I woke up this morning at my usual (as of late) odd hour of 3 or 4 am. Insomnia....induced by hormones (thank you mid life), stress and my upcoming divorce...I also recently have been referred for A.D.D. testing and have learned that insomnia and the inability to turn off one's mind from worries is a symptom. Soooo....take your pic of any of the 3 above or all 3 as to why I wake up between 3 and 4 each morning.
I had gone through a very emotional evening last night...many tears (and the gut wrenching sobs) of someone in deep pain. Without going into detail, let's just say that the end of a marriage and rearranging of the family unit is more painful than I could ever have imagined. It's as if I take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back in my healing.
For the last few weeks, I have been eager for the legal process to end, hopeful for the future, and ready (gulp) to face the life ahead of me. Someone even told me last week that my countenance was returning to one of joy, and that there was a lilt in my voice and a lilt in my step again. I think I walked on air the rest of the day. Those words meant alot to me.
Then BAM! Last night happened...and a painful event that seemed to sucker punch me in the gut and there I found myself....down on the ground again and bleeding out. After crying (thank goodness for sleepovers with friends, so that one daughter was at a friend's house last night...and the other away at college), no....after sobbing...I found myself with my Bible in my hands and prayers on my heart. I spent some very intimate time with my Savior....my Healer...my Comforter....my Rock. My sobbing subsided to tears...the tears subsided to gulps of fresh air....and then....calm. My cries for help turned to praises for His healing balm that He so generously pours over me.
After waking up at my odd hour, I got up, made something to drink and read a little. Once my mind and heart were settled down and peaceful again, I drifted off to sleep. I ended up awakening before the alarm went off, and was eagerly awaiting a broadcast of "Wednesdays with Beth". I love Beth Moore...listening to her, reading her books, doing her bible studies. Sometimes I feel as if she writes directly to me.
This morning she was speaking on rejection. Whoa. Almost changed the channel....I didn't want to be reminded of rejection. Then I realized that it was something I am meant to hear, since I am living it. I can't remember everything she said, because one example she spoke of just stuck out....it reached out through the television and grabbed ahold of me.
She spoke on the difference between scars and wounds. She pointed to a spot on her leg and said that was a scar...an old scar from a bicycle accident. She poked it, punched it....and told everyone that it did NOT hurt. She went on to say that if we are truly healed by God, sure...we will have scars from that old wound. But there will be no more pain. For we have been healed. If we poke or punch on that spot, and it hurts, it is still a wound. And we need to ASK and then to ALLOW God to pour out His healing on us.
I realized that my healing is a journey. The whole 3 steps forward, 2 steps back thing is normal. I'm quite weary of the whole thing...hurting for so long and so much takes a toll. But it brings such amazing grace, and it has allowed me to grow in my walk with Christ in a way that might not have happened if I weren't in this state of despair. When you poke and punch on me, I still hurt. I still bleed. And just like a wound begins to first heal with a scab, that scab can come off easily before the healing is through. That's where I'm at now in the healing process. The wounds are healing...I see God's handiwork in my life each and everyday. But I'm not healed to the point of having a painless scar....I have a tender scab on those wounds, and sometimes, that scab gets ripped off.
For the first time ever, I think I am actually looking forward to a scar. In the physical realm, scars are either revered (i.e., the person who proudly shows off the scar from a battle wound or sports injury) or they are not wanted out of vanity and our need to think real beauty is flawless.
I realize that my wounds are deep, and I will have scars. I will never be flawless. But that's okay. I look forward to the scars...because maybe, when someone asks how I got them, I can share my story and share how the wonderful healing and grace of God closed up my wounds.
