Beauty from Ashes

The girls and I made a quick trip to Memphis tonight for dinner and shopping.  We had to take a different route on the way back home to avoid a traffic jam.  I found myself driving a road I had not driven in about a year.  As the memories of a year ago came flooding over me, I had to smile and I had to thank God for being my Healer and my Counselor.
It was during this very season last year that I was going through the most painful time of my life to date...the end of my 23 year old marriage.   At the encouragement of my family counselor, I sought out a DivorceCare recovery group at a church in Memphis.  Every Tuesday night, I would make the 45 minute drive to this support group...where I met a roomful of both women and men, going through the same devastation, rejection and broken dreams that I was going through.  Our circumstances led us to form a tight knit bond throughout those 12 weeks.  I saw that I wasn't the only one hurting so deeply, and in that room full of raw emotional wounds and pain, I found God's healing power in a way that I had never known.
I remember feeling and thinking that the wounds would never heal, and that I would never be the same as I had before.  Well, the truth is....I can honestly say that the wounds do heal...some of them have definitely healed, some are still healing.  It is also true that I will never be the same again, and I am now okay with that.  I am better than "okay" with that.  I have learned so much about the depth and power of God's faithfulness, His healing, His mercies and His grace. Yes, my wounds have healed...and there are scars.  But the scars to me are not something to be sad over, they are something to rejoice over.  
Back to the road I was driving on earlier tonight....as I said, it was a year ago that I would drive that road.  It was a year ago that I could barely see the road for my tears.  It was a year ago that I sat in the church parking lot, terrified to take that first step into the group...terrified to open my soul to strangers.  It was a year ago that I was racked by sobs in that same parking lot...beating my steering wheel out of sheer frustration at what I could not control.  It was a year ago that I faithfully made that drive, walked up that long staircase into the room with a group of strangers with whom I would find trust, honesty and healing.  Fast forward to this evening and I am driving that road with a smile on my face.   I am remembering all the people who told me that yes, I would get through this, and that I would be find peace and happiness again.  I am remembering all the times I made that drive when I would say aloud "God, I believe You are healing me...I don't feel it, but I believe it, and I trust in it." In the next breath I would cry out "When God, when????!!!! When will I ever stop hurting?"
I had to walk through the fire....I had to face the pain.  It hurt, it was ugly, it was deep, it was raw, it was demanding, it was tiring and it was VERY long.  I still have steps to take. But as I drove tonight laughing, singing, talking with the girls....I was reminded that beauty DOES come from ashes. I have the beauty of a deeper relationship with the Lord.  I feel as if all of my relationships have deepened.  My heart is no longer heavy...and THAT is beauty.

The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me...
To comfort all who mourn, To console those who mourn...
To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning,
The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.  Isaiah 61:2-3