Beauty from Ashes

The girls and I made a quick trip to Memphis tonight for dinner and shopping.  We had to take a different route on the way back home to avoid a traffic jam.  I found myself driving a road I had not driven in about a year.  As the memories of a year ago came flooding over me, I had to smile and I had to thank God for being my Healer and my Counselor.
It was during this very season last year that I was going through the most painful time of my life to date...the end of my 23 year old marriage.   At the encouragement of my family counselor, I sought out a DivorceCare recovery group at a church in Memphis.  Every Tuesday night, I would make the 45 minute drive to this support group...where I met a roomful of both women and men, going through the same devastation, rejection and broken dreams that I was going through.  Our circumstances led us to form a tight knit bond throughout those 12 weeks.  I saw that I wasn't the only one hurting so deeply, and in that room full of raw emotional wounds and pain, I found God's healing power in a way that I had never known.
I remember feeling and thinking that the wounds would never heal, and that I would never be the same as I had before.  Well, the truth is....I can honestly say that the wounds do heal...some of them have definitely healed, some are still healing.  It is also true that I will never be the same again, and I am now okay with that.  I am better than "okay" with that.  I have learned so much about the depth and power of God's faithfulness, His healing, His mercies and His grace. Yes, my wounds have healed...and there are scars.  But the scars to me are not something to be sad over, they are something to rejoice over.  
Back to the road I was driving on earlier tonight....as I said, it was a year ago that I would drive that road.  It was a year ago that I could barely see the road for my tears.  It was a year ago that I sat in the church parking lot, terrified to take that first step into the group...terrified to open my soul to strangers.  It was a year ago that I was racked by sobs in that same parking lot...beating my steering wheel out of sheer frustration at what I could not control.  It was a year ago that I faithfully made that drive, walked up that long staircase into the room with a group of strangers with whom I would find trust, honesty and healing.  Fast forward to this evening and I am driving that road with a smile on my face.   I am remembering all the people who told me that yes, I would get through this, and that I would be find peace and happiness again.  I am remembering all the times I made that drive when I would say aloud "God, I believe You are healing me...I don't feel it, but I believe it, and I trust in it." In the next breath I would cry out "When God, when????!!!! When will I ever stop hurting?"
I had to walk through the fire....I had to face the pain.  It hurt, it was ugly, it was deep, it was raw, it was demanding, it was tiring and it was VERY long.  I still have steps to take. But as I drove tonight laughing, singing, talking with the girls....I was reminded that beauty DOES come from ashes. I have the beauty of a deeper relationship with the Lord.  I feel as if all of my relationships have deepened.  My heart is no longer heavy...and THAT is beauty.

The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me...
To comfort all who mourn, To console those who mourn...
To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning,
The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.  Isaiah 61:2-3
    

Catch a Wave

Well, summer is winding down.  Not temperature-wise, it's still blazin' hot here.  But school will be starting in 16 days and for us, that means summer is winding down.
We had a WONDERFUL family vacation in Destin this year.  All of my good intentions regarding writing about our vacation and various other summer activities obviously went by the wayside.  I think Father's Day was when I last took time to write.
Our trip to Destin was in honor of my parents' 50th wedding anniversary, which is actually next month.  Instead of a traditional "Golden Anniversary" party or reception, they really just wanted all of us to be together. They rented a beautiful house on the beach and those of us who could get away for the week, spent that time hanging out together, talking, laughing, playing games, and soaking up that wonderful beachy feeling of total relaxation.
I really enjoyed being able to "get away"...from work, from responsibilities, from pressures and worries for that week.  I enjoyed spending time with my parents, my siblings, my nephews and niece, and especially my two daughters.  It was a week of more healing for me....the healing that comes with being able to destress, of being able to connect with God in HIS world, to thank Him for His creation; of being able to talk and share, to laugh until my sides hurt.
I always like to read, and I packed a novel for the beach, and I also threw in a devotional book titled "Healing the Divorced Heart".  It was a book I had purchased a few weeks beforehand, but had planned on keeping it for the trip.  I didn't even notice until I was unpacking upon arrival that the cover had a woman walking on the beach.  I couldn't help but smile.  There really is something healing about being near the water...there is a serenity that comes with watching the waves and just letting God's love pour over you.
One of the afternoons when I ventured into the water, the surf was fairly rough.  Wave after wave kept knocking us down.  My sister, Terri, grabbed my hand, and helped me up after one rather ungraceful wipeout.  Coming up out of the water, laughing and sputtering, covered in sand and seaweed....she helped me walk without falling so much.  Then right as my confidence built up, a big wave would come and sweep me off my feet.  She related the waves knocking me down to the waves in life.  She said "Don't let these waves keep you down.  Get back up...keep walking.  When one knocks you down, just stand up and start again." As we walked the waves together, hand in hand, (except when we would get swept away) I thought of the symbolism my younger sis so wisely pointed out.  So many things in life DO knock us down.  The important thing is to get back up.  And what a blessing it is when there is someone beside you, reaching out their hand to help you get your footing again. With every wave that we conquered that day, I felt stronger.  By the time we got past the point where the waves were crashing, they were just pleasant waves, bouncing us up and down.  We stayed out there and talked for awhile.
I hope that as I continue on my life journey, that I always do get back up when I am knocked down.  I hope I always remember that God has His hand held out...all I need to do is take hold and allow Him to pull me back up.  And I pray that I always have my eyes open to the family and friends who also are jumping the waves with me, hands outstretched to help me along....and also that my eyes are open to those who need MY hand stretched out towards them.

