Celebrating Lindsey

December has been a month of celebration for us. We had Casie's birthday first, college graduation, and yesterday was Lindsey's 14th birthday. Hard to believe my "baby girl" is in junior high and is fourteen years old. She graciously decided to hold off on a larger birthday party this year until sometime in January. We'll have a group of friends over to our house then or maybe to another location. But with graduation added into the mix this year, December became overwhelming pretty quickly in the scheduling department.

She went with her dad to lunch and spent the afternoon with him, and they had a great time together. After I left the office, I picked up Linds and a friend, Alexandra, and we headed to Memphis for dinner and a movie. Listening to Taylor Swift and Justin Bieber on the way, I had alot of fun with those two girls in the car. Just listening to teenagers is a riot at times. We had a burger and fries at Steak 'n Shake, and then arrived at the movies too full to even get a popcorn.

As her dad and I were talking about Lindsey yesterday, we both traveled back to the day she was born. When she was born, she had Group B Strep and also pneumonia. My baby girl went straight from my arms to the NICU at the hospital. We could see her every 4 hours for 10 minutes. Linds came into the world not only very sick, but with alot of spunk. She fought hard those first few days, but she won. She's been spunky ever since. She's such a whirlwind, that sometimes I have trouble keeping up with her. She is a very social person, and likes to be around friends or family most of the time. There are times I have to make her slow down, and just have some time to herself. She looks at me with that look that only teenagers can give, but she goes along. She is a curious young lady, and has been since birth. She wants to see new things, go new places, have new experiences often. Life with Lindsey has been adventurous to say the least. She has a quick wit, and keeps me laughing alot. One of the things I'm the most proud of in her is that she is a person of compassion and caring for those around her. In her earlier school years, she felt bad that her best friend and our next door neighbor didn't receive an award at the end of school that year. Most of the kids seemed to have one at least ONE reward or certificate, but not Tate. We drove home, and she couldn't stop worrying about him. So, she marched into our computer room, and began to get on a program to design him a certificate. I went in there to help. We printed out an award for "Best Friend Ever" and she signed it, making it all official, and then marched straight next door to knock on his door and give it to him. I think it was one of the sweetest (and shortest) award ceremonies I've ever attended. But what a precious moment! His toothless grin stretched from one end of his face to the other, and he treasured that award. They promptly waved me off and then went off to play outside. She's always been that way, and we've come up with many things like that to do for her friends and encourage them when they are down. That makes her a pretty special young lady in my unbiased (ha) opinion.

So here's to you Linds...may your life continue to be an adventure...and may your inward beauty continue to shine. I love you!

Look Out World

What a celebratory weekend in our family! My oldest daughter, Casie, graduated from the University of Central Arkansas with a Bachelor of Health Sciences. She had papers, presentations and finals right up until the very end....by the time the Big Event arrived on Saturday, I'm sure she was simply running on adrenaline. But she was glowing as she walked across that stage to receive her diploma.

She had quite a crew cheering her on....her father and I, her sister, both sets of grandparents, 2 aunts, 2 uncles, and 5 cousins. Not to mention all the cards and phone calls she received this week from so many others family and friends.

In the words of Dr. Seuss:

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go..."

Casie, it's going to be exciting as you begin a new journey in life and to find out what God has in store for you!

I Am Taking Care of You

God's faithfulness is something that I am sure of, and yet, constantly amazed by. Throughout my life, God has never changed...He has been the constant. Life has changed, circumstances change, relationships change, I have changed, the people in my life have changed....but God is always there...unchanging and ever faithful.

As a newly single woman and mother, there are times that I feel frightened, alone, and overwhelmed. God is there to hear my fears and answer them, He comforts me when I feel alone and reminds me that I am not, and brings about a calmness, blessings, encouragement and solutions when I am overwhelmed.

Often the Lord uses the people in my life to bring about the solutions, encouragement and blessings. I am so filled with awe and gratitude for these earthly angels.

In the last week, I received a card from a girlfriend. That's not unusual...she and I correspond quite a bit, and we love to send cards. Inside was a Christmas ornament with a friendship saying and then a note "This is not a Christmas present...this is something to get you through the slump". (She and I decided not to exchange at Christmas a few years ago...although we frequently find reasons to send each other things throughout the year. We simply didn't want to the other to feel overwhelmed during a financially stressful time of year). Anyway...the "UNChristmas present" was a Visa giftcard to use when I needed. I just sat there with tears in my eyes...she has walked the scary road of divorce and single motherhood, and she now walks the road of healing and a new life filled with love. But she remembers...and she is a huge source of blessing, encouragement and friendship in my life.

I also received the blessing of having my lost bifocals replaced. I won't share the person's name just yet, but maybe someday. The message to go pick up something at the clinic was sent privately, and this person is a pretty private individual. I have been wearing my old "backup" pair from years ago, simply because replacing the new pair from last spring was going to be too costly for me at this time. The others, while not that attractive, worked just fine. But I missed my newer ones quite a bit (they were lost in July) and this person simply told me "Merry Christmas". I sat in the parking lot and cried as I put on the new bifocals....I had been blessed in such a huge and generous way. I am so filled with humble gratitude at this gift, but also at the blessing of this person's friendship.

Tonight, on the eve of Casie's college graduation, Linds and I met up with Casie, my parents from Texas, and 2 of my aunts and uncles for an early Christmas dinner at a restaurant. The hugs, laughter and conversation that soon filled the table were heartwarming and encouraging in a way that only the familiarity of family ties can bring. The girls and I met up with Mom and Dad a little after dinner at their hotel and visited. While the girls were opening up birthday presents (both have December birthdays), Mom pointed to a beautifully wrapped gift on the coffee table. Cellophane with snowflakes and a big gorgeous red ribbon tied up this beautiful package. She told me that one of her friends in my hometown of Grand Prairie, Texas, who I have come to know through my mom, sent it for me. As I untied the beautiful bow, I was already touched not even knowing what it was. Just the thought of someone that I have only recently, in the last few years, come to know and only see when I go home for a visit, yet was kind enough to send a gift, was already causing a lump in my throat. Tied to the bow was a beautiful cross ornament with a butterfly and the word "HOPE" dangling from it. I love the symbol of the butterfly...something beautiful emerging from a caterpillar and cocoon. It just fills me with hope for new possibilities. And of course, the symbol of the cross...the power of the Savior's love, is very important in my life. And I haven't even OPENED the package yet! Inside the cellphane was a gorgeous bronzed tin with a cross on it and the words "FAITH". This round tin is one that can sit out on a table all year long...it is simply beautiful. And inside were the most scrumptious homemade buttery cookies in the shape of Christmas trees that I have ever tasted. We sat around the hotel room, nibbling (scarfing them down is more like it) on those yummy treats and talking about the giving spirit of the woman who had baked them and put together this gift for me.

As I looked around the room...I felt such enormous love...the love I have for my parents, and they for me. The love I have for my daughters and the love they have for me. The swelling in both my heart and throat were growing by the minute. It was ABUNDANT.

All week long I have felt God's encouragement raining down on me, and the reminder that "I AM TAKING CARE OF YOU". I don't need tangible gifts to know this truth...but this week, God chose to show me in tangible ways. He used these people to lift me up, and I know that they are going to be filling the blessings of the Lord raining down on them. That's the wonderful thing about allowing God to use you in meaningful ways....you not only bless the recipient (me in this case) but God chooses to bless you for being a faithful servant.

Tonight...well, this morning...(I am wide awake at 3:50 am) I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the abundance of encouragement, generosity and love that has been sent my way. And I am praying an abundance of blessing on all of these angels.

The Birthday Girl

Yesterday was Casie's 23rd birthday. I can't believe my firstborn is 23 years old. It seems like just yesterday she was snuggling in my lap. One of my favorite memories is how she would cuddle in my lap when she was a toddler and preschooler and hug my neck and say "Oh how I love that Mommy smell!" My heart would just melt.

So she's older now, and she is cuddling with the purse of her dreams and probably saying "Oh how I love that new purse smell!" But that's okay...because, I, the mommy, found it for her! :)

Seriously, I am honored to be her mother. She was a beautiful baby and has grown into a beautiful woman. And I'm not even talking about the outward appearance, although she truly is beautiful outwardly. I'm talking about something more important...her soul. She is a beautiful soul. She is a young woman who lives out the fruits of the Spirit....love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

My own mother and I are very close...and I considered myself close to all my grandmothers and great grandmother. I'm blessed to still have one remaining grandmother as a matter of fact, and I treasure her. So, I always felt loved and nurtured by the women in my family. And yet, until I held Casie in my arms for the first time, I never knew the intensity of the love between mother and child. And Casie won't get it until she is blessed to have her own child.

