Unsinkable

I wish I had the opportunity for a costume for myself this Halloween. I think I'd like to go as the "Unsinkable Molly Brown". She survived the disaster of the Titanic, and was stuck with that nickname. From what I have read, she was quite a feisty gal.

I've had the kind of year where God has carried me through, and shown me that WITH Him, I am unsinkable.

I have made choices and decisions in my life which have led to consequences that haven't been so great. I've carried around alot of baggage as a result. Baggage that would normally sink a person. And I was sinking. I would tread water and stay afloat for awhile, but eventually I would tire and begin to sink. The baggage grew heavier and heavier.

There have been many times in my adult life that God has tried to show me that the baggage can be thrown overboard. And I would do that...only to jump back in the water, retrieve it, and struggle some more.

This year, I realized that I'm tired of being weighed down. I'm ready to throw it all away. It's hard....in some strange ironic sense, there's comfort in holding onto my baggage. It's a little frightening to release it. But with EVERY piece of baggage I throw overboard (and allow to be swept away, and not try to jump in to retrieve it) there is an INCREDIBLE freedom.

I'm realizing that I'm unsinkable. At long as I'm letting God keep me afloat. And as long as I allow Him to throw the baggage overboard. It's hard to release my grip....my fingers clench tightly to some of the stuff I carry.

Quoting Anne Lamotte again: "Sometimes grace works like waterwings when you feel you are sinking." I want to be aware of and embrace God's grace. I want His grace to be my waterwings.

I want to be unsinkable. So I'm going to continue letting go.

Another Rainy Day

We had another rainy day here...which again means no time in the hammock. (sigh)

It's the kind of day where I would have preferred to lounge around in comfy pj's all day, with a blanket and a good book, wonderful aromas coming from the kitchen, a classic old black and white movie on tv, a nap and then time for reflecting.

It hasn't quite happened that way. Work was extremely busy, parent teacher conferences were tonight, as well as a quick trip to the grocery store. By the time I made it home, I was feeling frazzled and tired.

However, I have done some reflecting the last couple of days on something I read. I was reading "A Beautiful Offering" by Angela Thomas. The particular chapter was "Being Yourself". One paragraph really struck a chord with me. She was speaking to the fact that we all have insecurities, and often we think that God must be crazy for calling us or asking us to do some of the things He lays before us. She writes "I imagine He listens to my protests and says, I hear whining like this all the time. Why does everyone question My sovereignty? I am the Creator here, and I'm not surprised by the talent pool. I have always known it's just you, and I choose to use you anyway."

Wow. I am a person plagued with insecurities. To some people, I hide them well. I believe many others can see right through me. I have realized over the last year that I sabotage myself alot, and I sell myself short as well. For the past year, I have been working on accepting myself but also making healthy changes where needed. I haven't quite learned how to juggle the self-acceptance with the self-improvement. I don't always know what needs to be worked on. And I often feel hopeless. So when I read this paragraph...I realized that God knows me. The real me. There's no hiding or pretending with Him. And yet, He still chooses me. Flaws and all. In spite of my failures. Willing to take on my insecurities. Not minding that I am broken and trying to mend. When the world shuns me, He embraces me.

My human nature finds this hard to accept. Along with the changes and acceptance I have been working on this year, I have felt God not only healing me, but changing things in my life. I feel some doors being closed and others opened. I am beginning to think about the possibilities of God preparing me to possibly lead out in other areas than what I am used to. Getting me out of my comfort zone...which oftens leads to complacency. And as God has been laying new possibilities before me, I have been arguing with Him. Telling Him that I wouldn't be good at this or that, that I'm not organized or disciplined enough, that I need more time to heal, and so on and so on.

Maybe I just need to accept God's sovereignty, as Angela says. Maybe I just need to realize that He wants to work through me. Maybe I need to trust, and not just say that I do. Maybe I need to be more willing to follow where He leads.

He knows my strengths and my weaknesses, my failures and successes. It's not like I need to give Him my resume. I just have to be willing to give of myself. Humbly come before Him and say "Here I am".

God isn't surprised by us....so why are we surprised by Him?

Extreme Makeover

"Joy is the best makeup" - Anne Lamotte

I get an e-newsletter from a website each day that has a daily quote, and this was one of the quotes this week.

As a middle aged woman who is frantically trying to hold back the aging process the best that she can, I found this quote from Anne Lamotte so refreshing.

If you looked in my bathroom drawer right now, you would find a wicker basket filled with items such as "Age Defying Daily Renewal Cleanser", "Dead Sea Anti-Stress Face Tonic", "Youthtopia Skin Firming Cream", "Radiance Boost Eye Cream", "Intensive Restoration Treatment", and that's not even to the cosmetics! Those are just skincare products.

If you look further in the drawer for cosmetics, you will find all shades of eye shadow, lipstick, blush, foundation, concealers, eye liners, mascaras, and so forth.

It's actually quite funny when I look at my collection and realize that while these products might make me look somewhat better (well, alot better actually) and make me feel "spiffier".....that they really aren't changing the aging process. My birthday still rolls around every year.

I've decided that Anne is onto something. Have you noticed the faces of people who are full of joy? Their joy is contagious. People smile at me....I smile back. A joyful person has a countenance about them that is radiant. Try hanging out with a joyful person.....I don't care if you are normally Oscar the Grouch, you are going to start feeling some joy. You won't be able to stop yourself.