I can honestly say that I am thankful for waves....the wonderful fun waves that knock you down, the calming waves that lull you to sleep, the majestic waves that make you so aware of God's awesome creation, the waves in life that knock you down but make you stronger, the waves of God's love and healing that pour out over you, the gentle and lapping waves that come after those rough ones, and for the family and friends who will take your hand and help you battle the waves and get back up each time.

My Dad

The man in this picture is a man of integrity...a man with a love for the Lord...a man of unconditional love...a man of loyalty....a man of hard work....a man of dedication....a man with a sense of humor...a man with a generous spirit....a man of patience...a man of quiet stubbornness....a man who loves to have a good time with family and friends....a man who is happy to help....a man who has a mischieveous twinkle in his eye....a man who is steadfast...a man who loves to teach and lead others...a family man....the maker of pancakes....the loose tooth puller....the bedtime story reader (he even does special voices)...the bike riding teacher and later .the teenage driving instructor (sorry for being a slow learner, Dad)...the Dad/Poppy/Popper/Pop who will rough house and wrestle with you (and sometimes get both or all of you into trouble)...the comforter of skinned knees and broken hearts....the one who reads National Geographic, watches the Discovery Channel and the History Channel and passed the love of those things onto me....the sports watcher....the man who loves "The Dirty Dozen" and "Kelly's Heroes" no matter how many times he sees those....the man who loves leading others in Bible study and teaching Sunday School....the man who loves being on the golf course or studying family history and genealogy....the man who loves a good joke and a corny one...the man you want on your Trivial Pursuit team....the man who will give you advice when asked, but never force it on you...the man whom I am blessed to call "Dad".  I love you, Dad!

Joy Comes In The Morning

The girls and I just arrived home from a wonderful week at Miramar Beach in Destin. This was a week with extended family, to celebrate my parents' 50th wedding anniversary later this year.  Instead of the traditional reception, they really wanted a week of family togetherness, with their 3 kids and families.  So those of us who could make it, hit the road to Florida.

I fully intended to blog daily while I was there, but we our cell phone reception and internet reception was spotty at best.  I can honestly say, that although I didn't like parts of being "unplugged" from the world, I found myself not missing it nearly as much as I thought I would have.

I would usually find myself downstairs by 7:30 or so each morning, and would take my cup of coffee to the deck and just sit....mesmerized by the sights and sounds of God's creation.  There is something so soothing about being on the beach, especially in the early hours or evening hours, when the crowds are sparse.


I found myself unplugging not just from the laptop and cellphone, but from my fears, wounds, worries and problems.  I found myself plugging into the simplicity of sitting on the deck, or down on the beach, and allowing myself to just "be still".

In addition to the fun and craziness of being with my family, I needed the respite from the worries and stresses that often keep me awake at night.  I needed a week where I could feel the embrace of familial love and healing.  God has brought me so far on the healing journey after my divorce.  There have been so many days when I just didn't know how to put one foot in front of the other.  But God's healing and grace, along with the support of love of my family and friends, and the counsel of some very wise and godly people have helped me along.

As I would sit and drink my coffee while watching the waves, I can honestly say that I can testify to God's promise in Psalms that "weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." There are still wounds, therefore still healing to be done.  But God has brought me to the place where I can feel the morning....the return of joy.

Memorial Day

Memorial Day, for so many of us, marks the beginning of our summer season.  However, it is so much more than a 3 day weekend...so much more than our first trip to the lake or pool...so much more than our first sunburn....so much more than a day at the ballpark or waterpark....so much more than the picnics, fireworks and food we will grill today.
We are able to enjoy all of these things because of the wonderful freedom we have to do so.  Our men and women in the military make so many sacrifices for us, and while I consider myself patriotic, I know that I, too, can be guilty of taking my freedom for granted, and not always being cognizant of those who have fought and sacrificed so that I am able to enjoy the small things in life....
So while I enjoy firing up the grill today, while I savor the fresh peaches over ice cream and the first watermelon of the season, while I enjoy my time with my girls and their friends...I am going to be more mindful and aware of the deep gratitude I have for our military.
Let's enjoy our day with friends and family....enjoy the burgers and hot dogs....enjoy the lake or pool...enjoy the ballgames or the war movies on tv today....and let's remember to say a prayer of thanks for those who have given so we may enjoy.

Forever and Always

In May 1988 I was celebrating my first Mother's Day as a mom. I remember my mother handing me a copy of this book "I'll Love You Forever" while we were standing in my Momo's living room in Atkins.  We had all gathered there on a Saturday in May. My parents had driven from Texas to Arkansas to celebrate Mother's Day with both of their own mothers.  We were living in Little Rock at that time, and made the drive to Atkins to spend a day with the family.  I remember being filled with pride and joy as we arrived in Atkins with my firstborn in my arms.  I also remember her being whisked away by all the women....my mom, grandmother, great-grandmother, aunts and my sister.  I probably didn't have her in my arms again until the first dirty diaper of the day. 