I'm glad that we had a good celebration yesterday. Her dad even came over and took us all to lunch to celebrate her special day, and we all four had a lovely afternoon together. We ate her favorite cheesecake from the Cheesecake Corner in Memphis, and we played a boardgame together, all four of us laughing quite a bit. Although life's changes aren't always good, I'm glad for the bond of children, and how the celebration of life can bring people together for awhile. She hugged me and said her birthday was a great one, and those words have made my heart melt all over again.

The Loss of a Friend

I mourn the loss of a very old and dear friend this week. He was in a fatal traffic accident in Dallas this week...leaving a void in the lives of many.

We were high school buds first, high school sweethearts off and on for a time, then buddies again. Being young and immature, we went through phases of extreme devotion or extreme frustration with one another. Our friendship began at age 15 and lasted until age 47. Our friendship began in the excitement and idealism of our teenage years, and most recently found itself in the reality of life....finding contentment in the joys of it, realizing the sorrows of it, and talking about you hopefully are constantly growing and redefining yourself.

I tried to write about Eric earlier this week, only to find myself not knowing where to start. I wasn't quite brave enough to put thought or feeling to paper....(er, computer screen). Another wonderful friend of both of ours, who now lives in Virginia, and writes a wonderful blog, wrote beautiful words about him yesterday. I finally decided to sit down myself and see if I could find the words.

My friend's name is Eric Heebner.  From the time we were teenagers, he was determined to be different. And he succeeded well in that endeavor.

 He wanted to prove to people who did not believe he would be successful, that YES, he would be. He wanted to be successful in friendships, family life, school, his career (both military and post-military), hobbies and pursuits. He pursued life with gusto...mixed with lots of caring and compassion. He wanted to see the world, and he did see probably most of it.

Eric seemed to succeed in everything he touched...his military career was successful, his undergraduate and graduate career was successful, his writings were successful enough to be published. Since I was fortunate enough to reconnect with him in adulthood, I knew him as a nurse, nurse practitioner, public health officer, writer, speaker, and most recently, business owner and practitioner of his own mental health business. But it's not his professional life that I want to write about.

He chose to reconnect with people and make amends many years ago to anyone he felt he might have hurt. He chose to forgive those in his past that had hurt him. He was on a mission to make any "wrong" relationships "right" again. He found me about 10 years ago, living in another state, and we began to re-establish a friendship and catch up with one another and follow one another's family life, career, etc. He was a husband, father, brother, son, and wonderful friend.

Eric was kind, warm and extremely funny. But one of the most tragic things about Eric to many of us who knew him well, was that he seemed to still be a lonely soul in many ways, and still seemed to be seeking something that was illusive to him. I'm not sure he ever quite grasped just how many people truly loved him, wanted to be his friend, just enjoyed his company. If he felt he had let you down in any way, he would often "retreat" from the friendship for a little while....seeming to not understand that most people accept the flaws of each other and move on. He could be incredibly tough on himself.

This morning, I was re-reading one of his older blogs...and came across these words, used in describing himself.

"I study hard, work hard and always want people in my life that 1) Reciprocates 2) Encourages 3) Forgives 4) Grows and 5)Judicioulsy exercise Ecclesiastes chapter 3 in friendship. A tall order indeed. Who am I that I should ask for so much? Worthy of my own expectations? (See #3) I know who I am not, I know that I can be something worse and have. I know my friends have said the same about themselves. This is why they are my friends, partly."

* I left his misspelling in his words just as he wrote them. Eric was a NOTORIOUSLY bad speller, and I am a very good one. In high school, he would usually show me his homework so that I could correct the spelling. It became something we joked about later in our 40s.

In 2002, he sent me a package that had a piece of lava in it that he had picked up somewhere in one of his many travels. He had carried it for years, and was now sending it to me. I was going through a particularly tough time, and quite down on myself. I wish I had kept the words he had written, so that I could quote them here. But what he sent to me was more than a piece of lava...he sent me encouragement. And the meaning behind the words I have forgotten, was that there are times in our life that we are going to be refined by fire. We will feel like we will never survive the intensity. But we will..and when we are in the fire, we are being refined. And we will come out as something very unique, if we allow ourselves.

Now...knowing Eric and his quirky and hilarious sense of humor...he probably picked that lava rock up at a landscaping store and sent it to me with those words. I know him quite well. But the gesture of sending that piece of lava, carefully placed in bubble wrap and placed in a cardboard box with words of encouragement for me showed the kind of friend he was. It has set in my office since 2002...and my office has changed locations 3 times since then. The rock has always made the move with me.

So thank you my friend....for high school "love notes", holding of hands, dances, getting me into trouble in choir, making me laugh on school bus trips, for sharing your poetry with me, for movie dates, for being brave enough to face my parents when we were late once, for helping me learn you can argue and still speak to one another (well...after the obligatory length of high school silence), for meeting me at the school bus with flowers you brought to me to take to drill team camp, for late night phone calls (I talked under the covers of my bedspread as if that really fooled my mom), for eating the inedible brownies and cookies I made for your our sophomore year when I was your spirit booster for football (or pretending like you did), for the kimono you sent from Korea in our early 20s, for well wishes sent from afar when I was getting married, to later comforting me with phone calls when my marriage was ending. Thank you for sharing poetry...from the writings of a 16 year old boy to a grown man in his 40s, excited over having one published. Thank you for wanting me to know you had become a man of faith, when you weren't even sure God existed when we were young. Thank you for sharing tips on how to lose weight as we both talked about mid life weight gains and health worries. Thank you for for making amends. Thank you for accepting mine. Thank you for taking the time to reconnect. Thank you for making me laugh when I wanted to cry. Thank you for calling me once when YOU needed to cry, and you did. Thank you for most recently helping me rebuild self esteem which I had seemed to lose. Thank you for my cup of coffee and the hug in June. Thank you for my lava rock.

The First Few Days of December

It seems as if I'm becoming a lazy blogger these days, but it's not intentional. I love this time of year, and like everyone, my life just becomes busier and busier. Working in accounting at a law firm, one of my busiest times of year is the end of the year. So when I walk through the door a little after 5 pm, I'm already feeling wiped out. And simply because it's December, there are all sorts of seasonal activities and tasks to be done.

Before I sound like I'm complaining, I'm not. I LOVE THIS TIME OF YEAR. Seriously, I love it. I love it all...the decorating, the gift buying, the cooking and baking, the parades, the concerts, the church plays and music, the Christmas music everywhere, Christmas movies on tv, the anticipation of getting together with extended family, and the anticipation of the actual day itself.

In addition to the hustle and bustle of everyday life, I find myself in quite a more emotional state than I had been in October and November. While I still feel a peace about my new stage in life, I find myself very sentimental and reminiscent lately of Christmases past, and I feel both of our daughters are going through this also. I'm trying to keep our family traditions that are the most meaningful the same, so there is continuity. Both Casie and Lindsey enjoy that immensely. But I'm also trying to come up with new traditions, activities, etc now that our lives are different than they were previously. It's a hard balance to find. Couple that (the sentiment) with the hormones of my late 40s, and I seem extra weepy as of late. I have a couple of other girlfriends who are admitted "cry-ers" as I am, and we have joked that ever since our mid 40s, it isn't a normal day if we haven't had at least one good cry. The last couple of weeks, I've done more than that. And I never know when they will come...sometimes they are happy tears, sometimes they are sad tears, sometimes they are frustrated tears, sometimes they are just sentimental tears. But boy....do they come! Just today, my good friend Vicki and I shared a cry (well, a couple actually) over a gift and the words sent to her by another friend encouraging her before her 3rd chemo treatment tomorrow.

Think I'm through?? Not yet! In addition to the hustle and bustle of the season, the roller coaster of emotions, I also feel as if I'm entering a new season of "reflection and teaching" by the Lord. I'm feeling like a mirror is being held up to my soul, and while I see things I like, there are still those dark hidden corners that need to be opened up and cleaned out. So I'm learning alot about Tracy right now....and not necessarily anything I'm ready to put into the written word just yet.

December is flying by quickly..sometimes I want the pace to change so that I can savor it a little more slowly. I'm trying to squeeze every bit of savoring out of it that I can. All in all, even with the extra tears, December is a good month. I'm blessed beyond measure, and life is good. Difficult some of the time...but very, very good.

Time To Be Still

Over the past couple of weeks, I've found myself slipping into a "funk" (as I call it) every now and then. I don't stay that way very long...sometimes for a day or two, sometimes maybe only an hour or two. But the busier I get, the more I find myself having these moods where irritations, wounds, stresses, worries just pop up and take over.

