I am on Day 3 of my study of "The Book of Ruth: Loss, Love and Legacy" and I am LOVING it. So far, it's very applicable to this stage in my life. The concept I have related to the most is "weeping forward". I am at a stage of loss, and I am still weeping (grieving is more appropriate...alot of the tears have subsided) but I AM moving forward. Which is a total "God thing". Phillippians 4:13 at its best. There is no way I could move forward on my own. I haven't even been able to conceive of a life in which I am not married to this man until recently. God has helped me face the inevitable, He has held me in His arms as I have pleaded for it not to happen, questioned why it did, asked for His healing and grace, asked for His help in forgiveness, and now...He is taking me by the hand and helping me to walk forward. And with every step I take, I get stronger, and my steps become more confident and hopeful. I am actually looking forward to the next stage of my journey. So, although I may still be weeping...I am weeping forward, and that is so much healthier emotionally and spiritually than weeping backwards, or weeping while staying put. God will never lead me somewhere I don't need to be!
Today I am grateful for:
1. The God given grace to handle loss.
2. Forgiveness.
3. Hope.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Contemplative
I'm in a very contemplative mood this morning...thinking...reflecting...praying. I'm in a situation where I find myself extremely disappointed in someone that I expect more out of. Someone whom I am watching make one bad decision after another. Someone who is making me question who they REALLY are.
Have you ever wondered if you really knew a person? Someone who was once very close to you, or maybe still is? Someone who you watch self-destruct before your very eyes, and there is nothing you can do? Someone whose actions are having a domino effect on alot of lives around them, and yet, it's like they can't see through the fog to get a clear vision of how they are paying it forward.
I love the phrase "pay it forward"...and I loved that movie when it came out a few years ago. I'm forever telling my girls to pay it forward, and to think about WHAT IT IS that you are paying forward. In some ways, it's the golden rule simply restated..."Do Unto Others As You Would Have Done Unto You". Put forth kindness, and you will receive kindness. Put forth neglect, and you will receive neglect. And so on and so on. The other side to it, besides the return you will yield, is that when there is no other way to pay back a kindness done unto you, say a thank you by paying it forward.
Anyway....the person who is heavy on my heart this morning is paying it forward in a negative way. And it breaks my heart, and is tearing at my soul. All I know to do is to continue to show grace towards this person, and to lay this person at the foot of the Cross.
There you go...I think that may be my first "sad" blog ever. I have a hard time writing when I am sad. Well, I write, but more in a prayer journal instead of on here. But for now, my blogging is therapeutic for me, and so I am becoming a little more real in what is going on in my life, and at the same, very cautious of what I say, since this is a public venue.
This morning I am grateful for:
1. Sleep. I hope to get some later...lol. Insomnia struck AGAIN last night...I couldn't turn my brain off.
2. The relationship of sisters. I am very close to my own sister, and I treasure talking with her. We had a great talk yesterday. And I look at my own daughters, and I see such a deep and close relationship between them (and yes, they do argue). They are spending time together this week at Casie's apartment, and it makes me feel good inside.
3. My new online Bible study. I am participating for the first time ever in an online study...it should be interesting at the least. We are studying the Book of Ruth, and it is going to be a very powerful study for me at this point in my life...I can already tell.
Have you ever wondered if you really knew a person? Someone who was once very close to you, or maybe still is? Someone who you watch self-destruct before your very eyes, and there is nothing you can do? Someone whose actions are having a domino effect on alot of lives around them, and yet, it's like they can't see through the fog to get a clear vision of how they are paying it forward.
I love the phrase "pay it forward"...and I loved that movie when it came out a few years ago. I'm forever telling my girls to pay it forward, and to think about WHAT IT IS that you are paying forward. In some ways, it's the golden rule simply restated..."Do Unto Others As You Would Have Done Unto You". Put forth kindness, and you will receive kindness. Put forth neglect, and you will receive neglect. And so on and so on. The other side to it, besides the return you will yield, is that when there is no other way to pay back a kindness done unto you, say a thank you by paying it forward.
Anyway....the person who is heavy on my heart this morning is paying it forward in a negative way. And it breaks my heart, and is tearing at my soul. All I know to do is to continue to show grace towards this person, and to lay this person at the foot of the Cross.
There you go...I think that may be my first "sad" blog ever. I have a hard time writing when I am sad. Well, I write, but more in a prayer journal instead of on here. But for now, my blogging is therapeutic for me, and so I am becoming a little more real in what is going on in my life, and at the same, very cautious of what I say, since this is a public venue.
This morning I am grateful for:
1. Sleep. I hope to get some later...lol. Insomnia struck AGAIN last night...I couldn't turn my brain off.
2. The relationship of sisters. I am very close to my own sister, and I treasure talking with her. We had a great talk yesterday. And I look at my own daughters, and I see such a deep and close relationship between them (and yes, they do argue). They are spending time together this week at Casie's apartment, and it makes me feel good inside.
3. My new online Bible study. I am participating for the first time ever in an online study...it should be interesting at the least. We are studying the Book of Ruth, and it is going to be a very powerful study for me at this point in my life...I can already tell.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Monday Blues
Well, 'tis Monday and I am back to reality. I usually get a little "blue" late on Sunday evenings or early Monday mornings, and this week was no exception. I'm so grateful for my quick trip back home, time spent with family, time spent with friends. And I'm very grateful in this economy to have a job I love to come back to, and to all of my wonderful friends here in my town.
Yet, even having said that, I am still a little "blue" on this Monday. I came back home to the same stresses everyone else has. I guess I just wanted to be able to plop back into the comfy guest bed at my mom and dad's house for ONE MORE DAY and be able to pull the covers over my head and just be pampered a wee bit longer.
The girls have left together...Casie had to go back to Conway for the week, and took her little sis with her. Some special "sister time" will be good for them. So, it's me and the dogs for a week. I don't have a dime to spend, since I just got back from the roadtrip, but that's okay. Instead of shopping by myself, or getting with someone to see a movie or go out to eat, I'm going to use it as a time to catch up on my reading, to correspond with some friends, to sleep WHENEVER I want...lol, to eat popcorn for dinner if I feel like it, and to just enjoy myself at home.
Today I am grateful for:
1. Time alone - I am learning to appreciate it instead of dreading it.
2. Good books.
3. Long telephone conversations with special people.
Yet, even having said that, I am still a little "blue" on this Monday. I came back home to the same stresses everyone else has. I guess I just wanted to be able to plop back into the comfy guest bed at my mom and dad's house for ONE MORE DAY and be able to pull the covers over my head and just be pampered a wee bit longer.
The girls have left together...Casie had to go back to Conway for the week, and took her little sis with her. Some special "sister time" will be good for them. So, it's me and the dogs for a week. I don't have a dime to spend, since I just got back from the roadtrip, but that's okay. Instead of shopping by myself, or getting with someone to see a movie or go out to eat, I'm going to use it as a time to catch up on my reading, to correspond with some friends, to sleep WHENEVER I want...lol, to eat popcorn for dinner if I feel like it, and to just enjoy myself at home.
