Consistent Love

Just now I was listening to a song by JJ Heller...a Christian artist that I was only recently introduced to. Well, introduced to her music, that is. A young woman in college, a dear family friend, sang one of her songs with an acoustic guitar in church a few Sundays ago, and it was quite powerful. The song is titled "Love Me" and is definitely worth listening to. A beautiful song with powerful lyrics. Many people in the congregation, including myself, were moved to tears.

The song asks the question, "Who will love me for me?" not for what we've done, or for what we'll become.

I was listening to the song just now, and am now asking God to help me have that kind of love for the people in my life. I want to model my heart after God's heart. I want to love unconditionally the people He has placed in my life for me to love.

Naturally, I have expectations, as we all do, of the people we know and love. There are certain expectations we have of spouses, of children, of other family members, of our friends, of our leaders, our co-workers, etc. However, I don't ever want anyone to feel that my love and/or acceptance has to be earned. I want the people I love to know that my love is genuine, full of grace, and always there. Since I'm human, that's not always an easy task. I'm sure I fail often. But I want to love as God loves. At least as much as is possible.

I thank God for loving me just for being me. I thank Him that He is consistent, full of abundant grace and mercy, and that His mercies are new each day. I thank Him for the assurance that He will never leave or forsake me. And I thank Him for laying on my heart that I need to learn to see others as He sees them and to love as He loves.

A Wonderful Day

Yummy smells coming from the kitchen (after one major mishap early this morning - which didn't smell so great), my family all mellow and just hanging out, a beautiful sunny day outside, the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade earlier this morning, football on this afternoon...

As I busy myself in the kitchen, instead of being stressed over the preparations, timing of the turkey and all the "other little things" I used to stew over...I'm relaxed and I'm happy. If a dish doesn't taste perfect, I'm okay. If the turkey takes a little longer, I'm okay. If my table setting isn't perfect, I'm okay.

I'm surrounded by love and laughter...by history and memories....by wrapped up in the ever faithful presence, grace and love of my Savior.

It's a wonderful day, and I am thankful.

Thankful This Morning

As I sit in the quiet of the morning with my coffee, my heart is smiling. Both of my "chicks" are home in the nest. Casie has made it home from college for her Thanksgiving break. I just peeked on both her and Lindsey....both in their rooms, snoozing away. I smiled in their doorways, not even caring about the mess that lay on the floors in each of their rooms. Just thankful that they are healthy, that they are filled with love, and thankful that they are here. I'll be a little envious as I head off to work this morning...envious that I can't just stay home and hang out. My only consolation will be that knowing them, they'll be sleeping most of the morning away, and wouldn't have been hanging out with me anyway.

I have so much to be thankful for. I plan to write some of my "thanks" into my journal. I find that when I start acknowledging what I am thankful for, I find more and more to thank God for.

The main thanksgiving I have this year is that my family is together. I didn't know that we would be earlier this year. It has been a hurtful and tough year, a year of wounds. But it has been a healing and good year also. Through everything, it has been a grace-filled year. A year of renewal. A year of God's reminder that He is ever faithful to me.

So, as I sit in my home, all cozy and quiet this morning...I am thankful. Thankful for Andy. Thankful for Casie. Thankful for Lindsey. I'm thankful for Cocoa and Flash, who keep us entertained.

Yes, I'm smiling. On the inside and out. A great big ear to ear thankful smile. I think I'll go work on the rest of my "thankful" list now.

