Detours

It's Saturday morning, and I'm propped up in bed, with the house quiet around me. I've had time to do a little reflecting this morning.

Last night I was at a surprise birthday party for one of my dearest friends. His wife had planned the whole thing very well, and the party was at the home of other dear friends. There were about 30 people and the guest of honor was surprised and it was a huge hit. I laughed and enjoyed being there....I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else last night.

And yet....I found myself wistful and sad that my separated spouse wasn't there. Alot of the guests last night were people we've had a long history with. Four of them (including the birthday boy, er, 50 year old man) were our dearest friends. I was the only single person there, and it was just an odd feeling. One I am having to get used to, but not quite there yet. I seemed to be extra observant of the spouse who would go bring his/her partner a drink refill,or ask if they wanted something extra from the buffet. I miss alot of little things like that. I found myself sad and even a little angry at him that he wasn't there to be a part of the laughter and celebration.

When the party was winding down and guests were saying goodnight, I walked to the car and then got inside and shed a few tears on the way home. The tears didn't last long, but they felt better just being released.

I was reading this morning in a book that I've really enjoyed "Walking with God on the Road You Never Wanted to Travel". It's a book I am taking my time reading, because I am really reflective and writing alot as I read it. I started a new chapter this morning called "Detours". And I realized...last night was simply a small detour on my road of healing. I have had many moments of missing my husband and married life, and I know I will have some more on this journey. As long as I can recognize them for what they are, and continue to go to my Heavenly Father for healing, I will go through these detours and come out okay on the other end.

I'm glad it's Saturday, that I've been to be a little lazy this morning and have this time of quiet reflection and renewal.

Casie came home for the weekend last night...that's always a good thing. She and I have plans later this afternoon to head to Memphis and just spend an evening together. Lindsey and every other 13 year old girl in town is pumped up for the "Justin Bieber" concert in Memphis tonight, and the young teenage world is buzzing in our small southern town. We'll be helping her pick out just the PERFECT jeans and tshirt for the concert, I am sure. Thankfully, another mom is actually attending the concert and I don't have to. I haven't quite acquired "Bieber fever" yet.

Time to move on from being propped up in bed to my feet hitting the floor and beginning this day.

Today I am grateful for:

1. Friends and celebrations.

2. Detours, reflections and healing.

3. Time with my girls.

The Good Things

It's the "dog days of summer" and by this time of year, I find myself ready for summer to come to and end, and I long for the cooling days of fall. My yard always looks tired and brown, most roadtrips or vacations come to an end, my girls always seemed to be ready to reconnect with all of their friends, school clothes and supplies are being displayed in the front of the stores, it's too hot to enjoy grilling outdoors, laying in my hammock, or enjoying backyard games.

However, since we're still a way off from sweatshirt weather, pumpkins, the changing fall colors, football, and homemade chili, I've decided that the best way to get through these last few weeks of summer is to notice the simple and good things around me. Instead of focusing on how brown my yard is getting, I'm going to focus on the beautiful sweet potato vine that just seems to get a brighter shade of lime green the hotter it gets. I'm going to enjoy the cold glass of iced tea or that lemon-berry slush. I'm going to make a freezer of homemade ice cream, which reminds me of summers growing up. I'm going to notice the beauty in the dragonflies and butterflies that are flitting around my yard each day, and the fireflies that come out at night. I'm going to make sure I take the time to keep driving to the produce stand down the road and enjoy every last bit of watermelon, cantaloupe and tomatoes before the summer crops end. By mid-winter, I'll be craving a homegrown melon or tomato. I'm going to enjoy sleeping in a little later for a few more weeks before school starts, and we have to get back on our morning school routine.

So although I'm still yearning for the first signs of fall, I'll keep appreciating the good things about the last days of summer.

On another note, I am thanking and praising God today for helping me with the worries I mentioned in an earlier post. He always has a way for the solutions to be found.

