Too Short, But Very Sweet

Last night was a treat for Lindsey and I. My parents came into town (we live 8 hours away from each other). They are in the Natural State for Daddy's 50th high school reunion. They left the Dallas area yesterday, stopped in Arkadelphia, AR for lunch with my nephew, their grandson. He is a soph at OBU there. Next stop an hour later was at my sister's house in Little Rock. She loaded them with 3 bags of beautiful clothes after cleaning out her closet and sending my way. What a blessing!!! She and I are both losing weight but began with different starting points, these were clothes that are recently too big for her. I'm now at that size after some weight loss, and being on such a tight budget, it has felt like Christmas to me. (What a strange twist....I'm sure she had to wear tons of hand-me-downs when we were growing up since I am the older of us). My closet and my heart are both full!

Daddy and Mother arrived about the time I was picking up Linds from band practice. They brought with them a chair from one of the guest rooms that is now taking up residence in my bedroom....in front of a window, between my bookshelves and my nightstand....a wonderful spot for me to read and to blog. Again, a blessing! We visited awhile, went to dinner, then stopped by my friend, Vicki's house to visit her. She is my friend bravely fighting breast cancer right now. Mom and Dad had brought her a delicious pie (one for Linds and I as well) from a dear friend of ours back home who makes the most wonderful pies that melt in your mouth. Vicki is looking wonderful and our visit was one of great conversation and laughter. After leaving Vicki's, we came back home to continue our visit. Mom, Lindsey and I opened the bags of clothes with delight and I tried them all on. We cut into the cherry pie and indulged in pie and coffee before they left for their hotel. They are heading out this morning to go back across the state to where other relatives live for more visiting and the reunion. They will be able to see Casie, my oldest on Sunday as well as my sister and her family again as they celebrate my niece's birthday. As I said, they are on a whirlwind trip until Monday.

Our time together is always precious....never long enough. We talk, laugh, share...just simply enjoy being together. I wish the distance between our homes wasn't so far, but it does make our time together all the more special. After dropping Lindsey off at school today, I'm going to head over to the hotel for a cup of coffee with them.

What blessings I have had this week....a visit from my folks, a closet full of beautiful clothes, and a comfy chair for my bedroom.

Honoring the Wound

Tonight was my 3rd week of DivorceCare Recovery, and tonight I'm sitting here mulling over something I learned tonight.

We usually start off with an ice breaker, then we watch a 30 minute DVD on a certain topic, and then we have discussion for about 45 minutes. The topic this week was acknowledging the losses that come with a failed marriage. Many people think the failed marriage is the only loss, but it is actually deeper. Examples: the loss of your dream, the loss of the home as you knew, in some cases - the actual loss of the home, the loss of certain family relationships, the loss of some friendships, the loss of security, the loss of your special holiday traditions, the loss of your best friend, the loss of intimacy with that person, the loss of feeling like you belong,.....the list could go on and on.

That wasn't the part I learned tonight. I have been dealing with acknowledging the multiple losses for some time now. One exercise that I haven't done yet that was suggested to me by my counselor a year ago, and was discussed tonight was to actually make a physical list of the losses you feel. Say them, write them, think on them, own them, and then let them go. Just the thought of this exercise has seemed so painful and tedious to me in the past, but I feel as if I'm ready now to do just that. I'm realizing that acknowledging all these losses will help me say "goodbye" to them.

But onto what it was I learned tonight. One of the authors of the material and a speaker on the DVD said we need to "honor the wound". In other words, acknowledge the big gaping hole that is in us. If we felt our marriage was sacred, and if we treasured it, then honor it. When two people are joined, to simply say they "separated" in the divorce is a bit of an understatement. It's not like we have perforated edges, and we can just neatly and efficiently disconnect. There has actually been a "tearing apart", and the tearing is what leaves the wounds. My marriage was truly sacred to me. My husband was my best friend, at least for many years. We both messed up in different ways. For a time, one of us wanted to stay, one didn't. In the end, we both knew what had to take place. That is actually oversimplifying it, but it cuts to the chase for now.

