Have you ever had something that seemed to be getting the best of you instead of you getting the best of it?
Last year, during our first holiday season of separation for my family....we weren't quite sure how to handle it all. We weren't divorced, but the divorce was filed. The separation had gone on for a few months, and I felt that we were all managing quite well, given that it was new territory and NONE of us knew how we were going to feel, think, react or act on any given day.
My ex-husband and I were getting along quite well on the awkward times we were together for a family event. We both were focused on easing the girls through this transition....and even when you each carry wounds, if you focus on someone else, your forget your hurts and have a commonality. For us, it's our two beautiful daughters.
I did very well through Thanksgiving. Phew! Big sigh of relief! I cooked, decorated and even had a wonderful time with my daughters! Different, but wonderful all the same. I was going to conquer this Holiday Season Mountain. And then....I was knocked flat on my rear about a week later when I tried to send out Christmas cards. My hands were shaking when I was only writing THREE names on the card, instead of four. By the 5th card, I was so shaky and sobbing so hard that I remember throwing them all in the trash and thinking "No one gets cards this year. I can't handle this."
A very wise friend of mine, who has walked this road before me, told me that it would be the "small" things that would knock me down everytime. We often prepare for the bigger things....time spent in prayer for strength, reflection over good memories. These are things I do in preparation for the times when I know we'll be sitting together at something like a band concert, ballgame, or hosting a birthday party for the girls. I prepare for shared time, and I find myself capable of getting through. But signing Christmas cards???? THAT was going to be the thing that threw me off track? It even got worse when I was wrapping presents alone (we used to do that together) and I was signing 3 names on the gift tag. Only I knew I couldn't throw away gifts...(thankfully for the recipients). So I plowed through. I'm sure most of my gift tags had smudges from fallen tears, but no one said a word.
So this weekend, I bought my Christmas cards. And I sat down with my list, a glass of wine, good music, an ever faithful dog snuggled at my feet, and took a deep breath and prayed "Okay Lord, let's do this!" I took charge of that demon from last year, and I slayed two dragons at once. The dragon of knowing that small thing undid me last year, and I wasn't going to let it again. And the dragon of being a procrastinator and not getting cards out until the last minute. My cards are ready to be mailed, and that has NEVER happened in November. I will allow Thanksgiving to come and go before they are mailed. But it felt good to know that I had taken charge, and not one tear was shed in the process.
My dear friend, Vicki, took charge in a very different way this weekend. She is one of my heroes (I have alot in life). She is facing her battle with breast cancer in such a way that strength, courage and grace are being redefined. Her hair began falling out this week...about 3 weeks out of her first chemo. She is scheduled for her second chemo this coming Thursday. Although most of the world could not notice the hair loss, it was coming out quickly and in large amounts. We would be at the office, and she would show me the hair in her hands. By Friday morning, she was having to clean the sink out more than once as she was using the curling iron before work. She decided to take charge and have her hair shaved off that night. She knew that if she just let it fall out on its own, and if she watched that happen, that it was going to get the best of her, and drive her quite crazy being the neatfreak that she is. So she called another dear friend who came over and shaved her head Friday night. She put on her cute wig that she had already picked out after surgery, and she set out yesterday with her husband to do some Christmas shopping. She said she felt strange, that people were looking at her, but I think that was from knowing she was bald underneath. She looks great and natural in her new 'do. I really admire the way she did it.
Taking charge can really be a good thing. Whether it's something small, like a Christmas card, or something huge like shaving your head....sometimes we need to recognize when our fears, worries, stresses are getting the better of us. All we usually need to take charge is a deep breath and the prayer of "Okay Lord....let's do this!"
