I've sat down at the laptop almost everyday this week, trying to find the words to write. I had a major event happen in my life this week, but the words just haven't been coming out in a coherent way. I've had so many different emotions and thoughts that my mind seems to be in a jumble when it comes to expressing myself.
This week my divorce wrapped up....I went to court, and it is all final. A very surreal feeling....the ending of 23 years of my life as I knew it, well, 25 years if you count our courtship. There is sadness, but there is an overwhelming feeling of peace. My life has been in turmoil for such a long time, and I prayed for peace the day I was going into court, and God answered my prayers. My best friend was my witness, and another dear friend of mine came for moral support. The court proceeding was very quick, as ours was an uncontested divorce. My spouse and his attorney did not even have to be present. I was actually grateful for that. I felt stronger without him there. I had a tough day emotionally the day before court...just knowing it was all ending was very hard. I reached out to my inner circle of family and friends, and was received with overwhelming support and encouragement, and alot of prayer.
For those who know me well, you know I am opposed to divorce in most situations and did everything I knew to do to work on the marriage, but it was not meant to be. Two people have to want to be willing to stay together and work on the relationship. When one spouse has made up their mind it is over, there is very little that can be done at that point. I am not blaming my spouse, I am simply stating the facts at this point. So, I came to the legal ending of a marriage that had already ended quite awhile ago. I grieve that, but more than anything, I am full of hope for my future, and for the beginning of a new chapter in my life.
There has been alot of pain, alot of chaos, and now...for me, there is peace. Still alot of healing to be done, still some grieving to go through. But what a blessing to feel a sense of peace! My prayers for my daughters are that they will continue to have the healing that God provides when we are so deeply wounded. They amaze me, and they have been strong in their faith. We continue to grow closer, and for that, I am so thankful. I have spent a wonderful lazy, rainy Sunday with both of them...we have talked, shared, napped, and laughed together today. We have had LOTS of laughter. I look at both of them with such mixed feelings...so sad that their pain has been caused by the ending of mine and their father's marriage, but so grateful on one hand that my girls have learned that life can be very painful, messy and at the least, is not perfect. They have taken a hit emotionally, and they are still standing. They are learning the same thing I am learning...that life is full of endings, but also beginnings. Life goes on...and it will be sweet and wonderful, full of laughter. Mixed into that will be pain, tough times, illness, and many hurdles to face and overcome. But that is what makes life so rich....it is a tapestry woven out of ALL of our experiences and relationships.