I know people around me want me to heal quicker than I am. I realize that to some of them it may seem as if I've been hurting far too long. Others often tell me "If I were in your shoes.....", "Well, I certainly wouldn't do it the way you are.....", and they seem disappointed if I am not angry enough, bitter or depressed.

Well....I have been all of those things. And I probably will be again before the healing is complete. I'm working my tushy off NOT to get stuck and stay in one of those stages. I am doing all that I can to move forward, and I can see the great strides I've made. I have joy again. I have hope. But, I'm going to honor my wound. It is big, it is gaping, and it is with me all the time for now. Honoring it doesn't mean dwelling on it. I certainly don't want to do that. But it is significant. The pain we have been through, and still go through, is significant. So, it may take me a little longer to get through this process. But at least I AM getting through.

My goal in the end is to be more than recovered. It is to be healthy and whole, and better than I was before all this mess. So, I'm honoring my wound.

Tired

It's about 10 pm on Monday evening, and I am bone tired....the kind of tired where I really need to sleep, my eyes are heavy, and yet, sleep is eluding me just a little while longer.

It's been a rough several days. My friend had her breast surgery today. The lumpectomy went great, however, there was cancer in her sentinal nodes, so they removed those nodes under the right arm. After a few weeks of recovery from the surgery, she will begin rounds of radiation and chemo. I spent most of the day at the hospital with family and friends from 8 am until about 2:30. I had a nice chat with her on the phone this evening from her hospital bed. She was telling ME she wished she could help me do things this week, that she knew I had alot on my plate. What a friend. I told her that her job is to recover and heal. I got the other stuff covered.

I have suffered from insomnia quite a bit as I have entered the menopausal years. Add to that factor, the stress of trying to work on a failing marriage, then realizing that divorce was imminent. Worries about the future, finances, household maintenance, etc have all added to the insomnia. Receiving a diagnosis of A.D.D. and the medication I take for that add to that problem as well. So I seem to walk around in a state of sleep deprivation.

This week I have had my friend heavy on my heart. I've also had a couple of unpleasant surprises thrown my way in the divorce. Things I am dealing with, but unpleasant nonetheless. So, tonight..I am tired. Weary. In need of sleep. If I can turn off my brain, I think I just might be able to rest.

So, I'm about to turn of the computer, pick up a book and unwind. I'm already in pjs and in my comfy bed. I feel as if I could sleep for days...but I think I'll be happy to get 6 or 7 hours.

So good nite to all...I hope everyone has a restful sleep and peaceful dreams.

The End of the Week

It's Saturday night, and as I sit in my room reading and typing, I am listening to the giggles of two 13 year olds girls in my living room. It's a sound that I love dearly, although when it's past midnight, there are times I have to ask that giggles be held to a whisper. I remember being a teenager and how much fun I had with my girlfriends when they came over. So, the sounds bouncing off my walls tonight are a good sound.

It's been a different sort of week, and a tough week. First and foremost in my heart and on my mind, is one of my dearest and most precious friends in the world. She has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, and an agressive one. In the time span of little more than a week, her life has been turned upside down. I have never felt more inadequate as a friend. But we have talked, cried together AND laughed together this week. There is alot of power in being able to do both...the crying and laughing with someone you love dearly. She goes in for surgery on Monday morning, and then will be going through both radiation and chemo later. I wish she wasn't traveling this road, but here she is. She and her family have a vast network of friends and supporters, and they are being lifted up in prayers from all over. She is handling this with an amazing strength and a wonderfully positive attitude. She has been a hero to me this week, although she wouldn't really like that tag on her. But she's really quite a gal.

DivorceRecovery is going well, although it is difficult. I'm learning alot. And I've had alot of ways this week to practice what I am learning. Let's just say...it hasn't been an easy week. But onward we go, and I'm glad that onward is the direction I am moving.

My small group of bible study gals started back up for the fall. We are studying Galatians. We met on Thursday, had a nice meal of salad, baked potato and a fabulous dessert. The fellowship was wonderful, and I'm looking forward to our weekly time together. I will miss a couple of weeks due to the privilege of watching Lindsey play in the junior high band, but I will gladly miss for that reason. I'm so proud of the accomplishments in both girls.