This morning, as I was sitting in my favorite chair, house all quiet, Christmas tree lights on, hot cup of coffee, I got out the current devotional book I am using. Today's reflection was on "Being Still" and how that we find ourselves best prepared for life's battles when we have taken time to get to know God during our moments of simply "being still".

I realized again (sigh. Sometimes I am a slow learner) that I have been so busy that I have stopped the being still part. And I know from past experience, that when I get too busy to simply be quiet and still that I find myself frantic, hurried, worried, and my emotions seem to have more emphasis placed on them than they deserve.

So I was so grateful my Christmas tree this morning. Why you ask? Because every year when my tree goes up, it just beckons to me....I can almost hear it..."Come sit for a spell, Tracy. Enjoy my beauty". Ever since I was a little girl, I have been mesmerized by Christmas trees and Christmas lights. So for the last couple of mornings, I have been getting back into my routine of making sure I get up early enough to enjoy the quiet and stillness of the wee hours. I slowed down enough to spend time with God in prayer, reading and reflection. And as a result, I have felt better all day long.

I'm going to give myself a gift this Christmas season...the gift of stillness before God. And I'm going to unwrap it each morning (hopefully) with anticipation. Because I much prefer the joys that come from a few moments of stillness and quiet over the "funk" that I get in when I neglect that need within my soul.

Reflections of Thanksgiving

It's the Saturday morning after Thanksgiving, and I'm snuggled under a warm throw on the loveseat in our living room...looking at the lit Christmas tree, beautifully decorated, feet warmed by one of the dogs curled on top of them, enjoying the quiet and peace of my favorite time of day.

I've had a hard time blogging lately...wondering if any of my blogging friends ever go through this. Life continues, events continue, emotions continue...sometimes words just don't come easily to me when I sit to write.

I'm still adjusting to the "single life". It is an odd reality at times. It's hard to switch off thinking as a married person, to thinking as a single person. They say it takes only 3 weeks for a habit to form, so I guess I should cut myself some slack, as I was married for 23 years. Still...I'm wondering when it will not feel so weird to me.

Wednesday was full of anticipation....Lindsey was home from school, I was able to leave the office early to begin the Thanksgiving prep, and Casie was heading home. Our evening was full of laughter and silliness as we finally were all together and enjoying a casual supper of finger foods.

Thursday was a day that began with me slinging pots and pans in the kitchen, scurrying around, working hard and frantically to get it all together. Now I must say that even though I might look like a mess when I am cooking a big holiday meal, and even though my kitchen may look like a mess, I am one of my happiest times when I am preparing a meal like this. By the time we sat down to eat, I wasn't that hungry (I seldom am when I cook like that), but I looked around our table, and was so thankful for my 2 beautiful daughters and the joy that they bring me. We enjoyed our meal, and gradually, all 3 of us fell asleep in the living room...one on the loveseat, one on the couch, one in the easy chair....and all 3 dogs fell asleep as well. When I woke up, I couldn't help but laugh at the sight. We pulled down the tree from the attic and began to decorate later that evening.

Friday was the day that threw me...even though I was prepared emotionally. The girls were heading to Little Rock to see their paternal grandparents and spend the day with their Dad, who was there also. This was a good thing...one that I wanted to happen. It's just that I miss those two precious people, and I miss being a part of that. So as they got into Casie's car to travel to their grandparents, I decided to face the Black Friday crowds (something I don't necessarily enjoy) but I knew that I just needed to go do something and not stay home all day. I went to a store that I enjoy more than the girls do, I browsed, took my time, picked up a few gifts, and treated myself to a coffee and simply enjoyed the time alone. I'm learning from some wise women who have traveled this path ahead of me and who are wonderful about giving me tips on how to cope with some of the alone time.

Today, we have plans to go out shopping and enjoy a lunch together. Razorback football is on later today, and while I may have to listen to part of it on the radio (my girls aren't quite as football crazy as I am), I am happy to be spending the day with them. My house is a mess at the moment...kinda driving me crazy, kinda making me smile. Christmas boxes are everywhere...the tree was put up as I mentioned earlier...but we have the mantle, the entry way, the Snow Village and many other things to put out. The fall decorations have been taken down, and those boxes are waiting to go up into the attic. I'm ready for all the decorating to be done and boxes put away, but I'm learning more to enjoy the moment and not stress over the open box of garland and tissue wrapped ornaments taking up space on my couch. It's all getting done...and we're all doing it together. That's the most important thing.

So as I reflect halfway through this Thanksgiving weekend...I am thankful for my Savior, and how He continues to heal my wounded heart, and has brought a deep joy and peace into my life. I am thankful for my two beautiful daughters....they are beautiful inside and out. I am thankful for my extended family - those crazy, loving and supportive people....from my parents, to my grandmother, to my sister and brother and their families, to a wonderful crazy aunt....I am grateful for their presence in my life. I am thankful for the inlaws that I was blessed to be a part of their family for so long, and their influence in my life....I'm thankful that my girls will continue to be a part of that wonderful family. I am thankful for my friends....I am blessed to have some of the most loving people in my life....here in my town, a couple of hours away, some even a few states away....whether they support me in person, phone calls, blogging, emails or facebook....I am blessed to have such a wonderful network of loving people. I am thankful for the wonderful doctors that are treating my friend Vicki, as she battles cancer, and is WINNING. I am thankful for the job I have...with a boss and a team that value family and each other. I couldn't work for a greater person and with a greater group of people. I am thankful for my home....it's a tad run down, and needs many things done to it...but it's a warm and cozy home...and many memories have been made here and will continue to be made here. And I'm thankful for the trials in my life, because they have taught me to grow as a person, and they have helped me see that God is ever faithful in my life.

So....I'm going to stop writing for now (this has grown quite lengthy). I'm going to enjoy the solitude a tad bit longer, linger over a hot cup of coffee, look at my lit Christmas tree and the unpacked boxes left. I'll make a list of what needs to be done today, knowing we probably won't get to it all...but we WILL enjoy one another...we will laugh alot, probably argue a little, we will sing Christmas songs (loud and proud...maybe not so well) as we travel from store to store...we will eat a lunch together and whisper about Christmas secrets. We will come back home and finish watching the football game, and then pull out the last of the Thanksgiving leftovers. At the end of the day...I will be looking at them in my living room...and smiling at the richness of love in my life. And I will be reminded that although being single is odd for me...that I am still a blessed woman indeed.

New Every Morning

"Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness" Lamentations 3:22-23

This morning I am reminded of God's compassions, and how they are truly new each morning.

Right now, I have various friends, I'm thinking of 3 in particular, who have some very deep struggles going on in their lives. We are people who lift each other up in love, support and prayer..so I am aware of their struggles since they share with me. I've seen God's handprints all over their lives, and I know that God is ever faithful and will get them through the current trial they are facing.

Life would be so wonderful if the trials weren't a part of it! Or would it? When I think about my own life, some of my richest moments in life have been in the midst of a trial. For me, my deepest personal growth has usually resulted from a situation I didn't want to be in. Don't get me wrong...I do NOT like trials. I'm not THAT crazy. (craziness being a topic for another discussion). I have just lived long enough to know that after the trial, and sometimes during the trial, I've had some of life's most beautiful moments.

Looking back, or looking at the present...I am able to God's handprints all over. He doesn't take a big magic wand and make my troubles disappear, but I feel His hands on me...guiding me, comforting me, holding me when I need to be held. His hands are strong and gentle at the same time, and I'm so thankful for to be able to feel those hands.

My prayers this morning for my 3 friends who are hurting, are that they will feel God's hands upon them. I'm glad they are in my life, and that they are the kind of friends who share with me as I have shared with them. I grieve for the various wounds and or storms they are facing. I wish those things weren't in their lives right now. I'm praying that they will remember that they will NOT be consumed by the battles they are facing, because God's love is greater than whatever mountain we are having to climb.

And one of the sweetest reminders of God's faithfulness came in the form of an email from a precious friend, who has walked the road of heartache and divorce many years ago. God traveled with her on her painful journey, and has healed those wounds. She is in a loving marriage now, and she has a wonderful circle of family and friends. But the road has been hard. She and I have prayed, cried, laughed and grown together. And except for a very brief time, never lived in the same town! She has been blessed to have an early Thanksgiving weekend with ALL of her grown kids and some of their friends and/or significant others in her home. She wrote me this morning to tell me of getting choked up in her Thankgiving prayer before the meal...choked up because she was so overwhelmed with the bounty of love at that table, and her heart was bursting at the seams with the joy of all being together. When you go through a painful season, you wonder at times if you will feel that kind of happiness...the kind that chokes you up and just makes you heart feel so full and warm. You may be having the joy and peace that God gives, but there are moments that you just want that emotion of happiness again. My friend has had a huge dose of that this weekend.