Today I am grateful for:
1. Time alone - I am learning to appreciate it instead of dreading it.
2. Good books.
3. Long telephone conversations with special people.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Heading Home
Well, it's a little after midnite on Saturday, and I should be in bed since we are leaving in the morning heading back home. It's a long 8 hour drive, but I'm not quite ready to hit the hay just yet.
I'm going through that wistful nostalgic feeling of not wanting to head back to home...to reality...to work...to the struggles and stress. But I AM more than ready to give my Lindsey a big ol' bear hug. It's a weird feeling traveling with only part of your family, and not the whole.
I'm learning and RE-learning ('cause I'm slow in this area) just how much of life is about changes, transitions and loss. I'm having to be flexible more than ever in my life...it's all about giving up control...my OWN control...trusting God to take the reins and lead.
Giving up control is hard...loss is hard....the changes and transitions vary from hard to tolerable to getting easier. I'm also at the point where I'm embracing many of the changes, and that is exciting.
Today I am grateful for:
1. Coffee with a friend this weekend.
2. Feeling valued by people. I've been missing that emotionally in a certain area of my life....it's nice to experience it again.
3. Laughter. I know I've listed this one before...but honestly....laughter does have amazing healing power. And I've laughed ALOT on this trip.
I'm going through that wistful nostalgic feeling of not wanting to head back to home...to reality...to work...to the struggles and stress. But I AM more than ready to give my Lindsey a big ol' bear hug. It's a weird feeling traveling with only part of your family, and not the whole.
I'm learning and RE-learning ('cause I'm slow in this area) just how much of life is about changes, transitions and loss. I'm having to be flexible more than ever in my life...it's all about giving up control...my OWN control...trusting God to take the reins and lead.
Giving up control is hard...loss is hard....the changes and transitions vary from hard to tolerable to getting easier. I'm also at the point where I'm embracing many of the changes, and that is exciting.
Today I am grateful for:
1. Coffee with a friend this weekend.
2. Feeling valued by people. I've been missing that emotionally in a certain area of my life....it's nice to experience it again.
3. Laughter. I know I've listed this one before...but honestly....laughter does have amazing healing power. And I've laughed ALOT on this trip.
Reconnecting
Yesterday was a day of reconnecting for me. It's always great being in my hometown....I seem to just soak up the time I get to spend with my parents, grandmother, my brother and his family. I always walk through the door, and it's as if my worries and stress are able to simply melt away for a few days.
This trip has been no different in that regard. We've laughed alot...I mean REALLY alot. Which tends to be the case. And we've had long talks at length. My life has changed drastically over the last few years, and it has been hard on my parents living 8 hours away and not being geographically closer. And as a parent, I understand that feeling they have had. However, that's probably been very good for me. As I rediscover myself on this journey of life and loss, I've had to lean on the Lord in such a profound way, and I probably would've been tempted to lean on my earthly parents more if they were closer.
But I do treasure these times when I AM able to be close to them and bask in the comfort and love of home.
But another wonderful treat happened on this trip....I've been able to reconnect with two very special people in my life. Both were very special in the past, and remain so today. One of my dearest girlfriends ever, a "heart" friend, as I like to say came to the house and picked me up for lunch. We talked, listened, shared, laughed and were serious for the next 3 hours. It's a treasure when you are able to pick up with someone after a few years, as if it has been only a few days since you talked last.
The other person I was blessed enough to reconnect with, left me with very overwhelming thoughts and emotions. It is simply a person from my past, very very special to me and it was just simply amazing to share a cup of coffee after not seeing one another for 29 years. It was simply....a very good thing.
And of course, the time with my brother, his wife and kids is always fun. The boys are so energetic and full of life....I always want to say "Gimme some of that!" Jason and Wendy are awesome parents, and I love watching the interactions between their family. I'm reminded of how quickly children grow and how much I sometimes miss those times when my girls were younger.
I'm missing Linds like crazy, and am in the mood to tell her so....but since it's 6:30 am on a Saturday morning and she would kill me if I called...I think I'll wait.
This morning I am grateful for:
1. Reconnections.
2. The comfort of a familiar embrace.
3. The inner strength I seem to gather when I am in an environment of love, support and acceptance.
This trip has been no different in that regard. We've laughed alot...I mean REALLY alot. Which tends to be the case. And we've had long talks at length. My life has changed drastically over the last few years, and it has been hard on my parents living 8 hours away and not being geographically closer. And as a parent, I understand that feeling they have had. However, that's probably been very good for me. As I rediscover myself on this journey of life and loss, I've had to lean on the Lord in such a profound way, and I probably would've been tempted to lean on my earthly parents more if they were closer.
But I do treasure these times when I AM able to be close to them and bask in the comfort and love of home.
But another wonderful treat happened on this trip....I've been able to reconnect with two very special people in my life. Both were very special in the past, and remain so today. One of my dearest girlfriends ever, a "heart" friend, as I like to say came to the house and picked me up for lunch. We talked, listened, shared, laughed and were serious for the next 3 hours. It's a treasure when you are able to pick up with someone after a few years, as if it has been only a few days since you talked last.
The other person I was blessed enough to reconnect with, left me with very overwhelming thoughts and emotions. It is simply a person from my past, very very special to me and it was just simply amazing to share a cup of coffee after not seeing one another for 29 years. It was simply....a very good thing.
And of course, the time with my brother, his wife and kids is always fun. The boys are so energetic and full of life....I always want to say "Gimme some of that!" Jason and Wendy are awesome parents, and I love watching the interactions between their family. I'm reminded of how quickly children grow and how much I sometimes miss those times when my girls were younger.
I'm missing Linds like crazy, and am in the mood to tell her so....but since it's 6:30 am on a Saturday morning and she would kill me if I called...I think I'll wait.
This morning I am grateful for:
1. Reconnections.
2. The comfort of a familiar embrace.
3. The inner strength I seem to gather when I am in an environment of love, support and acceptance.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Hometown Continued
I'm immensely enjoying this little trip back to my hometown for a few days. This morning, we drove to Dallas for the ultimate in chick shopping...Sam Moons. Jewelry, purses, more jewelry, belts, more jewelry, etc. I used to absolutely love shopping...these days, I find that I can do with or without it. Part of that is lack of money, and window shopping is a drag. The other part of that is I have simply found it to just not be as fun as before. Don't get me wrong...I like new things, I like splurging a little now and then, I love shopping for my daughters...but I find that I get restless and bored after a little while. Give me a good conversation with a friend anyday over shopping. But today was fun. Hanging out with the folks, Casie and my niece is a treat. Still missing Linds terribly.
After lunch, hit a couple more stores, then enjoyed a nap. It's great being home and knowing that I don't "have" to talk or visit every second of the day. My folks are perfectly fine if I want to slip off and nap awhile. And my sleep is very good when I am here..maybe it has to do with being back in my parents' home and in this place, I don't have to make decisions,think or worry about the daily stuff. I can just come and emotionally collapse.