As I wrap up this week, I find myself tired from all the worry and emotion over my friend and her cancer. And then I remind myself, "if I'm this tired...imagine how SHE must feel, the person actually living through it." I want to be the kind of friend and support to her that she has always been to me....so this is not the time for me to be emotionally tired.

As for the rest of my worries and stresses from this week, I listen again to the giggles coming from the next room. I am so blessed, and the giggles remind me of that.

Tomorrow begins a new week....and onward we all go!

Baby Bro

Today is my little brother's birthday....Jason is the Big 4-0. Out of the 3 of us siblings, he's the youngest.

As you can see from the pictures above, Jason is....ummmm...unique. Hehe. No, the guy is serious about his fun. He enjoys life and he grabs it with gusto. He is smart, fun, full of life and loves his family like crazy. He has a wonderful wife and 3 wonderful boys.

Mom tells us (Terri and I) that we used to stand over his bassinet and sing to him when he was a baby. We felt quite thrilled and very proud to be his big sisters. And I can honestly say, that is still how we feel today....although I don't think we'll stand over his bed and sing. That's just kinda weird.

So...Happy Birthday Jason. May your next 40 be filled with as much love and gusto as your first 40.

Shared Tears and Prayers

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. . . . Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit" (Psalm 147:3, 5).

This morning I have the privilege of praying for different friends' struggles. The privilege part is simply the blessing of being intimate with certain people to the point where they share their innermost fears, struggles, wounds, brokenness with you.

When you have intimacy like this in your relationships, you can shed tears with them as easily as you can laugh with them. Well...maybe it's never easy for some of us to share tears. It's a much more vulnerable reaction to emotion than laughter is. But you let your guard down in these relationships and you know you have the safety and freedom to shed that tear with them.

There are times, like this morning, when I feel so inadequate and helpless over the burdens my friends are facing. But this is when I'm supposed to just let them know I am here, and that I will simply walk with them as they travel a difficult path.

I'm so thankful that the Lord does heal, and that His understanding and power are strong and limitless. For I know when I, or my friends feel weak or inadequate, we have someone to go to. And when I cannot understand, He does.

The refrain of one of my favorite Cece Winans songs goes:

He knows

He cares

He sees

He's there

He'll carry you

He's concerned about you

My hope comes from the Lord....He hears our prayers, and He shares our tears. My friends are in perfect hands.

A Nice Surprise

As I sit in my favorite spot early on this Sunday morning, I am smiling. It's quiet in the house....the dogs have been let outside, and I'm the only one awake. Both girls are sleeping...yes, BOTH girls.

Linds was at the football game Friday night with some friends, and I was talking on the phone to Casie, my oldest. We were talking about her plans for the night, and she had told me she was planning on just "chilling" at home. We had a nice long talk, and ended our conversation in the usual way "Love you - talk with you soon". Imagine my surprise when she walked through our front door! I thought "chilling at home" meant heading back to her apartment where she lives 2 hours away. My mouth hit the floor and she was grinning widely that she had managed to pull off a surprise over us.

She told me that she came home because she felt I had been through a rough week, and she just wanted to be here. My daughter wanting to encourage and uplift me, the mother. It was one of those moments when you realize that your child has grown into an adult, and a caring adult at that.

I wasn't exactly aware that I had communicated with her that it had been a rough week, but somehow, she read that between the words in our many conversations we have during the course of a week, and she just wanted to come home. It has been a very different kind of week for me. I think when Casie walked through the door Friday night, I realized that we were going to be okay as a family....better than okay, we are going to be good.

One of my greatest fears and worries, is how my daughters are going to fare with our family changing. It's a very valid concern.....the impact that divorce has on children, whether they are minor or adult, is significant to say the least. I hate that my girls are going through this. But when she came home Friday night, simply wanting to support her mother and spend time with her sister, I realized that I am blessed. You see, Casie gets it. I want our family to be one of love, encouragement, acceptance, a mixture of tenderness and grit, sharing with one another, and supporting one another. We can get on one another's nerves, we can argue, we can be selfish at times....we are human and extremely normal. But more than that....we love, accept, support and encourage one another.