This morning, as I lift my hurting friends up, I was delighted that I also was able to share in another friend's happiness. What a beautiful reminder that we will not be consumed by life and the trials it brings...I'm so thankful that He is faithful and that we can have new mornings.

In All Things....

"Who does not thank for little will not thank for much." - Estonian Proverb

As this week is drawing to a close, and I am making my shopping list for Thanksgiving dinner, planning the menu, figuring out our schedule for the Thanksgiving weekend...I've been so busy that I haven't taken the time this week, until today, to really think about all that I am thankful for.

Lindsey and I are putting together our toys for Operation Christmas Child...something our family has done for most of the years that we have lived in Marion. I was hoping that we could do it next weekend, when Casie was home, so that all 3 of us could each do a box. But the deadline to turn in the boxes is this weekend, so Linds and I decided to each do one. It's a small gesture, but one we've really been blessed being a part of all these years.

I'm thankful that we are able to participate in a giving ministry such as this, and I'm thankful that my girls enjoy giving and are blessed by it. I'm thankful that although we've gone through some really tough times, that we are still blessed beyond measure.

Today I'm also thankful for the wonderful boss that I am blessed to work for. Yesterday was Vicki's second chemo treatment for her breast cancer, and I was picking her up and driving her to the office for about 45 minutes to handle a few things, then I was driving her down the street to the cancer treatment center she goes to. Our boss emailed me at home the night before and told me to stay with her that morning until her husband, a teacher, was able to join her a few hours later. He, along with our entire law firm, have all linked arms to support her and help her in this battle. Vicki and I are not only co-workers, we are dear friends. Any small thing I can do for her during this time, is a blessing to me. She has been my rock for the last couple of years, and I'm grateful that I am able to do anything that might make life a little easier right now. So I was simply honored to be the driver yesterday morning...and then when I got the email telling me to stay with her, I was grateful to work for someone so caring and compassionate. He is this way with all of his employees....and each and every one of us are honored to be a part of his team. I was able to be with Vicki until about 10:45 that morning, when Barry was able to get there.

I'm still adjusting to life as a single mom...sometimes I wonder if I'll ever adjust. But in spite of the struggles and hardships, I'm thankful we have a home, and that our home is a loving one. I'm thankful for both shared laughter and tears with my girls. I'm thankful that I am able to go to the grocery store and pick up the items on my menu. I'm thankful for God's grace that has been poured over our lives.

I've shared with my girls that being thankful in all things is so very important....and 1 Thessalonians 5:18 is one of my favorite scriptures:

"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

I don't have to necessarily be thankful FOR my circumstances, but be thankful IN them. Being thankful in all things, noticing and recognizing God's blessings, no matter how small, somehow opens my eyes to the bigger picture, and I am able to see God's handprint all over my life.

Taking Charge

Have you ever had something that seemed to be getting the best of you instead of you getting the best of it?

Last year, during our first holiday season of separation for my family....we weren't quite sure how to handle it all. We weren't divorced, but the divorce was filed. The separation had gone on for a few months, and I felt that we were all managing quite well, given that it was new territory and NONE of us knew how we were going to feel, think, react or act on any given day.

My ex-husband and I were getting along quite well on the awkward times we were together for a family event. We both were focused on easing the girls through this transition....and even when you each carry wounds, if you focus on someone else, your forget your hurts and have a commonality. For us, it's our two beautiful daughters.

I did very well through Thanksgiving. Phew! Big sigh of relief! I cooked, decorated and even had a wonderful time with my daughters! Different, but wonderful all the same. I was going to conquer this Holiday Season Mountain. And then....I was knocked flat on my rear about a week later when I tried to send out Christmas cards. My hands were shaking when I was only writing THREE names on the card, instead of four. By the 5th card, I was so shaky and sobbing so hard that I remember throwing them all in the trash and thinking "No one gets cards this year. I can't handle this."

A very wise friend of mine, who has walked this road before me, told me that it would be the "small" things that would knock me down everytime. We often prepare for the bigger things....time spent in prayer for strength, reflection over good memories. These are things I do in preparation for the times when I know we'll be sitting together at something like a band concert, ballgame, or hosting a birthday party for the girls. I prepare for shared time, and I find myself capable of getting through. But signing Christmas cards???? THAT was going to be the thing that threw me off track? It even got worse when I was wrapping presents alone (we used to do that together) and I was signing 3 names on the gift tag. Only I knew I couldn't throw away gifts...(thankfully for the recipients). So I plowed through. I'm sure most of my gift tags had smudges from fallen tears, but no one said a word.

So this weekend, I bought my Christmas cards. And I sat down with my list, a glass of wine, good music, an ever faithful dog snuggled at my feet, and took a deep breath and prayed "Okay Lord, let's do this!" I took charge of that demon from last year, and I slayed two dragons at once. The dragon of knowing that small thing undid me last year, and I wasn't going to let it again. And the dragon of being a procrastinator and not getting cards out until the last minute. My cards are ready to be mailed, and that has NEVER happened in November. I will allow Thanksgiving to come and go before they are mailed. But it felt good to know that I had taken charge, and not one tear was shed in the process.

My dear friend, Vicki, took charge in a very different way this weekend. She is one of my heroes (I have alot in life). She is facing her battle with breast cancer in such a way that strength, courage and grace are being redefined. Her hair began falling out this week...about 3 weeks out of her first chemo. She is scheduled for her second chemo this coming Thursday. Although most of the world could not notice the hair loss, it was coming out quickly and in large amounts. We would be at the office, and she would show me the hair in her hands. By Friday morning, she was having to clean the sink out more than once as she was using the curling iron before work. She decided to take charge and have her hair shaved off that night. She knew that if she just let it fall out on its own, and if she watched that happen, that it was going to get the best of her, and drive her quite crazy being the neatfreak that she is. So she called another dear friend who came over and shaved her head Friday night. She put on her cute wig that she had already picked out after surgery, and she set out yesterday with her husband to do some Christmas shopping. She said she felt strange, that people were looking at her, but I think that was from knowing she was bald underneath. She looks great and natural in her new 'do. I really admire the way she did it.

Taking charge can really be a good thing. Whether it's something small, like a Christmas card, or something huge like shaving your head....sometimes we need to recognize when our fears, worries, stresses are getting the better of us. All we usually need to take charge is a deep breath and the prayer of "Okay Lord....let's do this!"

Nurturing Friends

The last few days I've thought about the friendships in my life, and how precious they are to me. Relationships with others should be nurtured - taken care of - tended to by us. We need to take the time to "feed" them.....with time, good communication (both talking with AND listening to), and encouragement.

So many of my friends have walked with me not only during the good and joyful times in life, but during the tough and dark times as well. A true friend won't flinch in a crisis...well, at least if they flinch, they still walk you through it!

My girls have made extremely wise choices in their friends, even at an early age. And they have nurtured their friendships with these people as well. As a result, they have some treasured people in their lives.

Just this past weekend, my youngest daughter, Lindsey, was surprised by one of her best friends who had to move to another state this summer, coming for a surprise visit. The screams and jumping of two 13 year olds was priceless. I took them out to dinner, and although I couldn't get a word in edge-wise, I had a great time marveling at the ease and speed with which they picked right up where they had left off. The next day, I made a 2.5 hour trip to the town where my oldest daughter, Casie, lives and goes to school. We had tickets to see Wicked with two dear friends...a mother/daughter friendship from years ago when we lived in the same town together. These girls have kept in touch since we left that town in 5th grade...and they are both graduating college. Sara, the mom, and I have kept in touch also. The four of us managed to pick right back up where we left off.

Friendships are special gems in our lives. We are created to interact with others...and there is a void in our lives when we don't do so.

I'm so grateful for the friends I have...be they old ones, new ones, ones here in my hometown, or ones far away. Whether I am able to chat over a cup of coffee or tea, or am only able to correspond and talk with over the phone...I'm thankful for each and every one of you.

Focus

I'm a book lover, and often have my nose in more than one book at a time. You will find not only books in my bookcases, but on my nightstand, my tables in the living room, even my desk drawer at the office.

I have two book in my office right now - one on encouragment and team building, and one on confidence. They are both the types of books that you might go to more than once, as I have with both of these.

Today, as I was re-reading a portion of one of these books, I came across a section titled "You Believe What you Focus On". That got me to realizing that for me, focus is something I need to re-evaluate more frequently than I do. It's very easy to fall into the trap of focusing on the wrong things. Sometimes, I'm not even aware of where my focus has shifted unless I really take the time to just be still and do a little self-examination.