Today I am grateful for:

1. Blessings and answered prayers.

2. Summer

3. Snowcones, popsicles, slushes and iced tea

Wonderful Weekend and Worrisome Week

My roadtrip weekend was wonderful. I made the 3.5 hour drive to my aunt and uncle's house on Friday, had a casual late supper with them and my aunt and I stayed outside on her patio until about 1 am just talking and laughing. There wasn't a single mosquito out that night...very unusual for Arkansas this time of year. My trip to Yukon, OK and back to pick up Linds and a friend and bring them back was tedious and tiresome, due to lots of road construction - but once I had the girls in the van with me, they were quite entertaining. Upon arriving back at my aunt's house, I was greeted by a whole group of relatives and we enjoyed another dinner and evening of catching up with each other. That night, both teenage girls ended up in the same guest room as I was, - they piled on the bed and we stayed up late talking and laughing. Those moments are priceless! After a wonderful country breakfast prepared by my uncle the next morning, the girls and I said our goodbyes and loaded back into the van and drove to Conway, where we met up with Casie in her new apartment. I unpacked a few things in her kitchen, and was really wanting to stay around longer, but after lunch, we needed to hit the road. Although I came back home totally wiped out, I was very emotionally fulfilled and what a blessing that is!

Alas, reality has hit with full force this week, and only two days later, I find myself very overwhelmed by regular life....repairs that need to be made, financial obligations, and my list seems like it could go on. It's only Tuesday nite, and I was finding myself getting into a real funk. I'm a pretty positive person normally, so I started giving myself a pep talk...reminding myself that every problem has a solution, and I simply need to put things in order of priority and just begin dealing with them. As a very wise friend of mine says "Just do the next right thing". I begin to breathe a little easier, wipe the tears from my eyes (yes, I had a good cry) and went outside to mow. The lawn mower refused to start. I had to just sit in the backyard swing and chuckle. This was so typical for my week. I actually began talking to the mower, as if that would correct whatever the problem was, and it would crank up for me. My jack russell, who was sitting in the swing with me, kept looking rather funny at me. I got up, and attempted to start it several more times, then finally gave up. My overgrown backyard would have to wait a little longer. As I walking across the yard, and stepped onto the deck, my left leg went into one of the worst leg cramps I have ever had. I hobbled back into the house, wincing in pain, tried to get the attention of Linds and a friend who was over hanging out, but all I got was..."Hey Mom, could you move? You're blocking the Wii". I realized that I wasn't going to receive sympathy or any medical help from them, so I continued to hobble down the hall and into my room. I massaged the cramp out of my calf, but it still had that "tight" feeling, the kind of tightness that screams "You move 1/2 inch to the left or right, and I'm going to cramp up again". I laid across my bed, with my body frozen into a really odd position, the only position that I could maintain without going into another cramp. Somehow, I saw my reflection in the mirror, and just started laughing. I've prayed for perseverance and patience....maybe God is just allowing a week like this in order for me to exercise using those characteristics. The cramp has worked itself from the leg down to the foot....an hour ago, my toes were curled back in a really odd formation. I guess tomorrow I'll go get some fruits with magnesium and potassium. It's obvious I have some deficiency in my body that is causing the cramps. As for the other real life worries and issues I'm dealing with, I realize that I have a deficiency as well. Instead of turning my problems and worries over to God in prayer, instead of trusting that He will show me an answer and provide a way to solve these problems and dilemmas, I have chosen to to bottle them inside, replay them over and over in my head like a broken record, and the worry has built up.

I think tomorrow in addition to buying the fruit I need for my body, I will spend some time revisiting the fruits of the spirit.

Today I am thankful for:

1. Extended family and the wonderful weekend I was able to spend with some of them. Family memories and stories remind us of how we are interwoven and enrich one another.

2. Casie being able to get a nicer apartment and a roommate she is close to. I know she is going to have a good year.

3. Linds and her friend who actually enjoyed piling up in bed with me to talk and laugh.

Weekend Roadtrip

It's Friday afternoon and I'm wrapping up at the office and looking forward to a quick weekend roadtrip. I don't know why I like driving, but I do. When I'm alone, it gives me time to think and reflect. When I'm with someone, it's often a time for pure silliness or some deep conversations...whatever the occasion calls for.

Today, I'll be driving 3.5 hours to the tiny southern town of Atkins, Arkansas and visiting with my aunt and uncle. This particular aunt, my "Aunt Becky" is my mother's younger sister, and she and I have always shared a very special bond. It's been about 4 years since we've been able to visit, which is way too long, so I am looking forward to it. Tomorrow morning, I will leave their house and drive to Yukon, OK to pick up my youngest daughter, Lindsey, and a friend of hers and bring them back. (They've been staying with a friend and her wonderful family for the last couple of weeks) We will stop in Atkins again on Saturday nite, and spend the nite once again with my aunt and uncle. On Sunday, we will head back to Marion, with a quick stop in Conway, to see Casie's new apartment.

