Deadheading

Memorial Day here in Marion has been one of sunshine followed by a thunderstorm, more sun, then rain. Off and on like this all day. We did our grilling of the ribs and all the yummy things that go with it yesterday after church, because Andy is on duty today at the fire station.

It's been fairly lowkey around the house this morning, just the girls, the dogs and myself. Lindsey has managed to make it to the pool with some of her friends to enjoy the sunshine while she can. Casie and I have been reading and doing various tasks around the house. During one of our "sunny hours" I went outside and decided to do some deadheading on a hanging basket I have. It's a tedious task, but I know if I am patient and do it diligently that I will have a healthier plant overall and beautiful blooms. As I was carefully pulling off the dead blooms, I was reminded of how God deadheads/prunes me. I'm currently going through a phase of that in my life right now. There are some things that God is helping me to get rid of in order for me to be healthier. Issues in my life that I can "let go of"...as they are weighing me down and causing me to be unhealthy. It's amazing to me how God knows when to be delicate in his pruning of me, and when to just be bold and "whack it off". He alone knows what is best for me. I tend to make a mess of things when I do it on my own. Thankfully, He is the gardener of my soul.

As I was also looking around my yard and deck, I realized that my gardening goes in phases. I will get all excited and be extra diligent with my plants and flowers, and then I get busy with life, and they will be neglected for a few days. Once again, I am thankful for God being MY gardener. He is ever faithful. Always knowing when I need nourishment. Always knowing of when I need the sun and when I need a cleansing rain in my soul. Always knowing of when the deadheading and pruning need to take place.

I feel like a fledgling new plant...trying to struggle out of the ground. I'm not quite out and blooming in all my glory yet, but I hope that someday I will be.

Back to blogging

It has been a couple of months since I've blogged. For various reasons, I have simply felt "dry" when it came to putting words in type. But recently I've discovered I was missing the blogging (I find it strangely therapeutic) and missing reading the ones I follow.

Tonight is one of insomnia, so here I sit at the computer. I've browsed through the blogs I enjoy, looked at pictures that are posted that inspire me, and I feel invigorated. For exactly what, I'm not sure. But thanks to you bloggers out there that "do my soul good!"

My bout of insomnia (which unfortunately is rather common lately) comes from troubles within my own soul and an issue within my family. I have cried, I have prayed. I tried reading, but couldn't focus long enough to get past a few pages. There is nothing on tv that I feel like watching right now. It's too late to talk to precious friends...I know them well enough to know that they are all catching zzzz's right now. Now I'm fighting a splitting headache. I wonder....what do you others out there do when your nights are filled with anxiety, worries and pain? What eases your mind and your soul?

Embracing

I've been reading John Ortberg's book, Everyone is Normal Until You Get to Know Them. It's been a very interesting book. Several things he has written about have been challenging to me. One thing I read about 3 or 4 days ago has been heavy on my mind and heart.

He writes about how Jesus embraced all....He had no prejudices when it came to loving and accepting people. He came to earth for us all. I've known this my entire life. I've believed it most of my entire life. I've shared it with others.

Here's the question to myself...do "I" truly embrace all? It's so easy to embrace those who are similar to me...who have the same interests and values. As I've aged, I've matured to where differences and diversity don't intimidate me, and I've learned from many people who are different than myself. Yet still...that nagging question...."Do I embrace all?"

I think I get in my own personal comfort zone...and embrace what I am familiar with. If I look long, hard and honestly at myself, I don't think I'm as embracing and accepting as Christ would have me be. This is an area I need to work on....to look around the people around me and ask God to open my eyes to hurts, wounds, needs that people have. I want to see people as God sees them, not just through my own human eyes.

I hope this week that I keep my eyes and my heart open to those whom I cross paths with. I hope that I will be open to any opportunities placed in my pathway to be embracing and accepting. I don't want to shy away from people because they are wounded, hurting, sinful, or broken. I AM ALL OF THESE THINGS. Who among us isn't?

A Little Sunshine Goes a Long Way

We've had some rather dreary and gloomy days so far in the month of March, but today is one of those perfect spring-like days where the sun is shining, the skies are blue, the temp is in the mid 70s, the trees and flowers are blooming and the birds are chirping.

I'm amazed at how much a bit of sun can do to improve my overall mood and energy level. I'm sitting here in my new office (of 2 days) and for the first time in a couple of years, I'm fortunate enough to have a window. I'm doing the same work I've been doing the last 10 years or so, but there's a smile on my face. So far today, I've been able to turn around from my computer and enjoy a robin, a gorgeous red cardinal and a mockingbird in the tree in front of my window. Just being able to glance up for a minute away from reports, invoices and emails and enjoy God's creation may seem like a small thing, but it's a gentle reminder to me that He is a wonderful and awesome God.

