I remember as a child LOVING to play "Mother May I"....the game where you could take the baby steps, giant steps, scissor steps, etc. Sometimes I feel like I am playing that in my own life right now as I begin to redefine and rediscover who I am. Will today be a day of baby steps as I inch towards something? Will I feel very confident and exuberant enough to....GULP....try a GIANT step? Will I be uncertain and wary and go for the awkward scissor step....trying to sidestep certain issues or people? What if I mess up and find myself taking a backward step?
Learning to navigate life as a single mom and woman is a series of ALL of these steps. Although our divorce isn't final yet, I feel single already, in the sense of tackling life alone, as we have basically been separated most of the last three years. I am still living life very respectful of the boundaries of marriage, and so, until our divorce is final, I do know that I am still married. But due to the fact that this has been such a long few years, and the fact that we are in the final stages, I am finding myself thinking and reacting to life as a single mom. Sound confusing? Yep, it is.
Anyways....I am taking all of these steps. I will say that ANY step forward...the baby step or the giant step, is so good for my soul. I feel as if I've accomplished something major everytime my life, my healing, my self esteem, my conquering of fears moves forward. I'll gladly take it an inch at a time...when I'm able to leap..I feel ecstatic. But there has been alot of the scissor stepping...learning to discuss issues with the girls' father from a different perspective...someone who loves our girls as deeply as I do, yet someone who is no longer living with me requires alot of that awkward scissor stepping. And believe me, I have taken alot of backward steps on this journey also.
As I think of this, I realize that our spiritual lives and emotional lives are often full of these steps anyway...regardless of our marital status. We grow a little, take a baby step. We discover something about ourselves or something about our Lord and move forward with that giant step. We feel unsure and take the scissor step....we mess up, and backwards we go.
Lately, I've been taking more of the forward moving steps....and it is feeling really good. I mean REALLY good. I've learned alot about perseverance and that means that sometimes, I've just had to "stand still". As a kid, if the person playing "Mother" didn't call on my name to take a step, I remember feeling impatient waiting my turn. As I'm learning more and more about handing over my control to God, there has been ALOT of waiting...standing still. And yes, true to my human nature, I have been impatient. I have tapped my toes. But God is sovereign, and knows what is best...and my toe tapping probably only makes Him chuckle. You see, I am really trying not to take steps without asking "God, may I?" Because I have found that when I take these steps in life WITHOUT Him, I often find myself having to go backwards and start over. But I am here to say that God rewards our obedience, and when the time is right, when it is HIS time, and not ours, He says "Yes, you may"....and we find ourselves able to take these steps.
Today, I am grateful for:
1. The value in standing still.
2. Steps.
3. The fact that God still loves me and smiles on me, even when I have to go back to the starting line.