It's alot of driving crammed into one weekend, but knowing I get to see my girls and my wonderful and wacky aunt (she is one of the funniest people I know) overshadows the driving part by far.

Today I am grateful for:

1. Aunt Becky.

2. Getting to see my Lindsey soon and having her back home... and grateful for the wonderful friends that she has spent time with. I tell my girls all the time that good friendships are worth nurturing.

3. Casie's new beginnings...her new apartment, her new roommate, the new semester she is about to begin. It's exciting watching her in young adulthood.

Trying Out New Things

I don't know if it's a normal mid-life thing, if it's the journey of self discovery I am on, if it's part of the ADD...but I find myself restless and wanting to learn new things. By "new things", I mean hobbies and interests.

Several friends of mine have embraced photography as a hobby. I absolutely am enthralled looking at some of their pictures. So, I've been pricing better quality cameras online.

One friend of mine has taught herself to oil paint in the last few months....I'm quite impressed. I've seen pictures of her work, and she is good and is having fun.

Another friend of mine is writing a short story in hopes of getting it published.

I have a few friends in town who have parlayed their artsy and crafty side into making money by selling their wares online and in local shows. They are having fun and making a small profit.

I have friends who are way more knowledgeable and into gardening than I am. I have friends who can cook circles around me, and one who writes a food blog in Dallas. I have friends who are really into decorating.

I'm a little bit interested in alot of these areas, but trying to decide on one or two things that I can dive into and learn about. In learning about my A.D.D., I see that it's easy for me to want to do alot, and not focus on one or two things, and then I feel overwhelmed and lose interest. So for me, at this point in my life, I need to embrace learning 1 or 2 new things at a time. I just need to decide on what might be a good fit for me.

Skydiving?

Reflecting

It's early Sunday evening, and I'm not quite ready for the weekend to be wrapping up. The house is really quiet again. Casie has left to go back to her apt and summer classes, Linds is still in Oklahoma with family friends, and I've booted the 2 family canines out to the backyard for awhile.

Early this morning, as I was reading "Walking with God on the Road You Never Wanted to Travel", I came to a chapter entitled "Enjoy Every Oasis". It's a great chapter, one that basically tells us as we walk through a desert in life, God WILL provides oases along the way, and we are to ENJOY these refreshing times. Often our difficult roads will be long ones, and I can certainly testify to that, as I am walking a long one myself right now. I can also testify to the oases that are provided. The author categorizes 4 types of oases: refreshing seasons, refreshing servants, refreshing scriptures, and our refreshing Savior.

I spent a short time in my hammock today, reflecting on these oases. Often for me, an oasis will come along in the form of relationships. People will offer me encouragement that just refreshes me and enables me to rest awhile, enjoy the encouragement and then get back on the road.

This week, I was blessed to have a blogging friend send me an encouraging gift along with a sweet note in the mail. My boss, knowing my addiction to unsweetened tea from Sonic (and a cup of extra ice) bought me one on Friday. The ladies in my small group got together this week for the first time this summer and we shared dinner together and laughed until we cried. My mom, knowing I don't have money for the "extras" right now, sent me enough to "go have my hair did" as they say around here. A color and a cut can do wonders for your spirit! My hair appointment has been scheduled.

All of these gestures and events provided me with encouragement and refreshing. I'm so thankful for people who reach out. And as I walk through this desert road, I want to remember Proverbs 11: 25 - 'Those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed." I hope that I recognize when others need that touch of a refreshing oasis in the middle of their desert, and I hope I respond.

Today I am grateful for:

1. Deserts....without them, would I know an oasis?

2. Oases.....so glad that God provides them along our journey.

3. Encouragers.

And The Weekend Begins...

It's Saturday morning, I'm propped up in bed with Casie next to me....we're being rather lazy. She came in here after she woke up, I'm on the laptop...we're watching a home improvement show and just hanging out. It's about time to kick it in gear and start our day. We're wanting to go see a movie and then maybe just have a dinner together. It's nice to just be lazy and relax with my daughters...whether we talk or not, I just like being with them. Linds is still in Oklahoma visiting a friend, and I am really starting to miss her now, and am eagerly looking forward to her coming back home. I wish she was propped up in bed with us this morning...although at age 13, I'm sure she'd be groaning about the home improvement show.