Gimme Something Else Lord

Have you ever prayed to God for help with something and then weren't crazy about the solution when He gave it to you? C'mon....I know I'm not the only one. I've had trouble getting out of bed the last couple of weeks, so I've earnestly began praying to God for help in the mornings. I absolutely TREASURE having some time to myself in the quiet of the morning...and when I sleep in and miss it, I start off my day a tad bit cranky. (some in the family might say my crankiness is "more" than a tad) So...the Lord decided to answer my prayer for help this morning. Saturday morning. At 5 am no less. I quickly told Him that I didn't intend for Saturdays to be covered in my prayer. So I rolled over, snuggled deeper into the covers and closed my eyes. Only to find that my lab was jumping up and down to let me know he needed to go outside. Gggrrr. So I get up and let Cocoa out. I run back to the warmth of the bed before my eyes open too wide....or my mind becomes too alert. Aahhh...there's that warm spot. I snuggle back in. Now I hear Cocoa at the back door whining to come back inside. "He's fine" I tell myself. "He's got alot of fur". Then I remember it's 24 degrees outside, and I do love Cocoa. So I get back up and let him in. Now I'm awake. "Gee thanks Lord" is what is running through my head.

Since I'm not alert enough to really read anything yet, I do a couple of chores. I do get to see the beautiful sunrise...one of my favorite times of day. The coffee is great. "Okay, okay Lord. It's not so bad being up this early on a Saturday."

I sit down with my Bible, journal and a couple of devotional books. I began to read. "No....I don't really want that message, Lord. Gimme something else." I thumb through my books again. Nope. Nothing is hitting me like that verse. This can't be what I'm supposed to get this morning. I don't want this. Ever felt that way? The Lord leads you to read something, and the words just jump out at you. Sometimes we're excited....we know it's for us and it's encouraging. Sometimes we're offended. We know it's for us, and we don't want to hear it. This morning, I wasn't offended, but I didn't want that message. I needed something else. Something to make me feel good. This wasn't making me feel good. This was telling me what I should do. I don't want to be told what to do. I want to be made to feel good!

"Lord, we need to talk again. This isn't what I need. Let me thumb back a few pages. Nah, that's not it either. Let me thumb forward. " By now, my thumbs are getting tired. I've looked through the pages fast, I've looked through them slower. I keep coming back to these words.

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men." Colossians 3:23

The reason I didn't want to hear this is because we are going through an incredibly stressful and difficult time at work. On a scale of 1-10, we're at about a 15. The work load is huge, the obstacles seem great right now, deadlines are looming, staff doesn't always get along. I wanted a peppy, uplifting verse. I didn't want to hear that I should keep diligent at my work. And with all of my heart???? Are you kidding me Lord? At my job? With these people??? Have you met them?

He assured me that He has met them and loves them. He reminded me that I have this job, hard as it may be right now, at a time when many are losing theirs. He reminded me that this too, shall pass. This time of stress will work itself out and situations will improve.

And as He so often does, He reminded me that He is faithful. He heard my prayer for help and got me out of bed this Saturday morning (even though I didn't mean Saturday in my prayer). He reminded me that He gave me a solution to how I should handle my job right now (even though I desperately tried to help Him find another one....geez, my fingers are tired from flipping through those pages) I was able to see the sunrise, and know it's a new day. And I will do my best to make the most of it.

Thank you Lord.

Morning Coffee

This is the view from my kitchen table...one of the three different places that I like to sit early in the morning before the rest of the household is awake. Even though the view from my kitchen window is mainly of the road and house across the street, there is still something peaceful to me about being able to look outside when I pray and read. Watching the sun rise is a peaceful and enjoyable feeling to me, usually.....but lately I can barely drag this middle aged booty out of bed in the mornings. I'm not sure why, but the urge to pull the covers over my head is almost irresistable at the present.

However, if I am able to put my feet to the floor and shuffle to the kitchen, I am usually awake by the second sip (or gulp on some mornings) of coffee and once I am actually awake, I enjoy the peace that comes with a quiet morning.

A little music, a little reading, a little journaling, alot of prayer.....and my day seems to go so much better. I'm able to focus on things that I should, on the people that I should...and I'm better able to let certain things "roll off" my shoulders, the things that I DON'T need to focus on.

So although the view from my front window is nothing spectacular or even above average...it still is a window of tranquility, peace and hope for me as I begin the new day. With each sunrise that I get to see, I am reminded of God's faithfulness to me each and every day.