Went to the Ranger game later with Dad and the girls...being an avid baseball fan, that was a treat. I don't get as excited as I do watching my beloved Cardinals, but it was still fun.
Tomorrow I am having coffee with a very special someone from my past, and lunch with one of my dearest friends. I'm excited about both. Tad nervous about one.
Today, I am grateful for:
1. Being able to simply "be" for a few days....not to be in charge of anyone or anything, not to have to worry or stress...it's a very relaxing feeling.
2. Conversations with special people.
3. Sleep.
After lunch, hit a couple more stores, then enjoyed a nap. It's great being home and knowing that I don't "have" to talk or visit every second of the day. My folks are perfectly fine if I want to slip off and nap awhile. And my sleep is very good when I am here..maybe it has to do with being back in my parents' home and in this place, I don't have to make decisions,think or worry about the daily stuff. I can just come and emotionally collapse.
Went to the Ranger game later with Dad and the girls...being an avid baseball fan, that was a treat. I don't get as excited as I do watching my beloved Cardinals, but it was still fun.
Tomorrow I am having coffee with a very special someone from my past, and lunch with one of my dearest friends. I'm excited about both. Tad nervous about one.
Today, I am grateful for:
1. Being able to simply "be" for a few days....not to be in charge of anyone or anything, not to have to worry or stress...it's a very relaxing feeling.
2. Conversations with special people.
3. Sleep.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Hometown Visit
Tonight I am blogging from my parents' home....and treasuring a few days in the town I grew up in.
Made the roadtrip today with Casie, my oldest, and my 16 year old niece, Haley. Linds is staying in Marion with her dad and friends in order to play the year end softball tournament. I hate leaving her, and I hate missing any of her games. But this was a trip already planned, and Casie had already taken off from her job and is in between university summer sessions....so our dates were unable to change.
The roadtrip was long, but fun. Spending the evening with my folks has been wonderful. We made a trip across town to visit my 92 year old grandmother, who is so precious to me. I treasure any time I am still able to spend with her. Being home is like being wrapped up in a special hug. It is comforting and feels soooo good. Tonight a very dear and old friend asked me how it was going, and those are the words I used. I do feel as if I'm embraced the minute I walk through the doors. And I have REALLY needed some hugging!
Today, I am grateful for:
1. My parents and their unconditional love, support and acceptance.
2. Old friends.
3. Roadtrip zaniness....at least we know how to make 8 hours fun!
Made the roadtrip today with Casie, my oldest, and my 16 year old niece, Haley. Linds is staying in Marion with her dad and friends in order to play the year end softball tournament. I hate leaving her, and I hate missing any of her games. But this was a trip already planned, and Casie had already taken off from her job and is in between university summer sessions....so our dates were unable to change.
The roadtrip was long, but fun. Spending the evening with my folks has been wonderful. We made a trip across town to visit my 92 year old grandmother, who is so precious to me. I treasure any time I am still able to spend with her. Being home is like being wrapped up in a special hug. It is comforting and feels soooo good. Tonight a very dear and old friend asked me how it was going, and those are the words I used. I do feel as if I'm embraced the minute I walk through the doors. And I have REALLY needed some hugging!
Today, I am grateful for:
1. My parents and their unconditional love, support and acceptance.
2. Old friends.
3. Roadtrip zaniness....at least we know how to make 8 hours fun!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Gratitude
I'm enjoying my exercise in "intentional gratitude"....there are so many small things in my life which I overlook, but now that I stop to reflect on these things, I realize the beauty and blessings that surround me.
1. I'm grateful for the plants that are thriving in my yard....despite my unintentional ability to ignore and thus, kill them. Yea for drought tolerant plants! My heart leaps for joy everytime I come home from work and there is still something blooming instead of something brown and withered in my pots.
2. I'm grateful for the young women my girls have grown/are growing into. They are beautiful on the inside and the outside. They give me unlimited amounts of joy. And they can sing classic 70s rock too...wow....what a combination.
3. I'm grateful for a sense of humor. God blessed me with a family that used alot of humor, and somehow I developed a pretty good sense of humor as a result. I've always been attracted to people who display a sense of humor, so most of my friends have a good one. My girls have both developed a dry wit, and keep me laughing alot. We've discovered that laughter truly is a great medicine, and we've needed the healing lately.
Yep, this experiment in intentional gratitude is very good for one's soul. I hope I keep this up.
1. I'm grateful for the plants that are thriving in my yard....despite my unintentional ability to ignore and thus, kill them. Yea for drought tolerant plants! My heart leaps for joy everytime I come home from work and there is still something blooming instead of something brown and withered in my pots.
2. I'm grateful for the young women my girls have grown/are growing into. They are beautiful on the inside and the outside. They give me unlimited amounts of joy. And they can sing classic 70s rock too...wow....what a combination.
3. I'm grateful for a sense of humor. God blessed me with a family that used alot of humor, and somehow I developed a pretty good sense of humor as a result. I've always been attracted to people who display a sense of humor, so most of my friends have a good one. My girls have both developed a dry wit, and keep me laughing alot. We've discovered that laughter truly is a great medicine, and we've needed the healing lately.
Yep, this experiment in intentional gratitude is very good for one's soul. I hope I keep this up.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Plan B
Yesterday, one of my dearest friends in the world, Mark Baber, spoke at our worship service. Mark is my former BSU director from my college days, my former pastor, and one of my best friends and one of my all-time favorite persons in this world. He is real, he is transparent, and he exudes grace and mercy.
Mark is also an alcoholic. Going on 11 years of sobriety now. What a personal achievement and what an amazing story of God's grace and redemption as he has gone from a shattered life a few years ago to a life of victory.
Mark's alcoholism was at a time when he was my pastor. When the alcoholism became public, you can imagine all the fallout that occurred. Long story short, Mark went to a rehab center in Atlanta for several weeks, came back and has been active in AA ever since. His wife, Janie, another of my most precious and treasured friends in life, is active in Al-Anon.
Although his ministerial career at my former church was no longer to be, God had other plans for Mark. His and Janie's ministry has simply changed....they have very successful careers - Mark has risen high in the insurance industry and Janie is a wonderful educator. But their ministry is now helping others with addictions.
Okay...that's a little of Mark's background. So much of his story yesterday impacted me...although I already knew his story. He is eloquent, thoughtful and thought provoking when he speaks. I am like a sponge...always soaking up his words.
What spoke to me the most yesterday was when he said that his actions had changed God's "Plan A" for his life. But thankfully, God is a God of second and third chances, and so on. And God's "Plan B" for his life wasn't half bad (that's Mark's dry sense of humor). I sat in the choir loft, and realized....it's okay that my life isn't turning out as I planned. Plan A was for my marriage to stay intact, for my girls to never know the pain of their parents divorcing. But...Plan B, as long as it is God's plan, is going to be okay! It's going to be good!