In this economy, I'm so thankful and grateful for a job....even more so for having a job which I enjoy and co-workers with whom I care about and am close to. And yes, I'm even thankful for my new office window and the little bit of sunshine that has done wonders for my morale today.

Girls Weekend

This past weekend Lindsey, my youngest, and I made the drive to Conway to see my eldest daughter, Casie. She's a pre-physical therapy major at UCA and in her junior year of college. A cold and rainy day changed our original plans, but once we got there, the 3 of us just rolled with it, and simply enjoyed being in each other's company. I probably enjoyed it way more than my two girls...I think as we age that we realize how quickly life goes by, and to savor every moment. Gone are the days of reading "Goodnight Moon" and "Brown Bear, Brown Bear". Gone are the days of Barbies and American Girls. So many of the rituals I enjoyed when they are younger have given way to new ones. But oh! What memories! And what new ones we continue to make! We enjoyed a great lunch at the San Francisco Bread Company, and a little bit of shopping. We came home and I helped Casie do some stacked-up laundry (typical college gal in that regard) while Linds played around on the computer. We decided to order supper in and we just chilled in her apartment, watching tv, talking, laughing our heads off, and working a jigsaw puzzle. We hung out in pj's and had a great time. I even let Linds give me a makeover...only to find out that she wanted me to look like a cast member of "Cats". It all went by way too quickly...but every moment was enjoyed and savored.

Grace

“I do not at all understand the mystery of grace - only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us.” - Anne Lamott

I am learning so much about God's grace in my life....it's so simple...always there...and yet, because of my own humanity and limited thinking, it still remains a mystery to me in some ways. What I am realizing more and more each year is that I need to analyze it less and simply accept it more. I can do nothing to earn it or deserve it...it's simply a beautiful gift that He freely gives. As the Chris Tomlin lyrics say:
"My chains are gone, I've been set free My God, my Savior has ransomed me And like a flood His mercy reigns Unending love, amazing grace"

I am set free...any chains that I have binding me now are of my own doing, and I am simply not realizing or maybe I'm resisting....but they (the chains) are GONE. And He has poured His unending love and AMAZING grace on me.

I remember as a child loving to play in the sprinkler....the giddy feeling I would get when the water just poured down on me. I want to stand in the waterfall of God's grace...and I want to have that childlike enthusiasm and joy as it pours over me.

.

Wounded

I follow a blog called Journey Through Grace. Although I don't know Jayne, I am blessed by her pictures of her yard and the birds daily, and I enjoy her blogs. She has a quote on her page that has been there for some time, but really struck a chord deep within me today.

"It is said that grace enters the soul through a wound." Heather McDonald

I am a wounded person - as we all are. No one goes through life unscathed. Currently, old wounds have resurfaced, and there are plenty of new ones right now. There are some days when I feel that I'm bleeding out.

My prayer is that I will allow grace to enter my soul through my wound. I want fear, bitterness, and distrust to NOT seep in. In the midst of a painful year, I have felt God's grace more deeply than ever before. But I am feeling frightened and vulnerable right now. I don't any junk clogging up my emotions and my thoughts.

When others see me, I don't mind them seeing a woman who is a mess, yes, but more than that, I want them to see that I am living in grace. And that God's grace is good.

Warm Enough for the Hammock

We had a wonderful weekend weather-wise here, and it was a JOY to be able to run out into the backyard and settle into my favorite spot....the hammock.

The hammock where this summer I shed many tears, prayed many prayers, found healing, did some great soul searching, reading, talking to friends on the phone, and spent "girl time" with my daughters.

The backyard is far from pretty....no signs of green yet. But I did refill the bird feeders and found delight in all my feathered friends swooping in for a meal. Even though my grass is brown and my trees are bare, and the yard has that really depressing winter look to it....I found such joy and tranquility in my outdoor respite.

I didn't relax long in the hammock - Casie was home from college, Andy was around, and Lindsey had friends over all weekend...but I did manage to squeeze in a few minutes on both Saturday and Sunday. Enough for some wonderful time with God.....talking to Him, but mainly listening.

Maybe that is one reason I love the hammock so much. I seem to LISTEN better to the voice of God when I am in that spot. There are no distractions, and for some reason, my soul just seems to find rest quickly when I am there.

I am looking forward to more warm days and the upcoming spring. I am looking forward to my hammock time.

Transformation

I have to admit, that I'm an HGTV junkie. Sometimes I can't get enough of the channel...watching shows on landscaping, decorating, remodeling, crafting, etc. And I'm an HGTV dreamer...I dream more about tackling those kinds of projects instead of actually doing them.