Last night, Casie and I went to dinner here in town and her dad met us there. It's nice to know that even in the middle of our family splitting up that there is still the ability for us to get together every now and then and just spend time with one or both of our daughters. Casie was telling us about her day of apartment hunting in her college town with her new roomie. She's so grown up, and it's just a joy to listen to her as she begins her final semester as an undergrad and to know that her life and so many opportunities are before her now. I do know that one thing the girls' father and I have in common is our deep love and pride in our girls. They are both....simply amazing.

Pretty soon, it will be time to take Linds back to school shopping. There's only one month left before she begins her first year of junior high...so hard to believe. I keep seeing back to school supplies in the stores now.

Well, time to get the Saturday moving from the lounging in bed to getting ready to venture out.

Today I am grateful for:

1. Weekends.

2. Lindsey and Casie.

3. The Dole All Fruit popsicle that I ate for breakfast. It IS July in the south after all, and an 80 calorie popsicle sounded much better than a big breakfast or a bowl of Special K. Plus, it made me feel like a rebel....lol.

Girlfriends

I just came home from a wonderful evening with my small group girlfriends. We've been together a few years now, and it's hard to put into words how I feel about this group. We are simply...."a good fit". I treasure the times we come together, and when we take a small hiatus from our weekly meetings due to our ever-changing roles with family, work, our churches and community....we always miss one another and look forward with anticipation for our next get-together.

We've taken a break this summer, and tonight was simply an evening of dinner and conversation. We talked about ideas of what we want to study in the fall, and we planned another get together in a few weeks just for fun.

There are so many things I love about this group of women. I love how diverse we are. I love the fact that our conversations can go from the silly and absurd to the funny and irreverent to the deep and intimate and to the spiritual.....all without us even batting an eye. I love the fact that we have grown so close and comfortable with one another, that we can drop all pretenses and just be ourselves. I love the feeling of warmth and acceptance I get when I am around them. I love their insights into our studies, how we take what we read and learn and apply it to our lives. I love how I feel challenged and able to think outside of the box when we do a study together. I love and appreciate the authenticity within each one of them. I love that I can both cry and laugh with these women.

Friendships like these are precious gems.

Today I am grateful for:

1. My girlfriends.

2. Laughter.

3. Hugs.

The Disorganized Mind

Having just recently been diagnosed with A.D.D., I find myself on yet ANOTHER unexpected journey at this stage of my life. I'm actually relieved to have a name and diagnosis now. Alot of things in my life are now making sense.

I've always been a people person, a hard worker, a creative thinker at times...but so much of my time and energy has been spent trying to focus on things that I couldn't seem to get done. I have a tendency to jump from one project to another, and I leave alot of things unfinished. I also struggle with feeling overwhelmed alot, although over the years I've learned to hide that pretty well and compensate for it in other areas.

I've been described as funny but scatterbrained most of my life. I like the "funny" part, but I'm hoping to lose the scatterbrained description.

It's been a week today that I have been on medication. I see a difference in some areas, but still have trouble focusing for regular periods of time like most people. But there has been improvement. Knowing that I need to "redirect" my brain and do some brain coaching and not rely on the meds only, I have immersed myself in learning as much as I can about A.D.D. The above book "The Disorganized Mind" has been very illuminating for me. As I opened it this past Sunday and began to read, I kept underlining and circling sentences and thinking to myself "This is ME!"

However, THIS is also me....I left the book at Casie's apartment when I was visiting. LOL. Yep, the book I couldn't put down is 2.5 hours away now.

Talk about "the disorganized mind". Guess I still have a quite a way to go!

Today I am thankful for:

1. This diagnosis...even if it IS later in life.

2. The counselor who suggested to me that I explore the A.D.D. possibility and get tested, and my personal physician who agreed, and the wonderful psychologist who actually made the diagnosis. Each of these 3 individuals have been godsends for me. So often we deal with providers who are impersonal and seem uncaring. I can honestly say, that my relationship with these people has been personal, warm and nurturing.