With Thanksgiving and Christmas just around the corner, I want to make sure that my focus is where it needs to be. So, I'm turning the lens of honesty towards my own soul and mind today, and I'm zooming in. I'm going to figure out where my focus REALLY is, and if I need to adjust, I'm hoping I'm honest enough to do just that.

Wrapping Up October

Wow....October 30th. Hard to believe. October begins my favorite time of the year, and this month has flown. Alot has taken place in my life this month....some things bad, some things okay, and alot of things good.

My friend Vicki began her first round of chemo on Thursday. So far, she is doing wonderful. She is a wonderful giver and encourager, and because of the way she has lifted people up her whole life, everyone has been so wonderfully encouraging and supportive of her during this time when she needs it so much.

I've got dinner cooking for her and her family right now...a tad intimidating, since cooking is her forte, and well....it's NOT mine!

Casie is home from school again this weekend...and so I'm always happy when both girls are together. Last nite I took Linds and 2 friends to Memphis looking for costumes, and was regaled with ghost stories and urban legends the entire time. It definitely took me back to when I was 13 or 14 and how much we loved scaring one another at slumber parties. The stories are basically the same, just more updated versions. It made me smile. The girls are with their dad right now, and so I've been busy running errands, painting a wooden jack o'lantern (yes, I know Halloween is tomorrow...so my neighborhood will enjoy it for a day and half until next year), and cooking. Gingerbread cake is in the oven right now. I'm looking forward to watching Ranger baseball and Razorback football later. Once the girls come back home, the house will be chaotic again as I get food ready to take to Vicki and her family, and Casie and I will be helping Linds get ready for a Halloween costume party. It's wonderful weather to enjoy the hammock, and if I manage to squeeze in a few minutes, that would be icing on the cake.

I hope everyone out there is enjoying a gorgeous fall day! Time to take the cake out of the oven. Mmmmm...

An Unexpected Makeover

Last night was my first night in my DivorceCare Recovery Group since my divorce was final last week. For anyone not familiar with divorce recovery groups, it might sound like I was getting the "cart before the horse" by beginning the group before I was divorced, but within this group are a roomful of people who are at various stages in the separation/divorce process. Some walk in just hours after a spouse has left, some have been alone for months or years, some are separated hoping to reconcile, some are separated just flat out confused and emotionally paralyzed, some are separated waiting on the lengthy and tedious divorce process to end. Some are in contentious divorces, some are in peaceful divorces. Some stories are worse than mine, some stories are not as bad. The one thread of commonality in this diverse group are that we are all in pain...whether we instigated the divorce or not.

Each evening of this group has been enlightening for me. Not enjoyable, by any means, but I am learning, and I am benefiting from it. It is a RECOVERY group after all, which means you are in pain if you are in there. It is stretching me as a woman, as a Christian, as a healing individual. It is making me healthier. We go through alot of kleenex in that room, and that's the men as much as the women. We cry alot, we listen alot, we share alot, and we laugh alot.

Last night I was so encouraged however, when we started the meeting off in our usual way....by saying ONE gratitude we have that week. Some of these gratitudes are as basic as "I got dressed today", "I got 2 hours of sleep last night", "I didn't drink myself to sleep last night." Some are desperate "I am thankful for the food stamp approval", "I am thankful my house is not in foreclosure", "I am thankful I have a place to sleep". As people heal a little, the gratitudes change as well to things like "I am thankful for my children", "I am thankful for my friends", "I am thankful I have a job". I mean...we are talking RAW emotions here. The gratitudes usually reflect the level of pain and/or healing that has been felt that week.

Let me get back to my point...I was encouraged last night because I was able to say "After 3 long and painful years of separation, reconciliation, separation again, I am grateful that I am divorced and that I am at peace finally." The responses I received were things like "I never seen you smile like that", "Your whole demeanor has changed", "You look years younger", "I see a joy in you".

It reminded me of one of my all-time favorite Anne Lamotte quotes - "Joy is the best makeup."

Am I joyful that I am divorced? NO.

I AM joyful that I am healing. I AM joyful that I am at peace finally. I AM joyful that I am now feeling hope again. I AM joyful that I am loved by family and friends. I AM joyful that they didn't tire of me on my darkest days! I AM joyful that I see blue in a sky that has been black for a long time.

My joy has given me an unexpected makeover.

Don't get me wrong...I'm not throwing out the drawerful of Clinique, Maybelline, L'Oreal or Origins. I am middle aged after all, and even with my new joy and peace, I know I still need coverup, mascara and the lipstick.

Ending and Beginning

I've sat down at the laptop almost everyday this week, trying to find the words to write. I had a major event happen in my life this week, but the words just haven't been coming out in a coherent way. I've had so many different emotions and thoughts that my mind seems to be in a jumble when it comes to expressing myself.

This week my divorce wrapped up....I went to court, and it is all final. A very surreal feeling....the ending of 23 years of my life as I knew it, well, 25 years if you count our courtship. There is sadness, but there is an overwhelming feeling of peace. My life has been in turmoil for such a long time, and I prayed for peace the day I was going into court, and God answered my prayers. My best friend was my witness, and another dear friend of mine came for moral support. The court proceeding was very quick, as ours was an uncontested divorce. My spouse and his attorney did not even have to be present. I was actually grateful for that. I felt stronger without him there. I had a tough day emotionally the day before court...just knowing it was all ending was very hard. I reached out to my inner circle of family and friends, and was received with overwhelming support and encouragement, and alot of prayer.

For those who know me well, you know I am opposed to divorce in most situations and did everything I knew to do to work on the marriage, but it was not meant to be. Two people have to want to be willing to stay together and work on the relationship. When one spouse has made up their mind it is over, there is very little that can be done at that point. I am not blaming my spouse, I am simply stating the facts at this point. So, I came to the legal ending of a marriage that had already ended quite awhile ago. I grieve that, but more than anything, I am full of hope for my future, and for the beginning of a new chapter in my life.

There has been alot of pain, alot of chaos, and now...for me, there is peace. Still alot of healing to be done, still some grieving to go through. But what a blessing to feel a sense of peace! My prayers for my daughters are that they will continue to have the healing that God provides when we are so deeply wounded. They amaze me, and they have been strong in their faith. We continue to grow closer, and for that, I am so thankful. I have spent a wonderful lazy, rainy Sunday with both of them...we have talked, shared, napped, and laughed together today. We have had LOTS of laughter. I look at both of them with such mixed feelings...so sad that their pain has been caused by the ending of mine and their father's marriage, but so grateful on one hand that my girls have learned that life can be very painful, messy and at the least, is not perfect. They have taken a hit emotionally, and they are still standing. They are learning the same thing I am learning...that life is full of endings, but also beginnings. Life goes on...and it will be sweet and wonderful, full of laughter. Mixed into that will be pain, tough times, illness, and many hurdles to face and overcome. But that is what makes life so rich....it is a tapestry woven out of ALL of our experiences and relationships.

The Bottom is Solid

Yesterday's worship service was very emotional for me, as well as several of my dearest friends. One friend, very dear to my heart, was preaching and another was singing a solo. These two fellows go way back in ministry together...having been on staff as pastor and music minister in more than one church. They and their wives also happen to be some of my dearest friends in the world.

Barry sang a solo, "Praise the Lord". It's a song he does very well...and he has done many times. His voice was soaring, when he got to a verse that talked about life's storms, and his voice cracked with emotion. I was sitting with my daughter, Casie, on the 2nd pew, and looked at my precious friend, Vicki, in the choir loft. She is Barry's wife, and she is dealing with her newly diagnosed breast cancer. My tears were already flowing, and I saw hers as well. This was a small congregation, and one that is very close, and there were many tears as Barry struggled with his emotion, and then finished the song, once again soaring. Mark got up to preach, and his topic was "The Bottoms in Life". So relevant, as we all hit bottoms. One thing he said was that he and Vicki had been talking the day before and she had said "the bottom is solid". I nodded my head in agreement.