I don't remember what gift I had for my mom on that particular Mothers Day, but I do remember her giving me this book.  And I remember reading the book over and over to my daughter, Casie, and then years later, to my daughter, Lindsey.  It's a wonderful story about the unconditional love a mother has for her child.  But it's so much more than a story written for children.  It's really a story written ABOUT mothers, how they love their children, and how that love, so unconditional and strong, is returned to them.

The verse that is repeated throughout the story is:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be. 

I always felt that from my mom.  I've never doubted that her love is a "forever and always" kind of love for me.  But I truly had no idea of the depth of that love until I became a mother myself.  And on that Mothers Day weekend in May, when my mom handed me that book, and I read it, I remember tears welling up in my eyes, and I got it.  Even though I had only been a mother for a few short months, I already knew that I would love this child (and her sister years later) unconditionally.  I had already experienced the feeling of "I can't possibly love this much" to realizing my love, already so big, was continuing to grow each and every day.  When I was pregnant with my second child, the wellspring of motherly love simply continued to grow deeper still.

One of the sweetest parts about this book, is that no matter whether the child is a sweet baby, terrible toddler, mischievous child, rebellious teenager, or self absorbed adult...the mother still wants to rock the child and hold him in her arms.  And the funny part of the book is her climbing into his window when he's asleep, and doing just that.  There are fewer things more precious than being held in  your mother's arms, or holding  your own children in your arms.  Once you've experienced that deep nurturing feeling of a mother's arms, you don't even have to be geographically close to feel those arms around you.  I can feel my mother's embrace being several hundred miles away.  I have friends who have lost their mothers who can still feel that embrace.

The book ends with the grown man climbing into his aging mother's window one night, holding her in his arms and singing that song to her that she sang to him.  The love and the embrace come full circle.

Casie and Lindsey...I hope you know my love for each of you  is forever and always.

Thank you Mom, for all the love and embracing.  I hope you feel it coming back to you full circle and even more.

I hope that everyone feels that embrace...whether you are with your mother or not.  She loves you forever.

Grand Ladies

It’s only a couple of days from Mother’s Day, and I’ve been doing alot of reflecting on the women in my life. I plan on writing more about this and my own mother in the next day or so.



Today I want to take a minute to honor the “grand” ladies in my life. I came into the world with a “Ma” (one great great grandmother), a “Momo” (great grandmother), a “Mama May” (another great grandmother), a “Mimi” (grandmother) and a “Gran’mom (grandmother). Was I doted on by a small army of women??? You bet!

I never really knew “Ma”, she passed away before I got the chance. My Mama May, Momo, and Mimi all lived in the small town of Atkins. My Gran’mom lived in Russellville and then Little Rock. My feisty Gran’mom lives in my hometown of Grand Prairie, Texas now…just a few minutes from Mom and Dad. Sadly, all the others have passed. Fortunately for me, I am blessed with a treasure chest of memories, feminine strength and grit, and lots of love.

We all have stories of the people who have touched us. Just like yours, mine are stories filled with both tragedy and joy, failures and successes, strengths and weaknesses, solemnity and humor, and I am blessed to say “a whole lotta love”.

I’ve had times in life where I’ve had to be strong and “pull myself up by the bootstraps” so to speak. I totally give God the credit for any strength I have had when I didn’t think I could go on; but God has also used the legacy of women in my life to remind me of the strength I come from. Between them, they are women who survived illnesses, the Great Depression, and World Wars. These are women who survived the death of a child, which no one should have to do; who struggled to feed their families, but did; who survived job losses and crop losses; who survived raising a family while their husband was overseas fighting in a war. These are women whose hands have picked cotton, planted gardens, crocheted slippers for about a hundred great grandchildren, who have quilted, who have nursed the sick for generations, who have sewn, who have crafted, who have made homemade pie crusts and biscuits, who have run a business, worked in a factory, driven across country, milked cows, given many spanking and even more hugs, who have turned the pages of treasured books and their well worn Bibles.

These are also the women who while being incredibly strong, have given me some of the most tender moments….dipping orange sherbet into a bowl on a hot summer’s day, making my favorite meal of chicken and dumplins when I came for a visit, playing with me and reading to me when I was little, letting me “sit in” on a quilting bee when I was young (and with my very own quilting square), clapping whenever I sang ANY song at all (and no matter how off key that might be), listening to me talk about boys, teaching me to shell purple hull peas, making my favorite oatmeal cookies, driving from Arkansas to Texas to see me in ballgames, concerts, recitals or plays.

I wish I could share all the stories that are so precious and dear, but time and space do not allow. But a tiny peek into their worlds….two of these matriarchs would go fishing together and impress their families with their “catch”. The funny part is, they would secretly stop by a fish market after a day of not even having a nibble on their poles and bring home their fish….presented, I’m sure, with a twinkle in their mischievous eyes. One had an elderly man come visit her in the hospital during her final days to pay his respects, because as a young boy he stopped by the store she ran, and she would give him a Baby Ruth candy bar each day, knowing he had no money. Her kindness was emblazoned in his memory. Another, drove twin infant boys from Florida to New Jersey in the hot summer of 1942, while her husband was away in a war. She had a clothes line stretched across the inside of the car where she would hang the cloth diapers to dry, and she stopped at a farm once to milk a cow and pasteurized the milk herself to feed to her boys when she ran out of milk on the way.