The other day I was watching a show that featured everyday people and the arts/crafts that they enjoy doing. A glass blower was featured, and it was really fascinating. He would could transform this nondescript (sometimes ugly) glob of goo into the most beautiful piece of glass artwork. The process included banging, stretching, spinning, firing....all sorts of activity that seemed extremely painful for the object.

I began to think of my own life. I am in the middle of a transformation of sorts....God has taken this rather nondescript soul and has really stretched and spun me as of late. The banging and firing....the really painful part....seems to be more at the hands of myself and others instead of God, and yet, just as the glass blower controls the object during those processes, I have felt God's hand on me throughout all of my pain....and I know He's in control. Just when I think I can't take another blow, I feel Him touching me....and I know that He is at work....and I know that He wants to take me and help me see that I am beautiful, and that He is molding my life into the kind of life He has chosen for me.

Lately, I've wanted to scream "Get me out of the fire"....I'm weary of the painful part of the process. He hasn't got me out, but He has given me rest. And He allows me to see just enough to know that He is in control. The challenge for me is to live with that knowledge that He is in control, and not to let circumstances or relationships control me.

My prayer for today is that I will be willing and compliant as God transforms this life into something beautiful. I want to remember as I'm being spun, hit, stretched and fired that He is the one controlling it all, and He knows what is best. And I want to praise Him now for the outcome, whatever it may be.

Fear and Deliverance

Yesterday someone quoted me something he had read about fear. I can't remember the exact quote, but the shortened version went something like this "Fear is the polio of the soul....". He and I were talking about fears and insecurities that I struggle with. I immediately envisioned my soul being paralyzed and crippled. That is what fear does to me. I start to worry and doubt, my mind goes down roads where there are no answers, and I begin to panic. I always end up in the same state of mind...no answers, no solutions....only fear.

It's funny how the mind and emotions can sabotage us....when I give into my insecurities and fears, I somehow lose the ability to take action. I find myself paralyzed and unable to move forward.

But this morning I read an incredible verse - "Do not be afraid, Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today." Excodus 14:13.

The devotional book I was reading this morning put the emphasis on the word "today". That is a good emphasis for someone like me. I have to realize that I don't have the ability to see into the future (nor would I want to, although there are times I have to admit I think I would....thankfully, the Lord knows me better than I know myself). God will deliver me today. He shines the light on our path just enough.....we don't always have to see what lies ahead. We simply have to trust that He will deliver us today. That is faith.

On the Road to Better Health

I've managed to last one week in my 2009 endeavor towards better health. My focus is to make this year THE year....the year of positive change in my health.

I'm trying hard not to be a slave to the scales in my bathroom. I find myself feeling defeated so quickly and ready to throw in the towel when the scales don't show progress as I think they should. When I adhere to a program, I expect to see more than a .2 lb weight loss over a week. However, I've learned throughout the years that any progress, no matter how small, is better than no progress.

Knowing my propensity for self-sabotage and surrender, I'm making it a point to not step on the scales very often. Hopefully, I'll be able to see my progress in the way that I feel and in the way that I look. Maybe trying it this way will help me to stay focused on simply trying to live a healthier lifestyle.

Besides, it was getting awfully painful trying to either balance myself on one leg or stand real far back on the scales.

Rearranging

It's early Friday morning and I am rearranging the living room. Not necessarily a smart thing to be doing on a school/work morning, but there you go. I do things like this when I get what I call "the itch". The last time I rearranged the living room was last April. I had to move things around to make room for the Christmas tree, and I have simply never moved the furniture back around after taking the tree down.

I woke up this morning with "the itch" and decided that there was no way I could concentrate at work if I didn't get this done. Plus, there is something satisfying and fun about rearranging furniture. Just moving something can make it look new and fresh. I like finding a new space for something I've had awhile. A little bit of creativity always comes out.

Of course, Cocoa and Flash are quite cranky about the whole thing. They don't quite understand all the movement, and usually end up growling and then leaving the room. Since they were both sleeping on the couch when I woke up, I don't think they cared one teeny tiny bit about my yearning to get the furniture moved. I was disturbing their morning routine. (which I apologized for, as I don't like my morning routine changed either).

As I began moving the couch, the symbolism of what I was doing struck me. I am doing some "rearranging" within myself as well. I am just beginning a physical overhaul.....exercising and eating right. This is Day 5. I have been working on myself emotionally, spiritually, and mentally over the past year and half. Over the holidays, I became extremely involved in the hustle and bustle of the season, neglecting the care of myself. It began to show. So, I have spent the past week getting myself back on track and in line with the goals I set for myself.