One thing that I have learned in life is that joy is not happiness necessarily. Some of my most joyful times have been in times of sadness, turmoil, chaos, and the like. How is that possible? Because joy is more than simply an emotion. Joy goes deeper for me. Joy comes from a deeper place than myself.

Joy is found through God. And when I am going through troubled times, and I feel the Heavenly Father picking me up, dusting me off, and helping me back on my way....I have joy. I have cried tears of anguish, felt God's arms wrap around me, and have had joy in the middle of tears. It's hard to explain if you've never experienced it. But it is real, my friends.

Look at the people around you....I bet you will be able to tell who has joy and who does not. There is a peace that comes with joy. A peace that surpasses all understanding.

I want that makeover. I want joy to be part of my daily countenance. I want to be so closely anchored to the Lord that no matter what emotions and/or circumstances I might be going through, joy is something that never leaves.

So while I'm not advocating leaving off the makeup...heaven knows that I will have mine on tomorrow, I am saying that I want my face to reflect the joy that is in my heart. I believe that I will not only look younger, but will feel younger, will have a "spring in my step" and a "sparkle in my eye". I hope that when people see my mouth, they don't necessarily notice the shade of my lipstick (not that I don't love lipstick...'cause in all honesty, I do) but I hope my mouth reflects words of encouragement and kindness, a smile across my lips, and joyful laughter that comes forth easily.

I want a joy makeover.

No Maintenance Required

My thumb hasn't been very green this year...I've barely managed to maintain my yard, which means I haven't spent much time on the flowers this year.

But thankfully, God created perennials for fickle gardeners like me, and I still am able to enjoy wonderful bursts of color in my yard even though I have done nothing.

After hibernating all summer, my mums have opened forth with their beautiful cheery yellow and you just can't help but smile when you look at them.

There's not much in life that doesn't require some kind of maintenance at the least, and more importantly, some TLC. This morning, my mums reminded me that even when I am neglectful, God is still out there doing His thing. Always faithful.

Be Still

I don't think I'll normally blog twice in one day, but since I'm doing this for me, and not really for anyone else, I guess there are no rules and I can do what I feel like.

When downloading some pics today off of my camera, I came across this picture that I had forgotten I had taken this spring. If you look real closely through the branches, you will see a bird sitting on the eggs in her nest. She made her home in my redbud tree, and she was a beautiful bird.You can't zoom in like I was able to, but you can make out the shape of her tail and her head. She stoically and faithfully sat on that nest day in and day out.

Many people would not find this very significant at all...I mean that's what mama birds do, right?

But this bird became a symbol for me this spring.

Spring weather can be brutal....it's warm one day, freezing the next. Storms come through this area very frequently during springtime. The wind can gust quite often.

This bird NEVER left her nest...she was so steadfast and dedicated to protecting her eggs. Now I'm sure at some times during the day, she would have to leave and get food for herself. I never saw it happen, but I'm sure it did. I do feel certain, however, that she was never far from the nest, and probably dined on her seeds or bugs with one eye on that nest at all times.

The reason this bird and her nest became so symbolic to me is that I, too, was going through a season of change. My life became very stormy....the wind would blow so hard, I felt as if my entire family were going to blow away. I questioned God, I questioned myself. Even when I didn't have answers...I could hear (or feel) God's voice telling me to "Be Still". I felt as if He were telling me on a daily basis that I was to trust....to remain steadfast...to protect my nest, and that He would be there for me.

Everything about the bird became symbolic. The branches that gave her cover and refuge symbolized the refuge that prayer gave me. When I turned to God, I felt as if He were wrapping His arms around and keeping me safe.

The sturdiness of her nest became symbolic of the sturdiness of my family. Sure, we were being tossed around by a storm....unsure of what was going to happen next. But I had to trust and believe that we had built a strong and sturdy home...and that in the end, we would be sheltered from the devastation of life's storms. We WOULD go through storms....we all do. And we might experience some loss, but God would be faithful to carry us through the storm.

The ever-changing weather became symbolic of our ever-changing world during that time. There were new emotions, challenges, trials....that seemed like a daily occurence. I was so weary....there were so many times I wanted to give up....but I would look out my window at that bird....sitting....on her nest. The tree might be bending with the wind, but there she sat. She might get soaked in a storm, but there she sat. There were days when the winds would calm and the sun would shine on her....and there she sat. Patiently. Dutifully. Never flinching. She knew what her task was, and she stuck to it.

During this time in my life, I knew that my task was to keep my focus on God. I had alot of issues that I needed to work on...issues that had been buried deep inside, and that were brought to the surface in an abrupt and painful way. I had the task of confronting my insecurities, weaknesses and fears...and I could either let the storm blow me off course, or I could remain steadfast.

I'm not sure where Mama Bird got her perserverance from...but I know where mine came from. It was my Father....pure and simple. He wrapped me up in His love and daily reminded me to just "Be Still". To wait. To allow Him to transform me. To trust. To have faith. To be diligent. To do whatever task He lay before me and to not waiver.

It wasn't easy...it still isn't. But just as Mama Bird got through her task of protecting her eggs, and gave birth to new life, God helped me stay on my task. And I feel as if I was given new life.

I still stumble, I still lose my focus, I still have troubles with insecurities and failures. Amazingly, however, God has this incredible way of bringing me back to Him and back to focusing on the task at hand.

At the present, my focus is firstly on Him and working on myself. I am to continue being diligent and steadfast...and I am to be like Mama Bird was all spring....to just Be Still and Trust.