These are the women who taught my parents how to love and parent, who in turn taught me to love and parent. I am grateful and I am blessed.

Water, Worry, Weariness and Wisdom

Well, April has come and gone and I didn't write one word on my blog.  There isn't one particular reason as to my absence...there are actually a few reasons.

Every now and then, I wonder if my blog is a tad self-indulgent.  I started writing as both a creative release and a form of emotional therapy.  Since I write for myself, every now and then I worry that I might be boring anyone who reads.  I eventually get over it, and realize that yes, it may be self-indulgent, but it is good for me.  Good for my soul and good for clearing out the cobwebs in my head.

Although I haven't written, alot has gone on, and I've  been caught up in the normal routine and chaos of life...and in all honesty, sometimes I am just too tired at the end of a day to reflect much.  April was a busy month....I had a wonderful birthday celebration, a family reunion, and the celebration of Easter.  I've been able to spend some wonderful time with family (even if too short).  We've had some scary weather here this month, and now everyone in my area is worried about the rising levels of the Mississippi.  Many towns and highways are flooded in our state and surrounding states.  Not a day goes by without the conversation being dominated by talk of the rising waters of the Mississippi, other local rivers and the levee that protects our town.

I've found myself struggling with both worry and weariness the past few weeks.  While I am redefining and rediscovering myself at this stage in life as I adapt to being a single mom and a single woman, I also find that I am just sometimes worn out.  Physically, emotionally and mentally...I have just been tired. I miss not having another person to share worries with, to help ease the load, to bounce ideas, thoughts and feelings of off.  I don't mean to whine...it's just where I am at on some days.

However, God seems to give me a second wind just when I really need it.  Our stormy weather has turned to sunshine the last couple of days, and we are forecasted to have a few more days like this.  My daughters, always so thoughtful and so giving of themselves, made me feel like a million bucks on my birthday.  Then on Easter morning, right next to their Easter baskets, was a beautiful and thoughtful basket made for me.  We have had some wonderful mother/daughter time this past month which has been rich with love, warmth and laughter.  We cherish one another...and THAT is what puts a song in my heart and energy back in my steps when I am feeling worn down.  My wonderful Circle of Friends, the amazing small group of women I am blessed to be friends and Bible study partners with, are meeting tomorrow for dinner and study, and that always perks me up.

Sitting in my email inbox this morning were these words...."When it looks like you're at a dead-end...keep on gong.  It just might be a hallway with a corner."  What a wonderful pearl of wisdom for my soul this morning.  My worries often leave me feeling like I am at a dead-end.  When I can't see the next step in front of me right away, I struggle with feelings of defeat. I need to be reminded sometimes (often) that God always has a plan, and His ways are not my ways, and His timing is always perfect...even when I wish it were sooner  (or immediate).  This verse was also in my inbox next to my little nugget of wisdom:

           "No eye has seen, no ear has heard,
            no mind has conceived what God
            has prepared for those who love Him." 1 Corinthians 2:9

I'm not sure what God has planned for me next, but I know it's going to be good!

New Growth

I'm trying something new this spring that I've never really tried before....I'm starting plants from seeds I have purchased and I've planted them in peat pots and have them on trays on the kitchen table for now.  I've sowed seeds directly into the ground before, and have had very mixed results.

But as far as planting a large number and variety of seeds this way, hoping to transplant them into larger pots, and then into the ground is something new to me.  I'm in the mood to try new things this year.  Plus, I'm on a much tighter budget these days, and seeds are alot less expensive than actual plants purchased at a nursery.  Of course, I know I'll end up purchasing a few established plants at my local nursery, because I'm too impatient to wait for results...I like bringing home a pretty plant, popping it into the ground or a container and enjoying that instant gratification of beauty in the yard.  But I'm limiting my plant purchases this year, and going to see how I do with the Great Seed Growing/Patience Growing/Budget Friendly Experiment of 2011.

I planted a large tray of seeds exactly 6 days ago.  I have one variety that is already grown about 3 inches and is just taking off.  I have another variety that are up about an inch and straining towards the sunlight coming through the window.  Two other varieties are still hiding in the soil, not peeking through yet.  I have to say that I enjoy looking at the tray each day to see if I can spot more green poking through the soil and I get tickled when a tiny little plant makes it way through.

In some ways, I feel like these little seedlings, even though I'm (cough) 47.  At times, I'm extremely aware of my middle age....I wake up with a little more stiffness these days; even with bifocals, I find myself holding something I am trying to read closer to my face, pulling away from my face, pulling closer again...over and over until I find "that spot" where the words are clear; I think about things like cholesterol and digestion; and comfort is more important than cuteness in shoes now.  At other times, I turn on my classic rock station and sing along at the top of my lungs and feel 18 again, or I realize I know most of the words to the music my girls like and I realize that I'm thankfully not "out of touch" at 47.  I definitely wish I had the energy I did when I was 18.  I enjoy hanging out with my daughters and their friends, mainly because I love them all, but also, they help keep me energized.  But as I mentioned earlier, I feel like a little seedling right now in some ways.