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."

Hanging by a Thread

Lately it seems as if sitting down to write is getting harder and harder....not because I don't enjoy it, because I do. It's just that life has become a little chaotic and stressful, as it tends to do in all of us, and I find myself "whipped" by the end of the day.

Usually, I consider myself a morning person. However, something happened when the time changed a couple of weeks ago. That morning person has vamoosed....totally gone....she has left the building.

I have signed onto blogger and enjoyed following the blogs of people who I read. And I'll even start to post myself, and find myself staring at the screen.

My stresses are no different than most of the rest of the world...it just seems to me as if they are all piling on at once. An unexpected death of a partner in our firm, the aftermath that leaves at the office, the normal "year end" work that takes place in accounting, the lack of Christmas planning which now has me in a panic, the realization that both of my girls have birthdays right around the corner, a stack of bills sitting on my desk at home to be paid, health concerns of family members, relationship worries.....basically....just life.

These days I feel as if I'm hanging by a thread...and the worry that my thread isn't strong enough to hold me. Then I remember to whom I am bound....and I smile. God is the thread that holds me together.

Yep, I'm hanging by a thread. And it's all okay.

Blessings

With Thanksgiving right around the corner, it is impossible for me not to begin thinking of all that I have to be thankful for. My life is full of God's blessings, but sadly, I often go through my days not really acknowledging them. I often take the blessings for granted, which is something I should never do.

Over the last year, I have begun to have a genuine time of praise and thanksgiving in my prayer life, and the amazing thing about that has been the result - which is a deeper understanding of God and the "opening of my eyes" to more blessings in my life. I also notice that when I neglect that area of my prayer life, I miss out on the recognition of God's work and blessing in my life.

I want to be able to live my life where Thanksgiving is more than just a holiday in November. I want to recognize God's work in my life throughout all of the seasons.

One of my favorite songs is Louis Armstrong singing "What a Wonderful World"...I can't help but smile. If a song can make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, then that is the song that does it for me. The lyrics are great, and remind me of things to be thankful for.

And now, I'm going to go sit with my warm mug of coffee, listen to Louis and thank God for the blessings this morning.

A Simple Prayer

I woke up this morning and began my usual morning routine....coffee, checking emails, catching up on the news, listening to music. When my caffeine fix has kicked in, and I am more alert, I try to settle in for my quiet time. This morning I dug out a book that helped change my life a little over a year ago - Get Out of That Pit by Beth Moore. I am a person who struggles with depression - but I am coming face to face with my problem and trying to allow God to deliver me from it. I am blessed to have the help of a wonderful Christian family counselor who is walking me through this process.

Back to the point at hand - I got this particular book out this morning because I can feel myself "slipping" again. It's almost as if the pit of depression calls out to me or something. My feet always seem to be so close to the edge, and it feels sometimes as if I can't get far enough away to not slide back. As I picked up the book and my Bible, a Bible bookmark fell out of my Bible that had been given to me by a friend this past Thursday night. Jerri is one of the incredible women in my small group, and she had brought back these bookmarks from Italy and had given one to each of us. There is a picture of St. Francis of Assisi on the front, and the prayer he penned on the back.

A Simple Prayer

Lord, makeme an instrument of your peace
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is discord, unity.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is error, truth.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is sadness, joy.
Where there is darkness, light.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled, as to console.
To be understood, as to understand.
To be loved, as to love.

For
It is in giving, that we receive.
It is in pardoning, that we are pardoned.
It is in dying, that we are born to eternal life.

I've heard and read this prayer before, but it struck a deeper cord in me this morning. As I allow God to deliver me from my pit, and as I work daily on not falling back into the pit, I need to be careful not to focus solely on myself. Yes, in my healing, I need to have some focus on myself in order to get healthy. I've learned to say "no" where I used to only say yes. I've taken a step back from some obligations in order to allow God to heal and rejuvenate me. But this morning I felt Him saying to me that remember that it is in giving that I will receive. As He heals me, I want to work on understanding, loving and giving.