Since I'm back to rearranging in my own life, maybe that's why I woke up with "the itch" this morning to do the furniture rearranging. As I was moving the furniture around, you'd be amazed at how much "junk" I found under the furniture. Dust, a lost item or two, etc. It made me think of when I allow God to do rearranging within my soul......all the junk He finds. And how He dusts me off, restores something "lost" I've been missing or says "This is actually trash....going in the garbage now." It's all so comforting. And refreshing!!!

He can get creative with us as well when we allow Him. Just as I began to feel creativity flow when I move my stuff around a room, allowing God to move stuff within my own soul allows Him to be creative within us and use us in the way He designed. Just as my old furniture can look new, when I allow God to work on this weary stumbling 45 year old chick, I can become new and refreshed.

I'm glad that I'm doing just the furniture rearranging and letting God do the other rearranging in my life. As a matter of fact, I need to tackle other rooms of furniture, and I need to ask God what other areas in my life He needs to move around.

And then relax a little and let His creativity flow.....

Weary

A favorite verse of mine...."Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28.

The Father isn't promising to take away my problems or to give me answers right away, or answers at all.

What He IS promising is to give me rest.

I've had a year of weariness and burden. I've felt overwhelmed most of the past year.....overwhelmed by life and all of it's problems. Thankfully, I've felt God's presence with me every tired and weary step. I've felt His hand guiding me through all the murky waters. So, although I've felt overwhelmed and flat out exhausted, I've never felt like I wanted to give up on life or the people in it. Quite the contrary, God has given me an incredible gift...the gift of hope and grace. In the middle of alot of pain and confusion, I've experienced an incredible clarity. The kind that only comes from the Father.

The last month I've found the weariness and burdens creeping up on me again. I had a minor meltdown a couple of days ago where I pounded my fists and cried (all while driving, so I'm sure my fellow drivers around me probably thought I was losing it and got far away from the crazy lady driving the white minivan).

In the middle of my tears and ranting, peace flowed over me yet once again. I felt God's arms open wide and beckon me to come to Him and lay my head on His shoulder. I felt the comfort of being surrounded by a big bear hug and the reassurance of knowing that I am safe in His arms.

He was giving me rest. And it was exactly what I needed.

God is good.

Invisible

Have you ever felt like the Invisible Man? Well, in my case, Invisible Woman? I would venture to guess that most of us feel this way more than once in our lifetime.

Maybe we feel invisible in the workplace. We feel overworked and underappreciated - maybe the boss or management seems to always overlook us. Maybe our coworkers take us for granted.

What about as a parent? It's very easy to feel overlooked here as well. We play the roles of caretaker, chauffeur, referee, coach, nurse, teacher, cook, maid, lender, etc and etc. Our list of roles can go on and on. It's sometimes easy to feel overlooked when the gratitude doesn't come pouring in. And with our own children, so much of what we do is taken for granted. Moms and Dads are just SUPPOSED to do all that stuff. Every now and then we I have a "meltdown" (which I have to do for sanity's sake) I'm often greeted with expressions of perplexion and puzzlement. It's like "Gee....what was THAT all about?" I think it often surprises our kids also when they find out that we have feelings - we don't run on autopilot. I never thought much about my own parents having their feelings hurt or overlooked, I don't know why I was surprised when my own children seemed to be knocked for a loop when they figured that one out with me.

What about in marriage? It's so easy to feel overlooked and invisible in our role as spouse. We get so busy taking care of the normal day to day tasks and responsiblities in life that we just begin to assume that our spouse is always on the same page with us. It's often surprising when we find out that we're on vastly different pages. We never intended to emotionally neglect one another or take each other for granted. We're not even sure when it started. But it happened somewhere along the way.

What about at church? What about in our roles on various committees or boards? In volunteer work? There are so many areas in which we can begin to feel invisible. Sometimes we even seek out the safety there is in anonymity. I'm convinced that sometimes we seek out churches where we can just blend in with the masses and come and go without anyone noticing. That way we won't be called upon to get involved in small groups or relationships. So sometimes I think we seek out the invisibility. Maybe that's where we feel comfortable.

However, we need to realize that we are not invisible with God. He knows us...inside and out. He loves us unconditionally....flaws and all. No matter how many times we stumble, falter, run away, hide, fail...He is there to pick us up, dust us off, and welcome us back. Nothing we do or don't do can make us unloveable or unacceptable to Him. We are never....I repeat, NEVER invisible with God.

Lately, I've felt invisible in some areas of my life. The New Year, which is always a time of reflection, led me to ask myself a question....."Who am I treating as invisible in my life? Am I making anyone feel that way?" Do I show my husband, daughters, parents, siblings, friends, co-workers, that I love them? Do they feel accepted and safe around me? Do they know that I am always there for them....with unconditional grace and love?

My goal this week is to make sure that those I am surrounded by know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are not invisible to me.