Casie and I jumped in my car and we drove to the church where the teenagers were hanging out at the 5th Quarter Club after the football game. I called Linds on her cell and asked her to come out to the car. She wanted to know why of course, and I just said I was coming by to say "hi". Pretty lame in retrospect, but I didn't know what else to say. I could hear her say "okay?" in a confused tone. She and a friend walked out to the car, saw Casie in the passenger seat and the look on her face was priceless when she saw her big sis. She begged Casie to come inside and say hi to her friends. Although tired from a day of class, work, and driving, Casie obliged. I stayed in the car so the sisters could have their moment. And I smiled.....we are good.

We haven't done anything special this weekend. We kept the secret that she was home from their dad until Saturday. He thought Linds was coming over to watch the Razorback game with on Saturday, and opened the door to find them both there. I know his face was just as thrilled and surprised as mine was. It's still hard getting used to sharing their time individually, instead of sharing time as a traditional family....it's not the way it supposed to be. But, it's the way it is for us, and we are coping better each time. While they were gone, I watched the game myself and stayed busy in the kitchen cooking. I baked cookies and made a pot of chicken and dumplings - a meal my girls love. Casie has studied this weekend, Linds and I had to go to a softball event for a little while, and then we just rented a chick flick. As I said, we haven't done anything special. But as I've aged, I learn more and more that it's not "doing" of special things you cherish....it's just the regular ordinary times of being together.

Mudpie Memories

Today is Terri's birthday. Terri is my younger sister and I am blessed. There is 3 1/2 years difference between us. When we were little, some of my fondest memories include barefeet, making of mudpies, dress up, dolls and Barbies.

We shared a room for years, until the day came when we could move to a bigger house and my preteen, hormonal, diary writing self couldn't wait to get away from her. I thought my own room was all I needed to finally have peace and privacy. Imagine my horror when she and another friend found my diary, and read it into a tape recorder, pushed "play" right outside my bedroom door and then took off running. I was sitting on my bed, probably listening to Elton John records, when all of a sudden, I heard this very dramatic reading (Oscar worthy, I tell you....Meryl Streep herself would have been moved) of MY VERY OWN WORDS!!!! I remember bolting from the bed throwing the door open hoping to knock down the perps, only to find a small black tape recorder playing from the hallway.

We laugh over that story now....she will probably say it was justice for the mudpies I tried to get her to eat when we were younger.

We've been so fortunate to end up in Arkansas together, since our parents and our brother are still in the Dallas area. We're not in the same town, but at least we're not too far. We've been able to be there for one another during many of the important times in life, and we've been blessed enough to be able to just visit one another for the sake of just being together.

She is an accomplished woman, a wonderful wife and mother, and a gem of a sister.

Happy Birthday Terri!

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Yesterday one of my dearest friends was given some news that is pretty shattering. I won't go into details, as she is still processing it all herself. Let's just say that when a friend is hurting, you want to be there to help. If you can't help, you just want to be there.

A couple of hours after her news, "our gang" descended upon her home. We all just wanted to love her, to listen, to talk, to shed a tear, to laugh, and to just be with her. As I looked around the table at us sitting there in her kitchen, I thought of our threads of friendship...the threads that bind us. We've known each other for years, some of us have a longer history with one another. We've gone through all sorts of hardships as well as joys together. You could say that we've been through "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly" with one another. As I looked at our group of friends, I thought about the comfort and safety that comes from knowing each other well enough to not let the bad or the ugly keep us from lifting one another up....and that's what makes it good.

Life isn't easy. Life throws us curveballs. Life gets messy. But what a joy it is when you have a group of friends who love you through it all.

Here's to my friend who has been thrown a curveball.....we're all here with you....and we wouldn't be anywhere else.

Twice in One Day???

I don't think I've ever posted twice in one day before, but as I sit in my favorite chair tonight, unwinding after a very long (but good) day, I find myself wanting to write.

I took a major step in my journey tonight....I actually drove myself to a DivorceCare Recovery Group at a church in Memphis. I'm not a person who wakes up each day eager to embrace the unknown, I like the comfort of the tried and true. So to actually walk into a room in a fairly unknown place and open up was W-A-A-A-Y out of my comfort zone.