3. The ability to accept and even find humor in this situation. (Trust me...this is GOD at work in me, totally.)

Hot Flashes

I'm at the age in life where the hot flashes are normal....they're something I am living with, although I don't really greet them with a smile. Unless you've experienced this physical phenomenon, you may not understand just HOW HOT they can be. But trust me...it's like molten lava is running through your body. I remember one time at Home Depot, my family found me in the refrigerator section, with my head stuck in the one freezer the store had set up and running. Another time, they had an "intervention" for me...I was called to the living room where they sat in winter gloves, coats and hats....begging me to turn the A/C up because they were so cold. I looked at them like they were crazy....I was perfectly comfortable.

However, when Casie, my 22 year old daughter, told me over the phone that had began having these a few months ago, I wasn't concerned at first. I just figured she was getting overheated while exercising or doing something physical. But a couple of weeks ago, when she and I were in Texas, I actually saw her have a true hot flash....just like her menopausal mama. Now...she and I have alot in common. We love reading, we love old movies, musicals, Cary Grant and Gene Kelly, we love Sonic, we love dogs, and well...the list could go on and on. But hot flashes? We really don't need to have this in common. I mean...if you see a 45+ woman walking with a personal mister and cooling fan pointed at her face, you don't even blink. But if you see a young, cute college girl doing the same thing, you do a double take.

I told her to go get some bloodwork done when she got back to campus, and lo and behold...several days later we have an official diagnosis now. She has Graves Disease, unfortunately inherited by me. I was diagnosed at 27, and I thought THAT was young. She's just 22. Alot has changed in the medical world since my diagnosis, and as we learned today about her options for treatment and she made her choice, I was thankful she had other routes to go than what I had 20 years ago.

As we sat in the waiting room today, she began to have one of these "ever so fun episodes", and all we could find after frantically digging through both of our purses, was one legal sized envelope with which we devised a fan and frantically began trying to cool her down. We began to laugh and joke about how many middle aged moms and college aged daughters have hot flashes together.

As we laughed and joked in the waiting room, I realized I was glad to share this moment with her. NOT the hot flash moment itself, but the moment of spontaneous laughter we shared as we were dealing with it.

We picked up her meds tonight, and we are hoping that they work quickly.

Today I am grateful for:

1. Medical improvements.

2. The ability to laugh when things aren't going as you planned.

3. Portable fans and personal misters...and Sonic ice...and freezers....and snow cones....and cold showers....well, you get the idea.

Today has been a nice relaxing Sunday...my favorite kind!

I was able to spend some early morning time in my hammock....Flash laid across my lap and took a nap and Cocoa laid underneath the hammock. It was a wonderful morning...cool, a slight breeze, beautiful sunshine...a wonderful way to start a Sunday morning. By the time I needed to go inside and get ready for church, I had already spent some wonderful one-on-one time with God, and in the place I feel Him the most...outside in His creation.

After church, I headed straight for the town of Conway, where Casie is going to school and living. We have hung out in her apartment together today and I really am enjoying the time with her. We both love rainy days, and by this afternoon, the sunshine had changed to thunderstorms. We popped popcorn and watched movies. Took her out for dinner and then a quick trip to the store, and we are back now.

We both wish Linds was here with us, but she and a friend are in Oklahoma visiting another friend who had to move this summer. I just love the specialness and intimacy of good friendships, and so glad that she is able to spend time with these special people.

As I've aged, one thing I've learned is that a regular, ordinary, relaxing day is really special. I don't have to have something exciting or extraordinary. So many of life's memories that we treasure are made up of the simple days we share.

Today I am grateful for:

1. My quiet morning in the hammock.

2. My time with Casie.

3. Knowing Lindsey is building memories of a lifetime just by being with friends.

Helping a Friend Cry

I'm currently reading a book entitled "Walking with God on the Road You Never Wanted to Travel" by Mark Atteberry. I'm about to begin Chap 4, and already several things are speaking out to me.

As you know, I AM on a road I never wanted to travel. But here I am. And quite awhile back, I decided that I'd better get all the help I could in navigating this journey. I'm very thankful that I was healthy enough to make that realization, because I don't think we are designed to travel hard roads alone, no matter how strong we might be.

This is the type of book that would be great to discuss with others...alot of thought provoking statements inside.

I'll just touch on one thing today that has struck a chord within me.