I can't tell you how in adequate words how Mark living out Plan B has impacted others. Having been successful in ministry, hitting the bottom with his alcoholism, and God bringing him out of the pit and into a life of grace and a different ministry has been amazing to watch. Mark always reminds everyone that we are all the walking wounded.
After church, I went out to lunch with Mark and Janie, and Barry and Vicki. I hugged him really tightly when we were leaving the restaurant and told him that Plan B was where I am at now, and thanked him for his words. He hugged me back, smiling and said "It is what it is. It's messed up Tracy, but it won't be forever. And as I said, Plan B ain't half bad" with that wry grin of his.
I am so thankful that God blesses us and uses us in spite of our failures and weaknesses. In spite of the fact that we get off track and make bad choices in life. In spite of the fact that we break away from Plan A....He is there to welcome us back with a Plan B.
I fought hard for our marriage, but the damage was done. We each have issues that tore us apart. One of us wanted to stay, one of us wanted to leave. Further bad choices were made at that point. What's done is done. It is what it is. A shattered family. Lots of wounds and pain....lots of healing and grace that has already been poured out and continues to pour. Plan A is over. I am now looking to God for Plan B. Because I really want that to be HIS plan, and not one of my own design. That is the key.
Today, I am grateful for:
1. Thought provoking friends.
2. Good books to read this summer....I am rediscovering my love for reading. It's an intentional goal, as I find myself with a little more "alone time" when the girls are with their dad.
3. Mornings. I love mornings. They are full of promise.
Mark is also an alcoholic. Going on 11 years of sobriety now. What a personal achievement and what an amazing story of God's grace and redemption as he has gone from a shattered life a few years ago to a life of victory.
Mark's alcoholism was at a time when he was my pastor. When the alcoholism became public, you can imagine all the fallout that occurred. Long story short, Mark went to a rehab center in Atlanta for several weeks, came back and has been active in AA ever since. His wife, Janie, another of my most precious and treasured friends in life, is active in Al-Anon.
Although his ministerial career at my former church was no longer to be, God had other plans for Mark. His and Janie's ministry has simply changed....they have very successful careers - Mark has risen high in the insurance industry and Janie is a wonderful educator. But their ministry is now helping others with addictions.
Okay...that's a little of Mark's background. So much of his story yesterday impacted me...although I already knew his story. He is eloquent, thoughtful and thought provoking when he speaks. I am like a sponge...always soaking up his words.
What spoke to me the most yesterday was when he said that his actions had changed God's "Plan A" for his life. But thankfully, God is a God of second and third chances, and so on. And God's "Plan B" for his life wasn't half bad (that's Mark's dry sense of humor). I sat in the choir loft, and realized....it's okay that my life isn't turning out as I planned. Plan A was for my marriage to stay intact, for my girls to never know the pain of their parents divorcing. But...Plan B, as long as it is God's plan, is going to be okay! It's going to be good!
I can't tell you how in adequate words how Mark living out Plan B has impacted others. Having been successful in ministry, hitting the bottom with his alcoholism, and God bringing him out of the pit and into a life of grace and a different ministry has been amazing to watch. Mark always reminds everyone that we are all the walking wounded.
After church, I went out to lunch with Mark and Janie, and Barry and Vicki. I hugged him really tightly when we were leaving the restaurant and told him that Plan B was where I am at now, and thanked him for his words. He hugged me back, smiling and said "It is what it is. It's messed up Tracy, but it won't be forever. And as I said, Plan B ain't half bad" with that wry grin of his.
I am so thankful that God blesses us and uses us in spite of our failures and weaknesses. In spite of the fact that we get off track and make bad choices in life. In spite of the fact that we break away from Plan A....He is there to welcome us back with a Plan B.
I fought hard for our marriage, but the damage was done. We each have issues that tore us apart. One of us wanted to stay, one of us wanted to leave. Further bad choices were made at that point. What's done is done. It is what it is. A shattered family. Lots of wounds and pain....lots of healing and grace that has already been poured out and continues to pour. Plan A is over. I am now looking to God for Plan B. Because I really want that to be HIS plan, and not one of my own design. That is the key.
Today, I am grateful for:
1. Thought provoking friends.
2. Good books to read this summer....I am rediscovering my love for reading. It's an intentional goal, as I find myself with a little more "alone time" when the girls are with their dad.
3. Mornings. I love mornings. They are full of promise.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
My Fortune: The People Around Me
After church today, I was invited to go along with friends to a hibachi restaurant in Memphis, where we were all sitting around the table and being entertained by the Japanese chef. A very good meal, great company...the only downside was that we couldn't all hear one another over the noise.As the fortune cookies were passed around, we all were having fun opening them and reading them to one another. Most of us had good ones, and mine was something along the lines of "Appreciate the caring people that surround you". So appropriate for my life right now...or ANYTIME for that matter! I wasn't surrounded by these folks just at the hibachi table, I'm surrounded by them as I take this journey called life.
I thought of these friends...some of the truest "heart friends" you could ever find, and the history we have together.
My fortune, my riches, if you will, are not made up of material things. I struggle to make ends meet. But I consider myself rich in many ways....by the blessings in my life. These blessings include my family and my friends.
Today I am grateful for:
1. My dad. It's Father's Day, and I am one of the fortunate and blessed people who have a wonderful earthly father. He's awesome.
2. My girls....Casie and Lindsey. They are amazing. It's as simple as that. Being their mom is the greatest joy in my life.
3. Plan B. More on that topic later. I'm still processing some very wise words shared this morning by one of the dear friends I mentioned above. He always is thought provoking for me, and so today, I am mulling over his words.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Simplicity
Today has been a rather simple, but tad offbeat day for me. My girls left this morning for a road trip with Andy, their dad, and while I was glad the three of them were able to go somewhere for much needed time together, I found myself nostalgic over past trips we had taken as a family of four. So, my mood began to waiver between being "okay" and "not so okay". I decided that I needed to hop in the car and just go do something. Since I am taking a road trip to Texas later this week, I'm really not wanting to spend any money. So, retail therapy was out of question. I decided to simply drive to a local produce stand and pick up some fresh produce and look at plants.
A friend of mine had been talking earlier this week of having had a delicious tomato sandwich, and my mouth has been watering ever since. I love homegrown tomatoes. I picked out my loot at the produce place, drove back into town, grabbed an iced tea from Sonic, and came home to make my sandwich. Just the simpleness of it was divine! Although I still am missing my girls, I know they are having fun, and so I decided to just shift my focus and enjoy a simple day at the hacienda. I drank my iced tea and ate my tomato sandwich, relishing the fact that I am a southern gal at heart and even though I can do without the blazing heat, I love summer in the south. I have a good novel I am reading, so I got that out and read until I felt sleepy. I was wanting to give into the nap, but kept thinking "I should do....", or "This really needs to be done..." when I realized....today can be about ME. I am missing my family, and it's okay for me to just do what I want to do and not what I "have" to do. Which is lingo for "Tracy took the nap".