For a few weeks, I've realized that I was battling stagnancy. After having taking so many positive steps forward, I have felt like I could go no further. After alot of thinking, prayer, some much needed sleep, and talking to my closest friends, I had pretty much come to the conclusion that I had gone as far as I could with the tools I have had. I have loved the excellent Christian counseling I have been to, I have read books, done the emotional exercises, spent alot of time alone with God, and made myself take positive steps in rediscovering myself. And yet....something has been missing lately. I couldn't put my finger on it, and I'm still not sure I can. But I realized I needed to "shake it up". By "it" I mean my healing process.

Although I dearly love my very small town, one of the downsides is that everyone knows everyone else's business. I'm a pretty private person, and so I knew that a divorce recovery group in my town wouldn't be for me. I'm glad that some of our local churches are offering recovery and support groups. I think it's time the church embrace the wounded. But I knew I would be more comfortable in a group setting where the people wouldn't already know me...where I could feel free to share my soul and not worry about running into that person at the grocery store the next day. Some people would like that familiarity, for me...I knew I needed some distance and to meet some new people.

So I found out about a group that meets at a church I have visited before in Memphis. It's an awesome church, and I've been there for different events and some worship services. And although I have known this was going to be a good thing, I can't even begin to tell you the reasons I came up with for not going. They played over and over in my head all day, and the entire drive from my office to the church tonite. They played over and over as I walked up the stairs. But then, I met people...people walking in smiling sheepishly, politely offering the seat next to them to someone else. And I saw pain in their eyes. A pain I recognized. A pain I am familiar with. A pain I wish I didn't have. Although I was in a room full of hurting people, and strangers nonetheless, I immediately felt connected. I knew I was where I needed to be.

Tonight was introductions and a brief telling of our individual stories. There were about 35 people in the room, both men and women, and 35 different stories. I didn't want to talk, but I'm not sure any of us did at first. But we all took a chance and opened up "just a little". And although I can't say I enjoyed the evening, I can say that it was good.

I'm back home now, feet propped up in my chair, I've lit a couple of pumpkin spice candles, I'm listening to music and I am smiling. Smiling because I took a chance to try something new, and it was something that I needed, and even after just one night, I feel a burden has been slightly lifted. Nothing has changed, other than I'm not stagnant tonight.

Seasons

I love the changing of seasons - especially this time of year. But the title of this blog isn't referring to nature, but to the seasons we go through in life.

To borrow a phrase from a friend of mine in Virginia, I am going through a "tough season". I'm not the only one...many I know are going through a tough season in life.

Lately, I've had a hard time getting going in the mornings. This is unusual, because unlike my teenage/college years, I've grown into a morning person. I love being up before anyone else and having time to myself, and time alone with God. I also am a person who struggles with insomnia, and so I think my body is just rebelling when the alarm clock goes off. Some mornings I haven't been asleep that long.

But I made a point to wake up this morning in time to see the sunrise. I'm still waiting for that moment...in about 10 minutes it should be lovely.

As I woke up and began catching up on emails, facebook and blogs, I read my friend's post from Virginia and came across her words of "tough season". She was referring to dear friends of hers from church. She has used this phrasing often in her writings. Another friend of mine asked for prayer for her son, who needs to accomplish a difficult task. Another friend of mine is going through a tough season this week and I feel totally helpless. She isn't sure how long her season will last. A family here in town has one daughter with a terminal illness that they are taking care of, and lost their other young adult son in a car wreck this weekend. My family is in a tough season.

We go through different seasons in life....seasons of abundance, seasons of difficulty, seasons of doubt, seasons of change, seasons of pain. I will say that in my own life, most of God's work in me happens during the "tough seasons". Some seasons last longer than others, and we grow weary. I know I am. I know all of the people I mentioned above grow weary.

But just as the sun rises each morning, so does my hope and faith in the Lord. Each day is new, full of opportunities and blessings. Our seasons will usually last through many sunrises, but on this morning, I am glad that I managed to stumble out of bed, catch up with my friends, spend time in prayer and watch the beginning of a new day...a day that still finds me in a tough season, but a new day nonetheless. A day in which I am privileged to pray for my friends, and also to be lifted in prayer by these same friends. A day in which God is walking with me, as always.