The author writes:

"I love the story about the four-year-old boy who saw his next door neighbor, an elderly gentleman, sitting on his porch, weeping after his wife's funeral. Without saying a word, he walked over, climbed up on the old man's lap, and just sat there. Later, his mother, who'd been watching out the window, asked him what he said to the old man. The little boy answers, "Nothing; I just helped him cry."

WOW. Out of the mouths of babes, eh? I've been blessed to have friends who will simply be with me and help me cry...either sitting next to me, or from afar. They are the kinds that are comfortable being with you in your time of pain, without the need to offer platitudes, advice, or empty words. They don't feel the need to cajole you into laughing or the need to "shush" your tears. They are content to just BE.

The author also reminds us of the verse Romans 12:15 "When others are happy, be happy with them. If they are sad, share their sorrow."

We aren't meant to always fix it, or try to fix it. We aren't expected to say something all the time. Sometimes we just need to be the friend that helps another cry.

That's not to say that we are to enable a person to stay in a pit, or be mired down in the mud. Sometimes we are needed to be proactive with our wounded friends. But that's another chapter.

Today I am grateful for:

1. Friends who help me cry.

2. Learning through my own pain how to be THAT kind of friend myself.

3. The amazing way that sometimes tears give way to smiles and laughter. "Weeping may remain for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."

Mother May I

I remember as a child LOVING to play "Mother May I"....the game where you could take the baby steps, giant steps, scissor steps, etc.

Sometimes I feel like I am playing that in my own life right now as I begin to redefine and rediscover who I am. Will today be a day of baby steps as I inch towards something? Will I feel very confident and exuberant enough to....GULP....try a GIANT step? Will I be uncertain and wary and go for the awkward scissor step....trying to sidestep certain issues or people? What if I mess up and find myself taking a backward step?

Learning to navigate life as a single mom and woman is a series of ALL of these steps. Although our divorce isn't final yet, I feel single already, in the sense of tackling life alone, as we have basically been separated most of the last three years. I am still living life very respectful of the boundaries of marriage, and so, until our divorce is final, I do know that I am still married. But due to the fact that this has been such a long few years, and the fact that we are in the final stages, I am finding myself thinking and reacting to life as a single mom. Sound confusing? Yep, it is.

Anyways....I am taking all of these steps. I will say that ANY step forward...the baby step or the giant step, is so good for my soul. I feel as if I've accomplished something major everytime my life, my healing, my self esteem, my conquering of fears moves forward. I'll gladly take it an inch at a time...when I'm able to leap..I feel ecstatic. But there has been alot of the scissor stepping...learning to discuss issues with the girls' father from a different perspective...someone who loves our girls as deeply as I do, yet someone who is no longer living with me requires alot of that awkward scissor stepping. And believe me, I have taken alot of backward steps on this journey also.

As I think of this, I realize that our spiritual lives and emotional lives are often full of these steps anyway...regardless of our marital status. We grow a little, take a baby step. We discover something about ourselves or something about our Lord and move forward with that giant step. We feel unsure and take the scissor step....we mess up, and backwards we go.

Lately, I've been taking more of the forward moving steps....and it is feeling really good. I mean REALLY good. I've learned alot about perseverance and that means that sometimes, I've just had to "stand still". As a kid, if the person playing "Mother" didn't call on my name to take a step, I remember feeling impatient waiting my turn. As I'm learning more and more about handing over my control to God, there has been ALOT of waiting...standing still. And yes, true to my human nature, I have been impatient. I have tapped my toes. But God is sovereign, and knows what is best...and my toe tapping probably only makes Him chuckle. You see, I am really trying not to take steps without asking "God, may I?" Because I have found that when I take these steps in life WITHOUT Him, I often find myself having to go backwards and start over. But I am here to say that God rewards our obedience, and when the time is right, when it is HIS time, and not ours, He says "Yes, you may"....and we find ourselves able to take these steps.

Today, I am grateful for:

1. The value in standing still.

2. Steps.

3. The fact that God still loves me and smiles on me, even when I have to go back to the starting line.

Changes

Nothing in my life seems stable right now....although when I actually stop to reflect on that statement, I can see that I need to restate. ALOT in my life is changing, and unstable.

What is constant is God's amazing grace, mercy and love for me. He just continues to pour it down over my head.