I'm experiencing new growth at this stage in my life...definitely not a bad thing, but growth in a way I didn't expect.  I'm learning how to be single after spending most of my life married.  I'm learning how to let go of my need for control and let God take control  Yeah...that one is pretty hard. I'm learning that the sun always comes out eventually, that healing always comes, and that although we shouldn't sweat the small stuff, it's often the small things that bring us the most happiness.  I'm learning that being rich in life has nothing to do with money.  I'm learning although I have many flaws, weaknesses , that although I have had failures and will most likely have more, that God is ever faithful and never falters in His grace and love.  I'm learning that family and friends are what makes life worthwhile and beautiful.  I'm learning that everything I'm learning makes me feel more alive each day.  My seedlings need soil to establish their roots, they need nourishment and they need the sun.  Each day, the frail little stems and new leaves reach towards the light that streams in through my kitchen window.  They are still tender and delicate, and not strong enough to be transplanted just yet.

And just like my seedlings, I find myself needing fertile soil for my roots to grow.  I need and cherish my time alone with God...my times of prayer, digging into His word, and times of reflection.  My roots are getting stronger everyday.  The more time I spend with Him, the more nourishment I get.  I find myself straining towards the Light, especially after having spent a rather lengthy time feeling like I was in the darkness.  Although I did have some very dark days, I realize now that some of that time when I was in the dark, was actually a time of being planted like a seed.  God was sowing me in His soil, I was being tended to by His mercy and grace,  and covered with by His Healing Hands.  Now, after alot of the Father's TLC, I am breaking through and able to grow above ground.  I'm still very tender, fragile in some ways.  But stronger than I was a year ago.  I'm not quite ready to be transplanted just yet, but I hope that by continuing to allow myself to be nurtured by the Father, that I will flourish in my new growth, and will be strong enough to allow myself to be transplanted into this new phase of life, with growth that others can see.  I hope that wherever God plants me, that I will be able to grow and blossom and be a testament to God's amazing love, grace, mercy and healing.

More Than a Song

I had a wonderful Saturday hanging out with my oldest daughter, Casie.  We went to Wye Mountain, where a small country church has planted thousands and thousands of daffodils on their hillside.  It's open to the public to walk around and take pictures.  It was a gorgeous sunny spring day, and we enjoyed both the drive and the outdoors.  We had time for wonderful mom/daughter talks...topics ranging from serious to funny to the frivolous (the cute fashions this spring).  I kept hoping the radio would play a song I had been telling her about, but KLOVE must  have played it each time we were out of the car, because we never heard it on the drive.



Is there a song that really grabs you?  Music does that for me alot, and I like several different genres. If you listened to my cds, iPod playlist, or followed my XM activity - you would think I have multiple personalities when it comes to music.  I can go from Michael Buble to Aerosmith to Allison Krause to Casting Crowns to Rod Stewart to Sugarland without batting an eye.  And don't forget Motown or the Broadway showtunes!  So many times, a song is more than "just" a song to us. It touches us so deeply, we listen or sing along to it as if it were intended for us - to tell our story, or to tell how we feel.   One that has really touched me the last couple of weeks is a Christian song. If you haven't heard the song "Blessings" by Laura Story, you need to listen to it on her website, KLOVE, or youtube.  This song has touched me in such a personal and intense way, as I'm sure it has many.  It's just that kind of song....grabs you by the heart.



The lyrics are so powerful and true...especially the chorus:

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

These lyrics move me...it's that simple.  I've had more tears and sleepless nights than I can count...but I've also had more blessings and mercies than I can count as well.  We all go through times and events in life that devastate us...and we may wonder if the pain or the trial will ever go away.  One wonderful thing I have experienced over and over is that yes, the pains in life run deep....BUT God's blessings, healing, nearness and mercies run even deeper still. 

I'm in awe of God's provision for us. 

Making All Things New

We're getting into the middle of March, and spring is officially right around the corner.  My yard is currently a combination of dead winter grass, mud from the rains, bare limbed trees begging to be pruned...but also there is new green grass peeking through, buds on the bare trees, and the early-bird specials are blooming.  I have daffodils, hyacinth and forsythia greeting me in the midst of my neglected winter yard.

I'm ready for more sunshine and warmer weather.  I'm ready to put on the gloves and start cleaning out the stuff that needs to be cleaned out.  I'm ready for the plants that are peeking up out of the ground to have room to burst forth and grow.

Spring is a wonderful time...the earth starts to bounce back from the dead of winter and is full of life again.  My dear friend Vicki and I have been listening to the birds chattering and singing outside our office windows and door this week.  Even though I haven't made the time yet to put cleanup effort into my yard, the signs of new life can't be stopped. 

A favorite passage of mine is "See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come." Song of Solomon 2: 11-12.  I often wondered if this verse would still have meaning for me, at one time in my life, 25 years ago, it was a special verse, shared between my ex-husband and me.  It had very personal meaning for the two of us, and many things that were personal and meaningful to us as a couple, I have found too painful to embrace in my singleness.

But the amazing thing I am reminded of is that the Scriptures are holy.  They are God's words.  Not mine, not my former husband's.  This passage is still one of my favorites, but my reasons have changed.  God's words and promises have not. 