The Sound of Silence

I haven't posted in about 4 days, my keyboard has been silent. That doesn't mean that my thoughts and feelings have stopped....there are just times when I need to sit back and "ponder" as we say here in the South.

My day to day life is as busy as ever, and I seem to be on the go most of the time. However, when I have been home, I've found myself just in a state of reflection. Nothing really to share as of yet, but I'm still here.

Pacing Myself

I'm not a runner (and those of you who know me can stop rolling on the floor at this understatement) but I do have alot of friends who enjoy running. Seems that most of them who start off running for exercise end up doing the 5k, 10k marathon things. My brother has even done triathalons and I think one 26k. The concept of these marathons blows my hammock loving mind. But I have the utmost respect for these friends of mine, and anyone who attempts and accomplishes this kind of feat.

One thing I do know about running a marathon is that the runners pace themselves in order to finish. I've been thinking alot about pacing lately.

My journey of healing has been a marathon of sorts. It has been long, tiring, and taken more determination and perserverance than I ever knew I was capable of. Sometimes I feel like I see the finish line in the distance, and then something happens, and I have a setback. Or I think to myself "Did someone just MOVE the finish line?"

One common thing that I have heard over and over from some very wise people who have had to go through healing of some sort is that I CANNOT rush myself through this. If I try to cross that finish line before I am totally healed, it will come back sometime later in my future and I'll just have to deal with it again. So, I'm learning to pace myself. I feel that sometimes people around me who care so deeply are anxious for me to stop hurting, and I understand that. I hate seeing the people I care about in any kind of pain as well. I'm ready to stop hurting also.

But I am good...I am going the distance. It IS a marathon. I don't know how long it's going to take. But with every step, I'm closer. I'm not going to rush through because I'm tired of it, or because I think it will make others happier around me if I finish. When I cross that finish line, I want it to be for good. I don't want to be sent back later to do it all over.

I'm normally an impatient person...I want quick results. One thing (out of many) that God is showing me about myself during this time, is that some things are worth the wait. Some things in life need to be taken slow. This marathon is one of those things. So...yep, I'm pacing myself, and realizing that it is okay to do just that.

A Touch of Family, Fall and Football

It's opening day for Arkansas Razorback football, and myself, like most other "folk" in the Natural State have been "calling the Hogs" all week long. We're a fairly small state, and we love our Razorbacks. Unfortunately, I don't have tickets to the game in Fayetteville, but that hasn't stopped the excitement from building. Whether you attend a game, watch from tv or listen to radio, all across our state today Hog fans will be out and about, football flags will be flown, Razorback shirts and hats will be the popular attire of the day. Casie, my oldest, received a scholarship and marched in the Razorback band her first year of college. She still talks about the pride of being involved in such a huge event every Saturday in the fall of that year. Today's game will be followed on the radio, since sadly it isn't being televised, but I'll be listening and singing along with the fight song.

The temp is 55 degrees outside...a tease of fall is in the air, and that's all it took for a fall arrangement of sunflowers, multicolored leaves and a scarecrow to grace my front door. I'm poised with pumpkins and other things, but debating over whether it's too early or not. Myself and my cup of coffee are about to step outside and breathe in this glorious day.

Both girls are sleeping peacefully, and I went and peeked in on each of them. Nevermind that they are 22 and 13, I still tiptoe in, peek, and smile whenever I see one or both of them sleeping. It's still a sweet sight all these years later. We had a late dinner after Casie arrived last nite, and a nice evening just hanging out. Today, they will spend the day with their dad, which is a good thing. I'm slowly adapting to our new reality of "sharing separately" instead of sharing them together. It hurts more than I ever knew, but after all these months, I've learned ways to help me cope when they drive away. Staying busy seems to be the key. We haven't quite figured out plans for Sunday or Monday, but I'm just happy to have both girls together.

Today I am thankful for the cool weather, my girls, and yes, my Razorbacks.

Soul Food

Over the last few days, I've been able to have some really good soul food. I'm not talking about food for my body, but food for my soul. THAT kind of "soul food".

Laughter and tears, silly talks and serious talks, encouragement - both given and received.

God knows when I need nourishment.....how amazing is that?