Tonight, alone in my room, I'm thinking of the things that frighten me. My fears have a tendency to grip me in the night, and as a result, I've endured many restless and/or sleepless nights.
Throughout the long journey of the breakup of my marriage, the two separations, and the finalizing of my divorce, God has done some very incredible things in the midst of deep pain. I've often felt alone in this process, but it seems at those times when I do feel alone, He wraps His arms around me and reminds me that I'm not.
And yet, fears still haunt me...they still plague me. And to make it worse, I feel as the mom, I'm supposed to be the brave one and show my girls my strengths and not my weaknesses.
But I'm learning, that sometimes, God gives us the most strength and courage when we are brave enough to admit "I'm scared. And I'm scared of ____________".
The things that scare me the most right now:
Worrying the impact the divorce is having on my daughters, and knowing I can't stop the onslaught of pain they are feeling.
Fear that total healing will not come.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of abandonment.
Fear that I will never be loved by someone, and never again have the chance to love.
Fear that I will find love again. Then what?
Fear of my financial state.
Fear of trusting again.
Fear of settling.
Fear of changes.
I could go on and on with my list of fears. And the funny thing is...they are fluid. What scares me tonight may not scare me tomorrow.
One thing that is NOT fluid, however, is God's faithfulness in tending to my fears.
"When I am afraid, I will trust in you." Psalm 56:3
It's so good to know that I don't have to STAY afraid and full of fear. I may choose to, which would be sad for me. But I don't have to. So....I'm choosing to trust. I've never been let down yet.
But feel free to email,write or text at 3 am. After all...it IS a process. And chances are...I'm wide awake.