I wondered if my season of winter would ever end.  And I am speaking of the winter in my heart, and in my soul.  God has done some amazing winter cleanup throughout my entire life, but over the last 3 years, there has been more clean up than ever.  I am coming up out of the mud, struggling to bloom..but with God's healing, I shall.  A part of me has felt "dead" for a long time.  Sometimes we feel dead to avoid pain, or sometimes the deadness is a numbing that happens as a result of too much pain.  Whatever it was for me, (and I'm sure it was both at different times)...the deadness is changing and being replaced with new life.  I know I'm not completely over the grief of a broken family after 23 years, but I feel the restoration.  I see signs of spring in my soul.  God has been replacing old thoughts with new ones, old emotions with new and healed emotions, a dead heart with a heart full of life, a broken soul with a soul that wants to continually seek Him. 

I am reading a book called Desire: The Journey We Must Take to Find the Life God Offers by John Eldredge. There is a chapter entitled "The Great Restoration" in which the author talks about spring returning to our souls.  I love the poem he quotes:

                 Grief melts away
                 Like snow in May
                 As if there were no such cold thing.
                 Who would've thought my shrivel'd heart
                 Could have recover'd greennesse?  It was gone
                  quite underground.

                 And now in age I bud again,
                 After so many deaths I live and write;
                 I once more smell the dew and rain,
                 And relish versing: O my only light
                 It cannot be
                 that I am he
                 On whom they tempests fell all night.

                                                  ('The Flower' George Herbert)


Eldredge questions the reader "Can it really happen?  Can our lives be green again?"  He also goes on to point out that we have practically accepted the winter of our life for what is is, striving to find life wherever we can.  That is very true of me in my divorce recovery.  I have intentionally recognized that I have to accept this season in my life, embrace it, honor it, grieve it, but still move forward looking for life where I can.  However, in my intentional journey of healing, one thing I overlooked is that spring always comes.  Oh, I know this in the back of my mind.  I know this in my heart.  I know that God is always at work.  But I still am surprised when I see the first daffodil poking through the muddy wintry ground.  I still love driving home each day and finding something new and colorful that has emerged.  And I love waking up in the mornings and finding that I am joyful and smiling and healing more than I am hurting now; and peaceful in the knowledge that when I do hurt (and yes, life will always have hurts for us all) that God is already there...comforting, soothing, healing and restoring. 

The Perils of Penelope Pitstop

One of my favorite Saturday morning cartoons from when I was a little girl was the show "The Perils of Penelope Pitstop".  I remember being extremely impressed by her cool car, and the way that she never showed distress in her unending predicaments.  Sure, she might call out "H-E-E-E-L-P" in her southern voice, but she usually was formulating her own plan for escape (along with the help of her friends, The Ant Hill Gang)  Sylvester Sneekly, disguised as the "Hooded Claw" was the villain, out to destroy Penelope.

The show would usually start out with "Last time we left Penelope, she was in the clutches of the Hooded Claw".  And that poor girl just seemed to go from one peril to another...nonstop drama I tell you.  Of course, no harm ever came to Penelope, and the show would usually end with the Hooded Claw saying "I'll get you Penelope Pitstop".

Since life is fluid and life is constantly changing, we go through smooth times and we go through rocky times.  Often during the rockier times, I feel as if I'm a "Penelope", going from one peril to another.  Just as Penelope would usually end up tied to a railroad track, or tied up in chair, and unable to move; I sometimes feel as if I'm bound by the problems in life and a big ol' train is bearing down on me.  That's not just life for me, that's life for all of us.  We all have Sylvester Sneeklys in our lives...they need not be people, they can just be life's problems.

Life can be a roller coaster, full of ups and downs.  But the reassuring promise we have, as believers, is that God is bigger than any problems in our life.  He is bigger than addictions, divorce, disease, failures, problems with our kids, struggles with friendships, financial worries, career worries, the loss of someone we love.  Whatever it is that life throws at us...He is bigger than.  God doesn't manipulate us like puppets on a string, He doesn't prevent anything bad from ever happening in our lives.  But He does promise that He will be with us.

I love Exodus 14:13-14 where we are told "Do not be afraid, Stand firm and you will the deliverance the Lord will bring you today....the Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still."

Penelope never seemed to panic as I mentioned before.  She would be still and call out "H-E-E-E-L-P" (I just love the way she did that in her southern drawl, making the one syllable word two syllables!) That's what I need to do when I feel are bound by my problems, be still, and call out "Help" to the Lord. 

I was reminded of this as I was reading from "Jesus Calling"....and I quote, "..humbly bring Me in your prayers and petitions.  Your problems will pale when you view them in the Light of My Presence.  And right before I read those words, I had a friend tell me to "give myself a break, turn it over to HIM and BREATHE."

The good news is that not only is God right there beside me, but unlike Penelope, I am not in the clutches of the Hooded Claw.  I'm in the Hands of my Savior.

Hide and Seek

My morning started off in a less than favorable way. After being awakened by my lab, Cocoa, I groggily got up at 5:50 this morning to let out the dogs. About 5 minutes later, when I opened the back door to let them, 2 eagerly came running and 1 was missing. I stepped out onto the deck and began to call for Beau. No movement, no sound. Not good. Especially after remembering that there is a spot by our gate where a small dog can easily squeeze through.