I've been to the bottom very recently, with the dissolvement of my family. My prayers and dreams for reconciliation were not to be, and I am now healing, rediscovering and redefining. I have and continue to go through all the vast array of emotions as I recover...denial, disappointment, woundedness, anger, disillusionment, grief, joy and healing. As a believer in Christ, I can honestly say that when I hit the bottom, yes, it was solid. God was right there to catch me. I thought about my precious friend, Vicki. She is at a HUGE bottom in her life. Cancer...what a scary diagnosis to receive. I can't even imagine how I would be feeling. A lump in her breast, that spread to her lymph nodes. She has had 3 surgical procedures in two weeks...a lumpectomy, lymph nodes removed in one arm, and a port installation for her upcoming chemo. Today she is getting a full body pet scan to see if the cancer has spread anywhere else. She has an "army" of people praying for negative results today. Her life has been turned upside down in the last 4 weeks, and will be for quite some time. And yet, SHE is the one who said "the bottom is solid". Mark, our dear friend who preached, whom I have known since college and have been honored to be pastored by and friends with, hit a bottom eleven years ago this month, with the acknowledgment of his battle with alcoholism. He now speaks at AA meetings and his wife, my friend Janie, speaks at Al-Anon. They minister to addicts all the time. But eleven years ago, he had disappointed himself, family, friends, and his church congregation. He lost his job and spent 90 days in rehab. He is an example of someone who not only hit the bottom, but who found it solid. And with God's help and alot of hard work, he is no longer on the bottom, but soars through life, still ministering and still helping others. A friend sitting behind me has hit bottom with a past divorce, suicide of her ex spouse, drug addiction in her family, and a recent death of someone close to her.

I thought of how blessed we all are. We are so loved by a gracious and merciful God, who catches us at the bottom. The chords of friendship among each other have held us together through all kinds of bottoms....and the chords have grown stronger with each pit we have climbed out of. We're smart enough to know that we can't climb out of the pit for one another, but we can lean over and give each other a hand. We're even the kind of friends that will get down in the pit WITH each other, if that's what it takes. Not hitting rock bottom together, but getting down there to help the one who's hit the bottom, and to offer the acceptance, love, support and encouragement needed.

I can't imagine going through life's bottoms without a close walk with God, and I can't imagine going through life's bottoms without close encouraging friends at your side.

I thought of my girls, one a young woman in her twenties, and one a young teenage woman. They've already had a tougher time than I would have wanted for them at a young age. And as much as my maternal instincts want to protect them from the rock bottoms in life, very few of us get through life without hitting a bottom of some sort. My prayer for them is that they will believe that God will be at the bottom when they hit, and that they will recognize Him when they are there.

Another point that Mark made, (he had four - but I'll only address this one) is that the best way to get out of the pit when you hit bottom is to begin and continue with a spirit of gratitude. If all you can say at that point is "Thank you God for being here", or "thank you that I'm alive"...that is enough. Whatever you find, it IS enough. The crazy and wonderful thing about gratitude, is that once you start it, your eyes will open more and more to blessings around you. You will begin to see things differently, and in a positive way. I know that God has done His most amazing work in me when I've been at the bottom. I certainly don't like it there, but I can honestly say, that the bottom can be the beginning of something amazing.

Glorious Mess

Halftime in the Arkansas/Auburn game, and we Hog fans are not pleased at the moment. I decided to get online and check some articles and blogs I wanted to read. I came across an article by a young woman named Holly Gerth. She is a write for Dayspring, and a co-founder of (in)courage.

This short article was on how God makes us amazing. And one part that stuck out was:

"You....the one doing your own thing, making your difference, being a glorious mess that God can use."

I smiled. I feel like a mess alot of the time. But I've never put the word "glorious" in front of it. I have wondered how my marriage got in a mess. I've wondered how my life became a mess. I've wondered if my daughters will be a mess because of mine and their father's mistakes. Now that I'm coming out stronger on the other end, I've realized that being a mess isn't necessarily a bad thing. Especially if we don't just stay a mess, but become "a glorious mess that God can use."

Just look at the examples in the Bible.....God has always used people who were a mess. We just have to be open and obedient. He'll take care of the rest.

So for today, I am smiling that I am a glorious mess. And I'm saying "God, please us me. Let me make a difference."

Understanding

I've been spending alot of time in the Psalms lately, as I tend to do frequently at various times in my life. A verse that has struck me today is "Give me understanding that I may live" Psalm 119:144.

There's alot going on my world that I don't understand right now....within my own life and also within the lives of others around me.

While my trust in others is something that has been shaken, my trust in the Lord just continues to grow...the roots going deeper and the trust becoming more solid. And I have realized over the last three years that there will be many times I will not understand, but will need to continue to trust. And I have become better at that. Not perfect, but better.

But I find myself today praying and thinking on the verse in Psalm 119. I do wish for some understanding on things. And as the second part of the verse says "that I may live"...I think some understanding will help me as I am on this wondrous journey of life.

I do believe the understanding will come. It always has before. But it may not come in the timeframe that I want it to...so again, I will trust. I will trust that God's timing is perfect, and that the understanding will come to me at the exact time that it needs to.

Reflection

It's been almost a week since my last blog post...and although I haven't been writing, I've certainly been living, thinking, feeling, and reflecting.

It's hard to put into words a description of the past week. My precious friend, Vicki, came back to work after her surgery and is now dealing with the reality of life with cancer. She doesn't know how to "be" a woman diagnosed with breast cancer. We (all her friends and family) keep asking her what she needs and what can we do, and she tells me she doesn't know what to say at this point...and I'm getting that. She's still processing all of this herself, and this cancer train pulled out of the station very quickly and it is rolling along. She told me she feels so out of control, and I can only imagine.

As she has dealt with the reality of this new journey, she is coming back to work, she is adapting to new bits of information being thrown at her almost everyday, she is going to doctors, experiencing discomfort, facing the reality of how tough her upcoming battle is. She has started a website on caringbridge.org so that she can journal and people keep up with her. She is dealing with a vast array of emotions as this new reality sets in. She is positive...she is full of courage and hope. We have cried....buckets. We have laughed till our sides hurt. We have hugged and we have been angry. Today she is wig shopping. Her chemo doctor informed her this week that with her type of chemo her hair will fall out rather quickly. I know she is angry on one hand that this is how she is spending her Saturday....on the other hand, she is with her two college aged daughters and her wonderful hubby and they are having fun and making the best of it. They just sent two pics of her modeling wigs to my cellphone...and I laughed. She will choose one close to her original hair, but she is certainly going to have fun trying on some wild and crazy wigs.

As I have reflected this week, I have thought about friends and family. It's really what life is all about. The people we love are what matter. So many of the other things we spend our time and attention don't really matter when it gets right down to it. My thoughts and feelings have been spent this week thinking about those that I love. And realizing that I want to make sure that I always let these people know how special they are to me.

I want to be a better mom, Christian, friend, daughter, sister, and woman. I want to enjoy life and savor those relationships I am blessed with. I want to heal, to recover, to find confidence as a single mom and woman. I want to grow from my own life's journey. I want to help my girls realize that no matter what life throws our way.....be it divorce, tragedy, cancer, changed dreams, financial loss, failures, death of loved ones, illness, or any of the other unexpected curves that life can deal us....that with a strong faith in God, with a group of people who love and support you, and with a strength of character you CAN face it. I want to be a person who will walk with others on their tough journeys and not shy away.

And for now, I want my friend Vicki to know how brave and courageous I think she is. I want her to know that I hurt with her and I am mad with her. I am also hopeful and positive with her. I feel ready to charge into battle with her. She is a beautiful and strong woman, and I am honored to be her friend.

Comfort

I've been thinking lately about comfort....what brings comfort to others, what brings comfort to myself. Going through the divorce process, I have lost alot of the comfort I once had. I'm having to redefine what brings me comfort now. Somethings I found comforting stayed the same, some have not. So, this is a topic I think about alot lately.

When I think of comfort....I usually think of a variety of different things. Comfort foods, comfort items, comfort in family or friendships, books, my Bible...

Some comfort foods that I enjoy are chicken and dumplings (they remind me of my beloved great-grandmother who made them often and I think each of us in the family thought she was making them for us individually), homemade soups bubbling in my kitchen, or banana or pumpkin bread baking in my oven.

Smells often bring back nostalgic feelings and comfort: I can smell paints and art supplies and think of my Dad who majored in commercial art. When I was little, I loved smelling his art box...the paints, chalks, and all of that. The smell of doublemint gum...that's my mom. I would open her purse when I was a little girl, and that's what I would smell. It's comforting to me. A turkey roasting in the oven reminds me of one grandmother, the smell of oatmeal cookies reminds me of another, chicken and dumplings reminds me of my great grandmother mentioned above.

When I want to escape to a comfort spot at home, I usually find a chair that is my favorite. I love reading, so I find comfort in being surrounded by books. I love little lap blankets or afghans...snuggling brings me comfort. For a very long time after separation, my bedroom was a reminder of loneliness and pain for me. After redoing it in the spring, and after spending alot of time grieving and praying in here, it has become a place of comfort for me now. It's my "retreat". A place where I find solace and hope.