Laid Back

"Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits." Satchel Paige

The morning after Halloween....can't believe it's November. Can't believe I have this much candy left. I read a friend's blog this morning that touched on some of what I have been feeling regarding the passages of time and how our kids grow up.

Last night it was just Andy and I for most of the evening. How many times have we wished for a night to ourselves??? Ironically, we were both missing our kids last night. Casie has been away from us on Halloween for 3 years now, so we're somewhat adjusted. As a junior in college, she'd probably laugh if I told her I still missed not being a part of her festivities. Lindsey, who is in 6th grade, had announced earlier this year that she was too old to trick or treat, and the plan was for her to pass out candy at our door. A last minute party thrown by one of her friends helped her decide that trick or treating wasn't too passe for her just yet, as this girl's father was loading up several girls in a hay filled trailerand pulling them behind his four wheeler through the neighborhood for trick or treating.

I made the usual pot of chili (our traditional meal has always been chili or chili dogs on Halloween...easy meal, which has always been necessary before the festivities of the night). Andy had the yard ghoulishly decorated with a cemetery and some awesome cobwebs, we hooked up the XM and left it on the "Halloween station" for the eerie effect. We had pumpkins, a scarecrow and various other decorations all on the porch. Andy was quite sad when his beloved fog machine wouldn't work. If you've ever seen a grown man with slumped shoulders and a look of defeat, then you know what he looked like last night. He can fix almost anything...but this fog machine wasn't cooperating at all.

We were both happy knowing that our girls were with friends and having a good time. Casie was dressed as a flapper and going to a costume party with some of her friends. She had filled over 60 goody bags for her fellow sorority sisters, and had her apartment all decorated with Halloween things she had borrowed from home. I'm proud of her for her good choices in friends, for never being too "big" for fun, and for her generosity in making the goody bags for her sisters. But it still tugs on my heartstrings that I am not helping her get into her costume, or around to take pictures of her and her friends. She did call me for advice on how much candy to buy, and where I thought she could pick up another boa, as she left hers that went with her costume at home. So, I'm still needed! And that makes me smile. And with digital pictures, texting, facebooking, etc...I will be able to look at her pictures sometime today.

We were a tad disappointed that Linds wasn't hanging with us...but we were so glad that she was out having a wonderful time. Her group of girlfriends are awesome, and I really mean that. They have wonderful parents too. I knew she'd be with a great group of people, and having a wholesome and fun time. We had hosted this same group of girls a couple of weekends ago for our own Halloween party, and then they had all been at a different Halloween party last Saturday. So they've enjoyed the festivities almost the entire month. But it was a tad bittersweet that all the girls left school together and got ready at the host house. I missed the craziness of "Where's my gloves?", "Mom...my costume ripped", "Mom...I can't get the zipper to work"....you know, all those frantic moments when your help is necessary.

We answered the door to 56 trick or treaters in all. We usually have more, but most churches in the area were hosting carnivals, which is great. All in all, it was a quiet night, and I wasn't sure that I enjoyed Halloween being quiet. One of the highlights of the evening was the 2 trick or treaters who are grandchildren of one of my dearest friends. Mom and Dad brought them by, and they were adorable. We loaded them up on extra candy and thanked them for coming over to our neighborhood. Hmmmm...some of my friends are grandparents. I'm realizing more and more each day that time passes so quickly, and I'd better adjust to these changes in life or I'll be left behind.

I called my friend who lives out of town to report on how precious her two grandchildren were in their costumes, and there was a little sadness in her voice as well. She was proud and happy that I had been able to see them, but sad that she was missing out.

I guess we're all having to adjust to life's changes.

This morning I think I'll bag up the extra candy to send to youth group tomorrow night. Or I'll be adjusting to the change of 10 extra pounds.