Beau is Casie's dog, a sweet rescue dog that she got from the Animal Shelter. Beau had been rescued from an animal hoarding situation, and we all fell in love with him. The intention was for Beau to be living with Casie in her apartment in Conway, but new management moved in, and pets are no longer allowed. Hence, Beau is staying with me (his doggy grandmom) for the time being.

Cutting to the chase..Beau was found. But not until after I had climbed into my car with pjs, slippers, a really bad case of bedhead, and doggie treats to entice Beau should I find him wandering the neighborhood. I drove all around our streets, windows down, calling out his name. It wasn't until I pulled back into our driveway, worried and plotting a new strategy that I saw Beau, standing on the side of our house, barking at our gate hoping to get back in. I'm not sure where he had been hiding, but I was certainly glad he was back.

After my search, worry, and relief and joy in having found Beau...I began to think. I thought about how many times God has sought me out when I have gone AWOL. I thought about my relationships with others....do I search for them, seeking them out if they have taken a step backwards or have theoretically "run away" or have "hidden" from our friendship? Or am I too busy, neglectful, or just assuming that they will "return" when they are ready? How guilty am I of taking relationships for granted?

Maybe Beau wasn't running away. Maybe he was just on a stroll through the neighborhood to see what was going on. But if I can jump in my car with bedhead and pj's, searching for a dog...surely I can take the time to continually seek out my Savior, and to make sure that I am cognizant of what is going on in my family members' and my friends' lives. So, I've been reflective all day long...thinking about my role in relationships.

So if we haven't talked in awhile, don't be surprised if one morning you get an early phone call or hear a knock on your door and find me standing in pj's, with bedhead and a cup of coffee.

Broken, Healing and Loving

Everyone goes through pain in their life at some point or another, and most of us, if not all, will experience a broken heart at some point. Our hearts can break for reasons other than a failed relationship or, in my case, marriage.

In all honesty, I was dreading this day. I've always been a sappy sentimentalist when it comes to Valentine's Day. I'm a sucker for a card, fresh flowers...and I drool at the sight of chocolate. (and yes, I'm wiping Dove chocolate from the corner of my mouth as I type) I love the candlelight dinners, the ooey gooey poetry and all that stuff. I was proposed to on Valentines Day way back in what seems like the ancient year of 1985, and it was a wonderfully romantic proposal, so my brain kept dredging up THAT memory. All in all, my normally chipper mood began to darken...and I found myself wanting to smash every heart and Cupid that I began to see this month.

However, in my continual endeavor to be proactive and not let my moods or feelings dictate my life, I decided to embrace Valentine's Day this year. I decorated my mantle in the living room with red candles, made a pretty nice silk arrangement of gorgeous red flowers (if I do say so myself), brought out the decorations I've used in the past, hung my small Valentines garden flag in the front, and placed a heart wreath on the porch. On the days I didn't want to smash my red and pink items, I found them to be rather happy looking. And I began to remind myself that love IS something I enjoy in my life, and I plan on keeping it there.

I may not currently have a soulmate or romantic love in my life, and I'm not sure, in all honesty, if I'll find that again. I hope I do. But....regardless of that status, I am blessed...because I AM LOVED AND I DO STILL LOVE.

I am totally in love with motherhood, and with my girls. I have the love of parents, a grandmother, siblings, sister in law, brother in law and awesome nieces and nephews that bring me immense joy. I have friends that absolutely rock my world. I have so many amazing people in my life, and I treasure the chance to love them and be loved in return.

Most of all, I have the love of my Heavenly Father...who has so tenderly and gently caught every tear that I cried, held me in His gentle, yet strong and sheltering Hands. I was broken, but I am healing. I'm not all the way there yet...but that's okay. I've learned it's a journey more than a destination. And yes, I'm still loving.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

Sunshine!

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." - Steve Martin

My excitement over today's sunshine and warmer temps are hard to contain at this moment. While I love the changing of seasons, and getting to experience all four seasons...I'm a southern gal at heart, and this winter's snows have been a little much for me. I'm ready to say "adios" to the bitter cold, the inclement weather and overcast days. I am longing for sunshine and spring. We are entering a warming trend for the next several days which will have us hitting the 70 degree mark by the week's end, and this ol' chick couldn't be happier.

To shake off my winter doldrums, I've bought inexpensive bouquets of fresh tulips the last 3 weeks and placed them in a vase on my table. They're an instant mood-lifter. And I've been perusing flower and seed catalogs envisioning my dead brown yard of dirt and sticks transforming into a mini version of the Memphis Botanic Gardens. I've actually ordered seeds which have already arrived, and for those of you who know me, it will be an accomplishment if they make it from the seed packet to the soil. I tend to not have the patience for seeds, and end up buying established plants for the instant gratification. I'll still do that once the flowers hit the nurseries in a couple of months, but I'm working on practicing the discipline of patience, so I'm actually hoping to start my seeds this season, nurture them and watch them grow.

In some ways, I feel like a tender young seed...ironic, since I'm a middle aged woman. But having started a new phase in life, I'm in a phase of rediscovering and redefining who I am as a woman. I'm so glad that God isn't lacking in patience like I am! He's planted me in new soil at this part of my life...I've been uprooted from married life and transplanted into singlehood. My roots aren't sturdy or well-established yet, but I AM rooted in the soil of God's garden....He is providing me shelter, He is giving me nutrition, and He is helping my root system to grow. I'm anxious to see what blossoms in my new life, and I hope that I become the woman that God has designed me to be.