When I am outdoors, my hammock is a place of comfort for me. It's another retreat in my little world where I can escape for reading, prayer, a nap, or sometimes a conversation with someone sitting close by or on the phone. Just being outside listening to the birds and looking up at the sky is peaceful and comforting to me.

I have relationships that are comforting ones. The people in life who are good listeners, but who also feel free enough to share with you as well. There's something about the friendships where the opening up is a two way street, that leads to comfort for me. Maybe it's because the pretenses and walls have been let down, and we've dared to be vulnerable, and after doing so, found that we are still loved after all. There's comfort in the safety of a trusted friend.

I find comfort in my daughters....which may sound odd at first. It's usually the role of parents to comfort children, not the other way around. Maybe the comfort with my girls simply comes from knowing I am the comforter. Maybe that's a role I treasure more than I ever realized. As the years have gone by though, I find that they offer comfort also. There's nothing sweeter than the handpicked bouquet of flowers or weeds brought by a young child. Or having a book brought to you and a little one climbing in your lap, and snuggling in for a story ready by "Mommy". Oh how I miss those precious days! But now, I find comfort in our mother/daughter roles to be different for sure, but still just as precious. I am comforted when they come to me for encouragement, or have reached out to encourage me themselves. I am comforted when I get that unexpected hug for no reason at all....the power of the physical touch is often underestimated, but needed by us all.

My parents are a huge comfort to me. Our home growing up was always a home where we knew family was important. We talk frequently on the phone and although we don't see each other as much as I wish we could, our visits are precious and special. There's a comfort when I walk through their door on my visits back home. No matter what struggles I am facing, I am able to escape for a few days and just enjoy being with them.

I lost the comfort of a spouse....the comfort of my best friend, confidante, teammate, soulmate. Although we are co-parenting, it's not the same...so I feel as if I've lost my co-parent as well. I lost a certain level of comfort financially, I lost the comfort of my lifelong dream of being married to someone for a lifetime, I lost the comfort of family as I knew it.

This leads me to my greatest comfort....the comfort I find in my Savior. My Bible has been worn out over the last 3 years, especially the book of Psalms. My prayer life has never been more honest, intimate or more of a comfort. The arms of my Savior are the most comforting to me of all. He sees the good, the bad and the ugly.....and He longs to make it beautiful. I find comfort in the hope that my faith brings to me.

What brings you comfort? I guarantee when you think about it, you can't help but smile.

Too Short, But Very Sweet

Last night was a treat for Lindsey and I. My parents came into town (we live 8 hours away from each other). They are in the Natural State for Daddy's 50th high school reunion. They left the Dallas area yesterday, stopped in Arkadelphia, AR for lunch with my nephew, their grandson. He is a soph at OBU there. Next stop an hour later was at my sister's house in Little Rock. She loaded them with 3 bags of beautiful clothes after cleaning out her closet and sending my way. What a blessing!!! She and I are both losing weight but began with different starting points, these were clothes that are recently too big for her. I'm now at that size after some weight loss, and being on such a tight budget, it has felt like Christmas to me. (What a strange twist....I'm sure she had to wear tons of hand-me-downs when we were growing up since I am the older of us). My closet and my heart are both full!

Daddy and Mother arrived about the time I was picking up Linds from band practice. They brought with them a chair from one of the guest rooms that is now taking up residence in my bedroom....in front of a window, between my bookshelves and my nightstand....a wonderful spot for me to read and to blog. Again, a blessing! We visited awhile, went to dinner, then stopped by my friend, Vicki's house to visit her. She is my friend bravely fighting breast cancer right now. Mom and Dad had brought her a delicious pie (one for Linds and I as well) from a dear friend of ours back home who makes the most wonderful pies that melt in your mouth. Vicki is looking wonderful and our visit was one of great conversation and laughter. After leaving Vicki's, we came back home to continue our visit. Mom, Lindsey and I opened the bags of clothes with delight and I tried them all on. We cut into the cherry pie and indulged in pie and coffee before they left for their hotel. They are heading out this morning to go back across the state to where other relatives live for more visiting and the reunion. They will be able to see Casie, my oldest on Sunday as well as my sister and her family again as they celebrate my niece's birthday. As I said, they are on a whirlwind trip until Monday.

Our time together is always precious....never long enough. We talk, laugh, share...just simply enjoy being together. I wish the distance between our homes wasn't so far, but it does make our time together all the more special. After dropping Lindsey off at school today, I'm going to head over to the hotel for a cup of coffee with them.

What blessings I have had this week....a visit from my folks, a closet full of beautiful clothes, and a comfy chair for my bedroom.

Honoring the Wound

Tonight was my 3rd week of DivorceCare Recovery, and tonight I'm sitting here mulling over something I learned tonight.

We usually start off with an ice breaker, then we watch a 30 minute DVD on a certain topic, and then we have discussion for about 45 minutes. The topic this week was acknowledging the losses that come with a failed marriage. Many people think the failed marriage is the only loss, but it is actually deeper. Examples: the loss of your dream, the loss of the home as you knew, in some cases - the actual loss of the home, the loss of certain family relationships, the loss of some friendships, the loss of security, the loss of your special holiday traditions, the loss of your best friend, the loss of intimacy with that person, the loss of feeling like you belong,.....the list could go on and on.

That wasn't the part I learned tonight. I have been dealing with acknowledging the multiple losses for some time now. One exercise that I haven't done yet that was suggested to me by my counselor a year ago, and was discussed tonight was to actually make a physical list of the losses you feel. Say them, write them, think on them, own them, and then let them go. Just the thought of this exercise has seemed so painful and tedious to me in the past, but I feel as if I'm ready now to do just that. I'm realizing that acknowledging all these losses will help me say "goodbye" to them.

But onto what it was I learned tonight. One of the authors of the material and a speaker on the DVD said we need to "honor the wound". In other words, acknowledge the big gaping hole that is in us. If we felt our marriage was sacred, and if we treasured it, then honor it. When two people are joined, to simply say they "separated" in the divorce is a bit of an understatement. It's not like we have perforated edges, and we can just neatly and efficiently disconnect. There has actually been a "tearing apart", and the tearing is what leaves the wounds. My marriage was truly sacred to me. My husband was my best friend, at least for many years. We both messed up in different ways. For a time, one of us wanted to stay, one didn't. In the end, we both knew what had to take place. That is actually oversimplifying it, but it cuts to the chase for now.

I know people around me want me to heal quicker than I am. I realize that to some of them it may seem as if I've been hurting far too long. Others often tell me "If I were in your shoes.....", "Well, I certainly wouldn't do it the way you are.....", and they seem disappointed if I am not angry enough, bitter or depressed.

Well....I have been all of those things. And I probably will be again before the healing is complete. I'm working my tushy off NOT to get stuck and stay in one of those stages. I am doing all that I can to move forward, and I can see the great strides I've made. I have joy again. I have hope. But, I'm going to honor my wound. It is big, it is gaping, and it is with me all the time for now. Honoring it doesn't mean dwelling on it. I certainly don't want to do that. But it is significant. The pain we have been through, and still go through, is significant. So, it may take me a little longer to get through this process. But at least I AM getting through.

My goal in the end is to be more than recovered. It is to be healthy and whole, and better than I was before all this mess. So, I'm honoring my wound.

Tired

It's about 10 pm on Monday evening, and I am bone tired....the kind of tired where I really need to sleep, my eyes are heavy, and yet, sleep is eluding me just a little while longer.

It's been a rough several days. My friend had her breast surgery today. The lumpectomy went great, however, there was cancer in her sentinal nodes, so they removed those nodes under the right arm. After a few weeks of recovery from the surgery, she will begin rounds of radiation and chemo. I spent most of the day at the hospital with family and friends from 8 am until about 2:30. I had a nice chat with her on the phone this evening from her hospital bed. She was telling ME she wished she could help me do things this week, that she knew I had alot on my plate. What a friend. I told her that her job is to recover and heal. I got the other stuff covered.

I have suffered from insomnia quite a bit as I have entered the menopausal years. Add to that factor, the stress of trying to work on a failing marriage, then realizing that divorce was imminent. Worries about the future, finances, household maintenance, etc have all added to the insomnia. Receiving a diagnosis of A.D.D. and the medication I take for that add to that problem as well. So I seem to walk around in a state of sleep deprivation.

This week I have had my friend heavy on my heart. I've also had a couple of unpleasant surprises thrown my way in the divorce. Things I am dealing with, but unpleasant nonetheless. So, tonight..I am tired. Weary. In need of sleep. If I can turn off my brain, I think I just might be able to rest.