Another constant....the love that flows between my daughters and me. They are my greatest joy on earth.

And yet....another constant....the love and support of the fabulous friends I have.

Maybe I should rename this blog "My Constants"????

But it really is true that my life is changing...I am seeking to redefine myself and rediscover myself. I am transitioning from wife to single woman. In mid-life. A scary and daunting venture...but God is holding my hand.

My oldest daughter transitioned this summer from coming home to staying at UCA fulltime. I wasn't quite prepared for that. It seems as if she is gone permanently, although she comes home alot. For which I am thankful.

My youngest daughter is changing from pre-teen to full blown teenager. Well, she is 13....in her eyes, a full blown teenager. She keeps reminding me of the ability to get her permit next year.

My health is changing...I recently was diagnosed as A.D.D....yep, in my late 40s. (I'm always late...so this would be typical for me) I started meds today, and could already tell a difference in my focus. I'm hoping my disorganized mind vastly improves.

My financial status has changed...the pending divorce leaves me with alot of worry and concern over being responsible for so much. I have to take deep breaths....and tell myself "God knows my needs".

Casie, my oldest, has a health issue that is a big change for her. I won't share that just now...it's hers to share. And although it's going to be okay, it will mean a daily medication for her and some changes in her life.

My attitude is changing....I find myself becoming more peaceful and happy. This is a result of healing.

My activities and interests are changing...I feel the need to broaden my activities and relationships.

My walk with the Lord is changing....my personal family crisis has made me rely on God in a deeper way than ever before. I've learned to say "Here.....it's in YOUR hands". I have realized that giving up control is hard....but comes with such huge blessings.

My self confidence is changing....I am moving (maybe 2 steps forward, 3 steps back...but still...) into a place where I am confident...confident that I am a child of the King and that I AM LOVED. Being rejected took a huge toll on me, and feeling discarded and unloved as well as unloveable kept me in a pit. I am emerging.

Today, I am grateful for:

1. Changes.

2. Growth

3. Constants

July 4th

Well, my blog is simply titled July 4th, although today is the 5th. Yesterday was too busy for me to sit down and take the time to write. Actually, I could've given up the after church nap....but...nah.

More nostalgia on this holiday, as I reminisced about all the July 4ths our family enjoyed together. Wonderful memories....now it's simply time to make new ones. As I go through these nostalgic times of realizing how much our lives have changed, I simply have to mentally will myself to "snap out of it"...take the good memories with me, treasure them, not be afraid to revisit them, but also find the God given strength (and I give Him all the credit on my strength) and move ahead...forging new traditions, keeping some of the old, and making new memories that will be different, but hopefully just as good.

Had a wonderful worship service, and grilled ribs (our tradition we shall keep) and the sides for our lunch after church. Took a quick nap (always my Sunday routine...but especially needed since Lindsey was hosting a few of her friends over for a party at supper time). I was a little intimidated by the boy/girl aspect, and of the shooting of the big fireworks, knowing it would just "be me". I was the solo adult in charge. I felt more than capable, and yet, intimidated at the same time. These are a great group of kids however, so I felt it would be fine. And fine it was...they were fun, energetic, lively and well behaved. Of course, they were way more preoccupied with fire power than I would've liked...but hey...you're only 13 once. Casie had gone out with some of her old high school buddies who had decided this would be a good time to catch up on where their lives had taken them over the last 4 years. Hanging out with young people is a good way to feel young yourself...of course, I felt quite old this morning when I woke up. I've had alot of late nites recently, and they are definitely taking a toll on this ol' chick.

This morning, I slept in late, then woke up, made a cold drink, and took the current novel I am reading, and made my way to the hammock. A wonderful summer breeze and cooler temps allowed me to enjoy being outside for a couple of hours before the heat kicked in and I wanted a/c. I felt lazy and wonderful. Casie goes back to UCA tomorrow, and it'll just be me and Linds again. I love having both of them together, as all moms do when their kids are all at home at once.

Today I am thankful for:

1. My girls

2. Lazy days of summer.

3. Fireworks and freedom.

A Little Hammock Time

Today was a regular summer Saturday...girls sleeping late (I didn't mind...just glad they are home at the same time!), errands and grocery shopping, the girls' dad came over and spent some time with them, and then they left for the Memphis Redbird game. I finished up some work in the backyard, and then upon feeling a cool breeze....quickly made my way to my favorite outdoor spot....the hammock.