The Key

I don't know about everyone else, but for me, it is so easy to get off track. I can be humming along life quite nicely, when all of sudden, I realize that I'm off kilter, something is askew emotionally or spiritually, I've lost track of my goals, my schedule, I forget to contact that friend who might need an ear that day. I often ignore that little tugging within, and continue at my busy pace, doing life my own way...when all of a sudden I realize that my calm has been replaced with chaos, my peace has been ursurped with worries and fears, and when I stop for even a moment...I realize that I am the one responsible.

See...I know what it takes for me to live each day abundantly. It's "the Key". And for me, that means starting off my day earlier and taking time to be still, to read, to worship, to fellowship, to both talk AND listen to the Father. I'm not legalistic about rituals or scheduling at all...what works for me isn't necessarily what works for others. As long as we are spending time with God, He doesn't give a hoot what time of day it is. He simply says "Come...sit with me, let's spend time together." But for me, my days and my life overall seem to go much better when I start off with the Lord. I feel refreshed, lifted up, calmed, eager for the day, blessed, and my eyes and heart just seem to be more open to the people around me, and what they are going through or dealing with on that day.

I cease to be self-centered and become Christ-centered. And for me....THAT is the key.

Extreme Balance

It's early Saturday morning, and all is quiet. Coffee is brewed and I am about to sit and jot down my "to do" list for the weekend. I feel a little overwhelmed at many things that need to be done, and trying to fit in things that I "want" to do. I'm looking for that balance this weekend...the balance of accomplishing the menial tasks and also accomplishing a little "me" time.

A current trend in pop culture these days is "extreme"...."Extreme Makeovers", "Extreme Makeover Home Edition", "Extreme Sports", "Extreme Championship Fighting", "Extreme Videos", "Extreme Couponing" (yes..there IS a show on TLC), Animal Planet has "The Most Extreme", and I recently saw "The Most Extreme Hotels" on the Travel Channel. As if "Hoarders" weren't bad enough, we now have "Extreme Hoarders". We are a culture preoccupied with the word "extreme".

Webster's defines extreme as: 1) exisiting in a very high degree 2) going to great or exaggerated lengths 3) exceeding the ordinary, usual or expected.

For some reason, balance seems hard for me. And now I feel like I need "Extreme Balance". What's a gal to do?

For some reason, my personality is one that tends to go to extremes. I will either work myself to death on a weekend, only to find myself bone tired on Sunday night; or I will relax and "play" all weekend...enjoying books, movies, my girls, friends...but on Sunday will find myself running around to accomplish at least ONE thing that was on my to do list.

So this morning, I am looking for "Extreme Balance". I want to go to great lengths and exceed the usual in my time off. I want to mark off some tasks and mark off several chapters in one of the books I'm dying to read. I want to mark off the grocery shopping and also mark off a movie.

I'll let you know how it goes...if I'm successful, maybe I can have a show.

Here's To a New and Wonderful Year

The last couple of weeks for me have been so busy that I haven't taken the time to slow down to read any blogs or to write on mine. All of sudden, I realized that I missed it.

Christmas was different for us this year...but it was good. We are learning to embrace the changes (because they happen whether you embrace them or not) and look for the good.

Our Christmas Day was full of laughter and joy, and was quite lazy. The girls stayed in pjs as long as they could. Andy, their father, ended up bringing his presents to them, so he was with them here for awhile. On Christmas Eve, the girls surprised me in such a delightful way. Since they have been itty bitty, they have been able to unwrap one gift under the tree, and they are new pjs for Christmas. Even as old as they are now, they still look forward to that. When I gave them their packages to unwrap, they handed one to me! They had brought me a pair of new pjs...and to make it even more personal, the silky pjs look like a scrabble board with words on it. Scrabble is one of my all time favorite games. I can't even begin to tell you how touched I was that they had done that for me on Christmas Eve.

We packed the car and headed towards Texas the next day. We normally don't travel that far, but we all decided to head towards Mom and Dads for our get-together instead of my sister's house. I had a wonderful few days of family time with my parents, grandmother, my brother and sister, brother in law and sis in law, and my wonderful nieces and nephews. I wrote on Facebook one day that my "love bank was full" and that was so true. That's the best part about spending time with family.

As 2010 began to wind down, I realized how far God's healing has allowed me to journey this past year. I was totally broken just not too long ago...and wondering if I'd ever get over the intense and gut wrenching pain. Indeed, God's faithfulness did not let me down. While I still have those moments (or sometimes days) of pain....they are getting fewer and farther between. I look back over the last year and see tremendous growth and healing in my own life....and I see blessing after blessing after blessing. I have been telling folks for several days that I have seen God's handprints all over my life. I even have another blessing write about, but I'll save that one for a different day. It deserves its own space.

With the beginning of 2011, I want to make sure that I never forget the journey of 2010. I want to anticipate the newness of each day, to look for the opportunities that God puts in my pathway, to stay in the moment, and not worry to far ahead. I want to continue to grow and to continue to heal. I want to keep my love bank full and to make deposits into the love banks of others. I don't want to have taken this journey for nothing...I want to make it count.