So, I'm about to turn of the computer, pick up a book and unwind. I'm already in pjs and in my comfy bed. I feel as if I could sleep for days...but I think I'll be happy to get 6 or 7 hours.

So good nite to all...I hope everyone has a restful sleep and peaceful dreams.

The End of the Week

It's Saturday night, and as I sit in my room reading and typing, I am listening to the giggles of two 13 year olds girls in my living room. It's a sound that I love dearly, although when it's past midnight, there are times I have to ask that giggles be held to a whisper. I remember being a teenager and how much fun I had with my girlfriends when they came over. So, the sounds bouncing off my walls tonight are a good sound.

It's been a different sort of week, and a tough week. First and foremost in my heart and on my mind, is one of my dearest and most precious friends in the world. She has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, and an agressive one. In the time span of little more than a week, her life has been turned upside down. I have never felt more inadequate as a friend. But we have talked, cried together AND laughed together this week. There is alot of power in being able to do both...the crying and laughing with someone you love dearly. She goes in for surgery on Monday morning, and then will be going through both radiation and chemo later. I wish she wasn't traveling this road, but here she is. She and her family have a vast network of friends and supporters, and they are being lifted up in prayers from all over. She is handling this with an amazing strength and a wonderfully positive attitude. She has been a hero to me this week, although she wouldn't really like that tag on her. But she's really quite a gal.

DivorceRecovery is going well, although it is difficult. I'm learning alot. And I've had alot of ways this week to practice what I am learning. Let's just say...it hasn't been an easy week. But onward we go, and I'm glad that onward is the direction I am moving.

My small group of bible study gals started back up for the fall. We are studying Galatians. We met on Thursday, had a nice meal of salad, baked potato and a fabulous dessert. The fellowship was wonderful, and I'm looking forward to our weekly time together. I will miss a couple of weeks due to the privilege of watching Lindsey play in the junior high band, but I will gladly miss for that reason. I'm so proud of the accomplishments in both girls.

As I wrap up this week, I find myself tired from all the worry and emotion over my friend and her cancer. And then I remind myself, "if I'm this tired...imagine how SHE must feel, the person actually living through it." I want to be the kind of friend and support to her that she has always been to me....so this is not the time for me to be emotionally tired.

As for the rest of my worries and stresses from this week, I listen again to the giggles coming from the next room. I am so blessed, and the giggles remind me of that.

Tomorrow begins a new week....and onward we all go!

Baby Bro

Today is my little brother's birthday....Jason is the Big 4-0. Out of the 3 of us siblings, he's the youngest.

As you can see from the pictures above, Jason is....ummmm...unique. Hehe. No, the guy is serious about his fun. He enjoys life and he grabs it with gusto. He is smart, fun, full of life and loves his family like crazy. He has a wonderful wife and 3 wonderful boys.

Mom tells us (Terri and I) that we used to stand over his bassinet and sing to him when he was a baby. We felt quite thrilled and very proud to be his big sisters. And I can honestly say, that is still how we feel today....although I don't think we'll stand over his bed and sing. That's just kinda weird.

So...Happy Birthday Jason. May your next 40 be filled with as much love and gusto as your first 40.

Shared Tears and Prayers

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. . . . Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit" (Psalm 147:3, 5).

This morning I have the privilege of praying for different friends' struggles. The privilege part is simply the blessing of being intimate with certain people to the point where they share their innermost fears, struggles, wounds, brokenness with you.

When you have intimacy like this in your relationships, you can shed tears with them as easily as you can laugh with them. Well...maybe it's never easy for some of us to share tears. It's a much more vulnerable reaction to emotion than laughter is. But you let your guard down in these relationships and you know you have the safety and freedom to shed that tear with them.

There are times, like this morning, when I feel so inadequate and helpless over the burdens my friends are facing. But this is when I'm supposed to just let them know I am here, and that I will simply walk with them as they travel a difficult path.

I'm so thankful that the Lord does heal, and that His understanding and power are strong and limitless. For I know when I, or my friends feel weak or inadequate, we have someone to go to. And when I cannot understand, He does.

The refrain of one of my favorite Cece Winans songs goes:

He knows

He cares

He sees

He's there

He'll carry you

He's concerned about you

My hope comes from the Lord....He hears our prayers, and He shares our tears. My friends are in perfect hands.

A Nice Surprise

As I sit in my favorite spot early on this Sunday morning, I am smiling. It's quiet in the house....the dogs have been let outside, and I'm the only one awake. Both girls are sleeping...yes, BOTH girls.

Linds was at the football game Friday night with some friends, and I was talking on the phone to Casie, my oldest. We were talking about her plans for the night, and she had told me she was planning on just "chilling" at home. We had a nice long talk, and ended our conversation in the usual way "Love you - talk with you soon". Imagine my surprise when she walked through our front door! I thought "chilling at home" meant heading back to her apartment where she lives 2 hours away. My mouth hit the floor and she was grinning widely that she had managed to pull off a surprise over us.

She told me that she came home because she felt I had been through a rough week, and she just wanted to be here. My daughter wanting to encourage and uplift me, the mother. It was one of those moments when you realize that your child has grown into an adult, and a caring adult at that.

I wasn't exactly aware that I had communicated with her that it had been a rough week, but somehow, she read that between the words in our many conversations we have during the course of a week, and she just wanted to come home. It has been a very different kind of week for me. I think when Casie walked through the door Friday night, I realized that we were going to be okay as a family....better than okay, we are going to be good.

One of my greatest fears and worries, is how my daughters are going to fare with our family changing. It's a very valid concern.....the impact that divorce has on children, whether they are minor or adult, is significant to say the least. I hate that my girls are going through this. But when she came home Friday night, simply wanting to support her mother and spend time with her sister, I realized that I am blessed. You see, Casie gets it. I want our family to be one of love, encouragement, acceptance, a mixture of tenderness and grit, sharing with one another, and supporting one another. We can get on one another's nerves, we can argue, we can be selfish at times....we are human and extremely normal. But more than that....we love, accept, support and encourage one another.

Casie and I jumped in my car and we drove to the church where the teenagers were hanging out at the 5th Quarter Club after the football game. I called Linds on her cell and asked her to come out to the car. She wanted to know why of course, and I just said I was coming by to say "hi". Pretty lame in retrospect, but I didn't know what else to say. I could hear her say "okay?" in a confused tone. She and a friend walked out to the car, saw Casie in the passenger seat and the look on her face was priceless when she saw her big sis. She begged Casie to come inside and say hi to her friends. Although tired from a day of class, work, and driving, Casie obliged. I stayed in the car so the sisters could have their moment. And I smiled.....we are good.

We haven't done anything special this weekend. We kept the secret that she was home from their dad until Saturday. He thought Linds was coming over to watch the Razorback game with on Saturday, and opened the door to find them both there. I know his face was just as thrilled and surprised as mine was. It's still hard getting used to sharing their time individually, instead of sharing time as a traditional family....it's not the way it supposed to be. But, it's the way it is for us, and we are coping better each time. While they were gone, I watched the game myself and stayed busy in the kitchen cooking. I baked cookies and made a pot of chicken and dumplings - a meal my girls love. Casie has studied this weekend, Linds and I had to go to a softball event for a little while, and then we just rented a chick flick. As I said, we haven't done anything special. But as I've aged, I learn more and more that it's not "doing" of special things you cherish....it's just the regular ordinary times of being together.

Mudpie Memories

Today is Terri's birthday. Terri is my younger sister and I am blessed. There is 3 1/2 years difference between us. When we were little, some of my fondest memories include barefeet, making of mudpies, dress up, dolls and Barbies.

We shared a room for years, until the day came when we could move to a bigger house and my preteen, hormonal, diary writing self couldn't wait to get away from her. I thought my own room was all I needed to finally have peace and privacy. Imagine my horror when she and another friend found my diary, and read it into a tape recorder, pushed "play" right outside my bedroom door and then took off running. I was sitting on my bed, probably listening to Elton John records, when all of a sudden, I heard this very dramatic reading (Oscar worthy, I tell you....Meryl Streep herself would have been moved) of MY VERY OWN WORDS!!!! I remember bolting from the bed throwing the door open hoping to knock down the perps, only to find a small black tape recorder playing from the hallway.

We laugh over that story now....she will probably say it was justice for the mudpies I tried to get her to eat when we were younger.

We've been so fortunate to end up in Arkansas together, since our parents and our brother are still in the Dallas area. We're not in the same town, but at least we're not too far. We've been able to be there for one another during many of the important times in life, and we've been blessed enough to be able to just visit one another for the sake of just being together.

She is an accomplished woman, a wonderful wife and mother, and a gem of a sister.

Happy Birthday Terri!