I'm up now, and planning a supper meal of simple fresh veggies. This is something I can't really do when my girls are here. They aren't that crazy about all the veggies that I am, and they definitely want meat. I'm a carnivore too, don't get me wrong. But I realized that I can enjoy a simple meal the way that "I" want it for tonight. Part of being single is learning to readjust my thinking and find ways to deal with the times I am alone. It's a simple concept really, and yet so hard to do.
As it nears supper time, I'm realizing that I made it through the day alone. This isn't my first day alone, but every time that I do it, and I realize that I'm okay, I feel good inside.
I'm going to prepare my veggies soon, and then, to make up for the self-indulgent nap I took, I need to tackle the jungle when it cools off. "Jungle" is codeword for my backyard. I hate mowing. Well, I used to like it when I had a riding mower. But these push mowers are a different story. Oh well. I'll at least feel like I accomplished a task.
Things I am grateful for today:
1. Tomato sandwiches.
2. Good books.
3. Riding mowers. Oh wait, I don't have one.
4. My niece. Who I just found out wants to take the roadtrip with me and Casie to Texas this week. That's pretty cool....she's pretty cool.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Flexibility
Flexibility.....something I am trying to achieve in my life right now. There are so many things that require us to be flexible....marriage, parenting, other relationships, divorce, demands within our jobs and careers, unexpected financial situations, health crises, our activities...like sports, drama, etc. You'd think I'd have the hang of it by now.
And yet, here I am with a 13 year old, remembering how flexible I had to be 9 years ago when my oldest daughter was at this extremely difficult age. And here I am also, going through a divorce, and learning how to adapt, adjust, readjust, change, change a little more, etc to the dynamics of a family life that is no longer traditional.
I won't go into the details that are requiring extra flexibility on me over the next week, but I will say that prayers and patience with me are welcome.
I will go on to say that everytime I think I have acquired flexibility, something happens to "move my cheese" and I find that I am actually more rigid than I thought I was, and that I don't always want to be flexible.
However, not wanting to be flexible has nothing to do with needing to be flexible. So....flexibility is the word of the day.
Okay...3 blessings/gratitudes today are:
1. Friends who "know" people, and who can refer you to someone whose service you need, and who say "Tell them that I said to call".....it's nice to be able to cut through the red tape sometimes.
2. My sister. We share about anything and everything.
3. Motown. It just puts me in a summery mood, and I love singing along to Motown songs at THE top of my lungs. It may not sound great....but it sure makes me smile!
And yet, here I am with a 13 year old, remembering how flexible I had to be 9 years ago when my oldest daughter was at this extremely difficult age. And here I am also, going through a divorce, and learning how to adapt, adjust, readjust, change, change a little more, etc to the dynamics of a family life that is no longer traditional.
I won't go into the details that are requiring extra flexibility on me over the next week, but I will say that prayers and patience with me are welcome.
I will go on to say that everytime I think I have acquired flexibility, something happens to "move my cheese" and I find that I am actually more rigid than I thought I was, and that I don't always want to be flexible.
However, not wanting to be flexible has nothing to do with needing to be flexible. So....flexibility is the word of the day.
Okay...3 blessings/gratitudes today are:
1. Friends who "know" people, and who can refer you to someone whose service you need, and who say "Tell them that I said to call".....it's nice to be able to cut through the red tape sometimes.
2. My sister. We share about anything and everything.
3. Motown. It just puts me in a summery mood, and I love singing along to Motown songs at THE top of my lungs. It may not sound great....but it sure makes me smile!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Roadtrips and Change
On this extremely hot southern Thursday morning, I am thinking about one of the many changes in a family that occurs due to separation and divorce. The summer vacation, or road trip.
Due to our very changing and limited financial circumstances, there is no "big" extravagant vacation this year, but two relatively small but fun road trips (mini vacations) planned for my girls next week. Half of the week will be with their dad on a trip and half with me on a trip.
We never did have alot of money, and so we never were a family that did alot of the "big" vacations. We had some wonderful ones, don't get me wrong. But we never did "big" each year. Sometimes it had to be as simple as a getaway to the grandparents for a few days. That was always fine with our girls...they love being around extended family.
Due to their father being a firefighter/paramedic and having odd shifts, and due to our often tense marriage, I became quite used to the trips back home being on my own..just me and the girls. But I guess just knowing that the 4 of us could take a trip together and often would, made it not seem unusual.
This summer it is different. We are intentionally taking separate vacations and it just seems a little weird...and on one hand, natural at this stage of the relationship. I know, I know...that is conflicting. Welcome to my world. Lots of conflicting emotions.
I find myself being nostalgic over the trips we took together as a family of four, and I hope that in spite of all that has taken place, that those memories will forever remain in the hearts and minds of our girls.
Due to our very changing and limited financial circumstances, there is no "big" extravagant vacation this year, but two relatively small but fun road trips (mini vacations) planned for my girls next week. Half of the week will be with their dad on a trip and half with me on a trip.
We never did have alot of money, and so we never were a family that did alot of the "big" vacations. We had some wonderful ones, don't get me wrong. But we never did "big" each year. Sometimes it had to be as simple as a getaway to the grandparents for a few days. That was always fine with our girls...they love being around extended family.
Due to their father being a firefighter/paramedic and having odd shifts, and due to our often tense marriage, I became quite used to the trips back home being on my own..just me and the girls. But I guess just knowing that the 4 of us could take a trip together and often would, made it not seem unusual.
This summer it is different. We are intentionally taking separate vacations and it just seems a little weird...and on one hand, natural at this stage of the relationship. I know, I know...that is conflicting. Welcome to my world. Lots of conflicting emotions.
I find myself being nostalgic over the trips we took together as a family of four, and I hope that in spite of all that has taken place, that those memories will forever remain in the hearts and minds of our girls.
Like the roadmap picture above, my life right now seems like a new road trip. Where will I go? What kind of journey am I on? What is my destination? How many stops along the way? How many times will I take a wrong turn, get lost or have to back up and retrace? It's all a new adventure.
My prayer for my girls is that they will have wonderful experiences with each of us, and that good memories will be made. There is so much pain tangled up in all of this, and we all need a mini break from it.
Now...to list my blessings this morning:
1. I am blessed by the beauty of flowers around me. I haven't done much in my yard this year, and don't plan on it. But my few pots are thriving and pretty, and I just cut some daylilies from the flower bed outside my office window and brought them into my office to enjoy. Flowers make me happy.
2. I am thankful for cherries. Yep...you heard me. And for the friend who brought me a huge bag of them. I love the fresh cherries in summertime, but they are often very expensive. It's a real treat when I buy them for myself. And I eat them slowly and savor each one. My treasure of a friend, Debbie, brought me a large bag when she came with my nieces to visit this past weekend. In addition to being one of my favorite fruits, the biggest blessing was in the simple fact that Debbie, who lives 11 hours away from me in Austin, remembers the "small things". Like the fact that I love cherries.
