New Path

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be." Douglas Adams

When I married 23 years ago, I fully intended for it to be a one time event. I never foresaw that my marriage would be one of the many that end in divorce. I never thought our family would shatter.

However, it did. Wounds have been inflicted and lives forever altered. But, through the miracle of God's faithfulness and grace....we are beginning to heal.

We never intended to go down this road, but here we are. On a journey that has included alot of pain, but also an incredible amount of love and hope.

The old and familiar is being replaced with the new and the unknown. Some relationships are transforming, being introduced...others are staying the same in their faithfulness even in the face of change, but with renewed commitment to the continuation of always "being there" for one another.

No...I would not have chosen a path this painful. I would've avoided the storms of life if I could have. But without pain, there is no healing. Without trials, blessings are often not recognized. Without the understanding of loss, there is no compassion. Without failures, successess go unnoticed. Again, I would not have chosen to go down this path. But now that I have, I realize this is where I need to be. Hopefully...a person with a deeper love, understanding and compassion for those around me. Hopefully, a more faithful servant to my Lord. Hopefully, a better mother, daughter, sister, friend and woman... this much improved emotional and spiritual place is exactly where I intended to be.

Encouragement

I love the way that God knows what we need even before we do sometimes. I woke up this morning in a great mood, full of optimism and eager to start the day. I didn't really know I would need encouragement this day (although I'm a big believer in the power of encouragement and would never think that I didn't need it).

However, all throughout this day, I have been blessed by the people around me. I had wonderful conversations with both of my daughters, I had a call from a person dear to my heart, I was encouraged and uplifted by two different blogs that I follow, I received uplifting words via text, facebook posts, emails and good old fashioned snail mail. A couple of unexpected acts of kindness today brought me to tears. Work was rewarding, demanding and full of laughter today, conversations shared with my best friend and coworker, as well as my boss.

I almost began to get suspicious...wondering "what was up"...which makes me chuckle now. Because I realize that what was up is that my Heavenly Father was letting me know that it is okay to be happy again.

Over the last year, I have really experienced the difference between joy and happiness...something I've always known, but I have lived it this past year. Happiness is circumstantial usually...joy is the calm and serenity we feel even in the midst of a storm. I have had lots of joy on my journey, but the happiness, while not gone, has been harder to come by. There are even times I feel guilty when I find some happiness, because I had grown accustomed to the pain.

God knew when I woke up this morning that I needed this extra dose of "happy" today....and so, even though I was in the best of moods, He prompted so many people to reach out to me, and they responded.

Good friends, good family, good words, good deeds....all blessings from my Wonderful Lord. May I always be open to responding to God's nudging of me when encouragement is needed by those that I love.

Changes

It's been almost a full year since my last post, although I do this for myself, since I'm not a huge blog follower, nor do I have "followees".



My life the past year has been tumultuous and full of changes within my family. While writing is therapeutic for me, the changes have been too personal to share with anyone. I have journaled on paper, and for my eyes only the past year.



Changes, even the dreaded ones, are frightening and scarey. The breaking up of a family is tragic. But it has happened in our home, and after a very dark period, I feel optimistic, hopeful and I know I am on a path of peace and healing.



If I could have "do overs" in life, I would do many things differently. I won't list those here...but I will say that I am so thankful for the healing grace and love of my Savior, for my two beautiful daughters, for my extended family and my precious friends.

There will be continued pain with this new journey of life, I'm sure. But I'm also sure of continued healing and hope for our future.

Deadheading

Memorial Day here in Marion has been one of sunshine followed by a thunderstorm, more sun, then rain. Off and on like this all day. We did our grilling of the ribs and all the yummy things that go with it yesterday after church, because Andy is on duty today at the fire station.

It's been fairly lowkey around the house this morning, just the girls, the dogs and myself. Lindsey has managed to make it to the pool with some of her friends to enjoy the sunshine while she can. Casie and I have been reading and doing various tasks around the house. During one of our "sunny hours" I went outside and decided to do some deadheading on a hanging basket I have. It's a tedious task, but I know if I am patient and do it diligently that I will have a healthier plant overall and beautiful blooms. As I was carefully pulling off the dead blooms, I was reminded of how God deadheads/prunes me. I'm currently going through a phase of that in my life right now. There are some things that God is helping me to get rid of in order for me to be healthier. Issues in my life that I can "let go of"...as they are weighing me down and causing me to be unhealthy. It's amazing to me how God knows when to be delicate in his pruning of me, and when to just be bold and "whack it off". He alone knows what is best for me. I tend to make a mess of things when I do it on my own. Thankfully, He is the gardener of my soul.

As I was also looking around my yard and deck, I realized that my gardening goes in phases. I will get all excited and be extra diligent with my plants and flowers, and then I get busy with life, and they will be neglected for a few days. Once again, I am thankful for God being MY gardener. He is ever faithful. Always knowing when I need nourishment. Always knowing of when I need the sun and when I need a cleansing rain in my soul. Always knowing of when the deadheading and pruning need to take place.

I feel like a fledgling new plant...trying to struggle out of the ground. I'm not quite out and blooming in all my glory yet, but I hope that someday I will be.

Back to blogging

It has been a couple of months since I've blogged. For various reasons, I have simply felt "dry" when it came to putting words in type. But recently I've discovered I was missing the blogging (I find it strangely therapeutic) and missing reading the ones I follow.

Tonight is one of insomnia, so here I sit at the computer. I've browsed through the blogs I enjoy, looked at pictures that are posted that inspire me, and I feel invigorated. For exactly what, I'm not sure. But thanks to you bloggers out there that "do my soul good!"

My bout of insomnia (which unfortunately is rather common lately) comes from troubles within my own soul and an issue within my family. I have cried, I have prayed. I tried reading, but couldn't focus long enough to get past a few pages. There is nothing on tv that I feel like watching right now. It's too late to talk to precious friends...I know them well enough to know that they are all catching zzzz's right now. Now I'm fighting a splitting headache. I wonder....what do you others out there do when your nights are filled with anxiety, worries and pain? What eases your mind and your soul?