Tonight was my 3rd week of DivorceCare Recovery, and tonight I'm sitting here mulling over something I learned tonight.
We usually start off with an ice breaker, then we watch a 30 minute DVD on a certain topic, and then we have discussion for about 45 minutes. The topic this week was acknowledging the losses that come with a failed marriage. Many people think the failed marriage is the only loss, but it is actually deeper. Examples: the loss of your dream, the loss of the home as you knew, in some cases - the actual loss of the home, the loss of certain family relationships, the loss of some friendships, the loss of security, the loss of your special holiday traditions, the loss of your best friend, the loss of intimacy with that person, the loss of feeling like you belong,.....the list could go on and on.
That wasn't the part I learned tonight. I have been dealing with acknowledging the multiple losses for some time now. One exercise that I haven't done yet that was suggested to me by my counselor a year ago, and was discussed tonight was to actually make a physical list of the losses you feel. Say them, write them, think on them, own them, and then let them go. Just the thought of this exercise has seemed so painful and tedious to me in the past, but I feel as if I'm ready now to do just that. I'm realizing that acknowledging all these losses will help me say "goodbye" to them.
But onto what it was I learned tonight. One of the authors of the material and a speaker on the DVD said we need to "honor the wound". In other words, acknowledge the big gaping hole that is in us. If we felt our marriage was sacred, and if we treasured it, then honor it. When two people are joined, to simply say they "separated" in the divorce is a bit of an understatement. It's not like we have perforated edges, and we can just neatly and efficiently disconnect. There has actually been a "tearing apart", and the tearing is what leaves the wounds. My marriage was truly sacred to me. My husband was my best friend, at least for many years. We both messed up in different ways. For a time, one of us wanted to stay, one didn't. In the end, we both knew what had to take place. That is actually oversimplifying it, but it cuts to the chase for now.
I know people around me want me to heal quicker than I am. I realize that to some of them it may seem as if I've been hurting far too long. Others often tell me "If I were in your shoes.....", "Well, I certainly wouldn't do it the way you are.....", and they seem disappointed if I am not angry enough, bitter or depressed.
Well....I have been all of those things. And I probably will be again before the healing is complete. I'm working my tushy off NOT to get stuck and stay in one of those stages. I am doing all that I can to move forward, and I can see the great strides I've made. I have joy again. I have hope. But, I'm going to honor my wound. It is big, it is gaping, and it is with me all the time for now. Honoring it doesn't mean dwelling on it. I certainly don't want to do that. But it is significant. The pain we have been through, and still go through, is significant. So, it may take me a little longer to get through this process. But at least I AM getting through.
My goal in the end is to be more than recovered. It is to be healthy and whole, and better than I was before all this mess. So, I'm honoring my wound.