3. I am grateful for the encouragers in my life. I have many. Encouragement is really a gift from God. I hope that I use it when I am prompted to lift someone up. Whether my encouragement is in the form of time spent with a friend, a text, an email, a phone call, a card in the mail, or a facebook message...I have so many people out there who are good at that. What a HUGE blessing they are!
My prayer for my girls is that they will have wonderful experiences with each of us, and that good memories will be made. There is so much pain tangled up in all of this, and we all need a mini break from it.
Now...to list my blessings this morning:
1. I am blessed by the beauty of flowers around me. I haven't done much in my yard this year, and don't plan on it. But my few pots are thriving and pretty, and I just cut some daylilies from the flower bed outside my office window and brought them into my office to enjoy. Flowers make me happy.
2. I am thankful for cherries. Yep...you heard me. And for the friend who brought me a huge bag of them. I love the fresh cherries in summertime, but they are often very expensive. It's a real treat when I buy them for myself. And I eat them slowly and savor each one. My treasure of a friend, Debbie, brought me a large bag when she came with my nieces to visit this past weekend. In addition to being one of my favorite fruits, the biggest blessing was in the simple fact that Debbie, who lives 11 hours away from me in Austin, remembers the "small things". Like the fact that I love cherries.
3. I am grateful for the encouragers in my life. I have many. Encouragement is really a gift from God. I hope that I use it when I am prompted to lift someone up. Whether my encouragement is in the form of time spent with a friend, a text, an email, a phone call, a card in the mail, or a facebook message...I have so many people out there who are good at that. What a HUGE blessing they are!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Gratitude
I'm home today from the office...relishing my all time favorite role in life...that of "mom". Unfortunately, I'm nursing Linds from a double tooth extraction today, which although she did very well, has definitely caused some discomfort and tears this afternoon. I hate seeing either one of my girls in pain, but I'm glad when I can offer comfort during that time. Thankfully, I have a wonderful job that allows me to do this sort of thing without the guilt and worry that some people have in their jobs when they need to take off. I've had jobs like that, and I hate the conflict between work and family.
While Linds has been napping, I've been blessed enough to talk to my older daughter on the phone, to read a little in my current book, and to visit other blogs. One blog that I came across was talking about living more joyfully. I was interested....one of her suggestions was to start naming 3 blessings a day. I think that's a worthwhile endeavor, and one that should be easy.
So far today:
1. I am thankful that I am blessed with a job that enables me to do "the mom thing" and that is very family friendly.
2. I am thankful for the local Sonic which we frequent, and the slush that soothed my daughter's pain earlier and the iced tea that refreshed me on this hot summer day.
3. I am thankful for the 2 Texas bluebonnets standing tall in my Delta Arkansas yard. It's not exactly a field of bluebonnets, but it reminds me of my beloved Texas, and of the friend and my grandmother, who each sent me seeds.
This is something I am going to try and do daily. They may not show up on my blog each day, but then again, they may for awhile.
If you read me at all, you know I am going through a painful divorce. One that was very unwanted, but one that I see now is necessary. Losing my husband and my best friend has been the pits. Although my girls have not lost their father (he loves them dearly), they have lost him in a way, as far as the dailiness of life, and him being a part of the small things. That has pretty much sucked.
So we are all about grace, healing, joy and gratitude these days. I'm hoping this naming of blessings and seeking joy in an intentional way will be something that reminds me that life is FULL of joy...sometimes I just have to open my eyes and notice.
While Linds has been napping, I've been blessed enough to talk to my older daughter on the phone, to read a little in my current book, and to visit other blogs. One blog that I came across was talking about living more joyfully. I was interested....one of her suggestions was to start naming 3 blessings a day. I think that's a worthwhile endeavor, and one that should be easy.
So far today:
1. I am thankful that I am blessed with a job that enables me to do "the mom thing" and that is very family friendly.
2. I am thankful for the local Sonic which we frequent, and the slush that soothed my daughter's pain earlier and the iced tea that refreshed me on this hot summer day.
3. I am thankful for the 2 Texas bluebonnets standing tall in my Delta Arkansas yard. It's not exactly a field of bluebonnets, but it reminds me of my beloved Texas, and of the friend and my grandmother, who each sent me seeds.
This is something I am going to try and do daily. They may not show up on my blog each day, but then again, they may for awhile.
If you read me at all, you know I am going through a painful divorce. One that was very unwanted, but one that I see now is necessary. Losing my husband and my best friend has been the pits. Although my girls have not lost their father (he loves them dearly), they have lost him in a way, as far as the dailiness of life, and him being a part of the small things. That has pretty much sucked.
So we are all about grace, healing, joy and gratitude these days. I'm hoping this naming of blessings and seeking joy in an intentional way will be something that reminds me that life is FULL of joy...sometimes I just have to open my eyes and notice.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Fear
Tonight, alone in my room, I'm thinking of the things that frighten me. My fears have a tendency to grip me in the night, and as a result, I've endured many restless and/or sleepless nights.
Throughout the long journey of the breakup of my marriage, the two separations, and the finalizing of my divorce, God has done some very incredible things in the midst of deep pain. I've often felt alone in this process, but it seems at those times when I do feel alone, He wraps His arms around me and reminds me that I'm not.
And yet, fears still haunt me...they still plague me. And to make it worse, I feel as the mom, I'm supposed to be the brave one and show my girls my strengths and not my weaknesses.
But I'm learning, that sometimes, God gives us the most strength and courage when we are brave enough to admit "I'm scared. And I'm scared of ____________".
The things that scare me the most right now:
Worrying the impact the divorce is having on my daughters, and knowing I can't stop the onslaught of pain they are feeling.
Fear that total healing will not come.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of abandonment.
Fear that I will never be loved by someone, and never again have the chance to love.
Fear that I will find love again. Then what?
Fear of my financial state.
Fear of trusting again.
Fear of settling.
Fear of changes.
I could go on and on with my list of fears. And the funny thing is...they are fluid. What scares me tonight may not scare me tomorrow.
One thing that is NOT fluid, however, is God's faithfulness in tending to my fears.
"When I am afraid, I will trust in you." Psalm 56:3
It's so good to know that I don't have to STAY afraid and full of fear. I may choose to, which would be sad for me. But I don't have to. So....I'm choosing to trust. I've never been let down yet.
But feel free to email,write or text at 3 am. After all...it IS a process. And chances are...I'm wide awake.
Throughout the long journey of the breakup of my marriage, the two separations, and the finalizing of my divorce, God has done some very incredible things in the midst of deep pain. I've often felt alone in this process, but it seems at those times when I do feel alone, He wraps His arms around me and reminds me that I'm not.
And yet, fears still haunt me...they still plague me. And to make it worse, I feel as the mom, I'm supposed to be the brave one and show my girls my strengths and not my weaknesses.
But I'm learning, that sometimes, God gives us the most strength and courage when we are brave enough to admit "I'm scared. And I'm scared of ____________".
The things that scare me the most right now:
Worrying the impact the divorce is having on my daughters, and knowing I can't stop the onslaught of pain they are feeling.
Fear that total healing will not come.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of abandonment.
