and share, to laugh until my sides hurt.
I always like to read, and I packed a novel for the beach, and I also threw in a devotional book titled "Healing the Divorced Heart".  It was a book I had purchased a few weeks beforehand, but had planned on keeping it for the trip.  I didn't even notice until I was unpacking upon arrival that the cover had a woman walking on the beach.  I couldn't help but smile.  There really is something healing about being near the water...there is a serenity that comes with watching the waves and just letting God's love pour over you.
One of the afternoons when I ventured into the water, the surf was fairly rough.  Wave after wave kept knocking us down.  My sister, Terri, grabbed my hand, and helped me up after one rather ungraceful wipeout.  Coming up out of the water, laughing and sputtering, covered in sand and seaweed....she helped me walk without falling so much.  Then right as my confidence built up, a big wave would come and sweep me off my feet.  She related the waves knocking me down to the waves in life.  She said "Don't let these waves keep you down.  Get back up...keep walking.  When one knocks you down, just stand up and start again." As we walked the waves together, hand in hand, (except when we would get swept away) I thought of the symbolism my younger sis so wisely pointed out.  So many things in life DO knock us down.  The important thing is to get back up.  And what a blessing it is when there is someone beside you, reaching out their hand to help you get your footing again. With every wave that we conquered that day, I felt stronger.  By the time we got past the point where the waves were crashing, they were just pleasant waves, bouncing us up and down.  We stayed out there and talked for awhile.
I hope that as I continue on my life journey, that I always do get back up when I am knocked down.  I hope I always remember that God has His hand held out...all I need to do is take hold and allow Him to pull me back up.  And I pray that I always have my eyes open to the family and friends who also are jumping the waves with me, hands outstretched to help me along....and also that my eyes are open to those who need MY hand stretched out towards them.

I can honestly say that I am thankful for waves....the wonderful fun waves that knock you down, the calming waves that lull you to sleep, the majestic waves that make you so aware of God's awesome creation, the waves in life that knock you down but make you stronger, the waves of God's love and healing that pour out over you, the gentle and lapping waves that come after those rough ones, and for the family and friends who will take your hand and help you battle the waves and get back up each time.

My Dad

The man in this picture is a man of integrity...a man with a love for the Lord...a man of unconditional love...a man of loyalty....a man of hard work....a man of dedication....a man with a sense of humor...a man with a generous spirit....a man of patience...a man of quiet stubbornness....a man who loves to have a good time with family and friends....a man who is happy to help....a man who has a mischieveous twinkle in his eye....a man who is steadfast...a man who loves to teach and lead others...a family man....the maker of pancakes....the loose tooth puller....the bedtime story reader (he even does special voices)...the bike riding teacher and later .the teenage driving instructor (sorry for being a slow learner, Dad)...the Dad/Poppy/Popper/Pop who will rough house and wrestle with you (and sometimes get both or all of you into trouble)...the comforter of skinned knees and broken hearts....the one who reads National Geographic, watches the Discovery Channel and the History Channel and passed the love of those things onto me....the sports watcher....the man who loves "The Dirty Dozen" and "Kelly's Heroes" no matter how many times he sees those....the man who loves leading others in Bible study and teaching Sunday School....the man who loves being on the golf course or studying family history and genealogy....the man who loves a good joke and a corny one...the man you want on your Trivial Pursuit team....the man who will give you advice when asked, but never force it on you...the man whom I am blessed to call "Dad".  I love you, Dad!

Joy Comes In The Morning

The girls and I just arrived home from a wonderful week at Miramar Beach in Destin. This was a week with extended family, to celebrate my parents' 50th wedding anniversary later this year.  Instead of the traditional reception, they really wanted a week of family togetherness, with their 3 kids and families.  So those of us who could make it, hit the road to Florida.

I fully intended to blog daily while I was there, but we our cell phone reception and internet reception was spotty at best.  I can honestly say, that although I didn't like parts of being "unplugged" from the world, I found myself not missing it nearly as much as I thought I would have.

I would usually find myself downstairs by 7:30 or so each morning, and would take my cup of coffee to the deck and just sit....mesmerized by the sights and sounds of God's creation.  There is something so soothing about being on the beach, especially in the early hours or evening hours, when the crowds are sparse.


I found myself unplugging not just from the laptop and cellphone, but from my fears, wounds, worries and problems.  I found myself plugging into the simplicity of sitting on the deck, or down on the beach, and allowing myself to just "be still".

In addition to the fun and craziness of being with my family, I needed the respite from the worries and stresses that often keep me awake at night.  I needed a week where I could feel the embrace of familial love and healing.  God has brought me so far on the healing journey after my divorce.  There have been so many days when I just didn't know how to put one foot in front of the other.  But God's healing and grace, along with the support of love of my family and friends, and the counsel of some very wise and godly people have helped me along.

As I would sit and drink my coffee while watching the waves, I can honestly say that I can testify to God's promise in Psalms that "weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." There are still wounds, therefore still healing to be done.  But God has brought me to the place where I can feel the morning....the return of joy.