I had been having a mental pity party while I was mowing. It's an odd feeling seeing the girls go off with their dad. Not that I don't want them to....I'm glad they do. It's just that the dissolvement of a family is sad all the way around. There's no other way to put it. Baseball games are something we all enjoyed together. One year, that was his Valentine Day present from me, season tickets. So, I was feeling nostalgic and sad knowing they were doing something we used to all do together. We have also had some wonderful July 4ths together....and it is sad to me, knowing that we won't be anymore. So my mind was getting bogged down in sadness.

I eased in, glad to have a place to rest the tired ol' body (yard work takes a toll on me the older I get), and looked up towards the sky. Gorgeous blue, a few white fluffy clouds. The dogs were laying in the grass next to me, birds were actually chirping, leaves rustling in the wind....it was a perfect evening.

I was able to think on some things that have been crowding my mind lately...and for some reason, I think clearly outside and even more clearly in my hammock. Maybe it's all in my head, but I seem to have better focus out there. I spent some much needed time in prayer. And afterwards, I dozed in my hammock and enjoyed a nap in the fading sunshine.

When it came time to come back inside, I felt more relaxed and centered. I was able to realize that I am still going to feel some sadness over 23 years of marriage ending. There is still some pain to work through, and more tears that will be shed. But, I was also able, after my prayers and reflection, to realize that God still has plans for me....and they are going to be good, and I am excited to find out what they are. I felt His healing hands upon me again today...reminding me that He is in control, and He has me safely in His arms.

That's what my hammock does for me.

Today I am grateful for:

1. My hammock.

2. The freedom I have to go outside in my backyard and worship and pray. What a great country we live in!

3. Healing.

Anticipation

Friday.....yea!!! There's always a sense of anticipation for me on Fridays...I look forward to my weekends, whether they be quiet relaxing ones with no agenda or hectic ones with a full schedule. Just the change of being away from the office (as much as I love my job) is good for me.
I am eagerly awaiting the arrival of both of my girls tonight. Casie coming home for just the weekend, and Linds coming back home to stay after spending a week with her sister. Too much quiet was a little offsetting for me. I actually accomplished NOTHING as far as household projects this week. I DID accomplish alot of reading, and that was nice.

Things I am grateful for today:

1. Anticipation - I like having something to look forward to.

2. Simplicity - we are going to have a simple weekend this July 4th....time together spent relaxing, board games, good food. A small party of Lindsey's friends on the night of the 4th, and I'm sure a few fireworks.

3. Time - I love the time that I spend with friends and family....I am thankful for it, and I treasure time more and more with each passing year. Aging has a way of doing that for you!

Just an Ordinary Day

It's Thursday, and nothing really spectacular has happened today...nothing has really been revealed to me during prayer time or any of my thinking time. Just an ordinary, regular day...a mixture of problems, solutions, conversations, emails, work, errands.

I'm missing my girls like crazy. While I am used to Casie being away at school, this is the first year she has chosen to go to summer school. I still haven't quite adapted to her being gone all year long, and it's now July. So yes, I'm missing her. And I'm missing Lindsey like crazy. This past year, she and I have grown really close as it's just been "us". The two of us living in our home. She is spending the week with her sister, which is great for them. For me, however, it just makes me want to be where they are or have them here with me. We love to pile up on the bed and talk and laugh, share stories and laughter over a meal, and just hang out in general. I TREASURE these times...I just soak it all in. Life is so short, and time flies so quickly...and I am always aware that our times together are valuable. They will be "home" tomorrow evening, and I will be a happy mama.

Today I am grateful for:

1. The bird outside my office window who actually pecked at the glass for more food (I had put out food on my windowsill yesterday). How fun! I went out and put some crushed up crackers on the windowsill (while he watched from a tree), came back inside and watched him fly back to my window ledge and eat away.

2. My prayer life. I think I am blessed to have been raised in a family that emphasized the power of prayer, and who prayed on a regular basis. Combine that with a wonderful church family growing up, and wonderful Christian friends along the way...and my prayer life has grown, deepened, and I treasure my time talking with and listening to God.

3. Crushed ice. I'm addicted. Totally. And it's a great treat on a hot summer day.