Fear that I will never be loved by someone, and never again have the chance to love.
Fear that I will find love again. Then what?
Fear of my financial state.
Fear of trusting again.
Fear of settling.
Fear of changes.
I could go on and on with my list of fears. And the funny thing is...they are fluid. What scares me tonight may not scare me tomorrow.
One thing that is NOT fluid, however, is God's faithfulness in tending to my fears.
"When I am afraid, I will trust in you." Psalm 56:3
It's so good to know that I don't have to STAY afraid and full of fear. I may choose to, which would be sad for me. But I don't have to. So....I'm choosing to trust. I've never been let down yet.
But feel free to email,write or text at 3 am. After all...it IS a process. And chances are...I'm wide awake.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Old Friends
There is a saying on friendship that I love: "It takes a long time to grow an old friend."
I love my friends, both the old and the new. But there is something so comforting about the old friends. It is like being wrapped up in a warm old soft blanket or quilt...the kind you have had for ages. Or sitting in your favorite comfy chair...it fits just right and almost seems to hug you when you sink into it.
The comfort of old friends is the familiarity..the knowing that you don't have to overexplain yourself, sometimes you don't have to explain at all. You can be comfortable with an old friend in total silence or talking. If it's an old friend, chances are, you have shared laughter and tears, joys and sorrows, tragedies in life, fun in life...and the list can go on and on.
I just spent a weekend with my former sister in law and my two nieces. I have come to think of as a genuine sister. We have become treasured friends over the years. She is one of my strongest encouragers and prayer warriors in life. I feel no need to put on a mask when I am with her..I can be my true genuine self....and what a relief that can be. We had a weekend that simply involved hanging out, talking, catching up. We ventured out for dinner, but other than that, it was just time meant for visiting. For me, it was wonderful.
Tonight, I am going to be having coffee and visiting with four of my other oldest friends. They too have been in my life for ages, and we have weathered all sorts of things together. I am myself when I am with them also. When we are together, the conversation goes from light to deep, jokes are shared, laughter is frequent, real "gut level" emotions are free to be shared, and tears can be spilled. We simply love one another.
I've always remembered this song from my Brownie Girl Scout days:
"Make new friends, but keep the old.
One is silver, and the other gold."
I'm so thankful for my friends of gold!
I love my friends, both the old and the new. But there is something so comforting about the old friends. It is like being wrapped up in a warm old soft blanket or quilt...the kind you have had for ages. Or sitting in your favorite comfy chair...it fits just right and almost seems to hug you when you sink into it.
The comfort of old friends is the familiarity..the knowing that you don't have to overexplain yourself, sometimes you don't have to explain at all. You can be comfortable with an old friend in total silence or talking. If it's an old friend, chances are, you have shared laughter and tears, joys and sorrows, tragedies in life, fun in life...and the list can go on and on.
I just spent a weekend with my former sister in law and my two nieces. I have come to think of as a genuine sister. We have become treasured friends over the years. She is one of my strongest encouragers and prayer warriors in life. I feel no need to put on a mask when I am with her..I can be my true genuine self....and what a relief that can be. We had a weekend that simply involved hanging out, talking, catching up. We ventured out for dinner, but other than that, it was just time meant for visiting. For me, it was wonderful.
Tonight, I am going to be having coffee and visiting with four of my other oldest friends. They too have been in my life for ages, and we have weathered all sorts of things together. I am myself when I am with them also. When we are together, the conversation goes from light to deep, jokes are shared, laughter is frequent, real "gut level" emotions are free to be shared, and tears can be spilled. We simply love one another.
I've always remembered this song from my Brownie Girl Scout days:
"Make new friends, but keep the old.
One is silver, and the other gold."
I'm so thankful for my friends of gold!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Wounds v. Scars
I woke up this morning at my usual (as of late) odd hour of 3 or 4 am. Insomnia....induced by hormones (thank you mid life), stress and my upcoming divorce...I also recently have been referred for A.D.D. testing and have learned that insomnia and the inability to turn off one's mind from worries is a symptom. Soooo....take your pic of any of the 3 above or all 3 as to why I wake up between 3 and 4 each morning.
I had gone through a very emotional evening last night...many tears (and the gut wrenching sobs) of someone in deep pain. Without going into detail, let's just say that the end of a marriage and rearranging of the family unit is more painful than I could ever have imagined. It's as if I take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back in my healing.
For the last few weeks, I have been eager for the legal process to end, hopeful for the future, and ready (gulp) to face the life ahead of me. Someone even told me last week that my countenance was returning to one of joy, and that there was a lilt in my voice and a lilt in my step again. I think I walked on air the rest of the day. Those words meant alot to me.
Then BAM! Last night happened...and a painful event that seemed to sucker punch me in the gut and there I found myself....down on the ground again and bleeding out. After crying (thank goodness for sleepovers with friends, so that one daughter was at a friend's house last night...and the other away at college), no....after sobbing...I found myself with my Bible in my hands and prayers on my heart. I spent some very intimate time with my Savior....my Healer...my Comforter....my Rock. My sobbing subsided to tears...the tears subsided to gulps of fresh air....and then....calm. My cries for help turned to praises for His healing balm that He so generously pours over me.
After waking up at my odd hour, I got up, made something to drink and read a little. Once my mind and heart were settled down and peaceful again, I drifted off to sleep. I ended up awakening before the alarm went off, and was eagerly awaiting a broadcast of "Wednesdays with Beth". I love Beth Moore...listening to her, reading her books, doing her bible studies. Sometimes I feel as if she writes directly to me.
This morning she was speaking on rejection. Whoa. Almost changed the channel....I didn't want to be reminded of rejection. Then I realized that it was something I am meant to hear, since I am living it. I can't remember everything she said, because one example she spoke of just stuck out....it reached out through the television and grabbed ahold of me.
She spoke on the difference between scars and wounds. She pointed to a spot on her leg and said that was a scar...an old scar from a bicycle accident. She poked it, punched it....and told everyone that it did NOT hurt. She went on to say that if we are truly healed by God, sure...we will have scars from that old wound. But there will be no more pain. For we have been healed. If we poke or punch on that spot, and it hurts, it is still a wound. And we need to ASK and then to ALLOW God to pour out His healing on us.
I realized that my healing is a journey. The whole 3 steps forward, 2 steps back thing is normal. I'm quite weary of the whole thing...hurting for so long and so much takes a toll. But it brings such amazing grace, and it has allowed me to grow in my walk with Christ in a way that might not have happened if I weren't in this state of despair. When you poke and punch on me, I still hurt. I still bleed. And just like a wound begins to first heal with a scab, that scab can come off easily before the healing is through. That's where I'm at now in the healing process. The wounds are healing...I see God's handiwork in my life each and everyday. But I'm not healed to the point of having a painless scar....I have a tender scab on those wounds, and sometimes, that scab gets ripped off.
For the first time ever, I think I am actually looking forward to a scar. In the physical realm, scars are either revered (i.e., the person who proudly shows off the scar from a battle wound or sports injury) or they are not wanted out of vanity and our need to think real beauty is flawless.
I realize that my wounds are deep, and I will have scars. I will never be flawless. But that's okay. I look forward to the scars...because maybe, when someone asks how I got them, I can share my story and share how the wonderful healing and grace of God closed up my wounds.
I had gone through a very emotional evening last night...many tears (and the gut wrenching sobs) of someone in deep pain. Without going into detail, let's just say that the end of a marriage and rearranging of the family unit is more painful than I could ever have imagined. It's as if I take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back in my healing.
For the last few weeks, I have been eager for the legal process to end, hopeful for the future, and ready (gulp) to face the life ahead of me. Someone even told me last week that my countenance was returning to one of joy, and that there was a lilt in my voice and a lilt in my step again. I think I walked on air the rest of the day. Those words meant alot to me.
Then BAM! Last night happened...and a painful event that seemed to sucker punch me in the gut and there I found myself....down on the ground again and bleeding out. After crying (thank goodness for sleepovers with friends, so that one daughter was at a friend's house last night...and the other away at college), no....after sobbing...I found myself with my Bible in my hands and prayers on my heart. I spent some very intimate time with my Savior....my Healer...my Comforter....my Rock. My sobbing subsided to tears...the tears subsided to gulps of fresh air....and then....calm. My cries for help turned to praises for His healing balm that He so generously pours over me.
After waking up at my odd hour, I got up, made something to drink and read a little. Once my mind and heart were settled down and peaceful again, I drifted off to sleep. I ended up awakening before the alarm went off, and was eagerly awaiting a broadcast of "Wednesdays with Beth". I love Beth Moore...listening to her, reading her books, doing her bible studies. Sometimes I feel as if she writes directly to me.
This morning she was speaking on rejection. Whoa. Almost changed the channel....I didn't want to be reminded of rejection. Then I realized that it was something I am meant to hear, since I am living it. I can't remember everything she said, because one example she spoke of just stuck out....it reached out through the television and grabbed ahold of me.
She spoke on the difference between scars and wounds. She pointed to a spot on her leg and said that was a scar...an old scar from a bicycle accident. She poked it, punched it....and told everyone that it did NOT hurt. She went on to say that if we are truly healed by God, sure...we will have scars from that old wound. But there will be no more pain. For we have been healed. If we poke or punch on that spot, and it hurts, it is still a wound. And we need to ASK and then to ALLOW God to pour out His healing on us.
I realized that my healing is a journey. The whole 3 steps forward, 2 steps back thing is normal. I'm quite weary of the whole thing...hurting for so long and so much takes a toll. But it brings such amazing grace, and it has allowed me to grow in my walk with Christ in a way that might not have happened if I weren't in this state of despair. When you poke and punch on me, I still hurt. I still bleed. And just like a wound begins to first heal with a scab, that scab can come off easily before the healing is through. That's where I'm at now in the healing process. The wounds are healing...I see God's handiwork in my life each and everyday. But I'm not healed to the point of having a painless scar....I have a tender scab on those wounds, and sometimes, that scab gets ripped off.
For the first time ever, I think I am actually looking forward to a scar. In the physical realm, scars are either revered (i.e., the person who proudly shows off the scar from a battle wound or sports injury) or they are not wanted out of vanity and our need to think real beauty is flawless.
I realize that my wounds are deep, and I will have scars. I will never be flawless. But that's okay. I look forward to the scars...because maybe, when someone asks how I got them, I can share my story and share how the wonderful healing and grace of God closed up my wounds.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Getting to Know Myself
“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” - Dr. Seuss.
The above quote is my status today on Facebook. Yep, I'm 47 years old, about to be single, mother to two amazing daughters, loved by family and friends, happy in my job and there are days where I feel as if I'm just now getting to know myself.
Walking through a storm in life, and surviving, will cause deep reflection. I have resisted the break up of my family with every ounce of strength I have. I have prayed for healing and reconciliation. The healing has come, the reconciliation was not meant to be. Although I am deeply saddened by this unwanted change in my life, I am learning to find out who I am. I am God's creation, and I know He has plans for me that are yet to be discovered.
I'm learning to be alone, and not feel lonely. I am learning to treasure every ounce of life in a day, and never take for granted those that I love. I am learning that "life is messy" (to borrow the phrase from a friend of mine), but life is still worth living and it is still a gift. I am so far from perfect it is scarey. I have made so many mistakes that I would take back if I could. But they are out there, and they are a part of me....who I am now. And hopefully, who I am now is better than who I was, and again, hopefully, what I am becoming is a better version of who I am now.
I'm also learning to love myself...as God would have me to. I'm learning that being true to myself and simply being "me" is a very good thing. In the past I allowed relationships, circumstances, mistakes and events beat me down, and keep me down. That was my own fault. So, I'm owning up to the fact that no one can make me feel bad about myself without my permission...so no excuses from now on, and no more shifting of the blame.
I am me....and I am uniquely made. I am flawed, but none of us isn't. I've lived long enough to fail and to succeed. I have ached with pain and I have danced with joy. I have cried an ocean and I have doubled over with laughter. I have been surrounded by friends and I have been alone. I have felt the sting of rejection and the grace of acceptance. I have been ignored and I have been embraced. I have loved and been loved. I hope to love again.
The above quote is my status today on Facebook. Yep, I'm 47 years old, about to be single, mother to two amazing daughters, loved by family and friends, happy in my job and there are days where I feel as if I'm just now getting to know myself.
Walking through a storm in life, and surviving, will cause deep reflection. I have resisted the break up of my family with every ounce of strength I have. I have prayed for healing and reconciliation. The healing has come, the reconciliation was not meant to be. Although I am deeply saddened by this unwanted change in my life, I am learning to find out who I am. I am God's creation, and I know He has plans for me that are yet to be discovered.
I'm learning to be alone, and not feel lonely. I am learning to treasure every ounce of life in a day, and never take for granted those that I love. I am learning that "life is messy" (to borrow the phrase from a friend of mine), but life is still worth living and it is still a gift. I am so far from perfect it is scarey. I have made so many mistakes that I would take back if I could. But they are out there, and they are a part of me....who I am now. And hopefully, who I am now is better than who I was, and again, hopefully, what I am becoming is a better version of who I am now.
I'm also learning to love myself...as God would have me to. I'm learning that being true to myself and simply being "me" is a very good thing. In the past I allowed relationships, circumstances, mistakes and events beat me down, and keep me down. That was my own fault. So, I'm owning up to the fact that no one can make me feel bad about myself without my permission...so no excuses from now on, and no more shifting of the blame.
I am me....and I am uniquely made. I am flawed, but none of us isn't. I've lived long enough to fail and to succeed. I have ached with pain and I have danced with joy. I have cried an ocean and I have doubled over with laughter. I have been surrounded by friends and I have been alone. I have felt the sting of rejection and the grace of acceptance. I have been ignored and I have been embraced. I have loved and been loved. I hope to love again.
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